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AIBU?

to be annoyed that im 'expected' to have more children?

31 replies

mimi03 · 27/09/2007 10:52

ok so expected may be the wrong word...but the MIL and others keep saying...'its early days yet , u will change your mind' and im thinking no i bloody wont. then the comment was made that 'i think its selfish to only have one child' to which i snapped back ' iam selfish and the idea of going back to square one horrifies me' i said it partly for shock value but partly cos its true. i love my ds more than life itself, butone is enough thanks!

OP posts:

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meemar · 27/09/2007 10:55

Not being unreasonable to be annoyed - why don't people just keep their noses out and opinions to themselves?

Just rise above and learn to tune it out - it will help your blood pressure

mimi03 · 27/09/2007 10:58

lol... i know but ppl have got me questioning myself now and im thinking 'omg what if i really regret it later in life' blah blah...

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Carbonel · 27/09/2007 10:58

People can be so insensitive can't they?

I think I would be tempted to remind them that you are incredibly thankful to have one healty child when you consider the number of childless couples who are desperate for children.

Of course it is not selfish to have only one child - what a horrible thing to say, there is no guarantee that anyone can conceive so to put that pressure on someione is intolerable. There is lots of research that only children do very well at school and in life - cannot point you to any now but if you search MN and google i am sure you will come up with it and hopefully that will shut them up for good!

HonoriaGlossop · 27/09/2007 11:00

YANBU. It's none of anyone else's business!

It being selfish to have only one, is the comment of someone who is just trotting out something they've heard said, and have given it no thought whatsoever. There are many, many advantages to having and being an only, many children thrive on it.

Not that anyone has ever said it to me, but if they were to, I'd say what my good friend said to me when I told her we were only having one "well, why have more, you got it right first time" I thought that was so lovely

You're NOT selfish, you're just enjoying being a mum to your child and you don't want to change that. That is not being selfish.

Don't let them undermine you!

wannaBe · 27/09/2007 11:07

tell them to get stuffed.

My mil has similar attitude to this, although she's never been the one to put pressure on, she certainly has made remarks in the past about only children being a certain type of person, about "well x is an only child so ..." ... you get the picture.

I have an only child and it is likely to remain that way through fertility issues not choice, and the idea that people will still judge me for that makes me very . After all, there are many childless couples out there unable to have any children, at least you have one, and anything else is none of anyone else's business.

meemar · 27/09/2007 11:07

What I find amazing is how narrow people's opinion is of how many children is ideal - i.e. 2

If you have 1 you are 'selfish', if you have 3 you are 'mad', if you have more than three you must be careless with contraception or selfish

MaryAnnSingleton · 27/09/2007 11:08

YANBU - absolutely nobody's business - and one is perfectly ok,if that's what you want. It's what we chose.

mimi03 · 27/09/2007 11:12

meemar that is a very good point ppl do think like that and make judgements like that without even reaising it. and thanks everyone! i hate the idea that i just get swept along with what everyone considers 'normal'. like theres no independant thought involved- ur just doing what everyone else does, because'everyone else does it'

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curiouscat · 27/09/2007 11:20

YANBU, tell them it's better for the environment to have fewer children

crokky · 27/09/2007 11:25

YANBU. It is your choice.

Lorayn · 27/09/2007 11:30

Oh, ignore them.
I must admit I always said after DD that I was never going to have anymore, and am now pregnant with my third, but that is down to lifestyle/relatioship changes, not because I was 'selfish'.
I think it is more selfish to have more children than you feel is right for your family or than you can afford.
I used to think that at least if I only had one at least I could afford the horse/dance/drama etc that she wanted to do, but she dropped out of all of it hahaha.
It is your family and your choice.
YANBU

Elasticwoman · 27/09/2007 11:32

Mimi03 - you are quite right to have no more children than you want, and any one who indicates that you ought to have more is impertinent. Don't worry too much about it though, because you can't please every one whatever you do. It must be v irritating listening to know-it-all Mil who thinks she knows your mind better than you. Yes there are advantages to children having siblings, but there can also be disadvantages. You are not selfish in making your own decision based on your own preference and circumstances. It would be selfish and silly, purposely to have more children than you know you can cope with. The only person who has a right to a say in the matter is your dh.

Elasticwoman · 27/09/2007 11:34

I meant to say, the only other person ....

PrettyCandles · 27/09/2007 11:37

People say stupid things. After we had our secoind my mil kept telling me that two were quite enough. Hah! Quite enough for her - fine. Not me. Anyway, it's none of her business, it's entirely up to dh and me to decide. Interestingly she hasn't said a word about this since no3 was born. I'd be happy to seriously consider a 4th, but I know it wont' happen. Not telling her that though . But I'm glad I held my tongue with her - so many times I very nearly told her where to go.

coppertop · 27/09/2007 11:38

YANBU

Those kinds of comments are neverending. If you do have another and it turns out to be the same gender as the first child you will then get the "But don't you want to have a boy/girl?" (Delete as appropriate). If the 3rd child turns out to be of the opposite sex to the first two children you then get "If you have an odd number then someone's always going to feel left out. You have to have another one to even things out." Gah!

Stick to your guns.

mixedmama · 27/09/2007 12:50

I am the flip side... preg with number 2, and my dad keeps saying "thats it now isnt it" - just keep telling him not his decision.

alicet · 27/09/2007 13:13

YANBU - none of her business.

If you're feeling evil you could just pretend to get really upset and then say 'Actually we have been told we can't have anymore and I'm too upset to talk about it!' That would shut her up sharpish!!! Its a shame to even have to consider this though - why do so many people (and sometimes people who are strangers or only acquaintances!) think that they deserve a say on this subject?!

Having said that I don't think there's anything wrong with having as few or as many children that as you choose - agree with other posters that its far more selfish to bring children you can't afford / cope with into the world and that the only other person whos opinions count here is your dp.

mustsleep · 27/09/2007 13:16

yanbu

i have two and would like another and my mum and mil are like thats it now isn't it there's no more??

well we'll see

imaginaryfriend · 27/09/2007 13:28

I only have one and my family haven't ever questioned that but friends with more than one child seem to find it hard to understand.

In my case I didn't expect to have any so to have even one is a complete bonus! Even though the chances of me conceiving again are about a million to one I think I'd still be happy to settle with dd. I'm so enjoying our time together and I don't want anything to change. I don't think it's selfish, there are pros and cons to having an only child. So long as you're clear on those and you've got the child's best interests at heart it's fine.

I always just answer "I'm happy with what I've got."

mytwopenceworth · 27/09/2007 14:47

Have the number of children that you want, that you can cope with and that you can afford to raise.

And bugger the MIL!

(Not literally, of course)

mimi03 · 27/09/2007 14:52

and you know ive given nice answers likethat before......but this time i think i was a bit rude. there she is again telling me how im gonna change my mind and i just felt so angry.im thinking...how the hell do you know? and thats when i blurted out aload of stuff that must have made me look horrible.

but she also comments on afriend of ours- hes in his mid 30's no girl friend no kids, his 2 brothers are the same....she cannot get her head around th efact that he doesnt want children.

OP posts:

mimi03 · 27/09/2007 14:54

by the way-hello mustsleep, i posted on one of ur threads.

OP posts:

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cmotdibbler · 28/09/2007 13:26

YANBU - and if people keep on about it, I think you are entitled to up the rudeness level as they do the same. We will only have the one child, and I often get people going on about it (including MIL who told DH we were cruel to make DS an only child), and I go from 'its our decision and we're happy with it' to 'how many more miscarriages do you think I should have then?' - which usually shuts them up, but some people never get the message !

slayerette · 28/09/2007 13:32

Well, mimi03, I'll see your 'selfish' and raise you a 'cruel'

That was said to me a couple of years ago and I still feel guilty that they might be right rather than outraged that they felt it was any of their business!

The thought that other people think I'm being cruel to my ds by not having more kids is awful

slayerette · 28/09/2007 13:33

sorry cmotdibbler - see you are also cruel! I just read OP and instantly sympathised so much I had to post.

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