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How can I forgive MIL

(259 Posts)
Hocuspocusandfairies Fri 10-Jul-20 11:33:21

A few years ago I had a miscarriage. MIL said she'd come down and sit with my children whilst I went into hospital only she changed her mind at the last minute when my husband went to pick her up.

This resulted in me going into hospital on my own as my husband stayed with our children and things got pretty serious as I had a haemorrhage. Once in A&E the crash team were around me as a doctor manually removed one sac and when was more stable I was taken to theatre to have a D&C to remove the other sac.

After this MIL didn't get in touch for 5 months.

The issue I have now is my husband says he can't stay angry forever with his mom as she's his mom. This causes conflict with us as I feel so very hurt and alone by it all.

How do I stop this coming between my husband an I as I can't seem to let go of the anger and blame towards her

OP’s posts: |
LegitSnack Fri 10-Jul-20 11:35:33

Can he not see her without you being involved?

I wouldn't forgive her, and I'm usually one to let things go.

SleepingStandingUp Fri 10-Jul-20 11:37:46

I think to heal this you need an explanation, why didn't she come, why has she ignored you all for 5 months?
Is she reaching out now or is he wanting to?

Sally872 Fri 10-Jul-20 11:40:15

That is awful behaviour by his mum. It would be easier to cut her out but also unfair for dh if he wants relationship. Try forgiving her because you deserve the peace rather than she deserves forgiveness. Also try pitying her as it must be awful being so selfish and unreasonable. Lastly explain to husband you will be civil but nothing more and he can see mother routinely with children you will stick to larger celebrations such as Christmas and birthdays and will keep these occasions amicable for his sake.

Hocuspocusandfairies Fri 10-Jul-20 11:40:30

He could but he wants me to be on good terms with his mom and I just can't. I know 100% I'm being unreasonable here but I don't understand why he doesn't feel what I feel as was his babies too. She has never even mentioned it either or asked how I was. I know it's probably because I haven't dealt with my grief as I'd lost my mom 12 months before and since the miscarriage I haven't been able to conceive since.

OP’s posts: |
Wheresthebiffer2 Fri 10-Jul-20 11:40:46

You need to forgive her. She wasn't to know there would be dramatic and life-threatening complications with your miscarriage.

The reasons she changed her mind about babysitting your children that night - how many children do you have? Does she regularly watch them? Maybe she was anxious about the care she could offer them, for whatever reason - her own mental health, her physical health.

We cannot assume she deliberately planned circumstances whereby your husband would be unable to support you at the hospital. Nobody had any idea in advance how it would turn out. She probably feels terrible that you went through it alone.

I'm so sorry you had this experience, but I agree with your husband, you (both) must move on from this. It isn't about MIL, not really, but it is about the awfully sad miscarriage that you had, and the terrible frightening experience that happened to you. Which was nobody's fault, these things just happen.

iffymiffy Fri 10-Jul-20 11:41:34

I think you need to know why she changed her mind!

HollowTalk Fri 10-Jul-20 11:42:27

@Wheresthebiffer2 But that isn't true. Her MIL stayed away for several months. She knew she was wrong, but she couldn't come to see how the OP was and to apologise.

Hocuspocusandfairies Fri 10-Jul-20 11:43:08

She has had form in the past for behaviour like this such as promising to come down after my son was born and she didn't and let us know when I was in hospital after I'd had him but on this occasion I really thought she'd be there in an emergency as we had no one else. We've always been there for her.

OP’s posts: |
LagunaBubbles Fri 10-Jul-20 11:44:00

Have you all been able to sit down and talk about this? What was her reason for changing her mind about babysitting?

Hocuspocusandfairies Fri 10-Jul-20 11:44:36

It was my husband that got in touch with her after 5 months to thank her for sending my son's birthday card. He mentioned what happened but she went on to talk about something else

OP’s posts: |
KrisAkabusi Fri 10-Jul-20 11:45:38

What happened to you is very sad. But you don't know why she changed her mind. Or why she hasn't been in touch for months. Who knows, maybe she feels guilty. Or she knows how disappointed you are in her and doesn't want to face that.

But your husband is right. She is his mother and he has the right to see her and forgive her.

Wheresthebiffer2 Fri 10-Jul-20 11:46:21

Maybe MIL was feeling terrible that OP had to go through the experience alone. Maybe that is why she has not been in touch. There is no way that MIL could have known what was going to happen that night, she couldn't know the significance of not babysitting. (for which we don't know her reasons).

We can interpret her not getting in touch or asking how OP is, as her not caring, but perhaps she cares very much, is feeling awful how things turned out, but it wasn't her fault.

Knittedfairies Fri 10-Jul-20 11:46:56

Do you think it possible that she knows she was in the wrong, and is too stubborn to admit it?

Iwalkinmyclothing Fri 10-Jul-20 11:47:24

I wouldn't forgive her. It doesn't sound like she has ever apologised or acknowledged it? Why should you forgive her? Is she sorry? Does she recognise why you are so hurt and angry?

Your husband needs to work this out for himself. If he can find a way to have a relationship with her, fine, but he can't insist you do and he can't dictate how you feel about her.

Boulshired Fri 10-Jul-20 11:48:47

She hid for five months, she is not going to give you the answers you need. She probably hasn’t got the answers. You needs to work out what relationship with her will be tolerable. Can you be present and polite or will the hurt be too much? It might be best to begin with your DH starting a relationship alone and for you to take small steps.

MyOwnSummer Fri 10-Jul-20 11:48:48

It is very hard to forgive someone who is not sorry. I don't blame you at all OP, someone who did this to me would be dead to me forever. But then I am not the most forgiving of people.

Your husband can continue to see her if he wishes, that's up to him - but you don't have to have her in your life if you don't want to.

Disfordarkchocolate Fri 10-Jul-20 11:49:18

You are not being unreasonable and you don't have to forgive her. Why should you? Your husband can forgive her and have a relationship with her but as she has form for this sort of behaviour why should you?

To be honest I think you need to come to terms with the fact that she is an unpleasant and unsupportive person but forgiveness only means she will treat you badly again.

FetchezLaVache Fri 10-Jul-20 11:49:51

YANB in the slightest bit U. If she had a genuine reason for not helping you out, or simply hadn't realised how serious the situation was, wouldn't she have explained and apologised afterwards? Not simply ghost the lot of you and then change the subject when her son tried to discuss it.

I'd not want to have anything to do with her and I'd tell DH that he can see her on his own without me in future.

I'm so sorry for all you went through - MIL's crap must have made a hard time worse. flowers

Hocuspocusandfairies Fri 10-Jul-20 11:50:27

I just feel like I have no one to talk through my grief with. If my mom was alive then this wouldn't have happened and yes, as unreasonable as it is and I do accept it is I feel by my husband being ok with her is accepting her behaviour towards me. I know that's selfish to admit but I don't know how to deal with it and it comes between us

OP’s posts: |
Nottherealslimshady Fri 10-Jul-20 11:51:10

Fuck that. I would never forgive her. And I wouldn't want to hear a word about her from my husband. Does your husband know and understand what you went through? He stayed at home with the kids, he wasn't there. I'm so sorry you had to go through that at all and especially alone, I cant begin to imagine.

7yo7yo Fri 10-Jul-20 11:52:52

I would let your husband carry on but I wouldn’t have anything to do with her.
It’s not just the not looking after the kids, it’s the 5 months of ignoring.

ASandwichNamedKevin Fri 10-Jul-20 11:53:25

No way do you need to forgive her or see her again, you're not being unreasonable.
It doesn't matter if she was anxious about minding the children, she then went silent for 5 months.
I'd step in to help a neighbour in that situation never mind family.

Annoyed to see posters suggest OP needs to meet her MIL at celebrations thstcare supposed to be a happy time.
OP does not need to have her feelings quashed, her DH can see his mother but she certainly wouldn't be welcome in my home after that.
MIL is not welcome in our home (not the same kind of reasons but possibly easier for me as the decision came from DH).

Hocuspocusandfairies Fri 10-Jul-20 11:54:01

I know I need to let my husband get on with a relationship with her. It's the only thing that comes between us

OP’s posts: |
ohfourfoxache Fri 10-Jul-20 11:54:07

Forgiving her implies that she was apologetic in the first place

If there is no apology then it’s simply “letting it go”

In your situation I’d be willing to “let it go” but only as far as your own feelings are concerned. You don’t need to worry about shit like this, it’s not going to change anything and is just going to steal joy.

But would I have anything to do with her again? Not a fucking chance. And I certainly wouldn’t do anything else for her either.

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