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AIBU to be upset about my sisters reaction to my pregnancy?

(270 Posts)
helloiamnewhere Fri 10-Jul-20 11:14:34

Hello, my sister and I are very close in age and both recently got married to our long term partners. I have a young step son who's mother is not involved and he is my world, my sister and her partner do not yet have any children. My sister told me and our Mum she was pregnant late last year but unfortunately lost the baby at six weeks pregnant. This was very sad as she has always wanted to be a mother and has been grieving ever since. Shortly after she lost the baby I found out I was pregnant, I put off telling her for longer than I normally would have as I was worried about her reaction following their loss. When I told her she burst into tears and drove home and then didn't speak to me for two weeks (we normally speak daily). I was really upset about this but understood her reaction. I have put off celebrating my birth and doing some of the things I would have done because I want to be tactful to my sister. She started speaking to me again and tried to act happy for me but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week). I am so upset as I want my sister to be involved in the babies life. Obviously this is a very tough time for her as she has not been able to conceive following her miscarriage nine months ago. My mother is caught up in the middle of the situation and tensions are running high. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I keep reaching out to my sister but she said she is too upset to speak to me sad

OP’s posts: |
AryaStarkWolf Fri 10-Jul-20 11:17:48

While I understand that the news might have been upsetting for her she's gone too far and putting a real cloud over what should be a joyous time for your family. It's awful she had a miscarriage but you're pregnant with her niece or nephew, a new member of your family and she's being really shitty about it

MidnightCitrus Fri 10-Jul-20 11:19:50

Wow - this is massive for your sister, she should have a little baby in her arms, and she hasnt - she has an empty space there

I'm not sure if you have your baby yet, but either way, she's hurting watching you go through all the things, all the dreams she cant have - and has been unable to conceive

In the kindest of ways, you need to get over yourself - and realise that every time she sees you with your baby, it hurts! I was hurt seeing babies on the street, strangers with babies, when i had my miscarriage, let alone family/friends with babies that i was expected to coo over

AryaStarkWolf Fri 10-Jul-20 11:21:18

@MidnightCitrus Clearly you haven't even read the OP properly, she hasn't even given birth yet

MidnightCitrus Fri 10-Jul-20 11:22:34

AryaStarkWolf

*@MidnightCitrus* Clearly you haven't even read the OP properly, she hasn't even given birth yet

how can you tell?

but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week).

TitianaTitsling Fri 10-Jul-20 11:22:36

midnight I don't understand what you mean by op has to 'get over herself'?

LagunaBubbles Fri 10-Jul-20 11:22:47

In the kindest of ways, you need to get over yourself - and realise that every time she sees you with your baby, it hurts

I think it's clear the OP knows this, she siy da a kind and considerate sister. It is not the OPs fault her sister hasn't had a baby.

MidnightCitrus Fri 10-Jul-20 11:23:19

and clearly you have a better understanding about how people who have had miscarriages feel.....

7yo7yo Fri 10-Jul-20 11:23:28

I couldn’t have kids. I do now and they were IVF.
My friends, family and colleagues got pregnant and had children while I suffered loss after loss.
Inside it hurt but I didn’t let them see.
Yes you need to be sensitive (which you are being) but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate your child.
Is there anyone who could sensitively speak to her?

Nottherealslimshady Fri 10-Jul-20 11:24:20

Shes been really unfair and taken something very important from you. Obviously it would have been upsetting to lose a pregnancy but at 6 weeks pregnant she must have only just found out and would have been able to continue trying to conceive again. There may be more to it and shes had continuous fertility issues but I dont think it's fair that you've had to give up so much of something so important to you and your family. Honestly I'd just leave her to it and enjoy your pregnancy and baby as much as you can.

Idontgiveagriffindamn Fri 10-Jul-20 11:24:39

Just a thought but did you announce on social media around the time She was due to give birth?
When I had a miscarriage I thought I was over it but then around the due date I felt like I was grieving again.

LouiseTrees Fri 10-Jul-20 11:25:25

Give her her space. She will hopefully eventually come round. Pushing at her coming from you (the pregnant one) will just make things worse for her. It’s clear her miscarriage has hurt her and if she found it difficult to conceive in the first place then she may be in a deep depression and feeling like she’s lost her only chance at happiness. Your baby won’t know shes missing an aunties visits so at this stage that’s really about you feeling accepted. Do tell her via text that you love her, you’ll never understand her pain but you are there for her when she’s ready. Do not mention anything about the baby or reconciling before then in the text. If she comes back and says something like “ then why shove it my face” then you can kindly respond that you actually waited for her benefit but because people will actually see the baby when it arrives imminently you had to address that it was happening and was not meant to be gloating.

MidnightCitrus Fri 10-Jul-20 11:25:26

Sister is staying away, what else can she do - it hurts to see people pregnant when you have had a loss

AryaStarkWolf Fri 10-Jul-20 11:26:04

@MidnightCitrus I'm due in 3 weeks usually means the baby hasn't been born yet.

ErickBroch Fri 10-Jul-20 11:26:11

Some people are so selfish. I have been in your sisters position and I would never treat anyone the way she is treating her own sister. She is incredibly immature.

MidnightCitrus Fri 10-Jul-20 11:26:34

but then I announced by birth on social media at seven months and she has not spoken to me since (I am due in three week).

so what Birth was announced on SM?

mummypie17 Fri 10-Jul-20 11:27:05

DH and I have suffered from infertility and I've also had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I did struggle around my friends (although I never showed it) who were having babies so give it some time. Hopefully, when she is ready she'll reach out to you.

I had a friend who was going through IVF at the same time as me. Yet, whilst my cycle was successful, hers wasn't. She took some time out and now dotes on my ds

Brefugee Fri 10-Jul-20 11:28:40

Congrats on your pregnancy, OP.
Your sister is having a tough time - but many many of us went through this and have to somehow come to terms with seeing pregnant family, friends and complete strangers, so she's not BU to be upset.

You really ought to be enjoying your pregnancy and doing the things you want to do, though. And you sound kind so I'm sure you'll be keeping your sister's situation in mind.

bgmama Fri 10-Jul-20 11:28:47

I haven't had a miscarriage but I had a very traumatic TMFR at 19 weeks and I can understand your sister feeling hurt or jealous when someone announces a pregnancy. However, I would never have dreamt of behaving like she has to you. We don't have control over our feelings but we have control over our actions and sometimes you have to have a bit of self-discipline and make yourself be happy for other people, or at least appear happy. It's not your fault that she had a miscarriage.
In the kindest of ways, you need to get over yourself I think this should be said about her sister.

EssentialHummus Fri 10-Jul-20 11:28:57

Have you tried talking to her? Sitting down for a chat, asking her how she is feeling about it all? I am in your sister’s situation and am absolutely howling with sadness and grief as friend after friend announces a pregnancy. I’d suggest you encourage her to talk to you about how she is feeling. It’s hugely taboo to say “I’m sad and angry that you’re pregnant and will soon have a baby when I’m not” but she may need a forum to say it.

GrumpyHoonMain Fri 10-Jul-20 11:29:23

Let her come to terms with it in her own time. Forcing it may just drive her away.

phoenixrosehere Fri 10-Jul-20 11:30:41

Give her some time. She may come around after the baby is born. You said herself she is still struggling to conceive. You also have a stepchild so that might play into it. You have a step son and about to have a baby and she has none and struggling to have one. That has to be difficult for her to see and to be reminded every time she sees you. I can see your side but I can also see hers.

I have friends who have lost babies and struggled to conceive afterwards. Several still talk about their angels years later and some even after they were able to conceive and give birth. I can’t imagine what it’s like seeing that their other friends have gone on to have one or more.

Give her time.

Mintjulia Fri 10-Jul-20 11:30:46

Leave her alone and let her join in when she is ready.

Make sure she receives invitations to everything but perhaps via your mum.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Fri 10-Jul-20 11:30:46

Don't listen to MidnightCitrus OP, clearly haven't even read the op. We do know the op hasn't given birth yet Midnight, because she said she is due in 3 weeks. What is the OP supposed to do pretent she's not having a baby? Never mention a single thing about it, hide her bump and then what, give the baby away so her sister doesn't have to see her with a baby?
You have been very respectfully of your sister and her feelings. I wouldn't bother trying anymore if I was you.

helloiamnewhere Fri 10-Jul-20 11:31:08

Sorry I meant to put announced my pregnancy on social media, not birth, she was due to have her baby last week and me and my partner sent her some flowers. Haven't even received an acknowledgment that she has received them sad I am hoping that you are all right and she will reach out when she is ready. Just praying she has a happy and healthy pregnancy, want my sister to be happy and would love for us to raise our children together!

OP’s posts: |

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