This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
For not wanting to see this child ever again?(370 Posts)
Today son (6yo) and I met acquaintance mum and her child (4yo) for lunch and play in the park. We are both in a larger group due to go on holiday with kids later in August and mum approached me asking for a playdate so the kids "can get to know each other".
This child is "difficult" and prone to aggressive behaviour and tantrums. We've been out with them a couple of time and child has been very physical, in one instance even wrapping his arm around my son's neck.
Anyway, we met for lunch and things went ok, although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal. Also, at one point the child started screaming extremely loudly with people staring at us.
We then went to the park where child has been:
- throwing sand on my son, aiming to his face
- being disobedient and totally disregarding what his mum was asking him to do/not to do
- invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing.
- throwing gravel stones at me and my son, and carrying on after his mum asked him to stop
- at the end of the playdate, we were due to leave
and by now I was looking forward to it to catch the train home and after I asked the child to return my son's scooter because we needed to run for the train he decided to run away with it while his mum chasing him for a good 10 minute, resulting in us actually missing the train
- when we finally got hold of them (mum was still trying to take the scooter out of child' hands) I told the child he was being naughty and he replied I am a stinky poop
- we then left mum and child behind to try to get the train
child was having a meltdown anyway but after realising that was too late we slowed down our pace, resulting in mum and child catching up with us and having to walk together while child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop.
AIBU for not wanting to meet this child ever again and now dreading to have to spend a week with them in August?
I feel sorry for the mum to be honest, sounds like my son when he was that age, has since been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD.
Are you in uk ? If so how can a group of you be gping away next month with current regs ? Child sounds hardwork , but did you also tell your son off when he disappeared for 10 mins ?
YANBU, I bet his mum is exhausted with it all though and just wants some company.
Hopefully as you’ll be in a bigger group in holiday, you’ll be able to keep your distance should you want to.
Several things going on here.
The child certainly doesn’t seem to be an angel. Perhaps the parents are not very good at discipline, or perhaps there is some behavioural SEN there. Only 4 though, so I would be forgiving.
You seem to be a little precious about your son to be frank. The losing sight of, falling off swing and running off with scooter - all very normal. Not ideal and obviously bad that you missed your train but not the end of the world.
Some of the other things I would not put up with - would not have my son move from his chair for another child to lie on...throwing gravel and sand in face...I would have asked him to stop “Otherwise we are leaving” and meant it. You do not have to put up with that behaviour- take yourself and your child out of the situations quietly and leave for the mum to deal with.
How many people in the group going away? Arrange to be with others as much as possible and be prepared to leave/go out with just your ds/go back to accomodation?
I would be very quickly assessing whether you want to do the week in August and whether there is any way of getting out of it. If not I would be blunt to the parent about her childs behaviour and keep your distance.
You can't blame a 4 yo for you losing sight of your 6 yo. Other than that, I can understand you not wanting to spend time with the child but based on your description it is not possible to know if the child has additional needs that should be taken into account.
He does sound like a bit of a handful but you can't blame him for the scooter race and you losing sight of your 4 year old.
You're in charge of your own child, not him.
Why do people think op was unreasonable?
It sounds from your OP as though the mum was asking the child to behave, not just ignoring the misdemeanours.
I'd be inclined to assume that there is more going on than an acquaintance would necessarily tell you, and cut her some slack. I'd have judged too, once upon a time, but I am now the proud parent to a child best described as a handful, and my understanding of what other parents might be going through has expanded somewhat.
It may well not be related to the parenting, and the parents may well be exhausted with it. At 4 they'll also be just at the stage where they're wondering where the boundary of normal is and whether they need to start facing up to pushing to get assessments etc. They may well also be really keen for their child to have some social connections, as they may be struggling to make their own friends at school/nursery.
I would highly doubt that that poor mother came away feeling like it went well from what you've described.
At least you've got a heads up for August and you can speak to your child ahead of time to set expectations of them while on holiday.
Some of the stuff sounds fairly average for a 4 year old and perhaps just badly handled by the parent, I also think this bit - invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing is unfair to blame a 4 year old on when your child is 6. You child should either know better than a 4 year old.
I think saying you never want to see the child again seems a bit unfair, seems like the parent could either have done more or you could have made your excuses and left sooner. I'd just be glad I found out about potential issues ahead of the holiday so you know what to expect.
The scooting off thing was equal blame but the rest of his behaviour? Nah. Fuck that.
It’s hard enough managing your own kid without the added stress of someone else’s totally out of control child.
I feel really sorry for the mum. She must be lonely.
@MyChemicalMummy I feel sorry for her as well, it must be hard to have to deal with this every single day!
I have also sent a message to the mum telling her I was concerned about my son's behaviour today and I don't want the children to play
together unsupervised during the holiday. She was apologetic again and saying her child "can be naughty". I have the impression this is not the first time the child influenced negatively other children.
Yes we in the UK, the group has booked accommodations on the same site in accordance with UK guidelines.
Do you have to go away as a group including this child? I think if I was in your position I'd find a good excuse to back out. You won't be the only one, lots of people are cancelling holidays this year. Do something nice as a family that you will enjoy rather than putting yourself through an ordeal.
I do feel sorry for the child's mother, he is obviously a real hand full. In a couple of years he could be quite different and I do hope so for all their sakes. I knew a couple of horrors at four who grew into charming children so hope is not lost.
That being said, there's no reason for you to have to sacrifice yourself about this.
You still seem to be blaming a 4 year old for your 6 yo's behaviour. That is unreasonable.
I wouldn’t have let my son stand up. I’d have firmly said no, that’s my son’s chair so you can’t lie on it, stop being naughty. I certainly would have left when he kept throwing stones and refused to stop. As the parent you need to protect your son from being treated like this and remove him from the situation. I would not meet up with this child again. He may or may not have additional needs that have caused this behaviour, but it’s clear he was not being managed effectively by his mum.
YANBU to feel like that OP. However it might be nice to have some consideration for your friend. I’m sure she wasn’t oblivious to his behaviour and probably felt somewhat stressed and embarrassed.
He sounds exactly like my nephew who has ADHD.
you dont have to spend every minute with them then if theyre just onthe same site
“Influenced negatively other children”...
Not sure about your reaction tbh..that poor mum must be so embarrassed!
I wouldn't have sent the text today, it sounds like she's completely deflated and you've just stuck the knife in. Yes some of it was really crap but come on are you really taking the fact he called you a stinky poop to heart? I'm sure she's lonely and now she feels even more like shit
Not play unsupervised - you didn’t really need to tell her that, did you? You could have just made sure it didn’t happen.
to rearrange plans so you don't have to be with them for a week in August
and never to meet up again
Your families don't sound compatable
to judge either of them, as you don't know why he is such a handful
Please login first.