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To need your help to stop being a doormat and get my money back from (cf?) friend

(147 Posts)
proudoneday Sat 11-Jul-20 22:35:22

Long story short...I had a really good friend when I was younger. She was always a bit funny about money but in her words had grown up poor and I hadn't and so I always put it down to that.

Anyway we lost touch for several years. Fast forward a decade and a bit and I got back in touch with her and we hit it off big time.

She is now married and living in enormous house with consultant doctor husband.

Me and DH we are doing ok, nothing flash but no money worries.

Anyway, friend and I decided on a trip to another European destination we'd live in in our 20s together. Was an emotional trip, bit difficult at times but great experience.

I booked flights, drove to hers then drove us both to airport and parked car there (90 min detour for me to pick her up but I didn't mind).

Booked hire car the other end, paid for an inn when we go there ( sounds cheap but was around 120 quid).

We parked in city centre carpark which was £££ but she said 'don't worry I'm prepared to throw money around for an easy life' but when we came to pay the charge the next day it was all on my account and she didn't offer money.

Didn't even buy me a coffee when were there.

Yes. I know I should have called her out on her cf ery but I just assumed when we got home she'd ask me how much half the trip cost...

Anyway. We got home and a week later she said 'I'm transferring you £100 for the holiday flights'

I said, actually the trip was more than that, just your flight cost more than 100 pounds..

She said 'I'll pay you the rest later"

She's never paid more and I stupidly (yes I know I have no backbone) didn't bring it up.

Anyway she's booked a weekend away for me and her on the coast and asked me for £75 for my half of the air b n b.

Ordinarily I'd pay it but our European trip cost me in the region of £700 and she gave me £100

OP’s posts: |
JammyHands Sat 11-Jul-20 22:38:34

Dear 'friend'

I'm a bit confused by your request because you still owe me about £600 for our trip to Europe. Please can you transfer that to me, then we'll be straight, and can talk about the cost of the Air BNB.

(that clear enough?)

Whoknowswhocares Sat 11-Jul-20 22:39:05

Well the obvious answer is to say exactly what you’ve put here....that she now only owes you £525 and you’d like her to pay it immediately

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Sat 11-Jul-20 22:40:39

You really should have demanded things be split down the middle at the time. Why were you paying for everything?

I wouldn't be going on another trip and would honestly tell her the reason is because I didn't want to be landed with paying for everything again.

proudoneday Sat 11-Jul-20 22:40:41

Thanks I appreciate responses.

Also it's just dawning on me that it's not the money that upsets me, it's that she hasn't treated me like a friend, has she?

OP’s posts: |
Greentrees33 Sat 11-Jul-20 22:41:21

I think you should tell her you’ll pay her after the trip, then go on said trip- get her to pay and then when she asks you for the money tell her since she hasn’t paid you back for previous trip that your now equal. Your other option is to ask her to pay for the previous trip now and if she refuses then that’s it. The friendship I suppose is naturally over,

Or 3, you can pay her £75 go on this holiday and continue life without ever bringing it up again.

Myneighboursnorlax Sat 11-Jul-20 22:41:35

I assume if the trip was £700 then it was actually £350 each, so she still owes you £250? Same as previous posters I’d just reply saying “can you take my half out of the £250 you still owe for the last trip?”

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Sat 11-Jul-20 22:42:33

You mean she still owes you £250 For her half of the £700, or she still owes you £600? Doesn't really matter either way, just curious as I took it the £700 was including your half.

proudoneday Sat 11-Jul-20 22:42:37

You really should have demanded things be split down the middle at the time. Why were you paying for everything?

I know sadI just genuinely trusted that we'd split the bill when I got home. She doesn't drive so car hire, airport parking, filling the car up all automatically fell to me.

I dunno how I got hoodwinked into the rest sad

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Sat 11-Jul-20 22:43:45

I think tell her something like“ I love spending time out with you but I’m a bit short right now. I’m super thankful that this is cheaper than our last outing though, you do realise your half of our other holiday was 700 quid! I kind of don’t want to call in that debt and offend you but can my 75 quid come off of the amount you owe me?”

lockdownparty Sat 11-Jul-20 22:43:53

I don't understand why you were paying for all of this with no discussion about the money or asking for half right away?!

Reply to her saying 'hahaha pull the other one, you still owe me £250 from the last trip'

proudoneday Sat 11-Jul-20 22:43:56

To clarify: trip in total was 700 for the two of us. So I've paid 600 and she's paid 100

OP’s posts: |
Pebblexox Sat 11-Jul-20 22:44:05

See I'm quite forgetful, so I often forget to send a couple quid over to a friend unless reminded. In the same way if they owe me I forget to ask for it, unless they remind.
However when we're in the 100s I ensure I send it straight away so I don't get the chance to forget.
If you're extremely close, just ask her to send you the money but take off the £75 for the trip she's booked. If she starts to act funny over your request then she isn't a good friend.

Whoknowswhocares Sat 11-Jul-20 22:44:52

If she kicks off then you know that
A. She is a massive CF
B. You don’t need to waste any more time on this ‘friend’

You have had to buy her friendship for years by the sound of it. Does she have any genuine redeeming qualities or is she purely the friend version of an escort service?

Ardessa Sat 11-Jul-20 22:47:06

Tell her to knock 75 off the 250 she owes you from the European trip which means she still owes you 175. If she gets funny then it wasn't a real friendship in the first place

proudoneday Sat 11-Jul-20 22:49:00

Argh thank you. All replies are welcome.

It's not about the money as my family can afford it (and so can she) it's about feeling screwed over.

And I'm looking back and seeing me buying her coffees and snacks when she 'felt faint' when we were there and it was all me looking after her.

I just thought we'd square it when we got home. I did. What a muppet I am.

OP’s posts: |
DisobedientHamster Sat 11-Jul-20 22:49:36


To clarify: trip in total was 700 for the two of us. So I've paid 600 and she's paid 100

Get this through your head right now: this is NOT a friend. Just NOT. 'X, you owe me £200 for the trip we took in Y. My details are as follows.'

And then let her go. She's not a friend.

proudoneday Sat 11-Jul-20 22:51:18


I feel quite gutted sad

And no, I don't have to buy friends usually. I have loads, none of them treat me like this..

Just this one there was so much shared history (it's very complicated) and I trusted her and let her back into my life

OP’s posts: |
DisobedientHamster Sat 11-Jul-20 22:51:28

Just STOP being a muppet, there's no other way than ripping off the plaster. 'Hi, X! I'm still due the £Y amount from our trip, I'm needing it back now. My details are Z'.

Honestly, just fuck this person off.

Janaih Sat 11-Jul-20 22:51:33

How long ago was the first trip?

proudoneday Sat 11-Jul-20 22:52:57

First trip was six months ago and I was still in the zone of believing that she was getting money together to pay me more.

OP’s posts: |
DisobedientHamster Sat 11-Jul-20 22:53:05



I feel quite gutted sad

And no, I don't have to buy friends usually. I have loads, none of them treat me like this..

Just this one there was so much shared history (it's very complicated) and I trusted her and let her back into my life

That was a mistake. Now get your money back and drop her.

1Morewineplease Sat 11-Jul-20 22:53:42

You really do need to remind her that she owes you.
Maybe tell her that , although you’d love to go , you’re short right now as you’re still waiting for the rest of the money from the holiday.
If I’m honest, even if you leave what she owes you to one side, you’ll probably still end up paying for entrance fees, lunches etc... if you did go.

Whoknowswhocares Sat 11-Jul-20 22:54:07

Aww sorry OP I didn’t mean I thought you had to buy friends generally blush

Just trying to get you angry enough at her for you to find that backbone you were looking for by pointing out what she was doing in a dramatic way.
Ditch her she’s not worth it, you sound lovely

proudoneday Sat 11-Jul-20 22:55:46

I'm just lost by the whole thing. She is very status driven, five year old D.C. in prestigious private school.

But wriggling out of squaring things with her bestie. Trip was pre covid before anyone asks. January. It's not that.

OP’s posts: |

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