MIL not coming to DD 1st birthday party

[Wolfgirrl]

So after creating drama around my daughter's birth, her christening, and our wedding date, MIL has now decided to be awkward about my daughter's 1st birthday party.

MiL has 2 sons, one being my fiance. Other lives at the opposite end of the UK with SiL and their 2 kids.

It is DD's 1st birthday in a few weeks, we have said for a while we will be having a family party for her. It has been a really rough year for us, I was very unwell and had to spend time in a mother and baby unit (severe postnatal OCD) then once I got home COVID hit and we have been cooped up ever since. I know DD wont know it is her birthday but it is also about us creating some nice memories and celebrating getting through the year (even if it is an outdoor distanced picnic).

PIL initially said they would come. Now the date is drawing closer, theyve backtracked and stopped responding to texts asking them if they can make it, etc. DP phoned a few days ago and MIL said they wanted to see BIL and his family that weekend so waiting to see if lockdown permits it. If not presumably we are second choice. She said DD is only 1 so won't know.

AIBU to think that isnt the fucking point? BIL's wife is a SAHM and the kids are off until September so they can choose any weekend, or weekdays if they want. Apparently BIL invited them up which doesnt surprise me, I have long suspected he resents the fact he isnt the only one with children now so we can't work around him any more.

Just so pissed off. We can never just arrange something and have them reply 'Lovely, we will be there.' It feels like a power struggle that we should always be the ones to work around them. Am I right to be annoyed?

[namechange30000]

Just leave them to it. Don't invite them to things, let them ask you if you're free first and then it's up to you if you want to see them or be busy.

Glad you're getting better, pnd is absolutely brutal.

[Sunnydayshereatlast]

So now you know.
You aren't her priority.. Stop making her yours.
Enjoy your dd with your dp and your family. My mil never wanted to be part of my dc's lives. Her loss.
Less people to figure into your plans.
Win win.

[RubieRose]

You're right to be annoyed, but you can't force people who don't want to be there to come.

Harsh, but true!

Just stick to the original plan and ignore them, it's them who are missing out.

[ScrapThatThen]

Sounds annoying. But live your life despite them, let them love your dd and dh in their own fashion but lower your expectations of them and don't get caught up in the competition. 'Well we'd love to see you but of course we understand if you can't come this time.' Send them a nice photo. Enjoy your day.

[ButteryPuffin]

Never work around them again. Always just assume you'll be second choice and do what you want. Will your DH be on board with that?

[thistimelastweek]

You are describing family dynamics i don't recognise or understand.
Let them get on with it. Issue invitations just like they are normal people. If they fail to respond like normal people, don't rise to it. Don't fight what you can't change. It's their loss in the long run.

[Teacaketotty]

@Sunnydayshereatlast has put it exactly right!

You know where you stand, it’s them that will be missing out. Treat people how they treat you.

Enjoy your DD’s birthday x

[LockdownDowner]

I think you should relax and make the most of the party - so what if they will not be there? Does it matter, it's their loss.

[Qwicky]

Well, if she has always been vile maybe it's a good thing she isn't coming!
Round up the people you want there and sod the rest. Don't contact MiL about it again, certainly don't chase her. If it's a power struggle she wants, take the power out of her hands.

[FlaskMaster]

Uninvite them. "Totally understand you can't commit, but as we need to confirm numbers now to prepare the cake/food/arrangements, we'll count you out. [made up friends] have been asking for ages to see us, so it's a nice to do that. We'll see you another time. I'll let you know when it's convenient [when hell freezes over]. Done.

Life's too short to always be feeling disappointed, or worrying about what they are or aren't doing and why. They've shown you who they are. Don't expect better, expect more of the shame shit and treat them accordingly. They can only ruin your plans and stress you out about their presence if you keep letting them do so time after time. Every invite is another opportunity for them to show you the finger or piss you about. Draw a line. Never discuss changing dates, X is happening on X date. If you need to plan ahead so they have to commit in advance and they won't, uninvite them. If it doesn't matter in terms of planning if they're coming or not, don't text them every 5 minutes to check they're still coming. Tell them once and if they come, they come.

[Gogogadgetarms]

Go ahead with your plans. If they don’t come that’s up to them. Their loss is your joy.
BIL probably did do it on purpose. I’d just let that go. Not worth the argument.
Stop sending them reminder texts. They probably love the fact it’s getting to you.
Your DD will still have a lovely day.

[Iwonder08]

What does your DH think? I would let him deal with that. Don't initiate the invites ever again. Your PIL don't sound like good people

[AnotherEmma]

YANBU to be annoyed, but YABU in your expectations, I think. It's painful but you have no choice to accept that this in how your in-laws are. To be honest, it's probably better if they don't come, given their history of creating stress around big events in your life.

I sympathise because I have difficult in-laws, but I think it's easier when you stop hoping or expecting them to behave differently. It's not going to happen.

I found the book "toxic in-laws" by Susan Forward helpful, worth a read.

Have a lovely day for your DD's birthday, btw. We had a tough first year for DS and threw a party for his first birthday which was definitely a celebration for us (his parents), I felt it was a real achievement to have got through the year and it was lovely to mark it.

[Tinamou]

YANBU- I would be very hurt in these circumstances.

[Davespecifico]

You’ve dodged a bullet there as you don’t get on anyway.
Beware though, that if they get a whiff that you’ve accepted they’re not coming, they’ll start pretending they’d wanted to come all along and it’s just you being funny with dates. So no drama, no comments regarding them not coming, just hold the event without them.

[pigsDOfly]

You'll have a lovely day with your DH and your beautiful baby.

They'll be the ones missing out.

Don't remind them again as it sounds very much like they're enjoying the whole 'maybe we'll come, maybe we won't' thing. And yes, it does sound like a power struggle.

Leave them to it and don't engage any further.

[slipperywhensparticus]

make sure you let them know your taking it for granted they arnt attending now and when they change their mind tell them its too late

[FelicityPike]

Two words.....fuck them!

[Bowerbird5]

Just enjoy the time with your child. It will be a more relaxed affair now.
Have fun.

[Janaih]

This is shit but beyond your control. Focus on the decent people in your life.

I'm sure you'll have a lovely day.

[Mistlewoeandwhine]

They are all definitely being horrible. Be glad they aren’t coming. Do your own thing and don’t invite them in future. Make sure you put up a couple of photos of other friends or family members laughing and having fun on social media.

[Itsjustabitofbanter]

Don’t invite them to anything in future op. And if they ask why they weren’t invited to something actually tell them why

[Funnyface1]

Just get on with your own stuff and leave them to it. You've invited them so they can't get mad. Don't ask them again. Same for all future events, invite once then do what suits you.

[IWantT0BreakFree]

You can’t change other people, you can only change the way you respond to them.

My advice would be in future to ask/invite once. Don’t keep chasing them. I know it’s tempting because you want them to commit, but don’t. Let them either show up or not. Don’t ever make plans that rely upon them. Make sure you can always carry on without them if necessary. And then RELAX. Don’t worry about them. If they don’t make the effort it’s their loss. You have been through so much, you don’t need to prioritise anyone else. Just enjoy your little family and focus on the people who actually matter.

[Longwhiskers14]

Is this the same SIL who was going to go on holiday on your wedding date and kicked up a fuss? I'm wondering if you've got a SIL issue rather than a MIL one, as it always seems that if your PIL can't make something it's because BIL and SIL have suggested doing something. Have you ever suspected your SIL is jealous of you?