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To have another baby to please dh

(282 Posts)
berryford Thu 09-Jul-20 10:57:58

So we already have 2 daughters who currently share a room 2 and 4 and I have a teenage son who has his own room (3 bed house) so we really don't have the space, plus we only have a small car and a relatively small lounge with a corner unit that just seats us all nicely, we also have a small dining table that really only seats 4 and an extra chair at a squeeze.
Dh would like a son of his own and has been begging and pleading with me but I don't want to, I have just got my body back to pre pregnancy after nearly 3 years.

I have told him how I feel but he gets upset and says he wants to try one last time for a boy as it means so much to him.

I just feel I'm done with having children and want to focus on the ones I've got, I'm also a SAHM so I would be the one looking after them and of course it could be another girl which I wouldn't mind but dh would be disappointed.

I know having another baby is the wrong choice for me and the only reason to is because he wants to so much and I am guilt ridden.

He seems to think we would manage, move, he'd work more hours and get a bigger car and every time I say no he gets so down and says it's his only chance to have a son and at 36 it is for me.

I just feel like if I don't he'll resent me forever and I will have to live with the guilt/regret.

OP’s posts: |
vodkaredbullgirl Thu 09-Jul-20 11:01:19

If you dont want another, dont have another just to please your partner.

TheBabyAteMyBrain Thu 09-Jul-20 11:02:44

And if you have a girl, what then? Will he resent the child for not having a penis and insist you keep trying? How many children would you be prepared to birth until he gets a boy?

HappyDinosaur Thu 09-Jul-20 11:02:45

He is being ridiculous, definitely do not have a baby for this reason alone. How sad that his girls and your boy are not enough.

haveyoutriedgoogle Thu 09-Jul-20 11:02:56

And what if it’s not a son of his own? Just keep having kids then?
Absolutely do not have another child you don’t want to satisfy this sexist.

wildcherries Thu 09-Jul-20 11:03:07

YABU to have a child to please someone else.

BoobsOnTheMoon Thu 09-Jul-20 11:03:18

Ummmmm

What if you have another girl? What then?

Don't have another baby "for" anyone, especially not for such an awful reason!

elenacampana Thu 09-Jul-20 11:04:35

Absolutely not. He’s got two girls and he should be damn grateful for them.

therewerefour Thu 09-Jul-20 11:04:40

Does he understand theres no guarantee that the next baby would be a boy? Would he want to keep having babies until he has a son?

I think hes being very selfish, a baby should be a joint decision as joint responsibility.

Modestandatinybitsexy Thu 09-Jul-20 11:05:54

He doesn't want another baby. He wants a boy. There's nothing he can do with a boy that he can't do with his daughters.

How much help would he be with a newborn? And if that newborn was another dd would that help still be forthcoming?

Laserbird16 Thu 09-Jul-20 11:06:45

You have rock solid arguments for not having another child.

Your DH needs a serious chat with himself. Why is he pressuring you to have a child you clearly don't want and would impact negatively on your current children. How will he feel if it's a girl?

Stay strong

SimonJT Thu 09-Jul-20 11:07:54

Why does he think having a boy would be any different to having a girl? The only thing a boy can do that a girl can’t is wee standing up.

If another baby is born and turns out to be a girl will he then insist on once again trying for a boy?

oblada Thu 09-Jul-20 11:08:21

I would give it some consideration if he wasn't so keen on a particular gender. You would be crazy to have another child in those circumstances. Have you discussed how he would feel if the next one was a girl? Also the probability of you having a girl is slightly higher given your age I believe (slight increase in probability of having a girl the older mum gets).

CanaryFish Thu 09-Jul-20 11:08:36

Work more hours so less time with the kids anyway ? Leaving you to carry all of that for a 3rd daughter he will be disappointed by ? No .

Monstamio Thu 09-Jul-20 11:08:37

This would be a mistake for so many reasons. How would a third daughter feel growing up knowing nobody really wanted her? And yes, at 36 you have plenty of time to try for a boy afterwards, so would your husband just want you to keep going?

Aside from that, you don't have the space, you want to get your body back and you don't want to have to take on the bulk of care for yet another child. All perfectly valid reasons.

Your husband needs to learn to appreciate the children he has.

Queenoftheashes Thu 09-Jul-20 11:09:13

Good grief don’t do it. He’s being a tool on several levels.

GlumyGloomer Thu 09-Jul-20 11:11:29

Wanting a specific sex is the wrong reason to try for another baby anyway. Why exactly does he want a son? Can he tell you exactly what he thinks he would get out of it that his daughters and step son can't provide? Carrying on the family name is a rubbish reason, after all girls are brought up with the expectation of not passing on their name at all, so men feeling entitled about the continuance of their name is pretty unfair.

berryford Thu 09-Jul-20 11:11:47

He says if it's a girl then that's fine it wasn't meant to be but he just wants to try one more time.
He works full time and does his fair share around the house and with dc.
He knows I don't want anymore but just pleads and pleads for one more try saying how much it means to him, I suppose I just came on here for clarity that he's being unreasonable and I shouldn't give in to please him.

OP’s posts: |
CatteStreet Thu 09-Jul-20 11:15:48

If you were to acquiesce and have a boy, your existing daughters would likely have to endure a lifetime of being ignored and made to feel second best by their father, and the boy would presumably either be treated like a prince and acquire a very unhealthy way of interacting with women and a very skewed sense of his own importance, or suffer in a different way with the expectations put on him by your dh.

If you were to have a girl, the poor thing would spend her life not being good enough, from birth. As presumably is the case, perhaps more subtly, for your existing daughters.

Do not, under any circumstances, agree to this. And tbh iiwy I would be asking him to do some serious reflecting on why a 'son of his own' is so important to him and possibly rethinking the relationship.

What kind of father is he to your daughters now?

Carandi Thu 09-Jul-20 11:18:28

No, I wouldn't do it. Aside from insinuating that his daughters aren't enough, I'd wonder how he'd be if you had a third girl. He seems so intent on having a son, would the disappointment be such that he resented the child? Would he also resent having to work extra hours etc to support another girl? He's telling you in effect that only a baby with a penis would be good enough, so given there's a 50% chance it won't have one, it's be a definite no from me.

Shoxfordian Thu 09-Jul-20 11:19:56

Of course he's being unreasonable. Why is he so focused on having a son? Sounds like he could be a bit sexist. Don't put your body through this again to please him

FizzyGreenWater Thu 09-Jul-20 11:20:30

No no no no no no no no.

YOU are done.

YOU don't want another one.

So that's that. It's even MORE the case that when it's the mother saying no more, then it's NO MORE - it's your body. It's your time which will change, as SAHM. YOU don't want to raise another baby and be set back another 4-5 years before you are 'independent' of babies.

It's the worst possible reason: a. it's more likely to be a girl, he has already produced (HE!! his sperm) two so the third is also likely to be b. it's the shittiest reason to have another as it raises the issue of will he either resent a girl or treat a boy like the Second Coming - answer - yes and yes! and...

c. you have a son already. No way would I facilitate this as it is 100% certain that your DH would treat them MASSIVELY differently. He is already having the experience of parenting a boy and having another male in the family, so what is his reasoning - just to have 'his own'. That would be it for me, no way on earth.

Carandi Thu 09-Jul-20 11:20:35

I could just imagine, with his attitude, he'll pressurise you to have an early scan to determine the sex and want to abort if it's a third DD.

thepeopleversuswork Thu 09-Jul-20 11:21:27

No. Don't have a baby you don't want to please someone else. Guilt is not a reason to do anything in a relationship, let alone bring a new human being into the world.

You will have to carry and give birth to this baby, not your DH, and I'm guessing you'll be doing the lion's share of the childcare, not him.

Plus as others have pointed out, it doesn't take a degree in advanced maths to work out that there's only a 50% chance the baby would actually be a boy.

I would be thinking very hard about remaining in a relationship with someone who was putting you under this kind of pressure to do something you don't want to do, to be honest.

Tinamou Thu 09-Jul-20 11:21:56

This is all wrong. Please, please don't have a baby you don't really want.

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