Is this Midwife out of line?

[SistineScreamer]

Curious as to what others would think. My daughter just had her first DC yesterday. She had an elective section and is still in hospital. My daughter is young, she’s 24, Not married (and has no intention to) but been with her DP since they were 16. She’s had some MH issues, stemmed from ex husband of mine. This is all noted in her file and is a manageable, she’s had to come off her medication during the pregnancy because of risks to the baby but she was more than willing to do this. She’s in a private room and not on a ward. All this information is important as I assume this is why she was treated the way she was.

She rang me 30 minutes ago in tears. Telling me one of the midwives assigned to her has been horrible to her. We’ll call her Midwife A.

All this is what she says happened - First, DD had baby in a onsie and bib, midwife A came in and commented that the bib was too big for baby, took baby out of DD’s arms and removed the bib. Even if the bib was too big why completely undermine her like that? Next, DD brought wipes for her face, body etc they were baby brand water wipes as her skin is overly sensitive to anything else. Midwife proceeded to lecture DD that these were wrong and cotton buds must be used with water instead, proceeded to bin wipes then leave the room.

Half an hour later Midwife A came back in to ask DD about her feeding choices. DD was sexually assaulted and does not feel comfortable breastfeeding, her choice. Midwife proceeded to give her the breast is best talk, asking why she wouldn’t consider breastfeeding, basically making her feel like shit for picking formula. DD mentioned she’d purchased a perfect prep machine for the formula (you know the ones that give the perfect shot of hot water at night so you don’t have to faff about with the kettle?) this woman nodded, left the room and came back 15 minutes later with a print out of the perfect prep machine....asking DD to confirm if this was what she was talking about. Nodding and tutting. What the fuck? Even if she wanted to know what DD was talking about, why print it out and bring it to her? Why not look it up herself?

Next issue came with the drip that was in DD’s hand, it was ripping the skin, physically pulling up the skin. She asked Midwife A if she could take it out or change it, to be told no nothing could be done. She’d just have to suck it up. An hour after she was told this another midwife came in, Midwife B, she begged midwife B to take it out and showed her what it was doing to her hand. Midwife B promptly took it out stating that there was no problem. Midwife A came back for her checks, asked DD what happened to the drop. DD explained that midwife B took it out, midwife A mumbled something about how that couldn’t be right and she’d have to check that ‘story’ right away.

DD is still vulnerable after birth, can’t move yet because of the catheter and has to be changed by this woman who she feels uncomfortable with and intimidated by. This woman has to handle her naked, change her sheets and I feel from what she’s saying it’s making her MH worse. She says she feels like Midwife A is talking about her with the other midwife (not B) on duty who she seems friendly with, shared looks, little smirks, off comments.

The looks and such could be DD’s dislike for this midwife raring up. But the rest, is this normal! I feel like she’s over stepped the mark and made my child feel low because of her age and choices. Should we ignore this?

[adele19788]

I would complain if I were her and you. It's disgusting and I hope it doesn't make a happy period upsetting. She sounds out of order

[Popc0rn]

Based on what you've said, I don't think midwife has done anything particularly bad here. Obviously hard to know the tone etc of the way she's said things, but sounds like she's just doing her job really.

If you have concerns, ask to speak to the ward manager.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Breaking it down into small pieces.
Too big bib could be strangulation risk.
Breastfeeding midwives are supposed to encourage breast feeding so are more evangelicals than others.
Perfect prep machines there are concerns that these do not provide sufficiently hot water to sterilise the milk powder.
Wipes - some midwives believe that no wipes are suitable for new born skin and only cotton wool and water should've used.
IV catheters move and alter position over time.
So each individual point not unreasonable, but obviously there are several.
She could asking to speak to the midwife in charge about having her midwife changed to someone who is maybe more used to dealing with a new mother who had your daughters history.

[OneForMeToo]

I’d complain. I’ve been your dd with the snide remarks from the mw. I’ll never forget the cow or how she made me feel so small while also ignoring me. It’s what made me book a home birth for baby two and demand a 2 hour discharge To even attend hospital for birthing with baby three because the home birth team where busy.

[Persiaclementine]

If your daughter doesnt feel comfortable complaining, can you ring on her behalf and explain what had been going on and ask for a different mid wife to be in charge of her care ? Your daughter should feel comfortable after birth not bullied

[SistineScreamer]

Lone, she told Midwife she had personal reasons for not BFing. That should be enough for an abuse victim. Yes Midwife doesn't know that but she's not comfortable divulging it, especially with the MH issues due to her father. The wipes were hers, they weren't for the baby. She wasn't given time to explain this, they were just chucked out. What gives her the right to touch my DD's property? And better yet what gives her the right to take the baby out of her arms? Baby only had bib on for feeding and burping, not constantly on. If it's a risk she could tell her, not undermine her.

[Cocobean30]

I would go in and speak to the midwife myself tbh.

[ShutUpaYourFace]

Hello,
On Postnatal Health topic there is another thread asking about women's experience in hospital after having a baby. Sadly poor treatment seems to be the norm. Possibly well meaning advice can come across as patronising. Some are just rude, either way they should have read your daughter's file and show some sensitivity towards her mental health. When you go visit (I guess you are allowed now) make it clear that your daughter has been made to feel upset. They seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that women are vulnerable and sensitive after childbirth, you would expect more caring! Congratulations on the new member to your family. Hopefully she can get home soon and start enjoying her baby.

[SistineScreamer]

Persi, I'd like to complain or at least talk to someone. DD doesn't want to be around this woman. She doesn't feel safe at her most vulnerable. She feels judged and she feels tiny. I think it is negatively affecting her MH.

[Lockdownseperation]

Your DD needs to ring her buzzer and ask for a PMA midwife or the most senior midwife on duty. She needs to explain what’s happening and say she doesn’t want midwife A looking after her.

As a PP said before there are reasons for the things that have happened but the midwife should have explained them. It’s common for them to keep the cannula in until they have iron levels results back.

[mylittlepony1]

Hopefully her shift will end and you'll get a different midwife soon!

[Nonnymum]

Your daughter is probably very emotional and tired after giving birth. I don't think anything the midwife said or did in itself was wrong. Of course if she sounded aggressive or was rude while saying those things that's different.
Congratulations on the birth of your grandchild.

[RedOasis]

State you no longer have any to deal with her she is being aggressive and dismissive. U don’t need to put up with that. mW sounds like she in wring job with a serious bad attitude

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I would go in and help her complain if that is allowed. If not help her to make the complaint. There are far too many uncaring midwifes on postnatal wards.

[RedOasis]

OR... dtr could ask midwife B what complaints procedure is if staff member making you feel uncomfortable and maybe this would get back to MW A and she will wind her neck in?? She only needs to ask not actually do....

[2155User]

I remember stating on day 1 of giving birth I didn’t want to breastfeed. On day 7 in hospital they were still lecturing me trying to get me to do it. It was a nightmare.

Complain.

Whether the midwife meant wrong or not, they clearly need to learn some bedside manners

[SistineScreamer]

Then you for the congratulations, everyone.

I realise DD is tired, emotional etc But what she's picking up on doesn't sound like normal advice. She has said nothing was explained, just done and that this woman seemed passive aggressive.

My other issue is as well, her MH. The history would have been in her file. I don't expect anyone to tiptoe around her but there doesn't seem to be any understanding here. The BFing issue has been mentioned more than once tho the main one was the 'lecture' she got. I just wonder would she treated like this is she were well and a married 30+ year old woman.

[SistineScreamer]

*thank you

Bloody autocorrect.

[schafernaker]

Are there other issues here? It seems odd that your DD still has a catheter and can’t dress herself when she had her section yesterday. I know at the moment most people are discharged within a day or two of their sections.

It does sound like the midwife is being a little challenging but she is possibly run off her feet and it could just be a tone issue, nothing seems overly harsh.

[Gogogadgetarms]

Absolutely make a complaint about her.
I’ll always remember when we had DD and the midwife criticised the clothes I had brought for her. I’m sure it’s because they were obviously hand me downs.
Numerous times told me off for the fact they didn’t button up down the middle (they went over the head) and that the baby was too cold. It was like a furnace in there. Eventually DH insisted she get the thermometer and her temperature was fine.
DH is quite assertive and she backed down. I hate to think how much worse it would have been if id been alone or particularly vulnerable.

[LittleMsM]

Personally, don't think she was reasonable, on several counts... I think if I would you I would ask her if she'd like you to handle from a far as this is the problem... that in the current situation she's very much alone in this! You don't get on with every midwife. I still remember some things that were said to me just after a traumatic c-section plus if you've already had trauma, it can heighten your sensitivity. Ask her if she wants you to get involved, make some phone calls - PALs might be useful, but it needs to be quick because she'll be out in no time!

[Billyjoearmstrong]

Jesus, poor thing.

I’ve had two awful post natal experiences with midwives. The first time I was 22 and it kickstarted horrific PND.

The second time I was in my 30s and I complained immediately to the supervisor of midwives and had that midwife taken off my ‘care’. I then made a full compliant to to hospital when I got home.

I’m a HCP myself and I’m always appalled with how
Some midwives treat women post natally. It’s like they go out of their way to be nasty.

If I were you I’d call the ward and ask to speak to the ward manager or midwife in charge and demand that she has no more access to your daughter.

[RedHelenB]

I think yabu but as your daughter is feeling vulnerable she thinks she's beingot " picked on". Your daughter is an adult with a baby, I think you need to gently encourage her to be more assertive.

[Sugarhouse]

yes I would complain all women are vulnerable after birth and should be treated kindly and with respect. While I don’t think it is wrong of the midwife to mention any concerns about the bib or perfect prep, breastfeeding etc I think it sounds like she had deliberately done it in an unkind way and like you say she has no right binning the wipes even if they were for baby why not advise she saves them until baby was older.

[SarahAndQuack]

TBH, I would be wondering if she's treating your DD rather patronisingly because she's a younger mother.

I don't think there's anything particularly awful with any of the things the midwife did in isolation (even binning the wipes, though it is a bit OTT), but put them together and it does sound unpleasant. The only one that doesn't strike me as an issue is the thing with the bin - that's not undermining anyone, it's her using her professional knowledge, and as others say, it's a risk.

I think your DD ought to put in a complaint, not so much because any of this is terrible but because if you never say anything, the same things will happen for someone else. That's especially important in the context of the breastfeeding. I know someone who was off her medication for her pregnancy but agreed with her doctor that she would go back on it afterwards and would therefore have to formula feed, and she got no end of grief from her HV who simply couldn't understand this.