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To be annoyed at a friend because of this

(89 Posts)
Upset11friend Sun 05-Jul-20 00:11:02

Right so basically one of my close friends has had a child during the pandemic and of course I am still yet to meet her properly which is too understandable. However, what I am starting to get quite upset about is the fact that we are allowed to mix in small social bubbles now and I still have not been offered to meet her, it might only be family that have met my friend’s daughter but I should think by now that, given how close we were, that I now would be invited?

My friend does have anxiety, and I have always been there for her when she’s wanted to talk. Even after I had a baby we still did things together on weekends once or twice a month, as well as meeting up between those times for a chat. My friend was always encouraging for us to go for drinks now and again after I had my baby and sometimes I did feel a bit pressured because I didn’t want her to think that our friendship wasn’t important anymore. I just don’t get why I haven’t been invited to meet her little girl officially, I don’t mind being at a distance either, and she’d know this because I’ve never been one to want to hold other people’s babies! I’ve seen my friend and her baby at a distance out once but that’s it. I did offer for them to come around and hang out in the garden, or I come to her, when the restrictions were first lifted and she seemed grateful of the offer, but it hasn’t gone any further at all. I know she might be paranoid of me spreading germs due to the pandemic but surely being her close friend she wouldn’t think of me being so reckless to put myself in a position of catching covid (believe me I take all the precautions when shopping and don’t see other people out of shopping besides from my parents who don’t see anyone else outside of shopping and are ott with hygiene like me!) so I wouldn’t want to meet if I ever thought there was a chance of me having it, and anyway I don’t have to be indoors with them anyway, and don’t even have to hold her daughter, I just want to see her properly and just to have a chat with my friend and catch up!

I’m very worried that even after this pandemic has cleared that our friendship will never be the same. I think she won’t want to do much out of house without her daughter even when the pandemics over. She’s always been a control freak and she’s always been encouraging to do something when it suits her like going for a drink when I’ve said I don’t think I can leave my baby because bla bla bla but it’s always been “oh it’ll be ok” when it suits her. Like she moaned when she had a small hotel room at a family members’ birthday event before with a small uncomfortable bed when she was a few months pregnant but it was fine for me to sleep on a sofa bed when I was 6 months pregnant when we went away for the weekend!

Am I being unreasonable to think that this will affect our friendship and it’ll never be the same?

OP’s posts: |
WhySoSexist Sun 05-Jul-20 00:19:56

I haven't read your OP yet but anything that starts with "right so basically" is going to be a kicker.

ThanosSavedMe Sun 05-Jul-20 00:22:42

If your friendship changes it will be because of your behaviour not your friends.

Everyone is coping with all that is going on in different ways. Your friend is obviously feeling more anxious than you so you need to go at her pace, not yours.

WhySoSexist Sun 05-Jul-20 00:22:57

Ok, I'll be blunt. You're not being unreasonable but neither is she. She's just brought this tiny little human being into the world and has this crazy overwhelming urge to protect it. Every single person on the planet could be carrying this scary unknown illness that could harm her little girl. It's very much not about you, it's not your fault, your friendship is fine, she just needs time to make her little girl a bit stronger.
Try to video chat and call her and stay in touch. Offer to drop things off if she needs them. Just be a good friend and the time will come. I get that it's hard because you're missing her tiny moments but it will be worth it.

Quarantino Sun 05-Jul-20 00:23:31

You have misunderstood the concept of a "bubble".

You are allowed to meet at a distance but many people aren't ready for this yet and logistics can be a nightmare, let alone when you're sleep deprived and trying to get to grips with parenthood. What my close friends feel entitled to wouldn't be the highest of my priorities

ReefTeeth Sun 05-Jul-20 00:25:27

Yabu!

She's given birth, during a pandemic and been in her own bubble for how long?

Are you this self centred with everything hmm

Leaannb Sun 05-Jul-20 00:25:59

From the way you speak of her you don't sound very friendly at all...After all my bestest of friends who I want to.spend time with call me control.freak...Please note the sarcasm

Quarantino Sun 05-Jul-20 00:26:37

i've seen my friend and her baby at a distance out once but that’s it

Wait, so you have met her - what do you think you will do differently to meet the baby "properly"? She won't have learnt any showpieces?!

Disquieted1 Sun 05-Jul-20 00:33:01

She will have had to limit access to her partner's parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews, her family, the health visitors, doctors....
You are quite far down the list and are not the centre of her universe.

Rose789 Sun 05-Jul-20 00:38:03

Have you actually been there for your friend or are you just waiting for an invitation to meet the baby?
If my best friend had given birth during a pandemic I would be offering to do shopping for them, asking if she needs anything, checking in regularly to make sure she was coping, FaceTimed so I could see them both.
You don’t sound like you like her very much to be honest.

sownahsk Sun 05-Jul-20 00:51:34

Doesn't sound like you like her at all to be honest OP. My friend had a baby the day lockdown started. I haven't seen them yet and it honestly hasn't occurred to me to be annoyed. This time has been stressful enough without a newborn baby and a drama lama for a friend 🤨

SwelteringInTheHeat Sun 05-Jul-20 00:56:39

If you don't want to hold her or be close to her, whats the point? Just FaceTime instead.

Your friend has a family, and so does the baby father. They get to "meet" her first.

Designerenvy Sun 05-Jul-20 01:01:37

She has a right to decide who she and her baby have contact with. It's very worrying times for people, and I'd imagine, with a small baby, with an underdeveloped immune system ( like all babies) I'd be very slow to have anyone but close family visit too.
So, yes YABVU. Give her time. Her child has been born in the strangest of times. When this , eventually, blows over, ye will meet up. Just support her at a distance for now and be a friend , don't push her, respect where she is at

SleepingStandingUp Sun 05-Jul-20 01:02:19

How old are you cos you're coking across as about 15 right now.

Message your friend and ask if you can come round for a socially distanced cuppa on X day. Say you'd love to me little Pollyanna properly but of course you'll stay outside. See what she says.

Wait and see how she reacts if lockdown ever ends and accept that people process and experience anxiety over their newborn differently

Alt if you don't like her cos she's pushy and a control freak, don't bother and just let the friendship end

AIMD Sun 05-Jul-20 01:07:14

Your op doesn’t come across well.
It’s your friends choice about if she is happy for people to meet her baby yet or not. You are unreasonable thinking that she should arrange to
Meet up despite being uncertain just because you want to. Why do you need to see the baby? Yea we all like meeting babies but the baby will still be there in a couple of months and you can maintain your relationship with her by phone.

If the annoyance is because she has pressured you into things you did want in the past then maybe you need to focus on becoming more assertive yourself and/or decide if you want a friend who pushes you to do things you don’t want to do.

Merryoldgoat Sun 05-Jul-20 01:41:17

What is all this ‘officially meet’ when it comes to babies?

I had two and found it bizarre if anyone outside of close family was especially interested in them.

You sound high maintenance and like you have lots of ideas about how friendships should be.

jessstan2 Sun 05-Jul-20 01:56:08

WhySoSexist Sun 05-Jul-20 00:19:56
I haven't read your OP yet but anything that starts with "right so basically" is going to be a kicker.
.......
Agree with your sentiments. I did however read the post and none of it was clear.

The baby is still a new born so it is understandable her mother doesn't want a lot of visitors right now, especially as we are only just easing out of lockdown. I don't blame anyone for not taking chances at the moment. There's also the fact that your friend may be constantly feeding, not feeling very well or the baby may be colicky.

If your friend didn't understand life with a baby before, she does now so cut her some slack.

"...don’t see other people out of shopping besides from my parents who don’t see anyone else outside of shopping ...". Er, yes?

AllyBamma Sun 05-Jul-20 02:01:19

So it’s basically all about you and what you want then? She’s just had a baby in the middle of a pandemic and you’re upset because you haven’t met the baby and you’re worried about your friendship? I think you need to have a good look at yourself and grow up.

LividLaughLovely Sun 05-Jul-20 02:03:17

You still aren’t officially supposed to touch the baby, so if you’ve met her from a distance, you’ve met her.

I have a lockdown baby and unless you’ve been in this bonkers position, you’ll never know how utterly terrifying and weird it is.

vodkaredbullgirl Sun 05-Jul-20 02:06:12

You not the friend of a lady who posted here, about friend wanting to meet baby. The op had to wear a mask in the friends house, but she and her family didnt have to?

biglouis Sun 05-Jul-20 02:09:29

This business of "meeting" a new born baby can cut both ways. Many years ago a neighbour with whom I was friendly (but not "best" friends) had a baby. A day or so after the birth I had a conversation with her husband who told me that he had a daughter, all was ok, weight of baby, etc. So I left it at that.

Two weeks later I saw neighbour out with the baby in a pram. When I stopped to speak to her she said she was quite annoyed that I had not "called to see the baby". I told her that I formed the opinion that life with a new baby is hectic enough with two families to come visiting and that they could probably do without a pushy neighbour coming around for a few weeks.

After that our friendship gradually petered out and things became quite cool until they eventually left the area. A new baby may be the center of the universe for the parents and families involved. However for others who have full time jobs and responsibilities of their own it is not necessarily that special an event.

roxfox Sun 05-Jul-20 02:16:37

Come off it.

You're pissed because you had no boundaries during your own pregnancy/post partum and you want your mate to put up with the shit you did! And we are in the middle of a pandemic!! None of my friends - not one has met my baby and none will be until I am comfortable that things have settled or we are past a 2nd wave.

Honestly I don't care if they aren't happy about it. Not my problem bad enough I have to risk having my mum in our bubble let alone anyone else.

user1481840227 Sun 05-Jul-20 02:20:37

Being allowed to meet in a bubble doesn't mean that everyone wants to or is ready for it or that they're in a position to do so.

It basically means that for those people who are at the point where they need the social contact and for them the benefits outweigh the potential risks that they are now allowed to do so.

There's probably loads of women out there who have had babies during this pandemic who are being incredibly cautious.

wildcherries Sun 05-Jul-20 02:46:29

Right, so basically it's all about what you want? Try to take a step back - this isn't about you. This woman had a baby in the middle of a global health crisis. Give her time. This is so self-centered.

CJsGoldfish Sun 05-Jul-20 03:44:42

Is it possible that she's using this current situation as an opportunity to pull away from you? You sound way too intense and needy with weird ideas about how friendship should 'work'.
The way you shoehorn in how 'controlling' your 'friend' is with evidence of wrongdoing seems really petty as well.

Just leave it. Stop obsessing over 'officially' meeting (WTF?) her baby and wait for her to reach out to you

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