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13 yr old daughter on sugar daddy site WWYD?

(74 Posts)
katedan Mon 03-Aug-20 15:28:51

Found out yesterday that a month ago my 13 yr old daughter joined a sugar daddy website. I have looked at her account and can see men have messaged her. The photo used is her but she made her DOB to make her 20 so my understanding is it is not a police matter as they will say they thought they were messaging a 20 year old despite her photo clearly being of someone younger. DH and I are fuming and very shocked and upset. She says she was bored when the schools were closed but i cant believe she was so naive. She has lost her phone, tablet and laptop for the rest of the summer holidays but I want to know what I should do. Do you think it is a police matter? Account still open so I am tempted to message these dirty old men back and say she is 13!!!! She has always been impressed by money and would joke about marrying a billionaire but I never thought she would do this, she is clear she would not send topless/naked photos and had no intention of meeting anyone but the whole thing makes me feel sick.

OP’s posts: |
allfallsdown Mon 03-Aug-20 15:30:57

Did she not have to use ID to set up an account? I thought those kind of sites needed age verification

katedan Mon 03-Aug-20 15:32:25

On the account it says that ID was verified so it cant be very in depth as she has no ID saying she is 20

OP’s posts: |
MrsSnitchnose Mon 03-Aug-20 15:33:02

I'd probably report the site for not verifying ages properly. As for your daughter, it would be many years before she got unsupervised internet access again

PablosHoney Mon 03-Aug-20 15:33:13

😱😱 I’m not sure if it’s illegal, what a shocker for you 😱

Goinghometocallie Mon 03-Aug-20 15:35:50

I think you need to save your anger towards the men and focus on your daughter. Counselling? Lots of talking. Not sure what but you need to fix this quickly or she’ll be very vulnerable to future things like this.

katedan Mon 03-Aug-20 15:36:58

Who would I report the website to?

OP’s posts: |
Goinghometocallie Mon 03-Aug-20 15:37:39

Very sad though. Instagram / celebrity culture to blame for this shit.

TooTrueToBeGood Mon 03-Aug-20 15:39:23

I think you need to focus on your daughter to be honest. This is much less about grooming (because she was not being proactively groomed as far as we can tell) as it is about her. Whether the men involved might think she is under age or not, she chose to join a sugar daddy site. You need to get to the bottom of what is going on in her mind and why and I expect you will need specialist support for that. I get that you are frightened and angry but it feels like you are directing that emotion at these men to distract you from the real issue.

For the record, I don't believe in victim blaming but I don't think that is what I am doing here. I also have no sympathy for men who buy into this sugar daddy thing and would happily put them all in a boat and set them adrift but they are not your real problem.

SmileEachDay Mon 03-Aug-20 15:39:44

When they’re back at school I’d perhaps mention it to the safeguarding lead (I am one!) so that she’s included if they run any online safety workshops.

At best she was just messing around - at worst she’s shown that she’s perhaps a bit vulnerable to grooming. School can help keep an eye on this, to an extent.

I would also remove any access to the internet unless very closely supervised. Does she have a smartphone?

katedan Mon 03-Aug-20 15:39:46

We were actually angry at her for a short time and last night had lots of cuddles, she has been really grumpy for the last month and suddenly last night when it was out she was lovely so I think she knew she had done something stupid and did not know how to make it go away.

OP’s posts: |
Feellikethegrimreaper Mon 03-Aug-20 15:40:00

I personally wouldnt report to police. She set the account up, she lied about her age and she is old enough to know this was wrong. The men messaging her haven't actually done anything wrong here. She may look younger than 20 but that's besides the point. I would report to the website as pp for not verifying her age properly.

Hopefully she has learnt her lesson here. flowers

KorkMum Mon 03-Aug-20 15:40:32

How awful. If she put she was 20 its not a police matter. It's her that messed up. Bless her, hopefully this will teach her about online safety. Mine gave his snapchat details to a kid on a KIDS CHATROOM and the kid (pedo) messaged him asking for pics of his penis so we are BIG on online safety.

SmileEachDay Mon 03-Aug-20 15:41:15

You could report the website here

R2221 Mon 03-Aug-20 15:42:27

Such a shocking situation for you!! I have a 13yr old DD too. Would you mind telling me how you found out please? I think I need to have a deep look at my DDs online activity for my mental peace now.

FedUpAtHomeTroels Mon 03-Aug-20 15:44:42

I would report it to the Police and ask them if there is anyone who can talk to her about this kind of thing. She could quite easily have found herself in over her head very quickly, even if she says she wouldn't send pics or meet anyone. She's very impressed by money, they would be tempting her to go one more step for silly money in no time.
So far her only consequence has been that she lost her devices for a few weeks. She needs a wake up call.

minimagician Mon 03-Aug-20 15:44:59

I would contact the men and tell them she is 13 cos it'll scare the shit out of them. Maybe they'll have second thoughts - probably not.

I wouldn't report them though because it's not illegal to be in touch with a 20 year old who looks much younger 🤮

I'd also report the site but not sure who to.

And agree that whatever drove her to want attention and money from men is worth looking into before she gets older. This is a warning sign. Personally I'm very into girls doing sport and feeling the power of their own bodies and getting used to being in control of their bodies for themselves, not being in control in relation to men. I mean something like boot camp or a martial art - no mirrors! She's learning that she can use her body to have power over men and this feels like power. Learning that her body doesn't need male attention to be powerful is something I prefer.

Bitchinkitchen Mon 03-Aug-20 15:45:27

You need to get her some therapy. The fact that she's deliberately seeking sexual validation from older men online is very worrying - overly sexual behaviour can be a consequence of CSA or similar trauma.

sMouse Mon 03-Aug-20 15:47:00

I would focus on setting up some form of internet shield so she can't access these type of sites and supervising her on the internet for a while and talking to her about this situation and how it was wrong and what could have gone wrong etc in this type of situation. Have you checked she doesn't have any secret social media accounts too, where she might be contacting men?

Ohfredcomeon Mon 03-Aug-20 15:48:53

Those are fee paying sites. How did she pay? She would need a bank card.

Also the ‘sugar daddy’ sites are based on receiving gifts and money for sex. Even though there will be plenty of banners saying prostitution is banned - that’s exactly what it is.

Glittertwins Mon 03-Aug-20 15:50:09

If you have Virgin Media, you can block websites by address if you didn't want to block the whole genre for example. I don't know about other providers, but we use the blocker on ours at source as well as using Qustodio on each laptop

BertieBotts Mon 03-Aug-20 15:52:44

Report to CEOP as per Smile's link. Yes of course it is a police matter! She is only 13 - she's vulnerable and the website is shady if they haven't bothered to screen people out properly. No, they probably won't go after users individually (and I would definitely not suggest you message anybody yourself) but it can all add up to a picture and potentially help other young girls.

We are past the time where 13 year olds were blamed for their own victimisation. (Hopefully).

I would ask if someone from the local police can come and talk to her as well. She could end up in serious danger doing this kind of thing - the websites sometimes encourage people to give out their bank details or addresses so that men can send "gifts" (yuck) which is obviously a massive risk - to say where she lives - and it's not that difficult to piece together online identities e.g. that one to her instagram or something and she may well have photos or friends' photos of her/several people in her school uniform on there.

I also don't believe any adult speaking to a 13yo online is really believing they are 20. 13 year olds are still children and don't tend to write in an adult way, even online. So it's quite probable that disgusting men are messaging her fully aware that she isn't of age. Which means they may well be actively digging for her address, school details etc.

If she is impressed by money I'd try and get her thinking about what career routes she could take which are well paid - don't even laugh at jokes about her marrying into money etc - she will never be free if she relies on somebody else to make her rich, self sufficiency though is a valuable tool for a lifetime. She may well have fallen for myths of "empowerment" etc - unfortunately these things usually end up being quite the opposite.

blackcat86 Mon 03-Aug-20 15:53:01

I'm sure if you let the site know they will take the account down. I'm sure you don't want her photos left up there.

She says she was bored but there is more to it than that. Where did she get the idea from? Why do that for boredom aside from any other things? I think its important that you find her someone to talk to like a counsellor or youth service. She should definitely lose her tech only earning them back when you are sure she knows the risk. I would permanently remove any tablets or laptops and have a desktop computer put in a communal area of the house to use for school work. This may be a shock to you as parents and I think professional support would help guide you during this time.

Ohfredcomeon Mon 03-Aug-20 15:53:14

If she has been doing this you also need to think if she has been selling nudes of her self on sites like Onlyfans.com

whattimeisitrightnow Mon 03-Aug-20 15:59:22

Really surprised at some of these replies. Your daughter is 13: she’s too young to fully understand the concept of a ‘sugar daddy’. She likely just thinks she’ll send them selfies and chat with them and they’ll give her money, rather than fully grasping the sexual aspect. You and DH should have been monitoring her internet usage far more effectively - this should not have been allowed to happen. Be angry with her if you want, but she also may well need therapy; you don’t know what she’s seen or been told or why she’s doing this. It’s extremely concerning.

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