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To feel a bit 'icky' after seeing partners internet history?

(219 Posts)
IfIWasAFlowerGrowingWildAndFre Sun 12-Jul-20 14:11:03

When using DPs phone yesterday I went to close some of the open pages on the internet and noticed one of them was porn. Now, I dont usually have an issue with porn, and whilst it's not something DP chooses to discuss with me, I am aware he watches it. The title of the particular video was something along the lines of 'dad watches daughter fuck stepmom'. Though I didnt look in depth I'm fairly certain it was more a role play scenario rather than incest, but given I am a 'stepmom' to his DD it feels pretty grim knowing he's getting off on that sort of thing.
A nosey through his internet history would suggest he watches that particular 'genre's often, and as I can see the times hes visited these sites, hes watching it whilst telling me he is going for a nap during the day (too tired to come to the park with me and DD, but not too tired for a wank),or late at night when he is downstairs 'relaxing' rather than coming to bed with me. He is often too tired for sex, and we dont have a great sex life anymore so it's a bit of a kick in the teeth.
Aibu to tell him what I've seen and that I'm uncomfortable with it?

OP’s posts: |
eatsleepread Sun 12-Jul-20 14:14:17

I'm a porn prude, although there's plenty on here who are fine with it.
I suspect it's the voyeurism aspect that appeals to him, but the genre is extremely icky and disgusting.
YANBU.

Gncq Sun 12-Jul-20 14:15:21

Oh that's really horrid, sorry.

If it were like, idk muscle man and Pamela Anderson lookalike, y'know something completely benign, I'd probably just laugh it off, but it's the fact it's almost like he's fantasising about you and his own daughter! I couldn't get past that it's too horrid.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 12-Jul-20 14:15:29

Grim.

Unfortunately it's a very common fantasy

Gncq Sun 12-Jul-20 14:17:49

he watches that particular 'genre's often

SmileEachDay Sun 12-Jul-20 14:17:53

Porn is an absolute deal breaker for me - i think it contributes to the abuse and degradation of women as a class, it’s often abuse and rape of the individual women and girls involved. It’s heavily linked to trafficking and other situations where women are prostituted.

The titles he’s picked suggest something about how he views women and girls and family relationships.

If he’s a heavy user there will be an impact on your sex life, it’s absolutely inevitable.

There will be 9million posts defending porn though.

passmethewineplease Sun 12-Jul-20 14:18:21

Is it @LaurieFairyCake?! envy NOT envy obviously.

YANBU OP.

QuacksInTheDark Sun 12-Jul-20 14:20:01

You need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker. Ultimately he won’t stop doing it even if he promises he will. Can you accept and live with that?

SittingAround1 Sun 12-Jul-20 14:21:23

I wouldn't like this at all. Especially as it has 'daughter' elements to it and he has a daughter. Just weird and creepy.
How old is his DD ?
I would end the relationship, especially as your sex life sounds unsatisfying as a result of his porn use.

Winterwoollies Sun 12-Jul-20 14:24:41

Ergh. I can deal with porn watching. It’s degrading, perpetuates abuse etc etc but men watch it and there’s not a lot I can do about that.

But that topic is troublesome to say the least...

eatsleepread Sun 12-Jul-20 14:25:40

I suspect he's able to compartmentalise the whole thing, and not see you and his daughter in that role.
If not, that is exceptionally worrying, and I would be out of there.
You need to talk to him.

Plumplumbadum Sun 12-Jul-20 14:25:56

I can only echo what SittingAround1 says.

Pinkdelight3 Sun 12-Jul-20 14:41:36

Those genres are massively popular and it's more about the forbidden nature of it being a turn-on than any desire to do it in real life for the vast majority of viewers. Often the same video will just be relabelled to be about step-sisters, best friend's moms, whatever popular search terms are. Personally I don't think you can police people's private fantasies and there's no accounting for what turns someone on, especially for a quick wank, which can again be very different to what they want in a partner. It's really best not to nosey, but seeing as you have and have a problem with it, you can have the discussion and decide if it's a dealbreaker. But you'd have to mean that as he's not likely to never look at it again.

rwalker Sun 12-Jul-20 14:48:38

porn is all about the visual and tbh doubt for you would genuinely think it's as the title described

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 12-Jul-20 14:49:26

Grim.

Neither is it a surprise that "He is often too tired for sex, and we dont have a great sex life anymore". Apparently there is a desensitising effect; a bit like drug users needing to take more to get the same effect. The 'lower dose' stimulation of an actual sex life isn't enough sad.

The particular type of porn he's using - <boak>. Every time he looked at me (now that I know about the porn) I'd be wondering if he's fantasising about me with his daughter. Double <boak>.

I don't think I could ever look at him again and not think 'scum'. SO - a definite dealbreaker for me.

missrks Sun 12-Jul-20 14:50:24

LOL. Ask him!

Potatoface12 Sun 12-Jul-20 14:50:54

I am going against the grain somewhat as I have watched and enjoyed porn in the past and have never really mind if partners used it. I have been scrolling sometimes and seen a video that I liked look of, but then noticed the title and couldn’t / wouldn’t click it because of a title like the one you mention. It’s a huge turn off for me and makes me feel quite ick. That said, I can sort of see how he could have clicked on a video he liked without reading title maybe?

God I’m no help at all. Basically, I think you need to talk to him. If you aren’t comfortable with porn, and def not with that genre (understandable!) then you need to have a conversation so you find out if you are on the same page flowers

Ijustwantedafringe36 Sun 12-Jul-20 14:52:16

Honestly OP you have to think about how the fantasy got there in the first place sad
I would either LTB or get him to sort out his (obvious) porn addiction.
Pathetic. flowers

Sunnydayshereatlast Sun 12-Jul-20 14:53:05

Not wanting sex in our relationship but preferring to wank to that fodder would make me Ltb..

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Sun 12-Jul-20 14:59:49

That would be a deal breaker for me, I don't care how popular it is incest is abhorrent.

Also why are you regularly parenting his DC during his contact time? Unless he works shifts or has health issues causing fatigue or is looking after a newborn he needs to pull his finger out, I suspect you don't have tip to indulge in a regular nap?

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon Sun 12-Jul-20 14:59:51

I think its really really grim. Its absolutely disgusting quite frankly to search that when you have a daughter and step mum set up at home. It is incest porn in 'disguise'

The problem is its so normalised that he probably hasnt even thought theres anything wrong with it. It is unfortunately a popular genre - its often in pornhubs list of top 10 searches.

Justaboy Sun 12-Jul-20 15:01:00

That uporn website is now full of "family matters" and the like its i reckon rather samey and boring and has lost its way to a very low common dominatorsad

Theres no classic erotic stuff around like there once used to be be!..

IfIWasAFlowerGrowingWildAndFre Sun 12-Jul-20 15:02:01

Porn its self isn't a deal breaker. It's what hes very specifically seeking out.
I've had another look (I'm always on his phone, and dont snoop sp hes still non the wiser to what I've seen), and I've looked back months through his search history along side the SD/SM role play, hes specifically seeking out videos featuring women who have the same attributes as his ex wife (divorced years before I came along). Think along the lines of 'red headed, Romanian with small breasts'... I don't share any of those physical features so he clearly has a type of woman he finds attractive and I'm not it.

OP’s posts: |
Chiochan Sun 12-Jul-20 15:02:38

How old is his daughter?
This would worry me a lot. Its fucking gross.
Also as someone has said you need to ask yourself if you can live with his 'tastes' and not much of a sex life, coz he aint gona change, its addictive and, if hes getting off to daddy/daughter sex when he has a duaghter in the house he has already disguarded his moral sense so basically its already too late.
Im sorry.

SmileEachDay Sun 12-Jul-20 15:06:35

That uporn website is now full of "family matters" and the like its i reckon rather samey and boring and has lost its way to a very low common dominatorsad

Theres no classic erotic stuff around like there once used to be be!.

I imagine you’re entirely desensitised Just.

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