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Finally leaving cheating wife after 1 year

(75 Posts)
Jack1964 Thu 09-Jul-20 02:56:38

i all
I’ve posted on this board last year Re my wife having an emotional affair for 6 months with the intent on meeting up for sex when I was away, needless to say photos were swapped and the discussions were Xrated.
Anyway I was about to leave her and she begged me to stay and we would resolve everything through counseling.
I decided a few months ago that I will leave her as I find I really don’t love her anymore , yes due to the affairs and mostly because of her controlling nature and life with her hasn’t been the greatest.
My 2 boys are grown up so I have no guilt about leaving them.
I have rented an Apartment , deposit and month of Aug paid upfront, I won’t move in until Sept when my youngest boy goes back to Uni for is final year.
But yes I’m definitely moving out.
Here is the burning question , what do I say to her on the day I go, how would you go about leaving?
Ps we do share a very successful business together

OP’s posts: |
Jullyria Thu 09-Jul-20 03:04:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ponoka7 Thu 09-Jul-20 03:08:06

Have you worked out how your business relationship will continue and put any necessary legal safeguards in place, separated bank accounts etc?

Is she going to rely on your Son for support? If so, it might be better to tell her before he leaves. He doesn't need this right on the start of a new term.

DevilsSpawn Thu 09-Jul-20 14:36:29

You need to tell her now. Agree your son wont benefit from you dropping the bomb right as his third years is starting!!!! At least on holiday he has time to process it!!

AryaStarkWolf Thu 09-Jul-20 14:43:42

I guess if you want to continue with her in Business you will have to try to make it as amicable as possible.

George441 Thu 09-Jul-20 15:01:17

Did you know that it can have a detrimental effect on your children?

AryaStarkWolf Thu 09-Jul-20 15:02:50

Did you know that it can have a detrimental effect on your children?

His "children" are adults. Are you suggesting he stays with a woman who has cheated on him forever?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Thu 09-Jul-20 15:06:46

George441

Did you know that it can have a detrimental effect on your children?

So you expect a spouse to stay with their cheating partner forever do you? The children are adults, but even if they weren't people can leave marriages when they aren't happy, especially when they've been cheated on.

Fanthorpe Thu 09-Jul-20 15:07:05

It sounds like you’re punishing her for what she’s done and I’m not surprised you’re hurt and upset but I’d recommend behaving as honestly and fairly as possible in the interests of your children. Young people of this age are really vulnerable, they need to feel they have a secure base to launch from. Please consider if there’s a way you can behave decently, it sets such a good example.

I’m sorry your wife betrayed your trust. I hope your business can survive the big changes that are coming.

George441 Thu 09-Jul-20 15:07:45

Of course not. Such women should be punished but through compromise.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Thu 09-Jul-20 15:10:30

George441

Of course not. Such women should be punished but through compromise.

What compromise?

I’d recommend behaving as honestly and fairly as possible in the interests of your children.

It's not the op who cheated though. What is he doing that isn't honest or fair? He didn't have an affair, his wife did. If anyone's to blame for any upset it's the person who cheated.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 09-Jul-20 15:11:08

Such women should be punished but through compromise.

What on Earth does that mean?

AryaStarkWolf Thu 09-Jul-20 15:12:23

I know the wife was in the wrong but "Such women should be punished" makes me feel really uneasy and a bit grossed out

*Obviously not directed at you OP

TrickyD Thu 09-Jul-20 15:12:32

His "children" are adults. Are you suggesting he stays with a woman who has cheated on him forever?

Are we assuming. the OP is a man?

EdinaMonsoon Thu 09-Jul-20 15:14:02

OP if you are so unhappy then it makes absolute sense for you to leave. It sounds like you were dealing with a lot and I know that I certainly would't be able to move on and forgive what you've described.

Does your wife know you are intending to leave?

I know you say you feel no guilt about leaving your sons but you do realise that this will have an impact on them, right? Even if they are relieved that you are separating (assuming that there has been tension in the home), they will still experience some form of grieving process and it will be an upheaval for them. They will have to get used to their parents being in two separate homes and that may cause conflict for them - making them worry about dividing loyalties etc. What's your relationship like with them? I do agree with PP who say that it's not fair to spring this on your youngest when he leaves for uni - especially his final year.

It's also possible that your wife will expect or turn to them for emotional support from them. You mention that she is controlling: Is she controlling of them too? If she is, then it is very likely that the controlling behaviour may intensify as she struggles to feel in control of her life generally. You need to ensure that your sons are at the forefront of your priorities in terms of giving them the support they will need.

WRT to the business: you need legal advice on how that can work going forward. Do you work together on a daily basis? How do you see that working? particularly in the immediate aftermath of your leaving the home? How might that impact on your colleagues/employees?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras Thu 09-Jul-20 15:14:15

TrickyD

*His "children" are adults. Are you suggesting he stays with a woman who has cheated on him forever?*

Are we assuming. the OP is a man?

I am, given their name.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 09-Jul-20 15:14:40

Well his username is Jack?

Longingtolearn Thu 09-Jul-20 15:16:28

@TrickyD educated assumption.

Username

Previous posting history with pronouns.

Etc etc

George441 Thu 09-Jul-20 15:17:11

grinhalo

ZombieLizzieBennet Thu 09-Jul-20 15:30:27

I'd agree it would be better for your son to have time to process this news before going back, instead of the bombshell being dropped right at the start of his third year. Better to go in August, if the flat will be available then anyway.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 09-Jul-20 15:36:46

How do you go about it?
Calmly, that's how.
Telling her how you feel now, that you no longer trust or love her in the same way and you no longer wish to be married to her.
No bitterness, no recriminations - just be calm and clear that this is what you want now.

If she cries, begs you to stay, begs you to reconsider - then you say you have tried to get past it but you just can't, and it's now fairest on both of you to go your separate ways.

Keep it civil so that you can both walk away with your heads held up, and your boys don't feel like their parents are at war with each other.

You might want to work out how to separate the business, unless you think that you can continue to work as business partners afterwards? It seems unlikely, so I would have a plan as to how you deal with that before you tell her and your sons.

Have paperwork for the business ready drawn up to be signed, but give her time to go through it.

And tell your son before he goes back to university so he has time to process the huge rift in his world while still at home.

TrickyD Thu 09-Jul-20 15:41:05

longingtolearn , I don’t think posters’ usernames necessarily reflect their gender.

I checked with advanced search for clues but couldn’t see any previous posts.

Etc etc - What does that refer to?

BigSpringy Thu 09-Jul-20 15:44:06

It's not the op who cheated though. What is he doing that isn't honest or fair? He didn't have an affair, his wife did. If anyone's to blame for any upset it's the person who cheated.

I don't think anyone suggested he wasn't being. He asked how to handle the split, this poster suggested doing so honestly and fairly for the benefit of their children - because this will make a tangible difference to how easily they can process the split.

BigSpringy Thu 09-Jul-20 15:44:33

And yes to telling your son before he goes back to uni, OP.

kazzer2867 Thu 09-Jul-20 15:44:41

@George441

Of course not. Such women should be punished but through compromise.

I see someone asked what this means, but it hasn't been answered. I'd like to know what this means.

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