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Who is BU re. appointment, DH or me?

(204 Posts)
VanillaRex Tue 14-Jul-20 09:36:04

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

OP’s posts: |
BuffaloCauliflower Tue 14-Jul-20 09:37:10

He needs to move his meeting. Your appointment was there first and is much harder to move

MadeForThis Tue 14-Jul-20 09:38:23

He is BU

Medical need trumps a work meeting. He can reschedule that or explain that he will have is young dc during the meeting.

RedHelenB Tue 14-Jul-20 09:38:35

You go to your appointment. Leave the house before him and he will have to look after his baby, no choice

SueEllenMishke Tue 14-Jul-20 09:39:26

He needs to move the meeting. Medical appointments ( that were booked in first) trump work meetings.

Beamur Tue 14-Jul-20 09:39:41

He is BU.
He should have blocked out the time in his schedule.
Stand firm. He needs to explain to work that he isn't available. Perhaps he should book the time off if it's not possible to wfh whilst looking after the baby.

Fatted Tue 14-Jul-20 09:40:21

Your DH is an arse hole. Simple. His work does not trump your health. He can take the baby with him to work.

Quartz2208 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:41:37

He massively is - an important work meeting is far easier to reschedule than a medical appointment

He needs to tell them he cannot make it (although he should have blocked the time out on his calendar way before this) and why and ask them to move it.

Tell him why does he get to refuse. You are not moving your appointment and they are his child as much as yours

Calic0 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:41:42

On the face of it, I’d say he is, but there are a lot of factors here around how essential is the appointment and how important is the meeting.

Also, and I appreciate you say you’re far away from family and friends etc but surely, going forwards, you need some sort of childcare plan B?

DomDoesWotHeWants Tue 14-Jul-20 09:45:45

He is being a prick.

Flyingagainstreason Tue 14-Jul-20 09:48:06

I can’t believe you need to ask this question the answer is so obvious. Which makes me believe the problem is MUCH bigger.

Regularsizedrudy Tue 14-Jul-20 09:48:45

He’s being a shit. Just go.

WeAllHaveWings Tue 14-Jul-20 09:48:55

Unfortunately if he is working and was just being flexible at work, rather than booked time off for your appointment, if an important meeting has come up with multiple attendees and hard to reschedule it is not that easy to say you can't attend because you have made a personal commitment during your working hours.

Doesn't help this time, but in future if you need a definite commitment he should book annual leave. Is it possible for him to book short notice annual leave now stating it is for medical /childcare reasons or alternatively depending on the urgency of your appointment your options are really just reschedule, or find a sitter for a couple of hours.

WhatKatyDidNxt Tue 14-Jul-20 09:51:38

He’s being unreasonable. You were there first and why should you have to wait until September for a medical matter. If his meeting is so important then why does he only know about it now? My very important meetings then l know about well in advance

KatherineJaneway Tue 14-Jul-20 09:53:43

Your DH. Medical trumps work meeting. He could have a quiet word and ask for the meeting to be rearranged or get someone to attend on his behalf. He has options.

Mydogisthebestest Tue 14-Jul-20 09:54:35

DH is unreasonable

Georgieporgie29 Tue 14-Jul-20 09:56:26

He is BU, as others have said medical trumps work.
Could he not try and get 10 month old to nap so he can do the meeting too?
You had arranged childcare for your appointment (with DH), he now has had something come up so he needs to arrange childcare.

SerendipitySunshine Tue 14-Jul-20 09:57:27

Honestly it depends what both are, and how urgent both are. I'd delay a non urgent appt if DH had a vital meeting and he'd do the same for me.

MsEllany Tue 14-Jul-20 10:00:22

If his meeting is so important, he should have booked AL to ensure he was around to look after your child.

How selfish. Let’s inconvenience my wife while she’s dealing with a potentially serious medical issue because I didn’t think it was important to block time out for this appointment.

He works from home. He could have booked in his own private meeting into his diary, responded to an invite with a decline and ‘I have a meeting clash’. But he didn’t, he accepted it and now, surprise surprise, the onus is on you to sort it.

Sorry OP. I don’t mean to make you feel bad. But I’m sick to the back teeth of the thoughtlessness.

I hope your appointment goes well flowers

frazzledasarock Tue 14-Jul-20 10:01:33

He is, he needs to get someone else to attend the meetign on his behalf. He should have booked out the morning of that day months ago. He can get emergency parental leave.

I would leave early, and he can deal with the baby.

How often does he have sole care of your baby out of interest?

MsEllany Tue 14-Jul-20 10:01:40

Doesn't help this time, but in future if you need a definite commitment he should book annual leave. Is it possible for him to book short notice annual leave now stating it is for medical /childcare reasons or alternatively depending on the urgency of your appointment your options are really just reschedule, or find a sitter for a couple of hours

You’d think a man important enough to manage his own diary would be able to work this out himself hmm

countrygirl99 Tue 14-Jul-20 10:02:51

It all rather depends. If your medical appointment is re cosmetic surgery you are, if it's a health issue he is.

Ironmanrocks Tue 14-Jul-20 10:04:06

I had lots of medical appointments shortly after having my child. It went on for months - I used to take him in his pushchair. If I had to have a scan, a lovely nurse or a receptionist would keep an eye on him for the 5 mins or so that it took. He had toys/books/drink and a snack to keep him busy. No-one minded. Maybe call the department and ask if they can
help. If they can't help you, then you insist that your husband does. You've tried to help him, but can't.

CaffiSaliMali Tue 14-Jul-20 10:05:24

He is being unreasonable and needs to sort childcare. Don't delay an important medical meeting.

He should have blocked the time out in his work calendar. Then, when the meeting was arranged he should have explained the situation to his manager. Can't he send a deputy?

My employer is being very flexible with all staff at the moment as they recognise many have caring commitments. Lots of people are attending teleconferences whilst caring for small children and babies. Has he even asked for flexibility, or is he just assuming he won't be granted it?

I'm guessing you're not allowed to take your baby with you to your appointment?

ChicCroissant Tue 14-Jul-20 10:06:04

If it's an NHS appointment I'd expect him to stick to the arrangement. He doesn't seem to have booked the time as busy online in his diary, which may be difficult for a non-work related commitment without booking time off (as a PP said).

However it depends on the appointment that you have, if it's not urgent (and quite rightly you don't have to say what it is on here) and the delay would not affect your health I'd probably reschedule.

Either way, it is really annoying and you have my sympathy! I hope you get to keep your appointment.

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