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*Trigger Warning* My MIL is a rape apologiser

(260 Posts)
Gurtcha Mon 13-Jul-20 17:39:21

Just that really. Yesterday afternoon she was talking about her best friend’s (of 30+ years) DD, MIL’s god daughter. Unfortunately, MILBF’s DD was attacked and seriously sexually assaulted last weekend. Whilst telling us everything that she knew about the incident (thats something else - it was really not her place to tell all), she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.

Mine and DHs jaw hit the floor, DH started stammering and I’m ashamed to say I hit the roof. I can usually tune out her mindless ignorance on most things but this time she got under my skin. I told her it was disgusting that she would defend an abuser of someone she claims to care about, that her attitudes were responsible for the suicides of victims that never get justice and that she needs to educate herself as she is clearly in the privileged position of being a woman that has never had to experience sexual abuse. I upped and left at that point. I did raise my voice, it’s true. I was totally disgusted and I still feel sick whenever I think about it. I’ve not spoken to her since, neither has DH. He’s seething.

The thing is, we have three young DDs 12, 8 and 3. AIBU to never want them to spend enough time with her for her views to become known to them? She can barely keep her opinions to herself at the best of times and I’m so scared that one day, my DDs will feel they have a good enough relationship with her to confide in her at a later date, if god forbid, anything should happen to them.

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Gurtcha Mon 13-Jul-20 17:40:39

That should say “apologist” not “apologiser”. Cringing at my own grammar blush

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Soubriquet Mon 13-Jul-20 17:42:42

I don’t blame you for lashing out

These attitudes were popular years ago, but they shouldn’t be acceptable

The more people that call them out on it, the more they will realise the only people who are to blame for rape...are rapists

Otterses Mon 13-Jul-20 17:44:11

I wouldn't want my kids around her either. It's an incredibly damaging attitude to have, let alone express to others.

What was her response when you challenged her views?

Perro Mon 13-Jul-20 17:44:31

You did the right thing in challenging her attitude. Hopefully she will take your points on board.

DearLiza Mon 13-Jul-20 17:47:13

I've dealt with a relative like this. Just do not engage, bc they will say ridiculous, provocative things to try and get a response. Minimal contact with MIL sounds like the way forward. An open, supportive relationship with your children hopefully will leave them better prepared foŕ the realities of this world.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness Mon 13-Jul-20 17:47:59

You did the right thing. And your DH sounds decent as well. Did MIL actually reply?

CuppaZa Mon 13-Jul-20 17:48:31

Proud that you stood up for rape victims op. I hope your DM feels awful.

nevermorelenore Mon 13-Jul-20 17:55:20

I have fallen out with my MIL over similar. She went off on some ridiculous rant a couple of years ago about how women who wait to report their rape are just being vindictive and she thinks all these famous men being accused are victims of a 'witch hunt'. Even when I subtly tried to tell her that she was upsetting me as a survivor myself, she kept on about 'silly young girls'. To be honest, that was a turning point in our relationship. We weren't close, but I'd make an effort to see her and send her nice texts. But now we are low contact and she's on a serious information diet because I can't be fucked hearing her opinions anymore.

Gurtcha Mon 13-Jul-20 17:56:47

The response was “well we’ll have to agree to disagree”.

That made me feel more sick than anything else sad

Yes, DH is a good’un. He’s disgusted and worried about future relationships with our DDs, especially when they’re older. To be honest, it’s not much skin of my nose if we went NC but I feel sad for DH and DDs missing out on a relationship with their GPs (they have none on my side).

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wibdib Mon 13-Jul-20 17:57:10

Do you know if she has said anything to her BF along these lines (or worse, her ds) or did she have the sense not to say anything like that to them? If she did she might be looking for a new bf herself...

Gurtcha Mon 13-Jul-20 17:57:47

She won’t feel awful @CuppaZa. She’s always right hmm

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ImperfectAlf Mon 13-Jul-20 17:59:30

I knew what you meant in your thread title, Op < misses point completely>.
On a more serious note, you did the right thing by confronting that issue. Unless she has form for this kind of thing, she will probably think long and hard about it. I had a similar experience with an aunt. I ended up shouting (I’m not proud of that) but she had the good grace to apologise when we next saw her.
If MIL doesn’t, then you have a problem.

Gurtcha Mon 13-Jul-20 17:59:51

@wibdib interestingly she said that of course she’d never express this to GD’s face, so I doubt it. Apparently it’s ok to say disgusting things behind someone’s back as long as you don’t say it to their face.

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Clevererthanyou Mon 13-Jul-20 18:03:06

Your mil is bang out of order. Once my late mother discovered that my ex bf had raped me she said (and I quote) “Well I don’t know what your relationship was like do I? You consented to sex with him before so ...” and then “Well whatever, I like him anyway”. Women can be shockingly cruel to other women op and you are within your rights to protect your DD from your MIL malicious diatribe.

ImperfectAlf Mon 13-Jul-20 18:03:10

Ah, well, that changes things. You still did the right thing.
For the future, your DH will have to monitor her a lot closer when your DCs are around.

ImperfectAlf Mon 13-Jul-20 18:04:00

@Clevererthanyou😱😱😱

Gurtcha Mon 13-Jul-20 18:05:34

@Clevererthanyou I’m so sorry. Your MIL is one thing but your own mother is something entirely different sad please know there are people that believe you and support you flowers

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Gurtcha Mon 13-Jul-20 18:08:06

On another note, should I reach out to GD? I know her although admittedly not very well. Or would it be better to pretend I don’t know until I’ve heard the news from her or her mum (unlikely)? Of course I’d never divulge what MIL said to them.

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pictish Mon 13-Jul-20 18:08:21

I’m not sure her draconian opinion is quite enough to worry about her influence over your girls...they are being brought up by you and your dh after all and you both sound on the ball on such matters.

Wecandothis99 Mon 13-Jul-20 18:08:43

Wow! You were absolutely right. What a dick

blardiblabla Mon 13-Jul-20 18:08:46

You should not feel ashamed for calling her out on this at all! We all need to be better at doing this. The 'agree to disagree' thing would have pissed me off even more. YADNBU to want to keep a distance between her and your children, and I'm glad your DH isn't defending her either.

pictish Mon 13-Jul-20 18:09:33

I would have called her out too so well done on that.

krustykittens Mon 13-Jul-20 18:10:25

She'll be very lucky if this never gets back to her best friend, as I am sure you are not the only person she has said this to. Appalling attitude and this lack of empathy to someone I assume she claimed to care for is disturbing. I would also watch her carefully around your children. My physically abusive stepfather once told my six year old daughter that sometimes men have good reason to beat women. It was completely out of the blue, my six year old didn't initiate a conversation about domestic violence. For this and unfortunately, too many other instances due to my being reluctant to severe the relationship, we have now gone NC. Both my parents went out of their way to destroy my self esteem and oddly enough, that of my eldest daughter. I really wouldn't trust your MIL not to the same- you said she has said some ignorant things before?

mbosnz Mon 13-Jul-20 18:12:09

Unfortunately, it is highly likely that your kids are going to be exposed to these attitudes. My daughter was in a class that was dealing with matters of sexual consent, and only herself and one other student did not agree that people who dress in a particular way aren't 'asking for it', and if they get raped, it's not really rape.

I can see why you blew up at your MIL, and good on your DH too.

I guess, what I'm saying, is start talking about these things early, in an age appropriate manner, discussing the issues, helping them form views that do not buy into and perpetuate rape myths. And if anything happens to them (Gods forbid), if you guys have been open, honest, supportive, and caring, they're far more likely to come to you, not their nasty, two faced, ignorant misogynist of a grandma. And would consign her views to the scrapheap if they heard her spouting them.

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