I am a long time lurker, but have not posted yet. I believe IABVVVU and overthinking this but please be gentle. I do have diagnosed CPTSD, BPD, OCD and eating disorder, and grew up in a household full of domestic abuse and other kinds of abuse. Also was sexually assaulted in childhood more than once by severela different people. I mention this because it may be relevant?
This was triggered by a thread I read a few minutes ago but it reminded me of something that happened some years back that although I don't believe has damaged me per se, has been playing on my mind.
This happened over 20 years ago, as a university student. I had been having some mental health issues and was admitted to hospital after an overdose. After being released for a few weeks I was still very vulnerable and not good with boundaries.
I went shopping one evening at my late night supermarket, got a taxi back. The taxi driver kept chatting me up and I couldn't wait for the ride to be over. I didn't want any relationship with anyone- and am shy. When we got to my flat I needed help with the shopping being taken in due to having ME/CFS and mobility issues from that. Then he started saying he wanted to go to bed with me. I said "No, am tired" but he kept on at me and my sense fo boundaries has never been strong so I eventually let him do it hoping it would be over as quick as possible... I did let him up until the point where he wanted to get inside me and I said "no, don't want to get pregnant, I don;t want this" so he kept perstering me to let him carry on but he wouldn't put it inside....I hated every minute of it- I was tired and I kept hoping he would take the hint, but I froze....He suddenly sat up and said "you're shaking! why are you shaking?" I just wanted it over...
He left when he had finished.Even though he hadn't been inside me he had been near enough and I, having OCD, was obsessed with idea I could be pregnant. I got the morning after pill and was feeling stupid because it was my fault but also angry- angry that I had elt him when I didnt want to, angry I was in this position- me, someone who doesn't trsut men, who doesn't even like men that much (not kidding- I really don't care about the opposite sex).
I know this is daft but I still feel angry about what happened. I mean, am not a victim- I wasn;t raped (not by him anyway) and am a bit worried as to why I am seeing myself as a victim in this scenario when nothing untoward happened other than a bit of bad sex
I wonder whether the issue is my childhood has caused me to see myself as a victim during sexual encounters and because of the early childhood trauma, am overreacting to what happened? I just feel utterly angry that this man kept wearing me down, but then again, my "No" was very weak and why didn't I fight back?
What upsets me, is that as a n older child, a predator did something to me (not the first time somethign like that happened) and I just froze. I did not say "no" or fight him off, which I would do now?Which makes me wonder why was I unable to just stop these things happening?
Please don't flame me I was recentlya dmitted to hospital for self injury wound getting infected and am still feeling very wobbly.
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AIBU?
Think IABVVVVU, but not sure why i didn't stop him??? i din't want him to do this?? (potential TRIGGER warning)
50 replies
pizzawaffle · 07/07/2020 01:56
OP posts:
Am I being unreasonable?
101 votes. Final results.
POLL
You are being unreasonable
7%
You are NOT being unreasonable
93%
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