TMI.. To not want to use condoms?

[Bonehilda]

First, my DP and I are in an exclusive relationship and STDs aren't a problem as we've been checked. We have an active sex life, but some things are starting to irk me.

I'm on the implant, one of the most effective forms of birth control out there. Even though I bleed like a bitch on it, I love the fact that me and DP could have sex without a condom. I really hate them, I feel like they are a physical barrier during a time that I feel is very intimate.
The problem is though, DP doesn't trust anything other than condoms, no matter what I say I can't convince him that my implant is very effective.
He has NEVER had sex without a condom either, with anyone at all, so he doesn't know how it feels without them. He also cannot ejaculate with it on, so every time we have sex, he needs to masterbate to finish off leaving me feeling unsatisfied and rather peeved off.

I'm starting to feel a little bit untrusted, unloved and unwanted due to all of these things. I want to be able to feel him, and him feel me, I want to have that ultimate intimacy and level of closeness.

Yabu- you're being a sensitive moo over this, shut up and get over it.
Yanbu- he is being wayyyy over paranoid.

Help!

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If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

[eurochick]

I think he's being very responsible - taking responsibility for contraception when many men are reluctant to do so.

[MakeItRain]

I think if you've both been checked for diseases and you're in a loving, exclusive relationship, then that sounds a bit strange on his part. What would he do of you decided to have children?

[Fifthtimelucky]

I agree with euro chick

[Reedwarbler]

Why don't you finish him off? I don't know the answer re condoms, but his sex life sounds a bit lonely.

[lyralalala]

How long have you been together?

[dontdisturbmenow]

This is how men end up under pressure. We always assume that it's men who don't want to wear condoms but this thread shows its not always the case.

Assuming that this decision is because of his fear of pregnancy? Sadly, with stories of women supposedly taking the best precautions or infertile falling accidently, men have no other choice but to wear condoms every time until they are ready if ever for a child.

I hope that won't be a deal breaker for you.

[PurpleFlower1983]

How long have you been together? You don’t sound too compatible in this area. He is being very responsible in his own way though, better than the other way around.

[Toilenstripes]

I honestly don’t understand how him protecting himself and being responsible for his own birth control could make you feel unloved and unwanted. This is one of those ‘compromise moments’ in your relationship.

[anicebag]

Do you think there’s more to this? Has he or someone close to him suffered a std or unwanted pregnancy? Is something else going on for him?

[TeddyIsaHe]

I think I’d find that tough as well. Dp and I use condoms atm because I can’t get my coil fitted (cheers covid!) and we both hate it. But needs must.

The wanking to finish would upset me as well I think, especially if it was every time. Can you sit down at a calm time, show him research and explain how it makes you feel?

[Fatted]

I know three people who have babies follow the implant failing/being put in wrong. So I can see where he is coming from TBH.

You can still have a loving and mutually fulfilling sex life without PIV you know. You just need to try different things together.

[eleventy3isthemagicnumber]

The wanking to finish is what would bother me. That's the biggest bar to intimacy. Is he scared of intimacy?

[Auntydarah]

Why do you feel unsatisfied? Are you enjoying it and having an orgasm before he does?

[TheLegendOfZelda]

The wanking to finish bit sounds annoying if it's every time
If you want kids with him, you'd want to check if he can come at all inside you
Otherwise it's his call on the pregnancy front

Is he a bit uptight anyway. How is he with blow jobs for instance?

[Bonehilda]

Oh don't get me wrong, I admire that he's taking responsibility and I feel horrible for feeling this way. If I wasn't on contraception then I would completely understand his view, and I do respect how he feels. But I would like to feel trusted and wish we could have what he hasn't had with anyone else.

He's not too keen on having kids which I'm okay with @MakeItRain. He's also told me the chances of him being able to have kids are pretty much non existent due to previous health issues.

[DinoGreen]

Could he be worried about premature ejaculation. I had a friend whose boyfriend always had to wear condoms because it made things just slightly less sensitive for him so he could last a bit longer. Though maybe not if your DP actually has to take it off to finish?!

[Crunchymum]

Does he just lay their and wank himself off after sex??

Many women don't orgasm from PIV and their partners find ways to help them achieve orgasm, so why can't you do that for your partner?

Agree that its does sound like a bit of an 'issue' for your DP but as issues go.......

Having kids could be a problem (or TTC could be eye opening for him!!)

[Watermelontea]

It’s probably a mixture of making absolute certain you don’t become pregnant, people do become pregnant on the implant, so he’s got his own line of defence.
However I also agree with PP who said it may be due to PE. I’d think especially as he’s never tried it without a condom, he’d be more worried and in his head about it now, can you maybe have a chat about it and talk through options? I think if you’re in a loving and committed relationship, it should be a pretty easy talk.

[Watermelontea]

Excuse how my post was worded, though I’m sure you get my point, I’m exhausted.

[dontdisturbmenow]

But I would like to feel trusted and wish we could have what he hasn't had with anyone else
But that's the problem, women who are desperate for a baby play the 'dont you trust me?' card. Broodiness is a very powerful feeling and sadly will make some women lose all sense of principle over her want for a child.

Trusting men have found themselves with a child they really didn't want and having to pay ££££s for 20 years for it.

[ScrapThatThen]

He doesn't want kids. I don't think it's because he doesn't trust you. He's just taking responsibility. It's also ok for you to want something differently and not be satisfied with this. But there probably isn't a compromise.

[Ragwort]

He sounds very responsible and you should respect his decision.

If a man said 'I don't like my partner using the coil as it interferes with my enjoyment' what do you think the comments would be?

[BuzzButterfly7]

Yanbu I wouldn't like this either.

[theendoftheworldasweknowit]

If you got pregnant, would you definitely have an abortion? If you can't say to yourself with certainty that you definitely would, you must be able to understand why he wants this additional form of protection.

I wonder if a friend of his has ended up being a reluctant father.

I think you're unreasonable to want to ditch the condoms if he is truly adamant he doesn't want to be a father, but finishing himself off sounds a bit grim. What does he think you're going to do, steal his sperm and inseminate yourself?

[Bonehilda]

We've been together a year. He is very good during sex, but when I get into it it stops so he can finish. And I can't help him finish as he won't let me, the most he let's me do is play with his balls! He also wont play with me while doing so and I'm left feeling frustrated after. Unsure if it's because of PE, but I wouldn't even know anyway.

We are very compatible in every other aspect of the relationship, just not on this. I would love to come to some kind of compromise, but every time I try and talk about it he just says he doesn't want kids. I already have my own and don't want anymore, and I've tried to reassure him so many times about that.