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AIBU to be absolutely fuming?

(372 Posts)
sunshinewhereareyou Mon 13-Jul-20 11:13:11

I am MOH for a girl I met through work, we are very close. In return she is my MOH, it felt right and she felt the best person for the job (she says I am her best friend).

Her family are very wealthy and own a house in another country which she and her fiance go to a couple of times a year. Sometimes they go with other couple friends. I have never been invited and her mum has commented on how it's odd as her best friend. They claim they're not close enough to my fiance, my fiance thinks it's unfair as I should still go just with her instead as a girls holiday (however she is not allowed to go on holiday without him - he is controlling).

She was meant to get married recently but obviously it's now next year. I have sent flowers, presents etc. to mark the occasion and whilst their honeymoon was cancelled, the first week of it which was to go to the house in the foreign country is remaining (although no air bridge). I wished her a good week away/"honeymoon". I have only seen through Instagram that they've gone with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, I'm the only one not invited in the bridal party. Most of the bridal party are couples but one is single and one is in a relationship and her boyfriend is invited (despite not being in the 'group').

I feel so offended and hurt. It was definitely kept secretive from me as whenever I mentioned them going away she acted as if it was just them. I don't know what to do, do I confront her when she's back?

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sunshinewhereareyou Mon 13-Jul-20 11:25:40

I act like so nice to her DP. I sent them presents literally the other day to mark their wedding day and even sent them both well wishes for their honeymoon thinking it was just them two...

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Ughmaybenot Mon 13-Jul-20 11:26:22

Right, but have you vocalised your issues with him to her? That might be the difference.
Either that or they just really don’t like your DP.

RandomMess Mon 13-Jul-20 11:26:55

It could well be her fiancé trying to get you to end the friendship...

sunshinewhereareyou Mon 13-Jul-20 11:27:37

@fedup1 there's not much not to like, he doesn't work in London and we live outside (but I commute in) so he doesn't just join random activities but DP tries with him a lot, gets on better with my friend than the guy as he's a bit odd. They're not close.

I've realised the girl whose boyfriend isn't part of the group isn't invited - it's just her so was everyone there is a bridesmaid and groomsman. I'd have gone away without DP, we do that anyway. She's aware as I go on girls holidays every year.

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sunshinewhereareyou Mon 13-Jul-20 11:29:50

@bluebellforest836 one girl is single and one girl is there without the partner

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RedskyAtnight Mon 13-Jul-20 11:29:52

I think it depends on who the bridesmaids and groomsmen are.
You say you met your friend through work. If everyone else in the bridal party (say) know each other because they were at university together, then you're not part of that group of friends, so wouldn't expect to be included in a holiday (which is no longer linked to the wedding) that is just for a specific group of friends + partners.

billy1966 Mon 13-Jul-20 11:30:27

Could she be ANY clearer OP?

Don't waste any further time being upset.

She is not a friend.

How she thought this would play out is very strange.

Even if her fiancè is behind this, she still okayed it.

zingally Mon 13-Jul-20 11:30:30

You are MOH and "best friends" and yet all the other bridesmaids/groomsmen were invited and you weren't? That is very weird indeed.

Hand on heart, can you think of ANY realistic reason, from her point of view, why this might have happened? Really put yourself in her shoes.

If you can't, I think you need to step aside as MoH, and probably from the friendship as well.

BluebellForest836 Mon 13-Jul-20 11:31:55

Can you just send her a text and say you can see she’s gone away and your just wondering why you haven’t been invited ?

sunshinewhereareyou Mon 13-Jul-20 11:33:07

The people invited all know each other through university and happen to be in bridal party. So that's an obvious out. I think I'm hurt I didn't even know and found out through Instagram

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RandomMess Mon 13-Jul-20 11:36:18

I honestly think it's her boyfriend manipulating it to exclude you.

If they are all a group of friends from uni he thinks they won't encourage her to call off the wedding but you are a big threat to him...

Only you can decide if you emotionally cope with it or need to back off.

Her relationship sounds awful and she it likely too emotionally abused to end it sad

Elsiebear90 Mon 13-Jul-20 11:38:29

She’s not your best friend OP, she’s not even a good friend. It’s horrible, because a similar thing happened to me with someone I considered a best friend last year over her wedding (she lied and told me she wasn’t having bridesmaids anymore after asking me to be her MOH and I turned up on the day and found out she had just replaced me with someone else), I was devastated and it was friendship ending. This girl isn’t a true friend, because true friends don’t treat people like this, she knew you would find out and be hurt you weren’t invited and didn’t care.

vikingwife Mon 13-Jul-20 11:41:54

I can see why you’re hurt & would be inclined to ask her about it to give an opportunity to understand why you weren’t welcome to come along. For what it’s worth I am deeply distrustful of grown women who use labels like “best friends” - it’s all very high school isn’t it! Also this goes to show the ones who are so quick to label someone as a “bestie” don’t actually behave like it - it’s just a meaningless label. You’re her best friend “for now” is what it is... wonder why she did not pick an older friend as MOH...

Merryoldgoat Mon 13-Jul-20 11:42:08

The woman isn’t your friend.

When she gets back I’d just send a simple message saying you are no longer available for MOH duties and wish her a happy wedding.

HeidiHoNeighbour Mon 13-Jul-20 11:43:49

I’d step away. I wouldn’t even contact them.
If she’s that fussed she’ll contact you, don’t beg for her attention.

Why would you want somebody to be your MOH when she has said she’s not close to your fiancé and that’s why he (and you) are excluded from socialising.
Choose better for yourself.

vikingwife Mon 13-Jul-20 11:44:07

Also have just thought - is this possibly a class issue? Are all her uni friends of the same “tax bracket” or social class ? The group holiday to a family house in an exotic destination open to everyone but you? Is there any reason why she would not want you to mix with her uni friends?

I agree if you have ever voiced anything negative about her fiancé she will have told him everything you have said. Think carefully about any negative comment you have made to her her, even if it was trying to support her - he may well dislike you.

AntiHop Mon 13-Jul-20 11:44:45

sunshinewhereareyou

The people invited all know each other through university and happen to be in bridal party. So that's an obvious out. I think I'm hurt I didn't even know and found out through Instagram

Quite a big drip feed! As they all know each other, it makes sense why you weren't invited. Your friend probably avoided mentioning it as she didn't want to upset you.

BrightYellowDaffodil Mon 13-Jul-20 11:45:09

She has just told you, plain as day, what she thinks of your friendship. I'd feel betrayed in that situation.

Yup. If all the others are part of a different 'set' and have a shared history then I can maybe see where she's coming from but having a shared past doesn't mean you can't include anyone else to a shared future or present.

You're making an effort for her and she's not making any for you. Tell her she can find a new MoH and bin off this 'friendship' because this isn't how best friends behave.

CustardySergeant Mon 13-Jul-20 11:47:05

"I honestly think it's her boyfriend manipulating it to exclude you"

That's right. It must be a man's fault. hmm

caramelbun Mon 13-Jul-20 11:47:16

“I’m sad you didn’t invite me on your trip. I’m not going to be your MOH any more, sorry” Then leave it on read, don’t get sucked in with the inevitable excuses.

Short and polite, non aggressive. You have to deal with the sadness of this situation and move on now.

Unless you’ve created some drama that would make having you there really awkward then what she has done is really shitty op.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 13-Jul-20 11:47:28

I'd step down as MOH and not bother sending any more presents.

Chickychickydodah Mon 13-Jul-20 11:48:50

I would send her a message saying you are hurt and offended then move on. Real friends don’t treat people this way. Be around genuine people that care for you.

Sexnotgender Mon 13-Jul-20 11:49:58

That’s very unkind. I’m not surprised you’re upset.

TheGroak Mon 13-Jul-20 11:53:21

Time to step down as MOH OP. That’s just really hurtful but I’m not sure I could support my friend in marrying an abuser anyway tbh.

vikingwife Mon 13-Jul-20 11:55:17

As someone said above - this group of friends are a “different set” - it’s super high school cliquey to treat friends this way, especially when you have someone telling you they consider you their best friend - wouldn’t you want to integrate your best friend with your older circle of friends ? Why Keep them separated when you have a wedding to plan? It makes sense to try and create more closeness, than a divide.

MOH gets stuck with jobs like bridal showers etc and it’s lucky you have realised where you stand now, because you sound like the type who would have bent over backwards to help this friend & they didn’t even extend the holiday invite to include you.

You have been blessed to find this out now, still understandably hurts.

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