Talk

Advanced search

Not heard from SiL or BiL despite our DS being in ICU

(185 Posts)
Sausages83 Mon 13-Jul-20 06:27:52

We gave birth to our beautiful DS early last week and he went straight into ICU due to a difficult birth and needing constant monitoring. We haven't left his side- it's been a stressful, amazing ride so far full of happiness and worry. We left ICU last night and spend our first night home as a family- blissful. We haven't heard once from my DH's brother, or his wife, since the day I gave birth (received a congratulations message) . We have a family WhatsApp group (which includes DH's mother) where we have updated regularly with pictures and bits of info, including the amazing news we were finally discharged last night. Nothing from them. They are much younger than us, and two children of their own, once is only a few months old. So they're busy and I understand that. But I have been a constant support and source of love (for my SiL in particular, especially when the second was born), I checked in regularly, showed her how much I cared, always asked how she and her new arrival was. Every single update and picture they sent to the family WhatsApp, I acknowledged and responded to. So to hear nothing from them is hurtful and actually really p*sses me off. I messaged SiL this morning, a slightly curt message- 'hey, what's up? Me and DH not heard from you or BiL since day of birth- why?' AIBU to expect apology and explanation, and also AIBU to feel let down?

OP’s posts: |
Bmidreams Mon 13-Jul-20 06:29:49

It's shit and there's no excuse. Stop posting on the family group?

RedRumTheHorse Mon 13-Jul-20 06:31:53

Ignore them and concentrate on your son. Take help from the people who are freely giving it. When they bother to surface again then deal with them.

Coffeecak3 Mon 13-Jul-20 06:34:30

Enjoy your baby.
Don't let their thoughtlessness spoil these precious moments.
Congratulations.

Spinakker Mon 13-Jul-20 06:35:39

Yanbu but I think don't get into an argument with them now or you won't enjoy this precious time with your newborn.

Ignoble Mon 13-Jul-20 06:35:45

Congratulations on getting your baby home. Maybe they have their own stuff going on. Maybe they feel that as you’re updating a family WhatsApp group with regular information, they know what’s going on with your baby’s health and don’t want to take up your time with messaging when you’re worried and preoccupied. Maybe your continual messaging when their baby was new felt intrusive to them so they’re giving you space?

You’re obviously in a better position to know the likely reason.

Undervaluedandsad Mon 13-Jul-20 06:36:16

Perhaps they felt you were too busy to deal with questions and comments at the moment and were waiting for a more appropriate time. We all have different styles of communication. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

EnlightenedOwl Mon 13-Jul-20 06:37:45

Undervaluedandsad

Perhaps they felt you were too busy to deal with questions and comments at the moment and were waiting for a more appropriate time. We all have different styles of communication. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

I wondered this.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 13-Jul-20 06:39:28

You give love and support to give it, not to get it. Your style is to respond to every message. I would find this a bit much but I do have lovely family members who do that. Their style isn't. I'd focus on your own stuff and see how they are going forward.

THisbackwithavengeance Mon 13-Jul-20 06:39:40

Different strokes for different folks perhaps?

Maybe they know you are stressed/busy/overwhelmed and didn't want to add to the pressure of you having to text back/answer phone calls. When my DH was hospitalized I found it difficult to cope with the volume of messages and texts even though people meant well and were supportive. I couldn't find the mental energy to text back and hence often ignored messages so people probably thought I was ignoring them.

Alternatively, they are rude and don't give a shit?

positivepixie Mon 13-Jul-20 06:40:11

Congratulations OP! You’ll need all your emotional energy for your new baby and your own wellbeing so I would advise to try to let go of things you can’t control. YANBU to be upset, there’s no excuse but I wouldn’t have directly messaged her, leave it to DH to deal with his family.

DotDotDotty Mon 13-Jul-20 06:41:26

Undervaluedandsad

Perhaps they felt you were too busy to deal with questions and comments at the moment and were waiting for a more appropriate time. We all have different styles of communication. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

I thought this. They may feel you've got enough on your plate at the moment and not want to bother you... They are getting the updates on the WhatsApp group so know what's going on and may not wish to put further pressure on you.

Somethingorotherorother Mon 13-Jul-20 06:44:06

If you're frequently updating the group, maybe they think it's best to just let you do that at your own speed rather than bugging you?

I think you've overreacted here quite a bit. It's understandable perhaps, given your situation, but that message was unnecessarily pass ag.

Notajogger Mon 13-Jul-20 06:48:18

They are a bit rubbish, I would just ignore it for now and let DH deal with it later.
I've still not heard from my SIL since the birth of our DC 10 months ago - never even a "congrats" at the time - but then she is a selfish mare (and hates any attention being directed away from her own kids).

SonEtLumiere Mon 13-Jul-20 06:59:11

Undervaluedandsad

Perhaps they felt you were too busy to deal with questions and comments at the moment and were waiting for a more appropriate time. We all have different styles of communication. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

I also thought this, and also imagined you were so pleased to be home last night that you just wanted to enjoy it without interruptions.

I can’t see they’ve done anything wrong here at all, and the message was very cutting. Presumably her reply will be “because I thought my WhatsApp messages would be a lower priority than your child in ICU, seems I was wrong”.

Glad your child is home OP, it must have been very traumatic.

MaryRaddy Mon 13-Jul-20 06:59:39

Really rude and I don't buy the whole "they don't want to overwhelm you" reasoning at all. A short "hope everything is well today thinking of you x" takes seconds.
If she doesn't answer your text about whats up then I would perhaps ring. Or a private convo with your MIL might shed some light.
Otherwise just enjoy this time with your newborn!

user1493413286 Mon 13-Jul-20 07:03:00

I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time; I can understand why it hurts but if your relationship with them is normally good then it may be that they feel they don’t want to bother you and as they’re receiving updates they dont think they need to get in contact. I agree it’s not helpful but they may think they’re doing the right thing.

Mydogisthebestest Mon 13-Jul-20 07:04:48

Undervaluedandsad

Perhaps they felt you were too busy to deal with questions and comments at the moment and were waiting for a more appropriate time. We all have different styles of communication. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.

I think this too. I don’t always respond to every message in my family group chat - especially if there’s a lot of messages, I get overwhelmed. I’d be scared of saying the wrong thing too in a situation like yours and you do sound overwrought.

Also, for me, BIL and your DH are the main relationship - I’m just not close to my SILs. I’m close to my brothers, but not their wives. I’d be very anxious if one of their wives was messaging me all the time (we don’t have wives or partners in the family group chat only us siblings).

Congratulations on your baby and I hope you can relax now you’re home and enjoy newborn snuggles.

makingmammaries Mon 13-Jul-20 07:05:40

OP, to be honest your message to them sounds awfully needy, and that is always a turn-off. Why do you care so much what they are doing? It’s not even your brother.

Hercwasonaroll Mon 13-Jul-20 07:07:18

Have they replied?

It could be they are reading the messages and have nothing to add. If they've sent their best wishes there's not much else to say. Perhaps a message when you got home would have been nice but we all communicate differently.

Mydogisthebestest Mon 13-Jul-20 07:08:52

Also, you were discharged last night and by half 6 in the morning you’ve sent a snippy message.

I also think you should see if your hospital does post birth counselling, because things with your baby have been very difficult and I think you might be projecting your fear and worry over your baby onto your SIL and BIL as a distraction.

Congratulations again.

Sally872 Mon 13-Jul-20 07:11:55

I might not have text so i didn't bother you but I would have replied to every group chat message "thanks for update, glad he is improving" etc. They have been so rude/thoughtless/uncaring. I would be really upset.

TicketToTheWrongFilm Mon 13-Jul-20 07:16:24

I'm with those who say that they might just not want to give you any more to deal with.

It could be that they believe that you know that their support and love is implicit, and doesn't need to be reiterated every day. (I don't mean that rudely BTW).

You've been through the mill and you've just given birth - go easy on yourself, it's a really difficult time.

(I had similar when DD was born, with my group of 'friends', but in that case it turned out that they just didn't care. They're no longer friends. So I do have a small idea of what you're feeling.)

GaspingGekko Mon 13-Jul-20 07:18:42

I recently had a very close death in the family. It was an extremely difficult time made harder by the covid restrictions.
My DHs family were all in touch frequently, trying to call, sending messages. I hated it. I ignored most calls because I couldn't face talking, replying to each message made me break down in tears. I just wanted them to give me space.
They thought they were doing the best thing to show support but actually it was the worst way.
Unless there's some back story here I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt. They knew what was happening from the updates, they maybe felt it was best to give you space.

TBH I think your message was a bit aggressive.

Dowermouse Mon 13-Jul-20 07:21:22

Sounds like BIL's wife is neglecting her duty to 'wife work'.
Unsiprising really will a new born and another small child herself.
Give the woman a break. If your DH is pissed off that his brother isn't paying you all enough attention then let him speak to his brother.
Congratulations on your baby, I'm glad things have turned a corner and you're all home. May you have much joy.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in