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To feel a bit weird about this sexual encounter

(58 Posts)
Jellyoctopus Mon 06-Jul-20 23:26:28

Okay so first off, I want to say that I struggle with intrusive thoughts and catastrophic thinking due to my OCD and being in lockdown with so much time to think has not put me in a great place - I am overthinking any little scenario or memory that comes into my head.

So basically, a little while back I had a drunken fumble with a friend- the whole incident was extremely rash and start to finish lasted no more than 2 or 3 minutes. We were both drunk and had hooked up once before, but during this particular fumble, he did something that I wasn't entirely crazy about but I didn't stop him - as I said, it was just a very drunk and rash encounter but I remember at the time feeling like "ugh, just let him finish what he's doing" even though I felt like a little bit grossed out and uncomfortable about the whole thing. He did say after the fact, "I'm not sure if you were enjoying that or not!"

I am by no means blaming him - he is not a mind reader, I just went along with it and we were both under the influence of alcohol but the past few days I cannot stop thinking about it. As I said, I am overthinking everything at the moment so I suppose I am just posting this in the hopes that other people will tell me that it was just a bad drunken mistake and we all make them!

(Sorry, I feel like I've just totally waffled here - my head is a bit scrambled)

OP’s posts: |
Badassmama Mon 06-Jul-20 23:59:00

Not really enough detail here-
By ‘fumble’ do you mean a full shag?
What was the thing he tried?
How did you both leave things?
I’m concerned that you’re still thinking about it now OP as it sounds like you aren’t ok with it.

Disneyvillain Tue 07-Jul-20 00:03:05

I’m not sure you’re thinking about it is to do with your OCD. You describe him as a friend and say that he did something you didn’t like. I think that’s what is bothering you. You’ve ended up taking part in something you didn’t want to do. It has changed your feelings towards him because you feel disappointed/hurt/angry. I think you should tell him how you feel.

Disneyvillain Tue 07-Jul-20 00:04:37

*your

NellieandRufus Tue 07-Jul-20 00:30:36

It was just a bad drunken mistake and we all make them (well a lot of us do anyway)!

It doesn't sound as though he did anything without your consent, even though you didn't particularly enjoy it. Is that correct?

Can you explain what you're feeling, is it embarrassment or something else?

SoulofanAggron Tue 07-Jul-20 00:44:10

So sorry you had such an experience. I know the feeling exactly.

Ugh!

If, as he said, he wasn't sure if you were enjoying it he could've asked you, and/or stopped. But no, it suited him to carry on doing it, even knowing you might not/probably weren't liking it.
-
A lot of women 'flop' or freeze during such experiences- that you didn't say 'no' doesn't mean you were happy with it.

How're you feeling in yourself now?

I wouldn't be alone with him again in a place that isn't public.

If you feel able, it might help if you went into a little more detail- it may help you to write it out. xxx

SoulofanAggron Tue 07-Jul-20 00:45:56

I am by no means blaming him - he is not a mind reader

He knew though OP. He could tell by your body language/responses. He even said so at the end.

GimmeAy Tue 07-Jul-20 01:00:15

Well unfortunately I'm not a mind reader either, so I've no idea what you're talking about. Anal?

IdblowJonSnow Tue 07-Jul-20 01:01:18

If he felt you weren't enjoying it then he should have either asked you or just stopped.
No, you dont need to say what it is here, its irrelevant.
I wouldn't have any further encounters with him. If you feel its affected your friendship then that's completely understandable and you could either not be friends or back off for a while. And yes, tell him why if you want to. He might learn some respect in future.
Hope you're ok.

Candyfloss99 Tue 07-Jul-20 01:02:43

It's hard to know without giving more detail. Was he doing it to himself or doing it to you?

SoulofanAggron Tue 07-Jul-20 01:09:51

PP's are right that the actual details aren't really relevant.

What you are describing (the freeze or flop) is what a lot of women experience during sexual assault, though.

BeautifulCrazy Tue 07-Jul-20 01:24:00

He did say after the fact,"I'm not sure if you were enjoying that or not!"

If he realised that then he should have stopped and asked if you were ok. It sounds like the alcohol played a massive part in what happened but that’s no excuse for him as he was sober enough to think that maybe you weren’t enjoying it. I think I’d probably want to distance myself from him because I wouldn’t feel I could trust him. You need to do what feels right for you though.
Hope you’re ok.

pizzawaffle Tue 07-Jul-20 02:12:28

Jellyoctopus

Okay so first off, I want to say that I struggle with intrusive thoughts and catastrophic thinking due to my OCD and being in lockdown with so much time to think has not put me in a great place - I am overthinking any little scenario or memory that comes into my head.

So basically, a little while back I had a drunken fumble with a friend- the whole incident was extremely rash and start to finish lasted no more than 2 or 3 minutes. We were both drunk and had hooked up once before, but during this particular fumble, he did something that I wasn't entirely crazy about but I didn't stop him - as I said, it was just a very drunk and rash encounter but I remember at the time feeling like "ugh, just let him finish what he's doing" even though I felt like a little bit grossed out and uncomfortable about the whole thing. He did say after the fact, "I'm not sure if you were enjoying that or not!"

I am by no means blaming him - he is not a mind reader, I just went along with it and we were both under the influence of alcohol but the past few days I cannot stop thinking about it. As I said, I am overthinking everything at the moment so I suppose I am just posting this in the hopes that other people will tell me that it was just a bad drunken mistake and we all make them!

(Sorry, I feel like I've just totally waffled here - my head is a bit scrambled)

Have you told him how you feel? as he is your friend, and someoen you trusted, maybe explian to him that you didn't like his presumptuous behaviour?

pizzawaffle Tue 07-Jul-20 02:13:37

IdblowJonSnow

If he felt you weren't enjoying it then he should have either asked you or just stopped.
No, you dont need to say what it is here, its irrelevant.
I wouldn't have any further encounters with him. If you feel its affected your friendship then that's completely understandable and you could either not be friends or back off for a while. And yes, tell him why if you want to. He might learn some respect in future.
Hope you're ok.

This. I agree with this.

DivineTruth Tue 07-Jul-20 02:32:48

IdblowJonSnow

If he felt you weren't enjoying it then he should have either asked you or just stopped.
No, you dont need to say what it is here, its irrelevant.
I wouldn't have any further encounters with him. If you feel its affected your friendship then that's completely understandable and you could either not be friends or back off for a while. And yes, tell him why if you want to. He might learn some respect in future.
Hope you're ok.

This is nothing to do with respect or blame. It would be just the same to say that if he thought she wasnt enjoying something or wanted to stop then she would have said.

She's said he wasn't to blame. Stop trying to make people think they've been violated in some way, this wasn't what she's saying.

PumpkinP Tue 07-Jul-20 09:57:50

Honestly it just sounds like a drunken mistake and nothing more, no point making it into something else, he was drunk aswell and he clearly did stop when you didn’t like it hence it only lasting a couple of minutes. I would try to move on.

SoulofanAggron Tue 07-Jul-20 09:59:54

It would be just the same to say that if he thought she wasnt enjoying something or wanted to stop then she would have said.

@DivineTruth Starting some sexual acts without asking the person beforehand (or moving very tentatively into it) is not ok. And if you're not sure a person is into something (which he admitted at the end) you stop and ask.

Stop trying to make people think they've been violated in some way, this wasn't what she's saying.

@DivineTruth It can be hard to realize that a friend has not treated us well at all.

SoulofanAggron Tue 07-Jul-20 10:00:46

@PumpkinP He didn't stop until he'd finished what he wanted to do.

arianwe Tue 07-Jul-20 10:04:07

I wouldn't overthink this one.

I think most of us have been drunk and done stupid things and at some point thought urg what is he doing?!

Although you felt uncomfortable and he sensed something was a bit off, he didn't actually know that you weren't enjoying it. You could have said no or stopped him and as he is a friend, it is unlikely that he would have carried on doing it.

I would just pass it off as a drunken mistake and think no more of it, but I do totally understand you feeling grossed out.

CluelessBaker Tue 07-Jul-20 10:07:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. If he wasn’t sure you were enjoying it why did he continue? Decent people don’t continue with sexual acts if they aren’t sure their partner is enjoying it.

SnackSizeRaisin Tue 07-Jul-20 10:13:35

You are not alone in regretting drunken sexual encounters that make you go ugh afterwards. I would put it down to experience and try not to over think it. It's not unusual for one partner to think it was great whilst the other one wishes they hadn't done it.

Some people on the thread are trying to put all the blame on the partner and if course he could have been more explicit in asking you if it was ok to do a certain thing, however in real life I doubt people are asking one another all the way through sex if the other person is still happy to continue. Consent is implied by the fact that you have started off willingly and not said otherwise.

I would take responsibility for my own actions here. Having sex with someone that you are not in a regular relationship with and hence they don't know all of your preferences does require a bit more caution. It's down to each individual not to get so drunk they don't know what they are doing, and to communicate clearly.

Don't allow this to make you feel shame - use it as a learning experience

stophuggingme Tue 07-Jul-20 10:15:38

There’s a difference between participating in something that someone does do quite to your preference - such as oral for example- and someone doing something you don’t want them to do.

If you are also doing something to someone and their displeasure or discomfort becomes evident t as it seems to have been the case here then he should have at least stopped to ask

Don’t cloud these two facts with being drunk. That’s why so many men get away with raping women.

stophuggingme Tue 07-Jul-20 10:16:21

*that someone does not quite do to your preference that should read

ttigerlilly Tue 07-Jul-20 10:20:26

If it's not a "fuck yes" it's a "no"

SnackSizeRaisin Tue 07-Jul-20 10:22:33

If he wasn’t sure you were enjoying it why did he continue? Decent people don’t continue with sexual acts if they aren’t sure their partner is enjoying it.

I don't think this is true at all. There's a big difference between being content to tolerate something because the other person is enjoying it, or even doing something you are not keen on to make them happy, and actively wanting someone to stop doing something.

If I start doing something willingly and then realise I don't like it, it's definitely my responsibility to say something. You can't expect the other person to read your mind, especially if you don't know them well, they are drunk, and they are in the throes of passion!

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