To want a better relationship with BIL, SIL and DNiece/Nephew and not know how to go about it?

[ConkerGame]

This is more of a WWYD. DH and I are starting to feel really down about our relationship (or lack thereof) with DH's brother and his wife, and consequently with DNephew (3) and DNiece (1).

DH and his brother aren't really close as there's a bit of an age gap but they've always got on and there's never been any fall outs or anything like that. We also both really like SIL and haven't had any falling out with her. They both appear to like us when we spend time with them - i.e. conversation flows well, everyone seems happy and relaxed. The main problem is - we hardly ever do get to see them! They host a family event once a year but that's for everyone in the wider family, so no quality time with them or with the kids. We maybe see them twice a year other than that and we've only met DNiece once since she was born

They live a 2 hour drive away and both we and they have a car. Since the children came along we have made it clear that we are very happy to fit in with them - so we're happy to do the drive to their house or happy to host them at ours if that's easier or happy to meet somewhere else that works for the kids. They have basically said a flat no to visiting us as the journey is too long for the kids and our house isn't big enough (we live in a flat in London). They also don't visit PIL often because of the journey. Fair enough, we're happy to go to them and their house is much bigger so they'd have plenty of space to host us, especially if it was just for the afternoon. There are no other issues such as illness, disability or money problems and their house is lovely so no embarrassment about that (and it's also very lived in so they're not just precious about the furniture!).

We tried waiting for invitations to their house initially (after invites to our place were turned down) but those invitations never came. So we then tried suggesting meet ups elsewhere/letting them know that we were happy to pop round for just a cuppa as we have other relatives and friends nearby too but they always have a reason why they can't. We tried saying "we'd really love to see you all, are you free any time in the next couple of months?" and they replied to say they were busy every weekend for the next 4 months!

We're not sure what else to do now. It's sad enough about the relationship with BIL and SIL but we're really getting down about not seeing the kids. They're the only children in the family so they're very important to us but we're just not getting a chance to build a relationship with them. We send them presents for birthdays, Christmas and bring them back gifts from holidays etc and we've started to send the odd video message during lockdown as they've said the kids can't really cope with video calls, so we haven't even seen them virtually. Any others ideas about how to build a relationship with the children? Or do we just need to wait until they're old enough to have their own phones/email addresses and we can contact them directly?

WWYD?

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I dont think there is much you can do to be honest. They don't want to see you - I'm sorry! They seem happy to plan to see others. I guess when the kids are older you could offer to have them for the weekend or take them away for thr weekend with yours, nearer where they live? Or maybe your husband could speak to his brother and have a heart to heart? But if it's as simple as they are not interested, I dont think they are likely to be honest. There isnt a backstory or anything is there like they have very different ideas on parenting and think your kids are naughty or something??

[LouiseTrees]

Buy them a Facebook portal that links up to the TV and get yourselves one and perhaps one for Dh’s parents so that the kids can see relatives who live further away.

[Haretodaygonetomorrow]

Ah, this is really sad as it sounds like they just aren’t interested. It’s a shame - the children could get so much from having a good relationship with you too.

[Leobynature]

Offer to babysit and have the children. Invite them around for a day. Send the children useful things. Go up to take the kids out on a trip to the park for a few hours to give mom a break. Tell them how you feel like you have done on this post.

[Shoxfordian]

There isn't much you can do, they've made it pretty clear that they don't want a close relationship with you

[Splinkyplonk]

Maybe they actually find parenting a struggle and don't have capacity for extra contact at this stage.

[Stanleyville]

Did ysee them more before the kids came along? Do you have DV?

[Stanleyville]

DC apologies

[ConkerGame]

@Splinkyplonk we have thought that might be the case. I guess it’s difficult to speak to them about things like that when we’re not seeing them or in frequent contact, so they don’t open up. I might just try to keep text convo up with SIL, then maybe she’ll open up a bit more

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

You only seem to have come up with two options. 1) Keep pushing and looking for new ways to get involved with their family. 2) Wait until the children are old enough and the bypass the parents. The clearest option - the one that is probably most appropriate - is option 3: take no for answer and move on.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, because I do understand. My uncle and his nuclear family simply aren’t interested in the rest of the extended family (including me, my parents, siblings etc.) There hasn’t been a fallout - in a way, it would be easier if there had been. It’s just disinterest. We got a present at Christmas and a cheque in our birthdays until we were 18; then that was pretty much it. It’s a shame, but we can’t force them to care.

Your in-laws are the same. They don’t dislike you; they are just happy with their nuclear family and don’t want anything more. Yes, it must hurt; but they haven’t actually done anything wrong. Accept that this relationship simply isn’t going to happen.

[ConkerGame]

@Stanleyville kids actually came along very quickly! They had DC 1 18 months after meeting and got married when he was 4 months old. So we haven’t really known SIL not pregnant/with DC. Before SIL arrived on the scene we did see a bit more of BIL but he often travelled for work so we didn’t se him loads and he and DH have never been really close.

We don’t have kids yet.

[Aquamarine1029]

Sadly, there's nothing you can do. It takes everyone involved to nurture a close relationship and they are clearly not interested.

[ConkerGame]

@StillCoughingandLaughing you might be right but if that is the case we will be very upset, especially DH. This is his only sibling so he’ll be left with nobody if he ends up with no relationship with him. I also think it’s a real shame for the kids. We get on really well with DNephew when we see him and we’re genuinely interested in what he’s up to and how he’s doing. I think we’re really good aunty and uncle to be honest! Also if we have kids then all the kids will miss out on a cousin relationship.

[narrowboatgirl]

If they’ve never been close it will probably be a challenge to develop that relationship later in life.

My dad was the same. Only saw his much older sister once a year. I didn’t really get to know my cousins till I was in my 30s. I do feel I missed out, but with a 2 hour drive your DC probably wouldn’t develop a really close relationship. It’ll be easier once they’re older and can stay in touch over messaging or whatever replaces Facebook in the future.

[rosybell]

My Sil & Bil also lived around 2 hours away, and we have started booking a hotel for a night or two when we visit. It really takes the pressure of them having to 'host' and is nice & relaxed.
Another idea is starting some kind of 'tradition' .. eg every bank holiday you meet somewhere for the day or try to connect around birthdays?

[ConkerGame]

@rosybell that’s not a bad idea about traditions. That’s how we met up with my aunts and uncles when we were younger good idea, thank you!

Don’t think we’ll need a hotel as we’re happy to do the drive there and back in a day and we have made that clear!

[WantToBeMum]

I have a similar relationship with my brother, his wife and kids. We get on fine, no history of fall outs, but they just aren't interested in spending time together. I've given repeated invitations to have them stay and been turned down, I've offered to visit them, I've asked to visit them so I can spend time with the kids and always told "we'll sort something out when we're free". But they're never free for me, they spend all their spare time with friends. It's made me really sad to not have that connection, but I've had to accept it. Family relationships are so important to me so I do still hope that as they get older they might want to connect again, but I can't be sure they will. So I sympathise with you and follow this thread with interest!

[ConiferGate]

Are they close to her side of the family OP? That can often make a big difference. Other than that I’d say the kids are very young, 3 and 1 are both really hard ages, not very rewarding and bloody tiring! I’m pretty sure when ours were that age I didn’t want to do much either!

Please don’t bypass the parents when kids get Emails etc later. I’d really hate that as a parent even if it was well intended it would seem underhand. The best thing is when they’re ready, suggest a trip out somewhere as a birthday present or Christmas so you’re spending time together. Remember it doesn’t need to be massive like legolabd, kids love simple things like a farm, a picnic, hide and seek. Most of all they love it when people want to be with them. Do a bit of research in their area.

[cheeseaddict420]

I don’t really understand why your DH expects to suddenly be close to his brother and see his family/children frequently if they have never been close? I’m close to my brother and have always seen him often, with my partner as well. My partner is not as close to his so we just don’t see him and his family much. No hard feelings, just the way things are iyswim.

It sounds like you’re finding this hard, but I don’t know if contacting their kids when they are older is the solution either. Maybe invest the time you would have put into BIL and family into friends who will truly appreciate you.

[ConkerGame]

@WantToBeMum I’m sorry you’ve gone through the same thing - it’s so painful, isn’t it!

[ConkerGame]

@ConiferGate I don’t think they are that close to them actually. They live even further away. However they do have various issues - illnesses etc and I know that SIL worries about them so maybe that takes up more time and energy than we realise.

And yes we hope it is just a particularly tiring/difficult phase of parenting and they’ll come out the other side once the kids are in school. We’ve tried to be really mindful of this and sent them actually useful things after they’ve had each kid, to save them time etc, as well as more pretty/fun gifts.

On the email thing I didn’t mean we’d do it behind the parents’ backs or anything and I’m sure their parents will read everything at first anyway. I meant more just that we wouldn’t have to wait for the parents to arrange that contact. We also wouldn’t offer to see the kids without agreeing it with the parents first. I meant more like asking them what they’re up to at school and that sort of thing, just to keep in touch and get to know them better.

[ConkerGame]

@cheeseaddict420 yes that’s a fair point, I guess I just figured that the reason they weren’t close is that they were hopeless at organising things and being in touch. I hoped that as SIL and I got on and are both better organisers, that we might create the closer relationship but while she seems happy to reply to my texts, it never goes further than that

[GabsAlot]

i really dont think you should force this-you obviously have more free time than thm understandably but the brothers hav never been close so i dont know what you expect really-you dont have a right to see them or the dc

[Fairybatman]

I’d be honest. Could you ring and say that you really want to see the kids, could you pop over to take them to the park for an hour or two one afternoon?

Their reaction will tell you if it’s a lost cause.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

I think you sound nice, we're in the reverse position and wish some of my siblings would be interested in seeing us and meeting their nephews!

Have you been really frank? Maybe you could drop a simple card to say that you know their lives are very busy and the last thing you want to do is add another job for them - at the same time, DH hugely values his relationship with his brother and you'd both love a chance to be a part of the lives of your only niece and nephew, whether that is just a funny gift at Christmas or getting to know each other a bit better so that you might be able to do some occasional babysitting and let their parents get some time out together.

If they still don't respond or give a polite or blunt decline, you know you've tried, and maybe it's time to out some of your energy into families that would hugely appreciate it, whether via a local scouts group, or a big brother/little brother programme or somewhere else.