First time post, long time lurker. Incredibly outing post but I dont care.
Now let me start by saying I know I'm not the only person on the planet who just has shit luck. I'll try not to make it too long!
Up until 5 years ago I led a pretty sheltered life. I had two children early on (had my 2nd at 19) and although I lived with my partner and had a job etc I relied on my mum so much. She was my best friend, always helped me with the kids and she just wanted to be the best nanny. Then one day when my 2nd was only 10 months old a police car showed up at my house. Literally every moment of that day is etched in my mind. They told me she was dead, didnt say how until a couple days later. Apparently she killed herself. It was always bizzare to me because she was so happy.. but I guess those are the people to watch out for. Unfortunately she was recently married to a prick at the time and the whole process was horrendous. I couldnt even be sad at her funeral because like many of the people there I sat there thinking WTF is this. He made the whole funeral about him and it was just a bizzare funeral. Anyway there was no warning, no note, zilch.
I got on with life with, many difficult days. Racked up quite a bit of debt because I was depressed. I only really had my nan, grandad, sister and brother left. My grandparents took the news of my mum incredibly hard and it was down to me and my big sister to help them through that (my brother was just a teenager, living with my pretty useless dad). My nan died a few months after my mum. Turns out she had cancer, didnt tell anyone. Not even my grandad. He was just so devastated. He woke up one day and she passed in her sleep. Again down to me and my sister to help him through that. I had never seen anyone in so much pain before - certainly not my mums husband.
Again time went on, visited my grandad all the time. In that time we had pretty shit lucky. We had moved to a nice house (rented) hadn't even unpacked our boxes when they started having viewings on it! Said they were going to sell it to an investor who would let us stay... obviously didn't happen. Lost so much money and was booted out after 6 months when they sold it to a family. Partner lost his job and we ended up moving in with his parents (we have separate living areas to them so not too tragic). We were going to move out not long after but found out i was pregnant the month we moved in with them and they wanted us to stay. Partner got a good job and all was going well.
A few months after baby was born we noticed we hadn't been tagged in 1000 ridiculous memes by my grandad on facebook. Now he was pretty fit and 70 years old. Lived alone. We were his only family. I knew, I just knew. We went round there and sure enough he had passed in his bed. Again me and my sister had to sort everything out. Including emptying his house - they had been in it like 50 years. It was a council house and they obviously wanted it back ASAP so there was no time to fuck about.
Time goes on and my partner has friends from work over a few times. Couple nice girls, mostly guys. I get along with the girls but one is messing around with one of the guys with a gf. Bit shit but not my business. Then we have them round again, shortly after this one girl was battered by this woman. How awful I thought. Turns out it was because she was seeing another guy with a wife. Again not my business. Partner starts to seem off with me and idk why I just knew. Something just clicked. Checked messages the day after this girl was sat on my fucking sofa talking to me and my kids. Honestly I went ape shit. I left and went to a hotel. Now I'm sure you will all eye roll but he genuinely isnt the type to do this. No one ever saw it coming. Not his friends (he hid it from them too) not my friends, our family - no one. Now he says they didnt sleep together... I'm in two minds weather they did or not. I think I found out too quickly, but I'm certain if I didnt find out when I did they would have. Tbh I dont think it would have made much difference, the betrayal was there. It made me so insecure and just broken. It broke me. I feel so pathetic admitting that because I never thought I would ever be in that position. He genuinely was ready to throw away all of these years and our family for someone who only wanted him because he was unavailable. It couldn't even play out in private because we live with his parents! However they were 100% on my side and ready to make him sleep in the caravan on the drive. We worked through it but it will never happen to me again, my eyes are wide open now.
We started looking at new places when covid hit. He lost his job. Not even surprised anymore. My sister who is pretty much my only friend was pregnant with twins. It was a shock but so excited. I was the one who took her to her appointments and buying lots of frilly dresses. She is single so I was set to be her birthing partner. She had some issues in the pregnancy due to it being twins but they were both doing well. Then last week she was sent to the hospital for something minor. Idk what it was but something inside me told me something was wrong. I literally rushed to the hospital so quickly. She lost one of the babies :( 2 weeks before planned csection. Other baby doing well but what can you say? It wasnt even my baby and I'm devastated. Obviously I have to support her through this and I'm doing the best I can. But if I feel like this how the hell does she feel? I will never get that picture of that beautiful baby out my head :(
AIBU to think i must have been some awful wanker in my past life? It's the only explanation I can think of. Every year for the past 5 years I've said it's going to be my year. Then life just throws all this shit at me. Sorry to vent but I dont have anyone to talk to 
AIBU?
To feel like I must have been a cunt in past life
Feellikethegrimreaper · 08/07/2020 05:46
@Nofunkingworriesmate I'm just going to stop saying it! Maybe it will happen if I dont say it 
everyone always says it has to get better and it cant get worse, I know it can!
@Fizzysours thank you 
baby is doing well in NICU and makes a shit situation so much better. I just wish her sister made it to :(
OP, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you fully believe your mum died by suicide. I wonder if that doubt has stopped you being able to piece things together.
That is a lot of very tough things to happen when you are so young. It must feel like those who love you have all been removed in different ways.
I don't believe in past lives and I also believe that most people aren't simply cunts - they have good sides and bad sides, get some things right and some things wrong.
You're evidently someone who is trusted and loved, given that your in-laws wanted to protect you before their son. You're a loving mum, and a loving sister and aunt. You have experienced love from your grandparents and mum (and even XP). You are going to have to dig deep and harness that love and the loving side of yourself to stop bitterness taking over.
If you can access it (not easy at the moment), I believe some counselling might help you. In the meantime, look at mindfulness and don't be afraid to give yourself moments when you feel sad or angry. You may have more tough times in life, but you will also have joy and happiness ahead too, so don't forget to look out for them. 
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Your mum taking her life at such a young age must have absolutely floored you! Unfortunately, as sad as it is, people do die of cancer and, whilst he wasn't that old, it's not that unusual for a man to pass away at 70. However, I get that the death of your grandparents has been particularly painful, following the death of your mother. It's the cumulative impact of all these events that make them seem all the more painful. I say this, not to in any way, be dismissive of the pain caused by all the subsequent misfortune, but in the hope that you may see that, some of these subsequent events will naturally be all the more painful because of the death of your mother, rather than if they had been stand alone events. It's as though you have been kicked repeatedly when you were down. Every time something bad happens, you will feel it all the more keenly. I get this. I had a similar run of 'bad luck' when I was younger (teenager/early twenties). Sudden death of my father, loss of home, suicidal parent, family disintegration, dogs dying in house fire, awful court case, to name a few. There were so many things that occurred and it was the cumulation of these events that made me feel like the unluckiest person in the world. I felt depressed, anxious, bitter and victimised. I couldn't relate to my friends who were living such care free existences. Gradually, however, things have begun to even out a bit. Others around me are playing 'catch up', so to speak. I think that bad things happen to everyone, but if events are spaced out over more of a lifetime, you can cope with them better. You've had all these things to contend with in a relatively short space of time. I spent years anticipating/expecting the next blow. Then, after another string of bad luck, three years ago, my husband suddenly developed Sepsis and ended up in a coma on a life support machine. I had a young baby and child. He was left fighting for his life. His heart stopped, his organs failed, his lungs collapsed, his chances of survival were low. We had no idea whether he would wake up, be brain damaged, lose limbs etc. And then, against all odds, he survived. That's not to say that it's been an easy road to recovery. It hasn't. He had to learn how to swallow, eat, feed himself, walk again etc. But since that moment I have, for the first time in my life, felt incredibly lucky. And it has changed the way that I have viewed past events. It has balanced things out much more. I am so so sorry for all that you have been through and for the recent, and extremely unfair and unlucky death of your sisters baby. I really hope that, one day, like me, things balance out for you and that you start to get your share of good luck. Give my love to your sister and please tell her that I am thinking of her! 
you have had a lot of awful things happen in close succession. You also had to be the strong one. I think you might benefit from some bereavement counselling for yourself. I dont think you have really had a chance to grieve yourself.
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