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Just had a huge row AIBU

(125 Posts)
StormyLovesOdd Thu 09-Jul-20 22:00:51

Trying to keep this vague as the details are very outing.

We currently rent and are in the mist of buying a much nicer but smaller house as a family. OH inherited a house and is selling it to fund us buying our new house.

OH (and his family) have always been hoarders, now OH is having to clear the inherited house of all his childhood things, everything is still there from when he was a child and he wants to keep loads of stuff from huge cuddly toys he had when he was 5 to guitars, amplifiers and a old car which is a wreak and not even usable as it's illegal to drive on the road.

Our new house has small bedrooms, no spare bedrooms, only a lounge and small kitchen. Small garden and no garage/shed/outside space.

Ive asked OH if he could get rid of most of it and just bring a few boxes of the stuff that means the most and put it in the loft as we don't have room. He wants to bring all the guitars, amplifier, etc, etc and dropped the bomb shell today that he's bringing the car too and putting it on the drive where it will sit and finish rotting to bits hmm cue a huge argument.

There's literally nowhere to put this stuff.

We can't afford a bigger house.

I'm so fed up of him, he's like a big stupid child, how can he not see this is ridiculous! Now he's sulking upstairs and I'm seething downstairs. I know it's hard letting go of stuff but we don't have room.

Is it me?

OP’s posts: |
StormyLovesOdd Thu 09-Jul-20 22:02:45

Sorry that was so long and it's posted twice confused

OP’s posts: |
Lonelylockdown22 Thu 09-Jul-20 22:04:47

If there really isn't room for it and he wants to keep it all then he'll have to find somewhere else to store it.

bettybluebees Thu 09-Jul-20 22:05:08

Maybe rent some storage space. I would hate to feel cluttered so yanbu

Aquamarine1029 Thu 09-Jul-20 22:05:26

You need to come to grips that your husband is also a hoarder. He was raised by hoarders and there is lots of evidence that this is a heredity disease, and one that is very, very difficult to "cure."

He needs help, but it's up to him to get it. I fear you have a massive problem before you.

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 09-Jul-20 22:06:58

If there literally isn't room for it in the new house then surely he has no choice: chuck it or rent storage space?

TheMandalorian Thu 09-Jul-20 22:07:47

Big yellow storage co. Or similar. He pays and not out of his budget for bills and family pot.

Mrsbclinton Thu 09-Jul-20 22:08:01

If its a case of him having to clear out his old childhood home (possibly after the recent death of a parent) & make decisions about keeping or getting rid of a whole pile of his possessions in one go I can understand why he may want to keep stuff.

Could you compromise and let him rent a storage unit & gradually over time he can fully decide what he would like to keep and the rest can be donated etc.

StormyLovesOdd Thu 09-Jul-20 22:08:33

He said everything in our home such as lamps, sofas, etc is mine so he should bring his stiff too angry

When we buy something big like a sofa we always go together but he's never very interested and just seems to go along with what I like

OP’s posts: |
Sally2791 Thu 09-Jul-20 22:09:07

I’m with him. Sentimental stuff is important.
Seems like you are not in tune with one another. Making a partner throw away significant stuff will cause problems between you. How about a conversation re how to make it work

Raella50 Thu 09-Jul-20 22:10:11

Ohhhh absolutely no way!!!! He needs to bin it. Hoarding is the worst!!!!!

Aquamarine1029 Thu 09-Jul-20 22:10:41

I'm sorry, but I strenuously disagree with some previous posters. Renting a storage unit will only exacerbate this problem, not solve it. How much money would you be willing to flush down the loo storing all of his useless junk?

MissHemsworth Thu 09-Jul-20 22:10:49

I feel your pain OP. My DH is a massive hoarder too. Our decent sized garage is choccablock with all of his shite.

Where exactly is he proposing he stores all of his stuff exactly? Can you maybe compromise by saying that yes he can bring his stuff as long as it's out of sight. He can keep the ancient car...as long as it's not on the driveway.

Surely he'll soon realise that a smaller property is not conducive to a load of unnecessary stuff.

StormyLovesOdd Thu 09-Jul-20 22:11:42

We don't have the money to rent storage. OH doesn't work and I'm not paying for it out of our family pot.

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Pinkandwhiteblossom Thu 09-Jul-20 22:12:13

Following as I’m really hoping someone has good advice for you. FIL recently died and DH is talking about bringing all his old fishing gear here. It’s still in his childhood bedroom. We’ve been together for 20 years and he has NEVER been fishing. He’s also threatening to bring his old rugby trophies, and display them. He’s gutted by the loss of his parent but seriously, I just can’t cope. We don’t have the space.

LittleDonk Thu 09-Jul-20 22:12:14

He doesn't work??

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Thu 09-Jul-20 22:12:45

Could he buy a big shed and stick most of it in there? I wouldn't be having all that stuff clustering up my house. He's lived without it for this long.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 09-Jul-20 22:13:01

Your husband doesn't work!? Why?

NotABeliever Thu 09-Jul-20 22:13:55

YANBU

Put your foot down and don't accept more than a few boxes. Paid storage also a bad idea: it's hideously expesive and he'll never let go of the stuff, it may even exacerbate the problem in the long term.

Only option I would offer him is to move the stuff to one of his relatives' if they're willing to have it for free.

Also, feel for you. It's a pain to live with someone with hoarding tendencies.

MitziK Thu 09-Jul-20 22:14:42

TheMandalorian

Big yellow storage co. Or similar. He pays and not out of his budget for bills and family pot.

He needs Big Yellow Storage? Needs a big yellow skip, more like.

picklemewalnuts Thu 09-Jul-20 22:14:45

Instead of tackling this head on, you need to be calm and non confrontational.

This is hugely emotional, and deeply seated tendency. He can't just rationally agree with you, it will take him a while to think through.

Ask him where he thinks they should go. Point out the children's rooms will be full with their things, and also that cuddly toys aren't safe because of fire ratings.

Ask how much it will cost to get the car delivered, and whether it's really what he wants. That it will make it harder to get in and out (garage?).

StormyLovesOdd Thu 09-Jul-20 22:14:46

He hasn't touched any of this stuff for 20+ years, just doesn't want to get rid. I've suggested a shed but the garden is really small so we'd only have room for a small shed and I don't think it would all fit.

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LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Thu 09-Jul-20 22:17:12

Is he your DH or your DP?

I assume he has inherited this house - not you jointly?

Depending on whether or not you are married and how long you have been together will affect how much input you should have on how he uses his inheritance (including what he chooses to put in the house he buys with it).

Hoarding is a quite serious psychological condition. And it definitely is passed down in families. Or can be. You need to engage in some deep thinking / discussions / planning before you move. It won’t get better after.

StormyLovesOdd Thu 09-Jul-20 22:18:41

Don't want to go into why he doesn't work as it's far too outing. Let's just say he has lots of issues.

I've tried to talk to him rationally and asked him where he's planning to put it all but he just shrugs and says he'll find somewhere. I know it'll end up stacked in our (small) bedroom if he brings it as there's no where else to put it

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youhave4substitutes Thu 09-Jul-20 22:19:04

You're not married are you by the sounds of it? So will this be his house? Risky when you are having problems before you move in.

And you are funding the day to day living? Why doesn't he work?

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