This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Why am I getting the blame for their affair?(171 Posts)
Will try to keep this short. Last summer my close friend had an affair with a married man she works with. It lasted a few months and she told me about it at the time. I supported her emotionally whilst telling her that it was the wrong thing to be doing. During lockdown, the man has confessed to his wife and it has all come out. I know who this man and his wife are, but we are not friends. We do have a group of mutual female friends. Somehow they have found out that I knew and it seems that I’m getting the brunt of their anger. It seems that he is off the hook as men are easily led and my friend is off the hook because she is single and has MH issues. One woman went as far as to say that she now does not trust me round her husband! This has all kicked off over the group Whatspp chat. I thought I was being loyal to a friend - have I got this massively wrong?
You can't help what people tell you. For what it's worth, I would have supported my friend as well, no matter how much I disagreed with their behaviour.
I suppose the question is, are you interested in maintaining friendships with this group of woman ?
Don't think I'd want to be friends with people who are so stupid to be honest. Maybe this is your lucky escape from them.
Have they got crossed wires and think it wad you having an affair? Nit trusting you with her husband seems a ridiculous response otherwise, I dont really understand that.
I had similar in a previous relationship. My OH cheated on me with a sort of (not close) friend but we were all part of the same group. He was excused, as was she as she was single, but people were mad at me for staying with him and somehow I was the one ostracised? Some people deal with things weirdly.
The mutual friends are school mums who myself and friend know through our kids and who know the wife as they all have younger kids too. Ours are in High school now so I don’t need to be in the group any more, but I don’t want to leave as it looks like I’m agreeing with them that I was in the wrong (if that makes sense)
Yep- this is totally how this goes down. I sympathise, it’s apparently my fault my husband had an affair while I was grieving my mum on maternity leave. No one blames OW because she wasn’t in a relationship and ExH is such a committed Dad it must be my fault- oh and remember how angry I was when I found out? See, I must be a horrible person 🙄
I have no idea why cheating guys are gold plated in our society...
The wife is understandable angry but obviously a gentle little man can’t be responsible for where he puts his willy. Are you sure they don’t think you were having the affair? Relationships especially when people have affairs unsettles adults as they know it could happen to them.
I would be tempted to write a post saying - Yes, I was aware that x and y were having an affair. I told x that she should end it. They are both grown adults and they both made a decision to have sex with each other. I was particularly disappointed with man’s name as he decided to cheat on his wife. I’m not responsible for the actions of other adults. I feel all the comments aimed toward me are unjustified so I am leaving this group.
That's weird AF.
Tell them all to fuck off, the ruddy weirdos.
OP I was mad at one of the OW’s friends who was an acquaintance of mine as she provided them with an alibi and said she was with them one of the nights I suspected he was cheating. Unforts she left her night out in a diff city on her Facebook and I was amazed anyone would lie for them.
If you’ve lied for them that’s awful as the poor wife will be out of her mind and second guessing everything (but it doesn’t sound like you would have!)
Yes, they know it was her and not me. One woman did start on her but got shot down in flames by the rest due to the fact that my friend has been through some really tough times recently and has suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts. My husband suggested that I reply to the woman who won’t trust me round her husband with ‘don’t worry, he’s not my type’ but I don’t think that would help matters!
Did your friend have these mental health problems before the affair started?
I would genuinely say something like “so I f*cked him did I, by trying to not betray what a friend with mental health issues told me in confidence? It takes two to tango and I am neither of those two.” In all honesty don’t do that but I can see why you are angry, you’ve done nothing wrong, they have.
I guess part of the problem is by supporting her it appears to others as if you where condoning what was going on and covering it up which I can understand would hurt if you found out a friend had been knowledgable of their partners affair.
@Whitenoisefan I’d reply ‘sorry to hear that- I trust my husband around anyone’
I'd write this.
So according to everyone if a Married man has an affair, with a Single Parent then your blaming the friend who knew, not the Married man cheating on his wife.
What a strange world we are living today.
As others have said, we live in a bizarre world where nobody wants to blame the people having the affairs.
Makes it easier for the wife to take him back and maintain the delusion of “my husband would never do that, it’s obviously because (insert extenuating circumstance here)” so that hears can be buried in the sand and they can carry on ‘as they were’.
Lol’d at your DH’s suggestion. I’d probably do that too 😂
It sounds like she's probably decided to stay with her husband so is quite happy to push the 'poor man tripped and had sex' line because it means she doesn't have to deal with the issues of him betraying her.
Unless you've given them alibis or facilitated their cheating it has nothing to do with you. As we've seen on here everyone shoots the messenger who reveals an affair.
The fact that a group of mums think the two people having the affair are less to blame than someone who knew but stayed out of it makes me worry for the average intelligence of the group.
Just to be clear - I knew and supported her but we were not having cosy dinners with them and my husband and I didn’t lie to anyone or be an alibi. I don’t know the man and his wife well enough for any of that to be an issue.
My friend has had MH issues for some time now, since her partner left and probably before.
The only reason I can think of is because you and your friend discussed the affair and you allowed it to continue (don't know how you could have stopped it!!) they appear to think you condone/support affairs, they are now are suspicious of your moral compass and this has morphed into you being more likely to have an affair yourself.
Ask them and stand up for yourself.
I've experienced this, but when I was much younger, at university. Someone stole someone else's girlfriend and it was all very unpalatable. Because I counselled against that sort of behaviour, gently, and wouldn't declare out loud in the bar that I was very happy for the cheaters, I got the blame. This one very selfish pair ruined our whole friendship group. It never recovered, unfortunately.
Single mum's often get this. I've been told I don't get invited to dinner parties and pub nights in case I "decide to steal a husband" It's as if they forget they tell me how shit they are on a daily basis and the disgusting habits they have. Just because they are happy to settle with that doesn't mean I want their sloppy seconds! Baffling insecurities.
So they are laying off your friend due to her vulnerability, but you were supposed to betray her confidence - despite her vulnerability?
I would point this out, point out you were against the affair and urged that it stop - and that it wasnt you who targeted a vulnerable woman to be his side piece.
I would also say that you've never cheated on or with anyone and you have no issue trusting your own husband outside the home.
Then let the chips fall where they may.
My friend left the group when the affair was revealed so you may be right in what you say about redirecting their anger towards me.
They have spent the whole of lockdown slagging off both schools (High and Primary) and all teachers for setting too much/not enough work so I think they are just glad to have a new target.
Please login first.