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DP and I had a barny

(132 Posts)
Tiggytigert Tue 07-Jul-20 23:46:54

AIBU?

We have been having a rough patch, claimed he would change and help out more but, it's a day or two then it goes back to normal.

I feel like if I ask he moans about it, then if I don't ask it builds up and I end up doing it myself.

Our kitchen would literally go mouldy if I didn't.

I am on ML so he is still working but most mornings we are ip the same time and I'm in bed later than him (a 6 month old is classed as a full time job or is this unreasonable 😅) I do all the nights as I breastfeed, I do all the nappies, changing of clothes, washing, tidying, cooking mainly, he even refuses to do his lunches most days then complains we are spending so much money or he has none left.

Every day he comes home, spends 5 minutes cooing over DD and then goes on his phone to play games for hours, i maybe get a word or two edgeways an hour.

Today, i lost it.

I'm poorly, I asked him too look after DD for 2 minutes while I went to the toilet, I came back, she was all agitated and he was sitting with her on his knee playing his poxy phone game, again (one that winds him up SO much he gets frustrated and shitty the rest of the evening) I mentioned it and then asked if he could try get baby to sleep while I finished my dinner (as he had finished his) he walked around for 2 minutes gave up and said she just wants you and is looking for you.

How on earth am I supposed to get her to sleep without me and ready for nursery..

I have repeatedly said over and over I need help, I want more time to do things (I've not showered in a week! (I have wiped myself down but baby is going through a leap and growth spurt and teething..))

Every time I do, I sort of lose it, I ask for help then it never ever changes. I'm so exhausted mentally and physically. I feel like im a parent to a baby and an adult man child.

We have been together a long, long time and I do love him, but I just feel numb. I need help.

Am I being over the top? Is it too much to ask to not have to ask??

To any of you, who are single mums, how do you do it? Manage baby full time, bills, work, do you get on for babies sake? I just do not know what to do anymore ☹️😥

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Tiggytigert Tue 07-Jul-20 23:47:18

I'm so sorry that was so long.

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Teacaketotty Tue 07-Jul-20 23:51:35

OP this sounds like an awful situation - you haven’t showered in a week because your DH can’t look after his own child for half an hour to let you clean yourself. Jesus Christ that’s awful.

Please know you deserve better, you deserve a partner you can depend on and who cares about your happiness. I know this can’t be what you want for your life - or your baby! I couldn’t love someone who treats me so poorly.

I’m not a single parent but I’m sure it would be better than this, your just going to keep feeling resentful (rightly so!) and the arguments will continue.

MountIronSolo01 Tue 07-Jul-20 23:53:06

Could you try writing it down like you have here. Maybe it will help him understand you’re perspective better. People are often defensive when confronted in the heat of the moment.

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 07-Jul-20 23:55:30

Can she sit up by herself? If not I’d put her into her cot with the monitor on and take it to the shower. Letting her cry for 5 mins while you’re having a shower isn’t the worst thing in the world. Then when you’re done kick your DH out of the house.

Tiggytigert Tue 07-Jul-20 23:56:54

@teacaketotty To be fair to him, I haven't asked. But, again, why should I.. I feel like all I do is ask or say things and I just wish for once he's say 'hey babe, let me look after her for an hour, go run yourself a nice bath and we will be okay' maybe I ask too much and I know if we break up it will be worse because I'll be alone..

@MountIronSolo01 That's a good idea, he's on the sofa tonight, so think I'll write a bit out for him while he's at work

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Tiggytigert Tue 07-Jul-20 23:58:35

@GrumpyHoonMain she can indeed, I know she would be okay, but, i had an awful childhood so I have some sort of complex around her crying. I often bring her into the bathroom with me in her rocking chair but just not found the time or effort recently. Maybe it's me wanting to much, im not even sure anymore

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GrumpyHoonMain Wed 08-Jul-20 00:00:40

Look not having a shower in a week clearly shows you need to prioritize yourself. Just do what needs to be done to have that shower, wash your hair and feel a bit human. You can make it up to her with lots of cuddles afterwards - but you absolutely do need to care for yourself.

Ellie56 Wed 08-Jul-20 00:04:01

You don't need "help". You need him to step up and bloody do his share of the housework and parenting his own child!

He sounds a complete useless twat and I'd have thrown his poxy phone out of the window by now! angry

You deserve better.

Teacaketotty Wed 08-Jul-20 00:05:11

It doesn’t sound like there is any benefit for you having him around to be honest. If you have to ask him to watch her while you go to the toilet that is a sad situation to be in, she’s just as much his child and responsibility as yours so why is all the work down to you?

You shouldn’t have to ask, he’s an adult and must notice how run down you are - honestly though it sounds like he’s too self centred to care. Which I’m sorry to say won’t change.

Take care of yourself OP, your baby needs you to take care of yourself too x

Teacaketotty Wed 08-Jul-20 00:06:22

Also it won’t be worse being alone, you’ll have one less person to clean up after and cook for and be free of the arguments and resentment. Your doing it alone already

Ellie56 Wed 08-Jul-20 00:07:03

Just give baby to him and go and get in the shower. And take your time.

3cats Wed 08-Jul-20 00:08:36

I never get why men like this have kids and then have no interest in parenting them. My Ex was exactly the same, I’m afraid. I don’t know what to advise. It’s not like you can make them give a shit unfortunately.

Tiggytigert Wed 08-Jul-20 00:10:15

@Ellie56 The only thing I ever, ever ask him to do is the washing up. It then piles up, over days and he moans there's so much. Then the day he does it says oh ill get more on top of it and it gets worse. I know he works every day and I really do not get on at him at all but - it gets me down, some days I physically cannot even go in there as soon as I walk in I feel depressed and shit. Iove him so much, its so hard to figure out what's best but I can't continue like this anymore.

@teacaketotty I feel like maybe sometimes I'm too anxious around her, she's my pride and joy (obviously everyone's baby is!) but I feel like she's at a stage where she's very active and interested so is at every thing. I just worry even for those, two minutes that she's got at something or he's playing a game so isn't watching her.. I'm beginning to feel the same way, i dont think he's ever going to change or step up, which is such a shame as I never, ever pictured him to be, this way. You are right, my daughter needs me, to be able to look after myself and her properly. She deserves that x

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youhave4substitutes Wed 08-Jul-20 00:10:19

He refuses to make his own lunch and you've not showered in a week?!

I'd seriously be getting rid of him.

Tiggytigert Wed 08-Jul-20 00:12:31

@Ellie56 I wish I could, I have some sort of mad anxiety around her, I'm probably slightly PND but I think it wouldnt be this way if I could actually trust him with her which now I write it, i feel absolutely awful saying it about him. I guess the only way is to bring her in with me x

@3cats if I ever imagined him this way, I wouldnt have. I seriously never ever thought it would be like this. He is great sometimes but more often than not I feel like a, single parent.

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Tiggytigert Wed 08-Jul-20 00:13:05

@youhave4substitutes when you put it like that, I seriously do feel pathetic

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Timmyscrumpets Wed 08-Jul-20 00:17:04

If your friend told you this was her reality what advice would you give her? That's your answer.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Wed 08-Jul-20 00:17:29

Why do you love him? Love grows when partners take care of each other, support each other...does he do that for you? I couldn't love anyone who clearly gave such little regard for, not only my own but for their child's well being. He doesn't change her, play with her, interact with her.

So you're breastfeeding, then he should be changing her and allowing you to rest. But instead he refuses to make his own lunch and can't even look after his own child so you can have a shower.

Honestly, being single would at least you would have less resentment because you wouldn't be annoyed at him being in the house but doing nothing.

MojoJojo71 Wed 08-Jul-20 00:22:20

Honestly, being a single parent Is better than putting up with this shit. I thought I had PND too but my divorce made me feel a whole lot better

rosiejaune Wed 08-Jul-20 00:24:38

I found it much easier being single than in a bad relationship. There's nobody extra to clean up after, and even though you do it all yourself, there also isn't the constant frustration of someone not doing their share.

And do you actually love him, or is he just a habit? Love involves respecting your partner, and I can't imagine you could respect him the way he behaves.

Tiggytigert Wed 08-Jul-20 00:27:21

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup He does have his positives, lime anyone. He's not all bad, I'm just painting a negative picture with no colour here. Maybe I'm the issue.

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Tiggytigert Wed 08-Jul-20 00:30:04

So honestly, this isn't unreasonable? I am asking an ok amount to do and want him to do his share? I'm not a, nagging nelly? I literally feel awful asking him to do absolutely anything because he's been at work all day. He does play with her occasionally during the evening but, i feel he does not do anything else towards her care. He doesn't do her nappies, he will often bath with her but anything else seems like a chore to him after a long day.

Where is my day off? Or time out? I don't get any. I love my daughter dearly and I hate saying it like that, like she's a hassle because she's not at all! I just honestly, want a bath and to not worry

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Tiggytigert Wed 08-Jul-20 00:30:48

@rosiejaune You have put it very well, thank you. Maybe I need a good hard think about what is best for me, thank you

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Yaottie Wed 08-Jul-20 00:33:15

What is there to love about him? He sounds awful, frankly. And I find when I'm stressed out and rushing about doing stuff and my fiance is sitting about, the frustration and resentment that he's not helping are sort of the worst thing.

Maybe if you were free of it all and you knew you had to do everything because you were on your own it would be mentally easier. Because you're not continually being let down by someone who is supposed to love, support and care for you and your little baby.

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