Which one of us is being unreasonable?!

[Doradays]

My friend of 2 years is turning 30 this month.

She's hosting a birthday party in her garden, for friends and family.

She's asked us to go, we've said no and she's taken it very badly.

So here's the details -

Said friend lives 1.5hour drive from us, the afternoon will be starting at 3.30pm.

Firstly, she has no children herself and has asked that we find a sitter "if possible".
We have a 4 month old baby. I've never left the baby with anyone and I don't plan to do that now. Baby is also breastfed!!

We've not travelled that far before with the baby and realistically would have to allow longer for the journey to include stops etc.
If it starts at 3.30pm we wouldn't be able to stay very long as we would have to head home for a reasonable bed time etc.

I've told my friend we won't be going but have suggested we plan a day out together at some point where we can spend longer together and start earlier in the day.

My friend replied and said

"if you can't travel to my birthday then why can you travel to a day out. Don't expect me to make the effort for you if you can't make the effort for me.
We don't have children so what if we don't want to start a day out earlier, you have to take our circumstances into consideration.
I have other friends with kids who are unable to get a sitter and are coming 3.30pm and have no issues. You have to make compromises"

She's not spoken to me for a week now!

Bare in mind her other friends all live local to her which if I was local of course I would just pop in.

I've known her for two years now and I've always made the effort for birthdays and regular meet ups etc.
I know it's a 30th and a special birthday but I just feel like it's a long way to go with the baby for a short drop in, which is what it would have to be starting at that time.

AIBU or is my friend being difficult?

[HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear]

Just write

"Hello and thank you for your invite. We have a 4 month old baby. We will not be attending your party with a 3hr+ total commute as this is not workable for that time.
Perhaps when you remove your head from your arse we can catch up.
Enjoy your birthday."

Utter moron. Her not you.

[Time2change2]

This problem has a very common one but often crops up for weddings. Childless couple or person wants to invite you to a party or wedding but you have a baby which they don’t want to come.
Mum doesn’t want to leave baby so childless person gets stroppy.
If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard this over the last 10 years....
Your friend is being completely unreasonable. But some people before they have children have absolutely no idea. Of course you don’t want to leave your 4 month old baby and neither should you! Why can’t you bring your baby to the party) is it that much of a nucience? Its not like you are bringing 10 kids along!
She has to accept that you are a mum now and your young baby is a part of you. You come as a package deal (at least for the time being!)
A true friend would respect that and want you there with your baby.
1.5 hours is a fair distance but I think doable. I travelled Over an hour with twins and a 3 year old when the twins were 3 weeks old and again at 4 weeks old (twins breastfed) and we managed.
However, if this really feels too much then a day out is a good compromise - maybe meet in the middle then it’s only 45 mins away.
She just doesn’t get what it’s like to have a baby but then why would she if she doesn’t have any?

[Doradays]

@HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear

Just write

"Hello and thank you for your invite. We have a 4 month old baby. We will not be attending your party with a 3hr+ total commute as this is not workable for that time.
Perhaps when you remove your head from your arse we can catch up.
Enjoy your birthday."

Utter moron. Her not you.

I wish I had this courage!!

I found myself trying to justify things to her and then felt like we should just go!!

It's awkward now as she's not speaking to me and I'm not sure if I should make the first move.

[Sidewinder30]

Well, if your reason is that you can't hack a one and a half hour drive with a 4 month old for a 3.30pm start, then she's right to assume that you don't consider her worth the hassle. It's a big birthday. You allude to a dp - you could even go alone.

So, YABU and seriously precious.

[Leaannb]

Both of you are being unreasomable. It's unreasonable.for you to.expect.Her to.adjust to.your lifestyle and it's unreasonable of her to act like a twat because you declined an invitation

[2155User]

For me it all depends on how close you are to this friend

Really close; go, book a hotel nearby for the night, travel back the next day

Not that close; don’t bloody go

[Soubriquet]

Both of you

Her to expect it, but you too for not being flexible regarding bed times

Baby is not going to suffer falling asleep in his buggy for one night and not his bath, breast, bed routine that you may have

[Doradays]

@Time2change2

This problem has a very common one but often crops up for weddings. Childless couple or person wants to invite you to a party or wedding but you have a baby which they don’t want to come.
Mum doesn’t want to leave baby so childless person gets stroppy.
If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard this over the last 10 years....
Your friend is being completely unreasonable. But some people before they have children have absolutely no idea. Of course you don’t want to leave your 4 month old baby and neither should you! Why can’t you bring your baby to the party) is it that much of a nucience? Its not like you are bringing 10 kids along!
She has to accept that you are a mum now and your young baby is a part of you. You come as a package deal (at least for the time being!)
A true friend would respect that and want you there with your baby.
1.5 hours is a fair distance but I think doable. I travelled Over an hour with twins and a 3 year old when the twins were 3 weeks old and again at 4 weeks old (twins breastfed) and we managed.
However, if this really feels too much then a day out is a good compromise - maybe meet in the middle then it’s only 45 mins away.
She just doesn’t get what it’s like to have a baby but then why would she if she doesn’t have any?

I tried to explain this to her.


I think it's more the fact that the afternoon starts at 3.30pm too. If we need to allow a 2 hour journey home we wouldn't be there for very long.

[Doradays]

@Soubriquet

Both of you

Her to expect it, but you too for not being flexible regarding bed times

Baby is not going to suffer falling asleep in his buggy for one night and not his bath, breast, bed routine that you may have

My baby is currently in the 4 month sleep regression. She doesn't have a set bed time. I probably should've pointed that out.

However she doesn't settle very well, and when she's pointed out she doesn't really want kids there, I can imagine she isn't going to like having a screaming 4 month old who is tired and not settling.

[StampMc]

If you’ve only know her for 2 years and also dislike her then don’t bother but I’m not really seeing 1.5 hours as a big deal. My commute to work takes that long and I do it every day. You could go for 3.30 and leave at 6.30 having already fed the baby. Baby will sleep in the car and you’ll all be in home by 8.
You could go, you can’t be arsed, she’s hurt and reacting accordingly.

[Doyoumind]

If she's in England it is actually still the case that parties of more than 6 people aren't allowed anyway.

[honeygirlz]

YANBU.

I wouldn't even dignify her with a response, just cut your losses, especially as she has effectively cut you out.

However, couldn't baby sleep there in a moses basket/travel cot? Or couldn't you go and leave baby DH (or are you breastfeeding?)

It's up to you though, she's being childish.

[RiftGibbon]

She is being rude and unreasonable. While you choose be more flexible on bedtime, I fully understand why you don't want to make a 4 hour round trip. Plus you have offered an alternative solution.
Personally, I would just let her get on with it, and not bother responding again.

[Mummyshark2018]

I do think you're not being very flexible. 3.30pm start sounds perfect. Baby naps on the way, then feed baby before you leave at normal 'bedtime' , put in pjs then let baby fall asleep in car on way home then transfer to bed?

Ultimately if you wanted to go and she was a good friend then you'd make it happen.

[HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear]

Hardly precious for wanting to not drive that far without a tiny baby or take the baby but have someone look after it.

I'm biased because my child shrieks every car journey.
Her message was very rude. But as others have said, prior to children we are often wandering around oblivious to the change that occurs.

If she's had a tantrum then good riddance. She can be disappointed and upset but you've hardly said "na, can't be chuffed".

I was this stupid pre children, I just didn't text my friends rude messages and not speak to them.
She'll learn if she has kids. It's a personal choice. Each baby is different and if you don't want to go, sounds reasonable. You've offered a solution and said to meet another time.

[Doradays]

@StampMc

If you’ve only know her for 2 years and also dislike her then don’t bother but I’m not really seeing 1.5 hours as a big deal. My commute to work takes that long and I do it every day. You could go for 3.30 and leave at 6.30 having already fed the baby. Baby will sleep in the car and you’ll all be in home by 8.
You could go, you can’t be arsed, she’s hurt and reacting accordingly.

I'm more considering that we may have to make several stops so can't plan on it being a simple 1.5hr journey.

I just think even within a straight run it's a 3 hour round trip and it seems a long way for a 3 hour stay.

[thebear1]

I kind of see your friends side, 1.5 hour drive with a baby is not much, they are portable so can sleep in buggy or if you can't take baby could you go alone? I didn't bf mine so don't know if this is possible. But I also see you think it would be difficult. There is no right or wrong here just not much comprise on either side.

[PicaK]

Do you value her friendship? If so then I'd go for something more conciliatory like this

Friend x. You know you're right. Baby's needs have so taken over every part of our life right now that I'd forgotten the rest of the world doesn't revolve around them. That was a crap suggestion of mine.
You're such a good friend. I so much want to be there to celebrate for you but right now it's just not possible. Was trying to think of something I could do (given baby constraints) to do something special with you.
Really want you to have a lovely evening. Hopefully we'll be friends a long time and I can make up for it at future big number birthday parties

[Doradays]

@Mummyshark2018

I do think you're not being very flexible. 3.30pm start sounds perfect. Baby naps on the way, then feed baby before you leave at normal 'bedtime' , put in pjs then let baby fall asleep in car on way home then transfer to bed?

Ultimately if you wanted to go and she was a good friend then you'd make it happen.

That sounds perfect. In an ideal world.
I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just being honesty about our current circumstances, we're in the 4 month sleep regression and trying to settle at the minute is only working if baby is latched onto my boob. Second she goes down she's screaming.

[Titterofwit]

I wouldnt go somewhere that requires me to drive for upwards of a 3 hour round trip that must be fitted into a 6 hour max time span.
But then again I dont have friends that demand things like that of their friends.

She seems the demanding type to have written that reply . On balance I think she is the unreasonable one.

[PicaK]

When you don't have kids it is really hard to understand why you can't just leave them, that they start to die if you're not around to bf, why a 1.5hr journey is a mission, why a messed up bedtime routine can have knock on consequences for days that make life incredibly miserable and hard, etc etc etc. I remember I had no idea about that stuff. But I do think she's being a bit of a diva!

[HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear]

Drunk 30th revellers with half vaccinated sleep regression baby in the middle.
What a great idea.
She's not a friend.
A friend would have said "in gutted you can't make it, babies are tough at this age. Can't wait to see you soon though when we can catch up properly",

Is she just annoyed her numbers will be down so she'll look less popular?
At least you haven't done what lots would and often do, say they'll go knowing fine well they won't then text on the day or just not turn up.

Don't stress this nonsense op. You'll lose and gain friends along the way. Enjoy your baby.

[User7312019]

YABU if you really wanted to go you would and your friend can see that. It’s not difficult to travel with 4 month olds at all and you could even go and leave your baby with your partner.

[StampMc]

I'm more considering that we may have to make several stops so can't plan on it being a simple 1.5hr journey

Why do you have to make several stops?

I just think even within a straight run it's a 3 hour round trip and it seems a long way for a 3 hour stay.hmm

Which is the crux of it. She’s not worth a 1.5 hour drive. Which is fine, but you can’t tell people you can’t be fucked to put yourself out for their birthday without them being hurt. If it was an overnight stay or 8 hour round trip I could see it but “sorry, your birthday isn’t worth 90 min in the car” is hurtful. It’s less than the length of a film. I’d drive that to meet someone for a 20min coffee if I liked them and valued their friendship. You should have made a plausible excuse rather than said you didn’t think it was worth the bother.