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To be sad that I’ll never ever be able to wake up, look in the mirror...

(91 Posts)
AngryPancake Sat 11-Jul-20 21:51:09

And be happy with the reflection I see.

I’m 42, I’m morbidly obese. I don’t have scales but I’m about a size 16 (which I know is a “real” size 20) and at 5’9 I just look like a giant. I must be about 15/16 stone. After suffering from depression, anxiety and stress for so many years it all caught up with me. My last course of ADs has made me pile on weight and I barely recognise myself. I think I may have developed lipedema too as my legs have become alarmingly enormous. I’ve always been quite fat but now I barely recognise the monster looking back at me. I just hate my body. I thought I hated my body before but now I utterly despise it. I’ve tried my absolute hardest during lockdown to lose a bit of weight and I have lost some but it’s pointless really, as as even when I have the slightest slip up the weight literally piles back on so quickly. I’m so ashamed. I don’t own scales because I have literally spent the last 40 years obsessing over them. I’m absolutely crippled with fear at the thought of going back out and mixing with people again because of how ashamed I am about my body.

I know that there’s no escaping that society sees obese people as the scum of the earth, and it just worries me that I’m going to have to present myself to the world again as en even fatter version than I was a year ago.

My DH tells me I’m nice, but I hate him touching me.

So how can I accept myself? How can I be happy with my body when I know everyone else hates me for it?

OP’s posts: |
MissBaskinIfYoureNasty Sat 11-Jul-20 22:16:53

The thing is, your weight is at the center of your thinking because it's personal to you and the thing you're struggling with. Everyone else is dealing with their personal thoughts and struggles. You may think everyone hates you because of your weight but in reality, for the majority of people, they might notice your weight but its a fleeting observation. I doubt there is anyone that actively hates you simply because you're fat.
Forget about what anyone apart from you thinks of your body. It's difficult at the moment with Covid but you'd probably really benefit from some counselling to work on your self esteem. I firmly believe that people can't lose weight and maintain it unless they're feeling mentally strong and healthy about themselves. You need to feel that you are worth something.

YenniferOfVengeberg Sat 11-Jul-20 22:26:43

You need help for your mental health before thinking of tackling your weight.

Lockdownlooks Sat 11-Jul-20 22:39:47

I’m sorry you are going through this flowers
Remember that a great deal the weight gain is a side effect of medical treatment. The people who care about you will see past it. I had the same weight gain after AD and it was painful to see myself. You do have to try to ignore the few hurtful or thoughtless comments. I know it’s really hard. As far as looks PP is right most people may notice but are just as worried about their own problems, including their own body.

cardibach Sat 11-Jul-20 22:41:25

Size 16is unlikely to be morbidly obese.
It isn’t a ‘real’ anything but size 16 either. I have some very old clothes which date from times people insist had smaller sizes. They still fit me.

amusedtodeath1 Sat 11-Jul-20 22:47:22

Where did you get size 16 = a "real" 20? It's so not true. I'm a 16 moving into a 18 (lockdown weight gain) and whilst I'd like to be lighter I don't see my self as morbidly obese not even close. I was a size 22, years ago I'm definitely not that big now.

Your thinking is wrong here not your body. Talk to your GP please.flowers

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 11-Jul-20 22:51:10

You’re in a bad place. Are you having any support other than your current ADs?

Itsmeeloise Sat 11-Jul-20 22:51:41

You CAN pull yourself out of this negative way of thinking.
Please try hypnotherapy. There are several tracks you can listen to free on YouTube or apps you can download for a couple of quid. Play through headphones as you lie in bed tonight. Play again in the morning and then every day. This can boost your positivity pretty quickly.
It may be helpful to find a local hypno/CBT therapist but you can definitely make a start right NOW for free.

ChangeThePassword Sat 11-Jul-20 22:54:02

You are definitely not morbidly obese. I am significantly shorter, and was about that weight, and I didn't hit the morbidly obese category, so you definitely don't.

Blurpblorp Sat 11-Jul-20 22:56:18

Oh OP sorry you feel this way. Firstly cut yourself a lot of slack. Because of many reasons including the fact you need to talk kindly to yourself and not least of all because obsessing about food will intensify your hatred. Being slim doesn't equal being healthy. And being overweight doesn't necessarily mean you're unhealthy. But if you don't feel great at the size you are, know that you can do something about it. Small steps that are about celebrating yourself... Making healthy tasty foods because you deserve them. Dancing at home to upbeat music can be your exercise. Pampering yourself, whatever would feel nice for you. I'd also say start to surround yourself with body positive images. Curate yourself an Instagram feed that makes you feel good... Insta specifically as it's pictured. Look up Mollie Forbes, the Bodycons Podcast, Florence Given, the Anti Diet Riot Club, www.instagram.com/womenofillustration/

Know your worth. Change is possible, but you have to start from a positive place x

SparklingLime Sat 11-Jul-20 22:57:00

@AngryPancake, that sounds an absolutely overwhelming and awful way to be feeling.

I was over 15 stone at 5’7 in February so I can understand some of what you’re saying. But you are doing some very black and white thinking which will add to your pain. For example, “How can I be happy with my body when I know everyone else hates me for it?” It may feel like this right now, but objectively everyone else does not “hate“ your for your size. Most people won’t care, they’re not going to be that bothered, some may feel empathy as they know how hard it is to keep a healthy weight, and as you say your DH sees you positively. Also, if you are 5’9 and 16 stone then you are nowhere near morbidly obese. Your BMI would be just over 33, but to be morbidly obese you’d need a BMI of over 40. These dramatic and inaccurate beliefs may reflect how bad you feel right now, but they are really unhelpful in moving away from all this pain, and need to be challenged.

If you want to work on being more accepting of yourself, you could try Susie Orbach’s On Food or Beyond Chocolate (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Beyond-Chocolate-yo-yo-dieting-weight/dp/0749927089)

I found the very specific and research-based info on dietdoctor.com really helpful: www.dietdoctor.com/low-carb/benefits/how-to-lose-weight-with-low-carb

And working through one or more of the ‘Overcoming...’ series will help, whether you decide to try to lose weight or not:
www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Low-Self-Esteem-2nd-behavioural/dp/1472119290?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

All of these can be used without you having to leave your home, and may help to shift your perspective.

flowers

goose1964 Sat 11-Jul-20 22:59:32

I'm shorter than you (slightly) but I don't have much to lose before I'm only overweight and you're close to that than I am. To be honest it's your mental state that worries me, I've been there too. Please reach out to your GP , they'll probably refer you to counselling but can also prescribe anti depressants. I found that being on sertraline helped silence the you're not good enough thoughts. I also found the trigger for those thoughts which I have now dealt with.

You are not morbidly obese but you do sound depressed deal with the second then losing weight will be easier.

SparklingLime Sat 11-Jul-20 23:00:01

“My last course of ADs has made me pile on weight and I barely recognise myself. I think I may have developed lipedema too as my legs have become alarmingly enormous.“

These need discussing with your GP. Which AD are you on?

AngryPancake Sat 11-Jul-20 23:11:37

Thank you for your kind replies. I really am ok mental health wise at the moment. I do worry about relapsing and then of course going back into meds that cause me to grow even larger.

I’ve never really believed in hypnotherapy I don’t think it can work. I despise my body so much, that I know there’s no amount of hypnotherapy that will ever change that! It’s a lifelong thing but it’s so exhausting. I just want to know what it’s like to look in the mirror and feel amazing! It must be such an incredible feeling?

I’ve read loads Of things stating that vanity sizing is an issue and that most shops sell things that are 2 sizes different to what they are supposed to be and what they were 20 + years ago so that they can still sell clothes.

I can’t really afford to pay for any private treatment with counsellors or therapists! They are so privryz

OP’s posts: |
AngryPancake Sat 11-Jul-20 23:12:07

I was on Sertraline.

OP’s posts: |
Atthebottomofthegarden Sat 11-Jul-20 23:16:25

I am a size 16 and my BMI is about 29 - decidedly overweight, yes, but definitely not morbidly obese. And you’re 3 inches taller than me. I would probably be an 18 in some brands but certainly not a 20!

As PP have said, your thinking doesn’t add up, and please see your dr to change your ADs. I am on sertraline which suits me well enough.

SparklingLime Sat 11-Jul-20 23:21:18

AngryPancake

I was on Sertraline.

If you’re off it now, that won’t be holding you back weight-wise, so that’s good.

Do the comments about your inaccurate, unhelpful beliefs make sense to you?

ScrimpshawTheSecond Sat 11-Jul-20 23:24:23

Oh, dear, OP! I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place.

As others have said, it sounds highly unlikely you're morbidly obese, and your mental health seems more urgent than losing weight.

How much exercise do you do? Have you tried couch to 5k? I'm recommending it not for weight loss, but for a hugely effective and completely free way to improve your mental health. It's transformative, proven to help mental (and physical) health.

When I started, I couldn't go very far at all without being puffed out. To find myself slowly (oh very slowly!) get a little further, a little fitter, a little easier in my skin was amazing. The first 1km is always a bit of a struggle, but after that you settle into it and even start to enjoy it, and afterwards, I swear, it's the best feeling in the world.

Sports bra, trainers. That's all you need.

Worth a shot?

Lovingyou Sat 11-Jul-20 23:33:37

It's probably not nearly as bad as you think it is.
Depression just has that way of making you hate everything about yourself, even the things that are good.

Justaboy Sat 11-Jul-20 23:40:59

Madame!! with all due respect obese people are NOT the scum of the earth as you think!

Got that?

I reckon, so i must be right, that some excercise of some sort will do you a lot of good and its very helpfull for depression too.

Perhaps someone who can guide you in that respect will do you a lot of goodsmile Mind you i ought ot take me own advice as my weight is better expresed in fractions of a Tonne!! but there are some mobility reasons which will be soted ere long, but please try to seek out someone like a personal trainer who can, maybe also, good to advise on diet and the like but at the end of the s day some movement is the key!

Best of luck and determinationsmile

16943389ao Sat 11-Jul-20 23:41:42

Please be kind to yourself. It sounds like your self confidence is at rock bottom. Try and talk to yourself as you would to one of your best friends. It sounds like you’ve had a hard time of it recently and we are in the midst of a pandemic it’s no easy time and certainly isn’t a time to be expecting yourself to be doing amazing things with weight loss. What can you do right now to make yourself feel better when you come to leaving the house? Can you buy some new shoes, a pretty scarf, some new make up or purfume? Something that makes you feel worthy and brightens up your day. No one in real life will judge you as harshly as you are yourself. I can hugely recommend the kindness method and the last diet by Shazroo Izadi for helping to change your mindset and start treating yourself the way you deserve to be. Try treating yourself as you would at your ideal weight and start living the life you’d hope to live and slowly the changes will come. Sending you lots of love

GisAFag Sat 11-Jul-20 23:44:08

You need to deal with what's in your head. The way you see yourself isn't how others see you. Confidence is a massive positive trait. I wish you well

pollyglot Sat 11-Jul-20 23:46:43

I was where you are 3 years ago. On ADs, congenital heart issues, and my cardiologist sang the praises of keto. I lost almost 2 stone. OK, lockdown in our very remote area meant a lot of more carb-heavy food, and I have put some back on,. Now, however, I'm eating just two meals a day (10 am-breakfast, 4 pm, main meal), drinking loads of water, and it's falling off again. My friend was won over too, and she has lost lot of weight. I recommend HFLC absolutely, though of course you need to speak to your doc. All the best-I really feel for you.

Emeraldshamrock Sat 11-Jul-20 23:47:38

Calm down it is only a shell and changeable with the right support.
I obviously can't speak for society but I assure you I would never look at a person with disgust I'm not ignorant or stupid enough to think like that, I'm sorry you feel so trapped.

TheUnquestionedAnswer Sat 11-Jul-20 23:55:36

do you get time to exercise...walking is really good at shifting the weight. I sometimes walk 3 times a day and it keeps me from putting loads on.

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