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To leave DH with DD

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namechange0086 Fri 10-Jul-20 15:51:40

DD is 5 months old, she’s our first baby.

The love I feel for her is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but I’m struggling.

Since giving birth and the start of the pandemic, I’ve become an anxious mess.

Most days all I can think about is death.
I worry so much about death and I’m at the point of thinking, what is the point in life?

I feel like I’ve lost all motivation for living, because 1 there’s a pandemic and life will never be as it was, and 2 death is just awaiting us all.

I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel motivation for life.

I look at my beautiful baby and I feel so sad and guilty that she has me as her mum.
She should be my motivation, and she absolutely is, but I feel like every day I’m failing at being a mum and she would be better off if I weren’t in her life.

I’m too anxious to meet up with other mum friends because of Covid, and on top of that I’ve gained weight so I feel really uncomfortable about myself.
I was 12 stone before pregnancy so not exactly slim, but I am now 15stone 8!!!Nothing fits and I have zero motivation to lose weight because food is the one thing that I get comfort from. 😔

We spend our days at home or going for walks with very little interaction with other people.

We do online classes and I interact with my baby but I don’t feel like we’re doing enough.
I worry she’s bored or doesn’t have enough stimulation.

DH is at work and by the time he gets home I’m just a moaning mess because I’ve sat on my thoughts all day about how much I’m desperate to get back to normality but I lack any confidence / motivation to change.

Our friends have invited us round to their house next week.
I don’t want to go, but at the same time I’m screaming at myself to go.
I feel so terrible I just can’t, I won’t enjoy myself because Covid will just be on my mind!

I had dreams of taking my DD on holidays, swimming, Zoo’s trips to the beach with ice cream.
All of those seem impossible now, how can I go and enjoy that when I’ve got to constantly think about how close I am to people and if I’ve touched anything that’s contaminated with Covid!

It absolutely breaks my heart to think this and it’s so hard to write this down, but I’m considering leaving DH & DD because I can no longer put them thorough this misery.

I desperately don’t want DD to EVER EVER end up like me. But what hope does she have.

She's such a beautiful and happy baby and I want her to always stay that way.

DH is the total opposite to me and she will be so much better off with him, he will be a positive influence on her.

I love them both so so much but I can’t condemn them to my sad way of life.

I’ve spoken to my GP about how I feel and she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.

I know all of this sounds very pitiful and self wallowing, but I’m sat with uncontrollable tears as I write this. I feel so bad.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP’s posts: |
DoIneed1 Fri 10-Jul-20 15:54:10

Darling, you need help. Speak to your HV or GP.

smartiecake Fri 10-Jul-20 15:57:32

How recently did you speak to the GP? I think you need to speak to the GP or HV. You dont sound well and I think you may need some help. But this will pass, you wont feel like this forever

mylittlesandwich Fri 10-Jul-20 15:57:54

Please please please speak to your health visitor and GP again. You don't deserve to feel like this. It could well be PND. I had it after the DS was born 7 months ago. I needed medication and I feel like my old self now.

readingallday Fri 10-Jul-20 15:58:21

Hi OP, please speak with your doctor again or HV about how you're feeling.
Your DD and DH love you and need you there. Sounds like you just need a bit of help finding 'you' again, it happens to lots of us but there is light at the end of the tunnel. thanksthanks

mygrandchildrenrock Fri 10-Jul-20 15:58:42

flowers I know you’ve spoken to your GP but you need to speak to them again or write down what you have here and show them. Do you have a Health Visitor you can speak to?
You are not alone, it’s not just you that feels like this after having a baby but there really is help out there.

WorraLiberty Fri 10-Jul-20 16:01:02

You need to listen to your GP

Lockdownseperation Fri 10-Jul-20 16:02:05

Your depressed and you can get treatment for it. You are all your baby wants.

borntohula Fri 10-Jul-20 16:02:56

Ah sweetheart, you've had good advice already but I'd also say speak to your GP again, you could be depressed and they can help. Also, I can only imagine how difficult a time it's been to have a new baby.

Foldinthecheese Fri 10-Jul-20 16:03:33

Please speak to your GP again and do the counselling. I didn’t have these sorts of feeling after having children, but I did many years ago when I was depressed. I especially relate to that feeling that everything is pointless. But I promise it isn’t, and you absolutely can find joy in your life with your husband and daughter.

Thedogscollar Fri 10-Jul-20 16:05:15

OP like pp said please speak to your health visitor and GP and do try the councelling offered. Covid has a lot of us in a tail spin and it feels like nothing will ever be the same again. Maybe this is true but our new normality will just be a different way to what we were used to.

Your are all your baby needs. You say you are interacting with her and that is great to hear. She will not be bored with you at all. Please take up the offer of your friends invite, maybe you could even let your friend know how you are feeling. Reach out to your families they will want to help.

I would not leave your Dd or dh, for one where would you go? Please stay and get the help you need. It isn't always going to be like this it really isn't. flowers

NameChange84 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:06:15

Can you self refer to IAPT? With a bit of perspective, time and help, you will see that this current state is not the real you.

You do sound very, very depressed. Your body has gone through massive chemical hormonal changes. Please seek more help from your HV and GP. flowers

namechange0086 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:06:56

I haven't heard from our HV since she came right after DD was born.

Our last appointment was a telephone appointment and she cancelled.

I found it so hard speaking to the GP. But I did it.

I just genuinely don't see the point in counselling.
I've never had anything like that before but constantly thinking about death just makes me feel what's the point.

I genuinely don't know how I can live a happy life when ultimately I'm going to die anyway.

I know no one can make the decision for me, but I guess I just need someone to tell me it's the best decision to step away from poor DD. 😔

OP’s posts: |
Thepilotlightsgoneout Fri 10-Jul-20 16:06:57

You need to understand that you have an illness, depression/anxiety, that is making you see things this way. It’s not actually how things are. If you treat the illness, you will see everything differently.

NoParticularPattern Fri 10-Jul-20 16:07:12

I think you need to speak to your GP or HV again please just show them what you have written here and they will understand what’s happening. I think you probably need a little more help than counselling my love. Please remember that you won’t feel like this forever- you will come out the other side. But please please go back to your GP and show them what you’ve written here.

user135664323455 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:07:51

she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.

Counselling or CBT? Because if it's CBT then those thoughts right there are the exact point - it will help change them so that is not what you'll be thinking all the time.

TokyoSushi Fri 10-Jul-20 16:08:44

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, this sounds awful for you. Please contact your GP, today if you can before they close, you don't need to feel like this, there is help available.

Ukholidaysaregreat Fri 10-Jul-20 16:09:00

Speak to your GP again. Maybe a different one. Show them your post. I think you may need medication to help you get back to your old self. Your partner and daughter both want you in their lives. Good luck and I hope you are feeling better soon. flowers

namechange0086 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:09:27


*she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.*

Counselling or CBT? Because if it's CBT then those thoughts right there are the exact point - it will help change them so that is not what you'll be thinking all the time.

I'm not sure what CBT is. She just said counselling and gave me a number for self referral.

OP’s posts: |
user135664323455 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:10:02

I guess I just need someone to tell me it's the best decision to step away from poor DD

It's not though so nobody is going to tell you that.

user135664323455 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:11:18

Cognitive behavioural therapy.

Self referral from a GP is usually to the IAPT service which provides CBT.

NameChange84 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:13:05

No one is going to tell you is best for your DD to step away from her.

I’m still suffering at 36 from a parent making that decision. It’s very hard as a parent to see that a child growing up will take a lot of time and therapy to understand that it’s not THEIR fault but a parents choice to step away out of love. As a child you just never feel enough or good enough...even if your parent’s reason to step away was in their opinion to protect you.

Could you reframe it?

The point of counselling is to help your daughter have her mummy in her life the way both of you deserve?

Thinking of death constantly is one of the key symptoms of clinical depression. If you had a broken leg you wouldn’t accept being left to go untreated. Something is broken in your brain chemistry right now. Counselling and possibly medication would be the “cast” and “physio” needed to heal.

Scratchyback Fri 10-Jul-20 16:13:06

Hi @namechange0086 - big, deep breath. You can get through this. You’re done so much over the last few months... pregnancy, childbirth and rearing of a beautiful little girl who’s healthy and loves you. It’s just overwhelming you as it does with so many new (and not new) mums. But you can do this, you’ll just need a little help from the doc or health visitor. They will have seen your struggle loads of times before and will give you the support you need. Your hormones are probably out of whack and you’re tired. I so understand what you’re going through. What a know for a fact is that you care so much about your daughter and her needs, you’ll be a great mum and be exactly what she needs. Make an appointment with your GP and get the ball rolling. When you’re in a happier place the weight will drop off.

It will all be fine. Be kind to yourself.

IWantToBeAFairy Fri 10-Jul-20 16:13:32

You absolutely are good enough for DD and she needs you in her life. You're poorly my lovely and please try the counselling, if nothing else then it has got to be worth a try, you never know it may really help

Fatted Fri 10-Jul-20 16:16:09

You need to go back to the GP and ask for medication as a start. Then refer yourself for counseling or whatever it is the GP has offered. CBT gets you to look at and change your thinking/behaviour. Rather than just talking about your feelings, they will ask you to question yourself about why you have those feelings and challenge yourself to change them.

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