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Free for all after a death.

(145 Posts)
slightlyoutting Thu 09-Jul-20 01:06:50

Backstory: I've inherited my grandparents house after looking after them for quite a few years and without sounding insensitive it's also my home as i've lived here for a couple of years too. My cousins have very rarely 'visited', with most holidays it's rare, and even rarer if it's not around Christmas/birthdays.

My Grandma died last winter, and my Grandad died a couple of months ago. My Grandparents wrote a will, the contents of the house goes to me and I was told to sort it all out myself - my grandad wants some of the boys to get his old tools and that's all i've got to go off.

One cousin said she's coming over next week 'to help me sort out the house'. I don't feel like I need help sorting it out as I had no intention of doing it next week, and she didn't bother helping out/visiting at all when they were alive. I hate the idea of the house becoming somewhat of a jumble sale with people rooting around to decide what they want. If she was just to ask for necklace, coffee set, Cliff Richard CD collection and the large wedding photo I would be fine and probably bag it up for her.

I've heard from another family member that (jumble) cousin isn't happy and feels like i'm blocking her out of her grandparents house and I shouldn't be greedy.

AIBU? And what's the best way to organise this? I've already split the jewellery and photos, and a few knick knacks people have asked for have been given out.

OP’s posts: |
BitOfFun Thu 09-Jul-20 01:12:10

So you've inherited the house and the contents? Tell her to piss off.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 09-Jul-20 01:15:19

You've inherited the house as well? Tell your greedy cousin to fuck off.

ladybirdsarelovely33 Thu 09-Jul-20 01:20:18

It is not convenient for her to visit and you will send what you have bagged up to her.
Dont let her in

Purpleartichoke Thu 09-Jul-20 01:20:34

Tell them you will be going through the house slowly. If they have particular items
They would like, they can ask (and you can decide if you will honor). Then for the miscellaneous contents, you promise not to dispose of anything you recognize as sentimental without offering it up to the group.

mellowgreenspring Thu 09-Jul-20 01:20:56

The house doesn't need "sorting out" I assume as you live there it's only a matter of working out the grandparents belongings?

Tell jumble to fuck off.

And in the meantime take a deep breath and look after yourself that's a huge adjustment to make having been a carer and looking after them both. So sorry for your loss and look after yourself and stay strong, you are grieving sounds like these people aren't and they may take advantage of you.

giantangryrooster Thu 09-Jul-20 01:26:42

Agree with pp, but I sense you want to divide things to keep everything amicable? Don't do it. Give away what you want to and nothing more. They won't thank you, they will always want more and you won't get more of a relationship, than you already have, whatever you do.

Sorry for your loss, strange how people stay away and then turn up when inheritance appears.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite Thu 09-Jul-20 01:32:35

If I were you I would just tell my cousin that I don't need any help sorting out my house and don't to intend to do it next week. I would thank her for her offer of help and say I will let her know if I do need to take her up in the offer.

What I would do asap is sort out the tools and make an inventory of them. I would then send it out to 'the boys' asking them to indicate what they would like. Where only one wants an item, they can have it. Where more than one wants an item, you need to come up with an fair way of distributing them.

SeaToSki Thu 09-Jul-20 01:33:00

I would say you are still deeply in grief and dont want anything much moved around yet.
Ask her to write you a list of anything she sets particular store by and would be a nice memento of all the times she spent with her grandparents!,! And when you feel able you will start to sort stuff out, but you dont know how many months it will take for you to feel up to it

catfeets Thu 09-Jul-20 01:36:22

Agree totally with @giantangryrooster. No matter what you give, it won't be enough for them.

LinoVentura Thu 09-Jul-20 01:44:26

One cousin said she's coming over next week 'to help me sort out the house'.

Personally my first step would be to push them on this - what exactly do they think needs sorting out? If the answer is generic/vague (which it probably will be) I would keep asking them to clarify exactly what they are planning to do.

Incidentally I'm going to PM you about the Cliff Richard CDs.

1forAll74 Thu 09-Jul-20 01:46:13

You must deal with all this yourself, and tell the cousin interloper to stay away.And you should be quite firm,even though this person might just barge in so to speak.

This kind of thing so often happens after deaths in a family, as in people wanting things that they never had before, but think that they need now.

Destroyedpeople Thu 09-Jul-20 01:46:50

Pfff tell Mrs. Jumble ever so politely to do one . It's YOUR house and its contents are also yours. .....

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 09-Jul-20 01:56:37

Don’t do what makes the cousin happy. Do what makes you happy. I presume you’ve also inherited the house. It’s your home and your belongings now. Very gracious of you to give away bits. This is exactly what my aunt did for me and other family members when my grandma died. I was very touched.

TheresABearInThere Thu 09-Jul-20 02:03:16

Hmmm, I’d probably want more backstory before having an opinion about this, inheritances bring out the worst in people.

So you’ve inherited the house and everything after looking after them for “quite a few years“. And you lived there too for “a couple of years”.

So potentially you could have run after them on a daily basis for 15 years, taking them to medical appointments, getting groceries, helping them with paperwork ie arranging bills be paid, providing companionship. And your cousins who live 20 mins drive away pop over a couple of times a year and that’s it. You moved in with them 2 years ago and made sure you contributed financially to the household too so you weren’t taking advantage.

Or potentially your cousins live 5 hours drive away, can only visit twice a year because it is a long drive and they have their own families and lives. And when they turn up, grandma/grandad want to talk endlessly about @slightlyoutting and nothing else. And after the odd visit each month for 10 years @slightlyoutting moved in with them rent free a couple of years ago, didn’t pay for anything and basically bludged and freeloaded and used their funds to pay for the household groceries. And discussed your hard up financial situation now and then which had the fortunate result of them writing a will and leaving it all to you.

So I don’t know if YABU or YANBU.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback Thu 09-Jul-20 02:17:41

So you are already living in the house, and now are full owner?

No way does she need to come over and rifle through the house contents. She can get stuffed.

In situations like these I think it is nice to give other loved ones something for sentimental value (I've had cheap but sentimental jewellery items, pictures, even scarves or pens, just because I really wanted something small of theirs as a keep sake), but you don't have to do this and that's really not the same as them turning up and treating it like a jumble sale.

Hopefulhen Thu 09-Jul-20 02:25:24

I agree that it’s very invasive given that you currently live in the property and have inherited it. But I suppose they may feel, rightly or wrongly, that you have been unfairly gifted your grandparents biggest asset and they would at least like to ‘stake a claim’ on some of your grandparents personal effects given that they have been excluded from inheriting any major assets.
Is there much of sentimental or material value in the property that they might want to keep?

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 09-Jul-20 03:06:34

When my Aunt died a cousin and her child did this. My uncle was too grief stricken to stop them (yes he was alive, still is, and living there). They practically went fucking shopping. The amount of minutes they spent with her when she was ill can be counted on the fingers of one head.

I no longer have anything to do with scrounging bastards.

LiquoricePickle Thu 09-Jul-20 03:08:29

I'd thank her for the offer, but tell her you're fine and you'll let her know if you ever need her help (which you don't)

Oliversmumsarmy Thu 09-Jul-20 03:18:04

I wouldn’t be bagging up anything apart from the tools that were a specific bequest.

If you do try to distribute a few things between family it will cause you more stress that you can imagine

As soon as you try to be nice and even just give 1 item to each person, no matter how carefully thought out your gesture is, it will only lead to arguments about who got what and why you favour one person over another because one got a silver picture frame and one got done jewellery

The whole thing could end up a huge mess and the only way round it is to give nothing to anyone.

And tell the cousin to shove off. You don’t need help clearing the house.

You could have used the help in the previous years looking after 2 elderly people but now that time had passed living in the house on your own is going to be a synch.

gumball37 Thu 09-Jul-20 03:43:17

Ummm... You live there... So it doesn't need sorting. I'd say as much

gumball37 Thu 09-Jul-20 03:44:00

... and my condolences.

Coyoacan Thu 09-Jul-20 04:06:50

Yeap, I've heard of a few cases where relatives walk in and help themselves to things that were not left them.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 09-Jul-20 04:11:01

The fact that she used the word "greedy" pretty much spells out her intentions.

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 09-Jul-20 04:28:45

Hmm same thing happened to me only with my parents. I was only one who bothered with them and became their main carer in last six r so years of their lives. Originally left everything to my elder brother who lived with them and looked after them, drove them everywhere etc etc. I didn't mind this at all as he deserved it for all but giving up his life to care for them. He sadly predeceased them and l then took over where he left off,. My siblings did feck all basically even though both lived near but l had to give up my career in my 50s as caring for them both was so disruptive to my work attendance etc etc.
They left me the house and everything in it by basically replacing late brothers name on will with mine.
I took lots of photos and trinkets and all sorts to my siblings Inc. Nice watches, wedding rings etc but one in particular kept asking for very specific little box and a certain this and that, drove me nuts. I had a garage full of parents stuff to sort pestering continually for more stuff and they wanted to come and go through my garage 'to help sort it out'
I never lived with them so this was my garage btw where ld moved their stuff to in order do up their house.
Siblings both don't speak to me now since they found out l inherited the house and lve had solicitors letters demanding this that and the other and a full share of the house and demanding see the will. I've also had poisonous letters texts etc from one in particular.
I was going to dhare some of proceeds with them but solicitor has advised strongly against this because as pp have said they won't be happy till they get a full share so ld be throwing money away basically as they still wouldn't speak to me /bad mouth me etc. and lm not prepared to give them an even split.

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