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To feel like I must have been a cunt in past life

(33 Posts)
Feellikethegrimreaper Wed 08-Jul-20 05:46:30

First time post, long time lurker. Incredibly outing post but I dont care.

Now let me start by saying I know I'm not the only person on the planet who just has shit luck. I'll try not to make it too long!

Up until 5 years ago I led a pretty sheltered life. I had two children early on (had my 2nd at 19) and although I lived with my partner and had a job etc I relied on my mum so much. She was my best friend, always helped me with the kids and she just wanted to be the best nanny. Then one day when my 2nd was only 10 months old a police car showed up at my house. Literally every moment of that day is etched in my mind. They told me she was dead, didnt say how until a couple days later. Apparently she killed herself. It was always bizzare to me because she was so happy.. but I guess those are the people to watch out for. Unfortunately she was recently married to a prick at the time and the whole process was horrendous. I couldnt even be sad at her funeral because like many of the people there I sat there thinking WTF is this. He made the whole funeral about him and it was just a bizzare funeral. Anyway there was no warning, no note, zilch.

I got on with life with, many difficult days. Racked up quite a bit of debt because I was depressed. I only really had my nan, grandad, sister and brother left. My grandparents took the news of my mum incredibly hard and it was down to me and my big sister to help them through that (my brother was just a teenager, living with my pretty useless dad). My nan died a few months after my mum. Turns out she had cancer, didnt tell anyone. Not even my grandad. He was just so devastated. He woke up one day and she passed in her sleep. Again down to me and my sister to help him through that. I had never seen anyone in so much pain before - certainly not my mums husband.

Again time went on, visited my grandad all the time. In that time we had pretty shit lucky. We had moved to a nice house (rented) hadn't even unpacked our boxes when they started having viewings on it! Said they were going to sell it to an investor who would let us stay... obviously didn't happen. Lost so much money and was booted out after 6 months when they sold it to a family. Partner lost his job and we ended up moving in with his parents (we have separate living areas to them so not too tragic). We were going to move out not long after but found out i was pregnant the month we moved in with them and they wanted us to stay. Partner got a good job and all was going well.

A few months after baby was born we noticed we hadn't been tagged in 1000 ridiculous memes by my grandad on facebook. Now he was pretty fit and 70 years old. Lived alone. We were his only family. I knew, I just knew. We went round there and sure enough he had passed in his bed. Again me and my sister had to sort everything out. Including emptying his house - they had been in it like 50 years. It was a council house and they obviously wanted it back ASAP so there was no time to fuck about.

Time goes on and my partner has friends from work over a few times. Couple nice girls, mostly guys. I get along with the girls but one is messing around with one of the guys with a gf. Bit shit but not my business. Then we have them round again, shortly after this one girl was battered by this woman. How awful I thought. Turns out it was because she was seeing another guy with a wife. Again not my business. Partner starts to seem off with me and idk why I just knew. Something just clicked. Checked messages the day after this girl was sat on my fucking sofa talking to me and my kids. Honestly I went ape shit. I left and went to a hotel. Now I'm sure you will all eye roll but he genuinely isnt the type to do this. No one ever saw it coming. Not his friends (he hid it from them too) not my friends, our family - no one. Now he says they didnt sleep together... I'm in two minds weather they did or not. I think I found out too quickly, but I'm certain if I didnt find out when I did they would have. Tbh I dont think it would have made much difference, the betrayal was there. It made me so insecure and just broken. It broke me. I feel so pathetic admitting that because I never thought I would ever be in that position. He genuinely was ready to throw away all of these years and our family for someone who only wanted him because he was unavailable. It couldn't even play out in private because we live with his parents! However they were 100% on my side and ready to make him sleep in the caravan on the drive. We worked through it but it will never happen to me again, my eyes are wide open now.

We started looking at new places when covid hit. He lost his job. Not even surprised anymore. My sister who is pretty much my only friend was pregnant with twins. It was a shock but so excited. I was the one who took her to her appointments and buying lots of frilly dresses. She is single so I was set to be her birthing partner. She had some issues in the pregnancy due to it being twins but they were both doing well. Then last week she was sent to the hospital for something minor. Idk what it was but something inside me told me something was wrong. I literally rushed to the hospital so quickly. She lost one of the babies sad 2 weeks before planned csection. Other baby doing well but what can you say? It wasnt even my baby and I'm devastated. Obviously I have to support her through this and I'm doing the best I can. But if I feel like this how the hell does she feel? I will never get that picture of that beautiful baby out my head sad

AIBU to think i must have been some awful wanker in my past life? It's the only explanation I can think of. Every year for the past 5 years I've said it's going to be my year. Then life just throws all this shit at me. Sorry to vent but I dont have anyone to talk to sad

OP’s posts: |
Fizzysours Wed 08-Jul-20 06:14:21

I just wanted to say I am so so sorry. I don't believe in past lives but I think this one has been truly shit to you. It's a shame your idiotic partner has chosen to behave like he did in the middle of it all. Well done for not taking the victim role.

I hope your sister's surviving child is born safe and well and brings you some joy. Sounds like the universe bloody owes you some

Nofunkingworriesmate Wed 08-Jul-20 06:14:20

Hey I'm here too in silly hours if the morning

Nofunkingworriesmate Wed 08-Jul-20 06:15:50

I can really relate to your story, my details are different but definitely the feeling of this year is going to be better, then laughing and saying well "it can't be worse"... then it is

makingmammaries Wed 08-Jul-20 06:25:23

Try turning it around, OP. You had your mum into adulthood. Grandparents too! Some of us had none of that. Your children are healthy. Your DP’s parents support you. Your sister has lost one baby and that is very sad. Would it make you feel better to know about my family member who from birth was condemned to a life of wheelchairs and worse? You will encounter bigger challenges in life than what you have described. I am sorry about your mum.

Nofunkingworriesmate Wed 08-Jul-20 06:26:55

Just want to say to you as I emerge from my cluster fuck of a calamitous year that cheesy line of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, v cheesy I know
You sound like a wonderful person who has not deserved any of this
I hope the new baby brings joy
I lost a twin and I feel guilty because I couldn't afford twins it would have broken us, so I always feel v v guilty for being "glad" I had only one I'm jealous of people who have supportive husbands and money to enjoy twins and I didn't but life hands you lemons... fuck I'm cheesy
Wish you all the best going forward

Feellikethegrimreaper Wed 08-Jul-20 06:31:23

@makingmammaries of course I'm grateful to have had them into adulthood. I understand people have none of that. But I also hope I dont face bigger challenges than what I already have because I dont think I would survive that. I know there will always be someone worse of than me, it doesn't make my situation hurt any less.

OP’s posts: |
Feellikethegrimreaper Wed 08-Jul-20 06:34:41

@Nofunkingworriesmate I'm just going to stop saying it! Maybe it will happen if I dont say it grin everyone always says it has to get better and it cant get worse, I know it can!

@Fizzysours thank you smile baby is doing well in NICU and makes a shit situation so much better. I just wish her sister made it to sad

OP’s posts: |
BoatyKarenMcKarenface Wed 08-Jul-20 06:54:59

I'm so sorry op flowers

FortunesFave Wed 08-Jul-20 06:59:42

I'm so sorry for your losses...your Mum and your Granddad.

But honestly OP....the things you're describing are just part of life.

Death, job losses, housing issues, affairs...they're normal things that happen to nice people.

You can't go around saying you've got "bad luck" because most of these things will happen to all of us at some point...sometimes in quick succession...sometimes not.

It's just called being an adult.

Isthisfinallyit Wed 08-Jul-20 07:03:06

I had a couple of years in my twenties when it was one thing after another. I think that that made it more difficult to handle because you get no time to properly process it because the next shit happens. Things will get calmer at some point (if only because some things can't happen anymore so there's less shit possible) and then you can finally process it when your get calmer. You might want to see if some therapy can help you to keep going at the moment, it really can help. In a couple of years you will discover that you have become stronger because of this. I realise that's not a good thing per se because of how you got stronger, but it will make it easier for you to handle future crises. You will get through this.

speakout Wed 08-Jul-20 07:08:01

I almost didn't post and I find the title of your thread offensive- but you have the right to use words as you wish.

You need time to grow up and find yourself.
You won;t find your steering wheel to life in other people, stop looking there.
Most of us have had to navigate rough water in life. It's hsit, but it happens.
You can come though this, but you need to take control.

Itisbetter Wed 08-Jul-20 07:09:57

I’m sorry it’s been so hard. You still have your brother and sister and a new baby will help heal.
Are you planning to leave your husband?

Clevererthanyou Wed 08-Jul-20 07:13:10

Contrary to another poster I sincerely hope you don’t experience worse loss and pain than you already have! Premature death isn’t something you should ever have to get used to. I’ve lost my Dad, Mam, sister and baby in less than 3 years and I hope to God that those losses aren’t just run of the mill life pains! You will be ok in time, that much I promise 🌻

Wallywobbles Wed 08-Jul-20 07:15:41

You have had a shit time of it. Really you have.

But please make sure you get a job as soon as it's feasible. Get a little bit of money in your own name too. If I've understood correctly you're not married so you've zero security. Doesn't matter much now as neither of you have a pot to piss in. But try and future protect yourself when you can.

Good luck. The biggest blessing you have is you are young and you can forge yourself a fab career while others stop for kids just as they get established.

lemmathelemmin Wed 08-Jul-20 07:23:29

You've been through a lot and quite young. I've dealt with suicide before and it screwed me up- just coming out of the worst right now.

Your thoughts and feelings are completely valid. That's just how you feel right now. Hope things get better for you.

MsJuniper Wed 08-Jul-20 07:24:38

OP, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you fully believe your mum died by suicide. I wonder if that doubt has stopped you being able to piece things together.

That is a lot of very tough things to happen when you are so young. It must feel like those who love you have all been removed in different ways.

I don't believe in past lives and I also believe that most people aren't simply cunts - they have good sides and bad sides, get some things right and some things wrong.

You're evidently someone who is trusted and loved, given that your in-laws wanted to protect you before their son. You're a loving mum, and a loving sister and aunt. You have experienced love from your grandparents and mum (and even XP). You are going to have to dig deep and harness that love and the loving side of yourself to stop bitterness taking over.

If you can access it (not easy at the moment), I believe some counselling might help you. In the meantime, look at mindfulness and don't be afraid to give yourself moments when you feel sad or angry. You may have more tough times in life, but you will also have joy and happiness ahead too, so don't forget to look out for them. thanks

CambsAlways Wed 08-Jul-20 07:28:08

So sorry to hear this, sending big hugs, 💐

FartingNora Wed 08-Jul-20 07:45:19

It’s shit and you sound like you are still young and know a lot of people who haven’t had the challenges you face. I’m sorry about the loss of your mum and grandad.
It’s bad luck though, nothing to do with your past life. Also, as you get older many more people will face similar challenges. I lost both my parents early and had some terrible stuff to face in my 20s and I felt very alone. Now I am late 30s and many of my friends are in their 40s and 50s there are many many more people who have faced similar challenges. Life throws so many hurdles, pick yourself up and focus on the good stuff where you can but also allow yourself time to grieve for your losses and be kind to yourself. Some losses we never ever get over but we learn to live with them. Have you had any counselling ?

ravensoaponarope Wed 08-Jul-20 07:46:16

I'm so sorry for all your losses.
I wonder if you would consider bereavement counselling with Cruse?xx

Neron Wed 08-Jul-20 07:58:33

I symphsise with you OP, and I am sorry for your losses.
I certainly feel the way you do, because I am genuinely the most unlucky person. If shits going to happen, it will happen to me. Spent a lot of time being jealous of people that seemingly float through life with no real issues or hardships. A lot of therapy later and things are a lot better

Stanleyville Wed 08-Jul-20 07:59:39

It sounds rough, but truly you have to focus on what you do have, not what you don't. Life is hard. I'd echo others that have urged you to focus on a career and savings and giving yourself choices.

It's interesting you felt you'd led a sheltered life before your mum passed, you'd not really, with separated parents, a not nice step dad, a dad that didn't step up and being an unmarried, teenage mum. You might want to explore what a settled, good relationship looks like.

TARSCOUT Wed 08-Jul-20 08:22:37

Likes fucking shit isn't it. One disaster after another and never a break. You stop hoping that you'll catch a break and just become hardened to it. I can't relate to all the circumstances but have enough of my own versions to know exactly how you feel. I have no real advice but just wanted to let you know there are others out there who know how you feel.

Worstemailever Wed 08-Jul-20 08:23:12

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Your mum taking her life at such a young age must have absolutely floored you! Unfortunately, as sad as it is, people do die of cancer and, whilst he wasn't that old, it's not that unusual for a man to pass away at 70. However, I get that the death of your grandparents has been particularly painful, following the death of your mother. It's the cumulative impact of all these events that make them seem all the more painful. I say this, not to in any way, be dismissive of the pain caused by all the subsequent misfortune, but in the hope that you may see that, some of these subsequent events will naturally be all the more painful because of the death of your mother, rather than if they had been stand alone events. It's as though you have been kicked repeatedly when you were down. Every time something bad happens, you will feel it all the more keenly. I get this. I had a similar run of 'bad luck' when I was younger (teenager/early twenties). Sudden death of my father, loss of home, suicidal parent, family disintegration, dogs dying in house fire, awful court case, to name a few. There were so many things that occurred and it was the cumulation of these events that made me feel like the unluckiest person in the world. I felt depressed, anxious, bitter and victimised. I couldn't relate to my friends who were living such care free existences. Gradually, however, things have begun to even out a bit. Others around me are playing 'catch up', so to speak. I think that bad things happen to everyone, but if events are spaced out over more of a lifetime, you can cope with them better. You've had all these things to contend with in a relatively short space of time. I spent years anticipating/expecting the next blow. Then, after another string of bad luck, three years ago, my husband suddenly developed Sepsis and ended up in a coma on a life support machine. I had a young baby and child. He was left fighting for his life. His heart stopped, his organs failed, his lungs collapsed, his chances of survival were low. We had no idea whether he would wake up, be brain damaged, lose limbs etc. And then, against all odds, he survived. That's not to say that it's been an easy road to recovery. It hasn't. He had to learn how to swallow, eat, feed himself, walk again etc. But since that moment I have, for the first time in my life, felt incredibly lucky. And it has changed the way that I have viewed past events. It has balanced things out much more. I am so so sorry for all that you have been through and for the recent, and extremely unfair and unlucky death of your sisters baby. I really hope that, one day, like me, things balance out for you and that you start to get your share of good luck. Give my love to your sister and please tell her that I am thinking of her! flowers

TheMandalorian Wed 08-Jul-20 08:32:09

you have had a lot of awful things happen in close succession. You also had to be the strong one. I think you might benefit from some bereavement counselling for yourself. I dont think you have really had a chance to grieve yourself. flowers

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