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Caused double upset with birthday photos

(102 Posts)
Rae36 Sat 01-Aug-20 15:14:51

Dmil has dementia. She regularly gets my sons muddled up, they look quite similar at the best of times and since I could only do one style of lockdown haircut they look even more similar than usual right now. Not being able to remember their names really upsets her.

I printed out some recent photos to give her, just printed them out on plain a4 paper on our home printer and cut them up. I was saying to ds14 that we should write on the back who each person is and he suggested sticking them on to a piece of paper and writing underneath so she can see the photo and the name at the same time.

We looked in some drawers and dug out an unused scrapbook, sellotaped each photo on to a page and wrote a caption underneath. Gave the book to mil who was delighted.

This past week I've had messages from dh's older daughter who is 23 saying that she's upset about being in only one photo in the book. There are maybe 20 photos in the book in total, just a random selection of photos. We've only seen dsd once since lockdown and took a photo on that day which is in the book, she doesn't live near us and she works in a busy job so it's hard to meet up. We don't usually see her that often anyway. Dh's older son is not in the book at all, even though we see him quite often, and he's not bothered.

Dh's sister then also contacted us to say that she is upset that we produced a photo book for mil and her kids are not included. Her kids are older teens, we haven't seen them at all since Christmas. She has seen the book, she knows it's home printed photos stuck in an old kids scrapbook with Mickey Mouse on the front, but she is still upset. Said that she feels that we want mil to remember our kids names but not hers.

If I had produced an expensive online photo book deliberately aimed at helping her remember and recognise each family member then I can see that not including everyone would not have been good. I wouldn't have done that. But was IBU in spending 20 minutes making a quick scrapbook and writing names on it?

I thought I was doing something nice and now I wish I hadn't bothered.

Did I do the wrong thing?

(Bearing in mind that in the past sil has given mil calendars for Christmas with photos of just her kids on them, and one year dsd gave a set of 4 cushions with 4 different photos of her riding her horse printed on them. No attempt to include all grandchildren equally, no complaints from me)

OP’s posts: |
Rae36 Sat 01-Aug-20 15:15:55

Gave her the book as part of her recent birthday, sorry, I said that in the title then didn't mention the birthday element again. Maybe it being a birthday present made it worse.

OP’s posts: |
Runbitchrun Sat 01-Aug-20 15:16:31

Of course YANBU. She can make her own book if she has an issue with yours.

DomDoesWotHeWants Sat 01-Aug-20 15:16:36

I'd find it hard to reply politely.

livefornaps Sat 01-Aug-20 15:16:49

I would tell them to take the book and ram it up their arse

ChickenFriedFudge Sat 01-Aug-20 15:17:16

How exhausted they must be worrying about this nonsense. YANBU.

SnuggyBuggy Sat 01-Aug-20 15:18:20

They all sound incredibly needy

Nottherealslimshady Sat 01-Aug-20 15:18:33

Tell her she's welcome to also make a photo book of her family for MIL.

WorraLiberty Sat 01-Aug-20 15:18:58

Your husband's sister is being batshit. If she wants to make a scrap book then she can.

I think your step-daughter has a point. She should've been included more and your step-son too.

You don't need them there in person to take a photo, they can easily text them to you.

FadedRed Sat 01-Aug-20 15:19:26

Or respond with an enthusiastic “What a great idea! Let’s collaborate over a nice photo book for Mil for Christmas!”.

Womencanlift Sat 01-Aug-20 15:19:49

YANBU are the SIL’s children - she can and has done the same

YABVU to not include all you DH’s children in it. They are all her grandchildren even if two are only your step children

Nottherealslimshady Sat 01-Aug-20 15:20:20

Wait. Her daughter bought her 4 cushions with pictures of herself riding her horse on each one? 😂

Hardbackwriter Sat 01-Aug-20 15:20:23

one year dsd gave a set of 4 cushions with 4 different photos of her riding her horse printed on them.

You're not dealing with sane and normal people here

Rae36 Sat 01-Aug-20 15:20:33

They all sound incredibly needy

Sil is, and always has been, incredibly self centred. I bet she couldn't tell her nephews apart in photos if their names weren't written down.

Dsd does feel a bit left out sometimes which is why I made sure to take a photo on the day we all met up and made sure it was in the scrapbook. In fact I went back and printed it out bigger before I stuck it in.

OP’s posts: |
justanotherneighinparadise Sat 01-Aug-20 15:20:50

They are all mental.

MrsMcTats Sat 01-Aug-20 15:23:23

I really wouldn't get into it with them, as they've blown it out of all proportion. Just a short, "We just wacked something together of us (hence the Mickey Mouse book!), but a printed book with the whole family is a great idea for Christmas."

DarkDarkNight Sat 01-Aug-20 15:24:03

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, they sound weird. I would explain it was just a last minute idea or as you say you would have got a proper photo book made, but they will just think what they want so I wouldn’t bother.

Presumably there are spare pages in the scrap boom and it can be added to? Let them add their own photos, horses included grin

Nottherealslimshady Sat 01-Aug-20 15:24:12

Oh sorry got confused between daughter and sister. Her grandchild bought the pillows.
They're both being ridiculous. You did something nice for MIL, everyone else is also welcome to do something nice for MIL if they care that much.

Rae36 Sat 01-Aug-20 15:24:36

YABVU to not include all you DH’s children in it

Really? They're adults. Grown adults with their own homes and jobs and give their own independent presents and cards. But okay, I accept I might have been slightly U here. VU? Not so much.

OP’s posts: |
Rae36 Sat 01-Aug-20 15:27:10

Presumably there are spare pages in the scrap boom and it can be added to? Let them add their own photos, horses included

Yes there are spare pages, I didn't think of that at all. That would have been the perfect answer. I can't be bothered raising the issue again now but if they say anything more this is exactly what I will say.

OP’s posts: |
Chloemol Sat 01-Aug-20 15:27:39

So tell you sil it was a birthday present from your family, she is welcome to do one her family

Re your dsd explain you only had one photo, if she wants to come and visit you can take more and add them in. Perhaps one of her and her brother would be nice?

Womencanlift Sat 01-Aug-20 15:28:13

One photo of you DSD and loads of you own children screams like an after thought to me which is why yes you are VU 🤷‍♀️

giletrouge Sat 01-Aug-20 15:28:47

People in general are becoming exhaustingly narcissistic. My advice would be to
Hard, I know.

justanotherneighinparadise Sat 01-Aug-20 15:29:50

It makes me so glad our family unit is small. All these people to take offence, it must be exhausting.

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels Sat 01-Aug-20 15:31:03

The DSD is 23. Surely she has better things to worry about that this. There is a photo of her in the (very much homemade) book. And presumably get DGM doesn’t mix her up with her siblings anyway.

I was in one solitary (large group) photo from my sister’s wedding (and I was the only bridesmaid too). There are loads of photos of all sorts of other people. Clearly my sister just didn’t want me in the photos. I didn’t care because I was an adult woman and they weren’t my photos anyway.

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