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Other half wants me to pay for his daughters holiday

(300 Posts)
HereToLetOffBurdens Fri 03-Jul-20 14:08:05

We’ve been together 10 months. I recently had an abortion, which killed me as it was as he already has a daughter with his ex, so you can imagine how I was already feeling about the fact that he didn’t want my baby but wanted hers. Anyway, his reasoning behind the abortion was that we hadn’t had enough time together as a couple, we hadn’t really had a proper holiday together etc, which I completely Agreed with. Our holidays got cancelled due to covid, but now we are going to book one for a couple of weeks time. You can imagine my confusion when he says we can go away this year and take his daughter, but then can’t afford another holiday for just the two of us. I understand him wanting to make memories with his little girl, but not being able to go away us two- when we aborted a child because he wanted us two to do more together?! Felt like a kick in the teeth. Now the time has come to book the holiday, and he’s asked me to pay half of the cost for his daughter. Am I being unreasonable? He’s saying I’m selfish etc but honestly I don’t think I’m doing l anything wrong? She isn’t my child to fund, but never the less recently I have spent lots on her buying her new clothes and giving them to her mom etc as her mom is also struggling with her growing out of her clothes. I just can’t help but feel so downhearted about it all, plus the fact the holiday is with another family, I feel my idea of relaxing and holiday is not to be running around after children, that is not what I want to pay a lot of money for

OP’s posts: |
Sunnydayshereatlast Fri 03-Jul-20 14:10:06

Imo taking time out from your relationship will give you time and space for some self care and healing.
Not sure if your relationship is right for you op...

Soubriquet Fri 03-Jul-20 14:10:22

Yanbu

I wouldn’t want to pay

thegcatsmother Fri 03-Jul-20 14:11:22

Get rid of him.

You do not need to pay half the cost for his daughter - that is his responsibility.

OldEvilOwl Fri 03-Jul-20 14:11:59

YANBU at all. Do you live together?

StudyBuddy Fri 03-Jul-20 14:12:04

Honestly, I can understand why you shouldn't be having a child together. You clearly haven't sorted out any of the important things you should before making that commitment. Clearly he wants you to involved with his child and you don't want to be - that would be a deal-breaker for a lot of parents. Equally, you want to be financially separate, maybe he doesn't? If you don't want to go on holiday with children then it seems odd that you want to have a child - were you planning on leaving them behind?
You're in a relationship with a man with a child. He has a child. If you can't accept that and be involved then don't be with him. She was there first and she's his priority. That's what being a good dad means. It's that simple.
I highly doubt that this is about the money for the ticket, it's about your attitude towards his daughter and children.

Beebeet Fri 03-Jul-20 14:12:31

Tbh I would cut ties and find someone without children already, he will (rightly) always put her first, and he will (rightly) spend a lot of time with her, which means you likely will too. Great if that's the life you want, absolutely crap if it isn't.

ChrissyPlummer Fri 03-Jul-20 14:12:47

Run far, run fast. No way would I pay for someone else’s child to go on holiday. Do you live together? Get rid and go on holiday with a friend (as soon as you’re able to).

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness Fri 03-Jul-20 14:13:39

Wow. This has red flags all over it. From what you've written, it sounds like he's using you.

Do you live together, does he pay his fair share? Why are you buying clothes for his child - I know what you said but she's not your responsibility, you barely know her, surely? Does he do his fair share of housework?

Not surprised it feels like a kick in the teeth.

Andromache77 Fri 03-Jul-20 14:13:58

Honestly, this is not a good relationship. He made you have an abortion but you pay for his child's clothes and holidays? No, that's not normal, you should not be responsible for someone else's child, he and mother are the only ones who should. And you've only been together less than a year. Just cut your losses and leave him.

ConstanceSalinger Fri 03-Jul-20 14:14:18

I'm sorry you feel you were bullied into an abortion. I hope you're not living together but if you are use your holiday money to move out and find your own space, and then dump him. He sounds like more hassle than he's worth.

SociallyDistantPenguin Fri 03-Jul-20 14:15:43

It's only been 10 months! Why isn't he paying for his daughters clothes himself never mind her holiday!

HappyHammy Fri 03-Jul-20 14:15:49

I would not go away with him and his dd or pay anything towards it. Maybe some time away from him might help you assess your relationship and if its right for you. There is no need for you to buy any clothes for his dd. He is responsible for her care not you.

Hailtomyteeth Fri 03-Jul-20 14:16:11

You go, alone. Leave him for good. You've seen his commitment to you and it doesn't match with what he expects from you.

AryaStarkWolf Fri 03-Jul-20 14:16:25

You're in a relationship with a man with a child. He has a child. If you can't accept that and be involved then don't be with him. She was there first and she's his priority. That's what being a good dad means. It's that simple.

They've been together less than a year and he's demanding she pays towards his child......you think that's right?

audweb Fri 03-Jul-20 14:16:59

If he and his ex are struggling to afford one child between them then it was responsible for him to not want to bring another child into the world. I’m someone who fell pregnant quickly into a relationship - it’s not easy, and although I wouldn’t change it now, we’re not together and he wasn’t wrong thinking it was too quick. He shouldn’t be letting you buy his kid clothes or wanting to pay for the holiday. Cut your losses and end this. It doesn’t sound right for you in anyway, and it’s not going to get easier.

VettiyaIruken Fri 03-Jul-20 14:17:01

He is taking the absolute piss.

And if I am understanding correctly, he pressured you into an abortion you didn't completely want and now wants you to play happy families with the child he did want - he is a total twat and you should get rid of him.

Sunnyjac Fri 03-Jul-20 14:17:06

It doesn’t sound like you get much from this relationship, it sounds very one-sided towards him. How much did you want the abortion and how much was it his decision? Don’t pay anything for his daughter, that’s entirely his responsibility. I’d be questioning where this relationship is heading if he feels you can’t have a child together yet but you can pay for his. Probably time for some soul searching about what you really want, then a frank discussion with him.

“ I have spent lots on her buying her new clothes and giving them to her mom etc as her mom is also struggling with her growing out of her clothes. “

Errr why isn’t he doing this?!

Aquamarine1029 Fri 03-Jul-20 14:17:45

Run as far away from this one as you can. 10 months in, he has already pressured you to have an abortion, and now he thinks you should pay for his daughter's holiday. He is a controlling cocklodger in the making. Don't be foolish enough to waste one more day with him.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness Fri 03-Jul-20 14:18:19

It does sound like you're good enough to pay towards the costs of raising his DD, but not good enough to have another child with. I wouldn't tolerate this. Do you think it's likely to get better? At 10 months, most couples are still in the honeymoon period.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel Fri 03-Jul-20 14:19:32

StudyBuddy

Honestly, I can understand why you shouldn't be having a child together. You clearly haven't sorted out any of the important things you should before making that commitment. Clearly he wants you to involved with his child and you don't want to be - that would be a deal-breaker for a lot of parents. Equally, you want to be financially separate, maybe he doesn't? If you don't want to go on holiday with children then it seems odd that you want to have a child - were you planning on leaving them behind?
You're in a relationship with a man with a child. He has a child. If you can't accept that and be involved then don't be with him. She was there first and she's his priority. That's what being a good dad means. It's that simple.
I highly doubt that this is about the money for the ticket, it's about your attitude towards his daughter and children.


What a load of rubbish!! She has known him for 10 months !!

I am a step mother. I pay for MY children and DH pays for HIS... when they are with us and her mother pays with the help of CM when they are with her. In all large financial commitments.. and we have been married for years !

CalmdownJanet Fri 03-Jul-20 14:20:55

Well you are only together 10 months so throw his line back at him "We aren't together long enough for me to financially contributing to your child"

That said I think you should dump him, the holiday and the abortion are separate things but I think after 10 months there is too much going on here, leave him, he doesn't sound very nice anyway

justilou1 Fri 03-Jul-20 14:21:01

No no no no no and HELL NO

CuppaZa Fri 03-Jul-20 14:21:19

Get rid!

MoominKitty Fri 03-Jul-20 14:21:34

@StudyBuddy WTH? The op hasn't said she doesn't want to be a part of his daughters life! P.s good dad's don't make their girlfriends pay for their original kids!

Only two people are obliged to pay for a child, their mum and dad! Step parents are not there to top up funds!

In the Kindest way this relationship doesn't sound like it will work long term, it sounds like you're just being used financially and your needs and wants are put on a back burner.

After 10 months you should only really be being introduced to the child, not paying for her day to day care or holidays!

I'm really sorry you had to end your pregnancy, you deserve so much more.

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