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To dislike my mum now I see her with my niece

(74 Posts)
Emilylouisex Thu 09-Jul-20 17:51:04

Hi,
I want to know if I’m being massively unreasonable here, I’m aware I might be. I unfortunately had recurrent miscarriages with my ex partner, during these miscarriages (5 in total) my mum was not there for me at all. She didn’t approve of the guy I was with etc but putting that aside honestly she couldn’t seem to care less when I was pregnant and I felt that she was glad when I lost them. She never supported me barely visited me in hospital and never spoke to me about it or asked if I was okay. Now, my sister has had her baby girl at the start of this year and and I couldn’t be more happy for her, but when I see my mum with the baby, I can’t help but feel a sense of anger -that sounds awful- but that she’s so happy with my sisters baby and cares so much but she didn’t care about mine at all and mine were just an inconvenience. It’s started to negatively impact my relationship with my mum because when I see her with the baby it really gets on my nerves, not because she shouldn’t be living with her granddaughter because of course she should! But just that my babies never got that same love from her, during my sisters pregnancy she was so supportive.
Any opinions appreciated xx

OP’s posts: |
Emilylouisex Thu 09-Jul-20 19:13:01

@Juliehooligan I may look into counselling it did help me but I feel like I might’ve stopped too early, plus I had other things going on that I spoke about so I didn’t fully focus on my loses. Xx

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Emilylouisex Thu 09-Jul-20 19:15:17

@jadealisha this is what I think about, if the day ever comes when I have my own children they’ll be second best in comparison. I’m really sorry your mother is like that, I would think with her own daughter she would be even closer to the kids not the opposite way round. Hope you’re okay that must be tough, have you ever spoke to her about it? 😘

OP’s posts: |
Emilylouisex Thu 09-Jul-20 19:19:10

@KetoWinnie
Yeah that would make sense she can be really awkward. But the thing is I actually walked into her house the other day and was was upset watching a baby documentary and she got upset when she saw a lady had a miscarriage but wasn’t the slightest bit bothered when it was her own daughter? Soo Confusing

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Greenmarmalade Thu 09-Jul-20 19:20:04

I’m sure I’d feel the same. I really feel for you.

Jeremyironsnothing Thu 09-Jul-20 19:21:30

Yes, this isn't about your miscarriages at all (obviously that pain is real though), it's to do with your relationship with your mother and feeling second best to your sister.
Perhaps counselling?

kayakingmum Thu 09-Jul-20 19:27:24

Maybe your mum is in a different phase of life now (therefore more baby focused). I would say my mum is more involved in my children (who are 1 and 3) than she was when my sister and brother had their babies with their partners 13 - 11 years ago.

Sarahlou252 Thu 09-Jul-20 19:28:44

Bless you that must seem really hard. I do think that people who have lost babies are much more empathetic towards others' loss.
I lost a baby 10 years ago, and luckily went on to have dd who is 9. When I mentioned to a close friend that I was considering telling dd about her sister, the look of discomfort on her face as she said 'oh no' really upset me, I think she was surprised I still even think about it, which I do, every day even now.
I think perhaps if your Mum has never experienced a miscarriage, she just will not link a lost baby with a living one and it possibly hasnt even crossed her mind how much of an impact your losses have had on you.

MachineBee Thu 09-Jul-20 19:30:54

I wonder if your mum has had a miscarriage if her own at some point and struggled to support you because it brought it all back for her?

jadealisha Thu 09-Jul-20 19:33:32

Emilylouisex

*@jadealisha* this is what I think about, if the day ever comes when I have my own children they’ll be second best in comparison. I’m really sorry your mother is like that, I would think with her own daughter she would be even closer to the kids not the opposite way round. Hope you’re okay that must be tough, have you ever spoke to her about it? 😘


Yes but she doesn't see it lol it's actually ridiculous. I'm 27 and my brother is 24 so I've been expressive how I feel to her in regards to how she treats us for 10 + years and she just gets defensive so there's literally no point anymore. I just my distance unfortunately, and her and my dad only live a 3 minute drive away lol

Phoenix21 Thu 09-Jul-20 19:34:31

Personally, I think regardless of how you feel about miscarriage or anything else that your child might experience, that you should comfort them if they are in pain? Ask them if they are ok? And I definitely wouldn’t be reluctant to visit them in hospital.

That’s just normal isn’t it?

I don’t think this is directly about the OPs niece to be honest.

Emilylouisex Thu 09-Jul-20 19:38:23

@MachineBee she’s not had any pregnancy loss or complications before as when I went to the recurrent miscarriage clinic I had a huge in depth form to fill out on family history so I had to ask her xx

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Phoenix21 Thu 09-Jul-20 19:39:42

OP I did speak to my mum. Not to get a response but to tell her how I felt about her behaviour over the past few years.

She didn’t say much, brushed under the carpet. Which was fine by me, I just needed her to know there is and was nothing she could say, I had no expectations.

We’ve come to a kind of unsaid agreement to be honest a bit more than civil but that’s because she adores my child and I’ll not deprive either of them that relationship.

Emilylouisex Thu 09-Jul-20 19:40:31

@jadealisha you’d think if it’s been going on over 10 years she would recognise it by now! So ridiculous that you’ve had to accept this sad such a shame but I’m sure you’re doing a fabulous job without her help, only 3 minutes? There’s no excuse for her to be the way she is 🤦🏻‍♀️

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NoProblem123 Thu 09-Jul-20 19:45:21

Do you think her dismissive attitude was her way of a) trying to help you cope and b) trying to distance herself from future hurt ?

The way she is with niece now might have been exactly how she’d have been with yours, given the chance flowers

AllWashedOut Thu 09-Jul-20 19:50:28

YANBU. She didn't show you the same care and attention as your sister. She didn't show you care or attention full stop. Regardless of who the father was, YOU are her daughter and YOU were carrying her grandchildren.

You have every right to feel sad, disappointed, angry and hurt at how she treated you. You need some time to feel that; allow yourself to acknowledge the emotions rising in you. I get the feeling you are trying not to feel that hurt. Don't be afraid of uncomfortable or even 'bad' emotions. Feel them, they are acceptable to feel. Once you have gone through that, perhaps you'll come back to the current situation with a different perspective. I wish you well.

Emilylouisex Thu 09-Jul-20 19:51:57

@NoProblem123 I’d like to think so flowers But because of her reaction when I was pregnant I would say she was just generally hoping I would get rid Unfortunately, which is a shame x

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Emilylouisex Thu 09-Jul-20 19:54:48

@AllWashedOut thank you ❤️ Yeah that’s how I feel, regardless if she liked him there was a bigger issue at hand and she just didn’t seem to care.❤️❤️

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AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken Thu 09-Jul-20 20:00:50

You’re not being unreasonable at all to feel hurt. Your mum is also not being unreasonable for being so in love with her new grand daughter.
I totally see both sides to this. I think the best thing you can do is to think of her reasons for why she was so cold to you during your pregnancies. You say she disproved of your relationship. This is just her being concerned about you having children with someone who isn’t the right person for you in the long haul. I’d hate to have to see my daughter go through the trauma of having a child with someone who it turned out was not the person for her. I’m not sure what her reason for the distrust was of course so I could be completely wrong.
She loves you too much to be happy to see you be hurt in that way.
Equally, those babies were your babies and you feel their loss. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out for you. I hope things get better soon xxx

Alongcameacat Thu 09-Jul-20 20:17:36

I'm sorry for your loss.

Do you generally have a good relationship with your mum?

I have a relative who I don't get on with. After my loss, this relative didn't acknowledge it. I met her a couple of months later and she kept talking about her new grandchild and repeatedly urged me to go and visit the child. I muttered not now and she kept questioning me 'why won't you go? What did that baby ever do to you' and so forth.
The woman lacks any sort of empathy which I already knew but it hurt so much at the time.
So depending on your relationship with your mother, you will know deep down if she means to hurt you deliberately or not.

puzzledpiece Thu 09-Jul-20 20:25:50

I think your mothers detachment was more to do with her disapproval of your partner, but she was unreasonable not to support you during the mcs

HeckyPeck Thu 09-Jul-20 20:30:25

Emilylouisex

*@Phoenix21* thank you for sharing your experience love ❤️ That must’ve been awful for you! Sending my love
And yes that’s more my point just that she was never supportive or asked if I was okay, and she rolls her eyes if she ever brings it up, like it was big inconvenience for her, I just don’t know how to address my feelings without it coming across angry or bitter

She rolls her eyes when you talk about it? What a bitch!

That’s a disgusting thing to do.

When you say she had cultural differences with your ex was it to do with race?

Melonslicexx Thu 09-Jul-20 21:44:07

My mum was never there for me with my pregnancies. She also can't emphasize with miscarriages under 4 months especially. She doesn't see it as a baby at that point. She also is very harsh towards people having photos of 5 month losses etc. She has four kids but all of us were mistakes. Although she looked after us. None of us were a result of a plan. Where as me I wanted my kids. I planned for them and I hoped every month I was pregnant.

When I was pregnant my mum didn't have much interest in investing in it. She didn't want to come to the scans or go shopping. Two things I'd love personally really want to be a part of in the future if my kids had kids.

My mum also didn't invest much time when my kids were born. She didn't make me tea or visit after the initial visit. She's just not natural with it.

Perhaps your mum's the same? It's really hurtful. You are hurt because you want your mum to listen and care. She should want to listen and care! She should be sad for you and the struggle you've had. That's what mums should do.

I guess when the actual baby is in the room it's something she can bond with/relate to. But it's bound to feel like a slap in the face. Ofcourse you are allowed to be happy for your sister but wish your baby was also in the room. It's definitely wasted energy though as people who are that way don't tend to change.

I really hope you have had support elsewear and I hope you get to be a mummy one day. X

Halestorm Thu 09-Jul-20 22:03:12

I had five Mc's also. The only thing that stopped me from going over the edge was that I had DS before all those losses.
DM literally has no idea how I felt during those times. Because as soon as she would ask me, she would interrupt me and talk about the three that she had for the umpteenth time. I don't think she even knows how many I had.
She would also tell the world about the early pregnancies and losses and fertility treatment by way of gossip so I'd get random relatives telling me I lost them because I didn't say the right novena and worse.
She was excited when I was pregnant but my sister got pregnant soon after DS was born so her focus went and has permanently stayed with DS and her kids. She absolutely gushes over them, whereas she's fairly indifferent to my DS. Luckily he had an awesome granny on the other side until a few months ago so he knows what a loving grandma is like.
I can't change DM. And her favouritism hurts but it hurts less now I know it is what it is and to expect it. That way it hurts less.

KatherineJaneway Fri 10-Jul-20 06:49:58

Yeah that’s how I feel, regardless if she liked him there was a bigger issue at hand and she just didn’t seem to care.❤️❤️

I don't think she was able to get past her dislike for your partner. Any child you were pregnant with was an extension of him. I suspect had you been partnered with someone she approved of, her actions would have been kinder. Some people simply switch off when you do things they don't approve of in life, if that situation changes, they become all sweetness and light.

Sorry for your losses flowers

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