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To think I should be able to go to the supermarket

(139 Posts)
cocavino Mon 03-Aug-20 10:43:07

Disclaimer: this came up as a side issue in another of my threads. Have name changed for this.

Here are the main points:

1. My husband and I have an au pair whom he hates. He thinks she is lazy and he has decided she should be planning and cooking all our meals even though that's not part of her job description.

2. I normally do meal planning and shopping. My husband is trying to make me stop this.

3. I have been doing driving lessons for a month across town (long story) and I have not been at home as much as would be ideal. This means I am not seeing my 2 year old quite as much as I would like. My husband is very angry with me for doing anything he views as extra (like food shopping) because he thinks I am neglecting my daughter. (I still put her to bed every night and spend part of Saturday and all day Sunday with her - plus this is a temporary situation until after my exam in 2 weeks)

4. If my husband even hears about me going into the supermarket to use the toilet after my driving lesson, he becomes extremely angry. He will menacingly say "you know that you don't have time for that." In effect, I feel that he has prohibited me from even entering a supermarket.

He says that he wants to make good use of the au pair and I am basically wasting the money we are spending on her. He says that he is justified in stopping me from food shopping and cooking because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me. He also says he hasn't really forbidden me from going to the supermarket because he hasn't actually said those words.

AIBU to find his behaviour weird and controlling? Is there any justification for his behaviour?

OP’s posts: |
AriettyHomily Mon 03-Aug-20 10:46:59

This is bonkers.

How long are you spending on driving lessons?

whydoineedanickname Mon 03-Aug-20 10:47:54

That’s not an au pairs job and I assume she’s not getting paid that much. Your husband is controlling, tell him to jog on.

Sexnotgender Mon 03-Aug-20 10:49:27

I voted YABU, because you’re unreasonable to continue to stay with a controlling bully like him.

Pebblexox Mon 03-Aug-20 10:50:26

I mean yes you au pair shouldn't be doing that, unless it's in her contract and she's getting paid for it.
However I'm really dumbfounded about how many driving lessons you're doing that are meaning you aren't really seeing your dd?

countbackfromten Mon 03-Aug-20 10:51:03

He sounds awful @cocavino - do you feel safe at home?

sMouse Mon 03-Aug-20 10:51:20

my husband even hears about me going into the supermarket to use the toilet after my driving lesson, he becomes extremely angry. He will menacingly say "you know that you don't have time for that

He sounds awful and controlling, he's getting angry over you doing something we all do, go to the toilet. It sounds like you probably spend your whole time walking on eggshells.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Mon 03-Aug-20 10:51:42

Your au pair shouldn't be doing that.

Your husband sounds like a controlling bully.

GCAcademic Mon 03-Aug-20 10:51:53

Who the fuck does he think he is? This is more than a bit controlling, it's menacing. He clearly sees both you and the Au Pair as different categories of household servant, and is not afraid to deploy displays of anger to put you both in the positions he's established for you.

cocavino Mon 03-Aug-20 10:51:54

@AriettyHomily I have had to do driving lessons every Saturday and also one evening a week. Then I have to do a bit extra work other evenings to make up for cutting out early for the lessons. Taking the travel into account (plus a little wander afterward to clear my head as the lessons are quite stressful), I've been away for 4 - 5 hours on the Saturday and I've come home around 7:30 on the weeknights. DD attends nursery during the day.

OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Mon 03-Aug-20 10:52:03

because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me
WOW - you've bagged yourself a prize there!!! NOT!!
He sounds deranged to be honest.
Why are you with him?
He sounds vile and awful.
He IS abusive and controlling.
You know you need to get out though.
You know there is nothing right in what you have written here.
It's all so so so wrong.
Please do calls Womens Aid and have a chat with them about all of this.
They can help you to see this for what it is.
What will you say to your DD in years to come when she has a partner / husband just like this!?
Will you advise her to stay?
Put up with it?
I don't understand how you are putting up with this.

BobbieDraper Mon 03-Aug-20 10:52:11

Does he understand the difference between an au pair and a nanny? Even if you were paying 50k a year for a nanny, they only cook for the child. Not the adults.
He wants a cook/nanny/housekeeper. He has an au pair.

If you cant protect the au pair from him then you need to let her go, and dont hire anymore.

You should also consider leaving him. Your life doesnt sound good; he is controlling and just doesnt sound very nice.

Climbingallthetrees Mon 03-Aug-20 10:52:37

Have you posted about your DH and au pair before? He’s a horrible employer and an abusive husband, but you’ve been told this many times before.

QuestionableMouse Mon 03-Aug-20 10:52:59

He sounds awful. Not something I'd personally be willing to put up with - he's controlling your life in a way that isn't healthy.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 03-Aug-20 10:54:40

4-5 hours for a driving lesson?
That's a lot.
I totally understand why you want to be out of the house away from him.
So make it permanent.
Do you have any family or friends you can talk to about this?

ssd Mon 03-Aug-20 10:55:22

Your poor au pair, stuck with a pair of idiots.

cocavino Mon 03-Aug-20 10:55:35


Yes, as noted, I posted about it before. I'm convinced he is deranged, but we had a discussion about this recently where I brought these things up and he excused and justified all of his behaviour in relation to the driving lessons. The purpose of this is a sense check to confirm I'm not the crazy one.

OP’s posts: |
BobbieDraper Mon 03-Aug-20 10:56:10

I'm not on his side at all... but you're away for 4 to 5 hours for a driving lesson?

I would be pretty angry if my partner said they were going for a driving lessons (1 hour) but were out the house for 5 hours every saturday, because weekends are usually family time. Of course you should absolutely have whole Saturdays to yourself to do whatever you want, but 4 or 5 hours every week when you're telling him it's a driving lesson. I guess he's gotten worse and more controlling since that started?

What if you told him you were getting your lesson and then going out, maybe every 2nd saturday? So you get a family weekend and then a weekend yourself.

Papyrus Mon 03-Aug-20 10:57:17

He sounds vile and controlling. I feel sorry for your Au Pair as well. Presumably she’s pretty young? How awful to be stuck living in a home with a man who openly hates her.

Sexnotgender Mon 03-Aug-20 10:57:56

OP you are absolutely not the crazy one. Please make plans to leave him. Do not model this relationship to your daughter as normal.

BobbieDraper Mon 03-Aug-20 10:58:13

So you keep posting the same scenarios and get the same responses?

Have you looked for help in real life?

Do you want to leave him? If you want to leave there is help available, but posting the same thing over and over just to feel vindicated isnt going to help you at all in real life. What do you want? Dont think about how he will react. What do you want?

cocavino Mon 03-Aug-20 10:58:26

By mutual agreement, I am doing the driving lessons near his parents' house. It's a long way away. Sometimes I have taken my daughter and left her with her grandparents. The driving lessons will just be for 6 weeks in total and he doesn't want us to have family time. I think he mostly just doesn't want to have to look after our daughter himself.

OP’s posts: |
IncrediblySadToo Mon 03-Aug-20 10:59:09


I voted YABU, because you’re unreasonable to continue to stay with a controlling bully like him.


That wasn't the question?

Why would you skew the figures to make it seem like she's being unreasonable, that's daft.

AIBU to find his behaviour weird and controlling?


recklessruby Mon 03-Aug-20 10:59:27

Yanbu. Big red flags there. It sounds ridiculous to me as a single woman being told needing to go to the toilet is wasting time but its not ridiculous for you, sadly this is your life.
He sounds like a control freak and trying to put your self esteem on the ground. Who tells someone they are a neglectful parent when they are also responsible for parenting?
Can you make a plan to leave?
Tbh I m surprised he s "allowing " you to take driving lessons as that would give you more independence and self confidence if you pass.
Also he hates your au pair for no reason?
Sounds unhinged.
I m surprised she hasnt left by now or looking for another job.

IsMiseMorag Mon 03-Aug-20 11:00:27

There is never a good reason for your husband to speak to you 'menacingly' about anything ever.

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