To consider leaving DH over work?

[UncertainFuture]

DH has his own business and I work for him, and it's very stressful. I've never liked it, I work on my own and feel very lonely. Im not good at being self employed - im a hard worker but struggle with focus and work much better with a boss telling me what to do and being part of a team. I started helping him with a few bits when the business was small and just gradually ended up working for him full time.

December last year, up until just before the lockdown, my mental health was terrible. I was having bad nightmares related to the job where I'd wake up in a panic. I started to stutter when I talked sometimes. I barely slept.

I was prescribed some mood stabilisers and they kicked in around the same time lockdown started and for a couple of months I felt amazing. I was getting stuff done, felt less lonely than I have for years (DH doing reduced hours, family zoom chats everyday, etc), was doing my hobbies and cooking etc.

I thought it was coincidence with the timing of lockdown and the ADs starting to work but since going back to working full time a month ago, I feel like I'm slipping back into how I was feeling before, but worse? Nightmares are starting again too and I've noticed I've stammered a couple of times.

DH and my relationship is general good but I'm very laid back and he is a bit bossy, so I often feel like I'm just supporting him through his life rather than living my own.

He is a workaholic and loves his life, thrives off stress, works six days a week, 10+ hours per day.

I don't feel like I could just stop working for him, it would be a case of either stop with him and work for him or quit the job and also split up.

I feel like I have an instinct inside me to just run away. Leave everything and just go. I could potentially go to Uni in September to study teaching, which has always been my dream job. Or I could move to the coast.

But at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving him, or having such an uncertain future. We don't have kids, after years of infertility, but we have a comfortable life together. I'm 30 and we've been together 15 years.

WIBU to leave?

[DianaT1969]

Most people don't work for their husbands. Can you explain why you don't think you can get a different job? He can employ someone else and he'll have his pick from a skilled workforce with so many people being laid-off. You also don't need to rush into training - now isn't a good time to join a university course. Just get a job you enjoy. One step at a time. Give him a month's notice today. I guarantee you'll sleep better tonight.

[clairethewitch70]

I work from home for my DH. Have done since first pregnancy in 1995. I hate the job, it is not something I would choose. There was a time that I adapted it to save it and we were very successful but my health deteriorated badly and our regular customers suffered. I always wanted to be a Pharmacist, but I met and married young and joined the family business,

[labyrinthloafer]

You should be able to get a different job if you're not happy, and if your husband doesn't support that, then he doesn't deserve you to stay.

[7yo7yo]

Your too young for this!
Love the life you want and if that means you have to do it alone then so be it.

[UncertainFuture]

DH has issues trusting people, we have staff who work for us already and it is a nightmare sometimes, if they have a day off sick then he will be stressing out thinking they're going to leave etc, so he wants me to do my job as I handle the money and he can trust me.

I also don't feel I can just leave because of things he's said to me in the past, things like if I didn't work for him then we would have totally separate finances and I would have to pay half of everything but that he doesn't think that works in a relationship, I think he also actually said it once that if I didn't want to work for him we would have to split up.

[Fatted]

I think you need to separate home life and work life. Some people thrive on working at home with their partner. Some people hate it.

Personally, I am the latter and am really struggling with working from home (don't work with DH though thank God!). I like having a separate family life and work life and having everything compartmentalized. Working at home, I feel like I am always on duty as mum, always on duty as worker and never relax.

Why do you feel like you can't quit working for DH? Is it actually all done above board? Does he employ you, pay pension and tax etc or are you just helping out because you feel obligated to because he is sharing his income.

I would quit the job. Go and find something to do for yourself.

[UncertainFuture]

Yes everything is 100% above board, I take a salary and pay tax/NI etc, I don't work from home we have an office, it's just that it's only me in there the majority of the time.

[UncertainFuture]

@clairethewitch70 I'm sorry you're in a similar situation! Can I ask, how do you cope with the job if you hate it?

[Sunrise234]

You don't need to leave your DH just explain how you are finding it stressful or want to pursue your own career in something else. You will probably find you have a better relationship when you don't work together.

[Sunrise234]

things like if I didn't work for him then we would have totally separate finances and I would have to pay half of everything but that he doesn't think that works in a relationship, I think he also actually said it once that if I didn't want to work for him we would have to split up.

This is concerning. Surely your partner would want you to do whatever makes you happy.
I would TELL him you are applying for other jobs and if he decides to split with you then you know he didn't really care about you it was just his business he cared about.

[museumum]

Tell him you want to study teaching. If he won’t support you in that then he has serious issues and frankly you’d be better off without him.

[Bluetrews25]

You got together with him when you were 15. A child, really. People grow up and change.
You don't have to stay with him just because you have been together a long time.
You hate the job and it is impacting on your MH. You know what you want to do for a career and this is not it.
You have very little relationship if he is working so much.
You OP has trust issues / MH issues. He sounds quite controlling with the finances etc.
This is not where you want to be.
Get out now, don't waste any more time with him.

[UncertainFuture]

@Bluetrews25 To be fair, he's not controlling with finances, not sure where you got that from. But he does like things done his own way and can be quite stubborn.

[Dinomom52]

If you didn’t work together you’d have to split?
Op this sounds quite controlling to me? I’m starting to wonder if you have bigger problems than just the job?
Do you have money aside saved? Could you stay with a relative for a while?
I think you need a break to be honest from work & potentially from him. Some space will let you work out what you want. You’re so young-don’t live his life. Go after your own.
Where you are now isn’t making you happy. You’re already dreaming about leaving, that’s got to be a sign to go.

[UncertainFuture]

I also think we need to split up rather than just stop working for him because, this business means so much to him, and I don't think he would ever get over the hurt of me not wanting to be a part of it, and I wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt I'd feel.

[user1456324865563]

To be fair, he's not controlling with finances, not sure where you got that from. But he does like things done his own way and can be quite stubborn.

How is that not controlling?

[UncertainFuture]

@Dinomom52 I wouldn't say he was controlling as such, but he definitely is a bit bossy and does like things done his own way. He's not a bad person and isn't mean to me though.

[user1456324865563]

You need to learn how to live your own life and meet your own needs, rather than existing solely to meet the needs of others...

You are too young to settle for life being this shit.

[UncertainFuture]

@user1456324865563 well he's not controlling with finances as I handle all the money at home and at work.

What would you say the line is between being a bit bossy and being controlling?

[Sunrise234]

I wouldn't say he was controlling as such, but he definitely is a bit bossy and does like things done his own way

He has said if you didn't work for him you would have to split up - he is either being controlling or just using you.

[rachelfrost]

When your partner won’t let you change your job without leaving you and putting you under financial stress he’s controlling, not ‘bossy’.

We spend so much of our lives at work. It matters. Look after yourself.

[UncertainFuture]

@user1456324865563 I agree I think I do definitely need to learn to live my own life. I'm a bit of a doormat really, always have been. I see a lot of similarities between my husband, my mum and my best friend growing up. I always just do what everyone else wants, I hate the thought of people being unhappy, I'd rather be unhappy myself.

[UncertainFuture]

@user1456324865563 I agree I think I do definitely need to learn to live my own life. I'm a bit of a doormat really, always have been. I see a lot of similarities between my husband, my mum and my best friend growing up. I always just do what everyone else wants, I hate the thought of people being unhappy, I'd rather be unhappy myself.

[Thingsthatgo]

he would choose to not be with you if you didn’t work for him? What kind of a relationship is that? Sounds very controlling.

[UncertainFuture]

@user1456324865563 I agree I think I do definitely need to learn to live my own life. I'm a bit of a doormat really, always have been. I see a lot of similarities between my husband, my mum and my best friend growing up. I always just do what everyone else wants, I hate the thought of people being unhappy, I'd rather be unhappy myself.