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to think they think I'm gay?

(127 Posts)
ohgoshreally Fri 10-Jul-20 17:32:33

I am straight.

Apparently I have given off a gay vibe, but today when I asked someone out for coffee as a non committal event for the future, they said 'I'm sorry, I actually am straight.' This was a lady I met at an online networking event and we had so much in common and had great conversations.

Why would you jump to the conclusion that it's a date? I am really enthusiastic and engaging but don't feel this could be confused for flirting. I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

This is the first time this has happened but not the first time a professional women has acted weird when I invited them out for a coffee. I have picked up on another lady kept mentioning here husband after I asked her out for a coffee as if to make a point.

How can I ask another professional woman with similar intersets out for coffee without coming across as asking them on a date?

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Fri 10-Jul-20 17:38:18

Maybe it’s the way you are asking or what you are actually saying. Like referring to it as coffee and a natter is much less romantic sounding than an informal coffee meet.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Fri 10-Jul-20 17:41:25

What does a lesbian look like confused

If this has happened twice then it's the way you are asking. I've asked loads of women (and men actually) for coffee and not one has ever thought it was in a romantic way.

TheWernethWife Fri 10-Jul-20 17:46:55

Like me with short spiky hair or my bestie with long dark luscious locks. Both gay but different appearance.

AnnieMaul Fri 10-Jul-20 17:56:27

Is asking someone out for coffee a thing? I thought it was code for "lets go on a date"

It's possible i've been living under a rock, but perhaps these ladies thought the same.

Mumoblue Fri 10-Jul-20 18:00:10

If someone says to you "Sorry I'm straight", just reply "That's nice, so am I".

Maybe you're coming off as a bit too friendly? I don't know.
If it's the first time it happened I'd probably write it off as a fluke.

lockdownparty Fri 10-Jul-20 18:05:33

I think asking someone out for a coffee is usually code for going on a date op.

lockdownparty Fri 10-Jul-20 18:05:44

I think asking someone out for a coffee is usually code for going on a date op.

Magspy Fri 10-Jul-20 18:10:07

... today when I asked someone out for coffee as a non committal event for the future, they said 'I'm sorry, I actually am straight.' This was a lady...

Sorry, you say people think you are "gay" - therefore a same-sex-attracted man. But a "lady" doesn't want to have coffee with you because she is "straight?" Sounds like there is more to this than you are admitting here, and/or you're ham-fisting the terminology.

lockdownparty Fri 10-Jul-20 18:10:10

I think asking someone out for a coffee is usually code for going on a date op.

2bazookas Fri 10-Jul-20 18:13:18

Maybe it's something in your body language.

Do you stand too close? or make very intense eye contact? Touchy-feely?

Chickychoccyegg Fri 10-Jul-20 18:14:34

@magspy pretty obvious what the op means hmm

YouokHun Fri 10-Jul-20 18:16:24

What I don’t get about this scenario is if someone I know or suspect is gay says to me, “let’s go out for a coffee” why would I need to let them know that I’m straight at that point anyway? It’s like stupid hetero men who think all gay men are after them; no thought that gay men might be a lot more discerning!

Is saying “we should meet for a coffee [at some future date]” some sort of code for something? I’ve definitely implied more than I meant to all sorts of people in my time then grin

Nearlyalmost50 Fri 10-Jul-20 18:18:59

I do think the phrase 'would you like to go out for a coffee' sounds like a date. I would say something like 'perhaps we could do lunch to talk about the new project' or 'we should catch up over a coffee', any talk of 'going out' does sound like a date really. I don't even know why!

motherheroic Fri 10-Jul-20 18:19:33

Clearly it's the way you asked. Obviously didn't clarify that it's as friends.

Also there is no one way for a lesbian to look, so you're talking a bit of shit there.

TheSandman Fri 10-Jul-20 18:20:38

I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

WTF?

What DO you think Lesbians look like? Dungerees? Crewcuts? DocMartens and a rollup fag hanging out of their mouth?

I detect trollery.

GingerBeer19 Fri 10-Jul-20 18:23:02

@Magspy you are aware women can be gay, right?

bpirockin Fri 10-Jul-20 18:23:07

Asking someone for a coffee is code for a date? I get the old "Do you want to come in for a coffee/nightcap?" hints at something more if you've been out for an evening together, but jeez, why do things have to be so complicated? Is nothing straight forward and innocent any more?

backseatcookers Fri 10-Jul-20 18:23:32

I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian.

Bloody hell. I'm bi, what am I meant to look like? Maybe I should wear one heel and one doc marten. Shave half my head... what outdated nonsense to say you don't "look like a lesbian".

Can't you see that whatever the reason she thought you were gay it has no bearing on your life whatsoever?

It's really simple. She thought you were gay, you aren't.

You're acting like it's a massive insult. Is that how you feel?

backseatcookers Fri 10-Jul-20 18:24:37

Sorry, you say people think you are "gay" - therefore a same-sex-attracted man.

You don't know that lesbian women are also called gay @magspy?! Really?!

NameChange84 Fri 10-Jul-20 18:26:13

@Magspy where are you reading that the OP is a man?

Anyway OP, what would the harm have been in saying “erm...I’m straight too! I wasn’t asking you on a date, I thought we could have a nice chat and a catch up over coffee? Like friends do!”

I think I’ve given off the gay or bi vibe before too! And it’s not looks based, as people have already pointed out, you get straight “butch” girls and “lipstick lesbians”. I’m as girly as they come and straight but have found myself meeting new friends for coffee and discovering they were bi and thought I was too and thought we were on a date. Have also been propositioned by three different couples who all assumed I was bi. Over the years at some point a lot of people have assumed I’ve been in a relationship with female friends when we’ve shared a room on holiday or stayed over after a night out.

On the flip side, I’ve also had people thinking my male friends are boyfriends, I’m having affairs with people’s husbands and all sorts. I must just come across as a bit sexually liberal.

Which is hilarious considering I’m a very monogamous, chaste, straight, conservative with a small c Christian!

Maybe you are just really friendly, lively and affectionate?

Just let them know you are straight and don’t worry about it. It’s just a little mistake but no reason to take offence or question if you are giving off a vibe.

I tend to have a lot of men randomly shouting “I’m MARRIED” at me, when I just walk into a shop or am in the queue for petrol. I did feel very worried at one point and questioned what the heck I was doing wrong but now I just smile and say “how lovely, good for you!” confused

Sometimes other people make weird judgements.

Linning Fri 10-Jul-20 18:28:29

I am gay and my best friend identifies as straight yet, everyone assume she is the gay one, she literally have to turn women down and tell people she is straight because women get weird around her for the same reasons (she is femme too) and she finds it very frustrating. I understand why people assume she is gay (I did too at first sight, just an aura she seems to have) but I also understand why she finds it utterly frustrating when women act weird around her just because they have a made a false assumption about her sexuality.

I had a friend at uni who knew I was gay (and dating someone!) and she still felt the need to drop the fact she liked men in EVERY single sentence, like it was actually quite incredible how she managed to implement her sexuality in any topic just to make sure I knew she was straight. Infuriating. The assumption that a woman, even if gay, would be into you just because you are a woman.

Also, lot of gay women are feminine, usually people pick up on vibes rather than look.

How do you ask them out?

Personally I don’t necessarily make a difference in how I ask people out (friend-wise or dating-wise) and I let people assume whatever they want, if I want the people to know it’s a date, I will make sure they are aware.

Magspy Fri 10-Jul-20 18:30:47

Sorry, Chickychoccyegg: OP said: "I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian." I was wrong to question that; they probably look unmistakeably unlike "a lesbian" wink.

SpinningLikeATop Fri 10-Jul-20 18:37:00

I can't get past I also look feminine enough, don't feel I look like a lesbian

piscean10 Fri 10-Jul-20 18:37:19

could you ask a really close friend if they get a vibe?

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