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How pissed off/fed up should I be?(52 Posts)
Honestly... I don't really have the energy any more. I'm going to attempt not to drip feed but as my username suggests, I post quite regularly and I don't want this tied to my other posts. I just want some abstract advice, please, from whoever will listen. Ask any questions you want, I'll answer. If you can get through the wall of text.
DCs birthday is in a few days. We are having a party, but it's only a 2nd birthday party so to be honest I wasn't planning to go all out, regardless of lockdown/pandemic crap. I just want a nice celebration with a few pictures for memories. Last year, we had a much 'bigger' party. Invited friends and family from both sides. Prepared all sorts of food. It was lovely. DC won't remember it but there are enough pictures and memories to last a lifetime, I hope. Not important though.
My mother and youngest brother have fallen out with DP. Or he's fallen out with them. Or both. They hate each other. I'm not in contact with my other brother so that's a moot point. They're my closest friends at the moment anyway. For personal reasons, I've managed to distance myself from all of my other friends. My closest non relative friend has severe OCD and anxiety and would not be able to attend the event this year due to concerns about the virus. I'm obviously sad about this but I respect him and his feelings and I'm in no way annoyed that he can't come.
My brother is forbidden from attending. Forbidden from ever coming to the house. My mother will not attend because of this. She will only visit me when DP is not here.
DP has invited his family and a few of his friends. He didn't 'ask' me or let me know he was planning to. He just told me they were coming. His family are visiting from far away so will be staying for a long time around the actual party. One of his friends and the wife, I have never met.
I've been feeling low recently anyway. I've been struggling to leave the house due to my own anxieties. Recently, my CBT therapy has been discontinued, with the therapist citing 'lack of support at home' as the reason she can't continue my sessions. This honestly made me feel as though the floor fell from underneath me. I don't know what to do about that, so I'm waiting for a call back from the GP to hopefully discuss this. Because of all of that, I haven't been as on top of the housework as I usually am, so it's a state. And I'm not saying that in a precious 'oh my, forgive the stale pot-pourri' way - it's a shit hole. I would rather nobody came to the house if I'm honest. I'm trying not to be too uptight about that though. I don't want to be a cow. I keep it clean enough for my children to play and be safe. I just don't have the energy to even think about cleaning up to a standard where I'd be happy to welcome strangers into the home to host a party. I'm going to either have to suck it up and clean, or give up and let them come and turn their noses up.
Thinking about the 'party' now just makes me want to curl up and sleep. I think the final straw this evening was DP telling me about his 'plans' for the next few days. All personal things for relaxation and self development as he's on his rest days from work, no plans to blitz the house. I don't feel like I've had a 'rest day' since I gave birth. But I'm a SAHM. That's my role and my responsibility. I read a lot of threads here and I get the gist. And besides, he would disagree anyway. I'm probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. I know I'm in a better position to clean up because I don't work full time and I don't earn any money.
I'm feeling emotional and tired. I've tried telling him what's wrong, he gets cross that I'm pushing back against him having guests when I could have my own. I don't feel that's true. Do we agree to disagree?
Have I explained all of that clearly? I'm not trying to be vague. I'm tired and fed up and sad. I was also angry but I can't be bothered with that anymore.
What should I do? Or more, should I be feeling so sorry for myself?
Thanks for reading this far if you have.
You're very clear and I can hear the exhaustion and frustration. Your husband isn't hearing you and you don't even have the energy to fight anymore. He won't pitch in and help clean his house as he sees all that as your job. To add insult to injury he's planning on spending his spare time doing lovely relaxing stuff. Thing is, as a SAHM - when is your spare time?! Do you ever get any or are you just on duty constantly?
I don't understand your therapist's comment - did they mean that you lack support at home?
Yes. I have OCD, which means I get anxious about some really stupid things. The dumbest things can feel like life or death. But that means that when I do have a concern about something that is important, it's not clear if it's just 'my OCD' acting up or not. My therapist seemed to be fed up of dealing with my constant complaints about not being listened to at home, to be honest. She's lovely, and I will miss having her to talk to. And I feel like I'm always on duty. Always. I sit there on his days off counting the time until I have to get up and make the next meal/snack/do the dishwasher/wash some clothes/dry some clothes. I know very well that a lot of this is my frustration talking. It's probably nowhere near as bad as I'm painting it to be. I just miss my hobbies. I miss naps. I miss my friends. I miss so much.
I think yabu a little about the party. He should be able to invite his friends and family to his sons birthday. If he isn't concerned about his house being spotless for them, that's his road to hoe.
There are other issues here that don't fall under that bu, where he is very much bu. Unless there is a huge backstory, I would be making it very clear that once his family have left I'd be taking DS to my mums for cake or whatever.
Tell your husband that if he wants people that’s he’s invited to attend the party, then HE needs to clean the house because you’re not going to rush round for the benefit of people you don’t even know. When do you get rest days??
I dont get these kinds of parties- they certainly arent fir your kid. I've never been invited to a childs party unless I was bringing a child...
Any plans should have been discussed and agreed upon. Tell your husband he can also get the house ready or pay for someone to do it - a party is a joint effort. Don't be a martyr.
I don't feel like I do get rest days. But I'm not entirely sure how much of that is down to my commitments at home and how much of that is down to my own anxiety. Whichever it is, I don't have hours where I can sit there engaging in my hobbies away from the children. I don't really want to be away from the children anyway. I love them dearly. They're beautiful. I don't resent spending every second with them. I just sometimes feel so exhausted.
Regardless of what 'time off' I do or don't get, I can definitely say that I make all breakfasts, lunches and dinners every single day, unless we get a takeaway. I do the dishwasher multiple times per day. I clean up as I go, all the time, to try to make sure that things don't get even shittier than they already are. I haven't blitzed the house recently. I'd like to think someone else would.
Even as I write this I hate how I sound. I'm being self pitying and miserable. I don't want sympathy and LTBs. I just need help to define where I need to suck it up, and where I can afford to feel miffed.
Also, I agree. I don't want to prevent him from having his family or friends over. I just really truly wish that he had sat me down and said 'I'm planning to invite X'. Out of respect. But he didn't, and he does t think he should have had to. So I'm just trying to come to terms with everything without throwing a hissy fit.
The first birthday was definitely more of a grown up celebration. A celebration of DC and of us becoming parents. It wasn't one of those PFB things and I don't have friends with small children so I couldn't make it a child centred party. But regardless, it was really nice. This year, I just wanted some food, a cake, and some pictures. I couldn't have given a crap if it was just us and DC. A lot of this has just 'happened'. Perhaps he's trying to relive the magic of last year. And of course perhaps he's trying to brighten up the crappy pandemic times. I'm not upset that it's become bigger than I'd planned. I'm frustrated that it happened the way it has, and now I feel like I have a 24 style clock ticking away while I try to figure out how to get everything done.
I think do a list of stuff that has to be done, choose what you can do and tick off, give the list to him and just say this is for you to do otherwise it won’t be done - that’s it- pass the responsibility to him physically with a list and it may help - he is right to ask his friends, it would have been good manners to ask you first/ tell you what his plans are etc but he does need to accommodate them and that includes tidying and making their beds/ food shopping etc - and making breakfast and tidying behind them when they stay!! Concentrate on the party
Hmm, we need more info on why your H is so anti your mum and brother. Are they difficult, Is there something specific or is your H controlling?
You are a sham, so to an extent the bulk (not all) housework does fall to you. But you also need relaxation time. Your h doesn’t need several rest days. He needs to spend time with his kids with maybe a couple of hours away. And you should get a couple of hours away as well, no shame in that. We all need to decompress.
But my alarm bell is you cbt counsellor. They are basically saying your H is blocking you from getting better. Sounds like he is a big part of the problem.
You need to do following:-
- explain you need help decluttering and cleaning & make a rota
- have a gathering somewhere other than your house - perhaps a park or beach or somewhere DS would enjoy - this avoids having to clear up afterwards
- have two smaller celebrations so see your DM a different time & take DS somewhere he would enjoy
- you don't need DH adult mates over - he can have them over a different time
- consider ways you can afford a cleaner on a regular basis
- accept that DH has fallen out with your family & avoid get togethers with them all there - it's not uncommon
I couldn't read all of that but the one thing that stood out was you're trying to have a party for a child that won't remember it anyway...just have a nice day without the unnecessary stress. You don't need a party
@Caplin without writing another wall of text, my brother can be very outspoken. He says things he shouldn't and he's opinionated. He stayed with us shortly after DC was born and he and H ended up fighting. Verbally and physically. Since then brother has been convinced that H is abusive. I'm not of that opinion. My mother believes him and over the years has become more convinced. She doesn't 'take crap' from him, and it's his house. So he has put his foot down about my brother ever coming here again, and he has said he is not happy for my mother to visit when he's there, because he can't stand her. It's difficult, I hate the situation. H has family members that I would ban from the house if I could, and not out of spite or vengeance, they're awful and I don't like their influence on DC. So I often feel annoyed that my family can't visit but for his family it's a free for all.
OP, both your family and your CBT counsellor are pointing to controlling aspects of your husband’s behaviour That mean they cannot reach you. Maybe they have a point?
Apologies, I should add that my youngest brother is 19. He has a lot of growing up to do and I think he needs an attitude adjustment sometimes. But I love him and teenagers are difficult. I don't think things need to be this tense. I think H can forgive my brother for some of his actions, and take responsibility for his own actions as an adult.
There's a chance they have a point. Times like this, I feel isolated and angry and wonder if it's me or if it's him. I'm really struggling to separate where the fault lies, because this is not the way things always are. He can be pig headed and stubborn and I can be over anxious and dramatic.
He may or may not be abusive but him telling you who you can and can’t have over while not even discussing with you who he has invited over. It’s your home too, if you want your mum and your brother over you should be allowed, it does depend a little on what they were fighting about though. Is there a clear person in the right and person in the wrong?
I think your brother and mum may be on to something. Have they said what it is they think makes your DH controlling? If your DH can ban people from your house, you should be able to ban people from your home. Sauce for the goose and all that. You sound very unhappy lovie. Being a mum isn’t about doing housework and tidying up after The Great Provider. You are still the person you were before you had children and before you met your DH, you just might have lost yourself a bit. Just because you don’t have a paying job doesn’t mean your not contributing. In fact, you’re probably doing all of the “family” things. You mention that you have hobbies but don’t get time to do them and friends that you don’t get to see. Why? The comments from your counsellor sound very unusual. Did she go into detail about what she meant? Lots of women over in Relationships have anxiety/depression that can be attributed to being in a controlling relationship. Does your DH do anything that makes you change how you might behave? Either to avoid an argument or the silent treatment or because it’s just easier? Another point, how many different households will be coming to yours and how long for? I’d be concerned about lots of people mixing at the moment, particularly if I couldn’t be sure they were low risk of C19 or if they’d been following guidelines.
Not in my opinion. My brother was being selfish during his stay and H was tired and fed up and confronted him. My brother started shouting and got up in his face, H pushed him. They were both idiots and I hated every second of it. H kicked him out of the house there and then. He came back once after that and just moped around. When I'm on the phone to my mum, he makes snide remarks in the background for H to hear. He now never wants him back here. H has strong opinions about him that are quite frankly insulting. They're both hot headed idiots, in my opinion.
About four households I believe. That in itself makes me uncomfortable. My own anxiety has meant I've distanced myself from my friends, as well as feeling that there's too much needing to be done to ever go out. My hobbies require time to concentrate, I enjoy crochet and art, but with DC being the age they are, a ball of wool would end up wrapped around the furniture within seconds and any pencil I'm holding would be snatched from my hand. It's impossible to sit and do these things. They're not poorly behaved, they're babies, and I don't want to go and lock myself in a room to do my hobbies. I wouldn't enjoy that one bit. So for now I feel as though I'm just waiting. Sometimes it's irritating, seeing H sitting on the sofa next to me or at the table doing his hobbies, while I keep DC at bay. But this is only on his days off. He has a demanding job. I can't get too pissed off about it all.
Rule number one always is stop feeling sorry for yourself. And change. Stop saying that you are not happy, but change things in order for you to be happy. Change them all. Stop complaining and start acting. You can't say I wish life was different and I wish that I could have a day off every now and then do nothing to make it happen.
I can get on board with that. I've always felt self sufficient for the most part, I've never felt before that life is happing 'to' me the way I do now. I was in a physically abusive relationship for years and even then I never felt like this. I have no idea what I'm turning in to.
I can understand about the hobbies...there is nothing relaxing in trying to do a grown up thing with small children clambering all over you! DH should be giving you time to do what you need. You’ve got a demanding job too so you need some time where you’re not thinking about other people and putting them before you. 4 households is too many! Current guidance is 2. Groups of up to 6 can meet outdoors if it’s more than 2 households. Overnight stays are only for 2 households. The fact that you’ve got anxiety about C19 that he’s ignoring is worrying. Does he know how you fell about having so many people coming? Putting the tidying etc to one side, there’s no way I’d be having that many people in my house (anything my DH and I have had to do that might be an issue has been discussed and if one of us isn’t keen we don’t do it. MIL came to stay but DH discussed it beforehand, I knew what MIL had been doing so knew she wasn’t a risk and we made sure she what precautions we’ve been doing). Does he know you’re not keen for C19 reasons? And you absolutely can get pissed off about it all! You seem to be aware that something isn’t right and that thing is making you unhappy and question what’s happening, but there’s a voice telling you you’re being unreasonable and it’s you duty/job(role to accept everything. Whose voice is that? It sounds like your DH’s idea of married life and parenthood is the one you’re having to live and it doesn’t match your expectations.
I can't get too pissed off about it all
Well you should. In fact, there's a lot you should be pissed off about eg that your DH feels he can ban your family from the house whilst inviting whoever he likes to visit and stay, without even running it past you; that he was violent to your brother; that he's inviting different households into your home during a pandemic.
First, you need to call your GP and get a new counsellor or medication, plus blood tests because you sound depressed and exhausted.
Then you need to decide if you have the strength to challenge your DH on his behaviour. It might be an idea to read Lundy Bancroft. There are lots of red flags.
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