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Constantly discussing money. Weird?

(29 Posts)
TikTock Thu 02-Jul-20 08:16:38

I am convinced my dsis has issues. She’s a type A control freak when it comes to a lot of things, but money is the main issue, I’ve never known anybody quite like her if I’m being honest.

She has always felt the need to talk about money in front of me, especially when it comes to how much money she spends on my nephews ie for Christmas birthdays, how much she spends on their clothes etc. She also feels the need to tell me how much she has in savings, how much her holidays cost, how much she saves each week for certain things, how much her bills are etc. AIBU to think this is not normal?

Everything with her is a competition especially when it comes to our kids. When my dc has birthdays and at Christmas she’s always asking what they’ve got and how much money they got. Not just in like a cute way either like asking a toddler what did Santa bring, oh no she wants details of everything. Even my dc have commented and said why she always asks. It’s like she has to make sure her kids have more than mine and better stuff than mine which is ridiculous. My dc have everything they need and some of what they want and I’m happy with that as I want my dc to be appreciative for what they have and to realise you can’t always get what you want as that’s not the way the world works. My nephews however are very spoiled and always expect to get something when they go out and don’t always show appreciation. Don’t get me wrong it’s up to my dsis how she does things with her own kids but she is so obsessive and it makes me anxious and awkward at times sitting their listening to her.

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hardyloveit Thu 02-Jul-20 08:18:44

Have you asked her why she constantly talks about money to you?

SeasonFinale Thu 02-Jul-20 08:20:26

Exaggerate either way. They got a penny or they got a million. Maybe then she will realise it is none of her business and how ridiculous she sounds.

Pinkkgaga Thu 02-Jul-20 08:20:29

Extremely bad taste. I wouldn’t tell anyone how much I earn or how much my things cost. I also think people that ask these questions apart from family are very cheeky.

TikTock Thu 02-Jul-20 08:20:51

You can’t really ask her anything as she gets so defensive. She isn’t wealthy but she isn’t struggling either and has the money to spend like she does, but I have much wealthier friends who wouldn’t dream of discussing how much they spend.

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TikTock Thu 02-Jul-20 08:25:00

Our DP’s are very similar so maybe she just learnt it from them. We grew up hearing our parents argue about money yet they always managed to clothe and feed us well have multiple holidays abroad etc. But my DPnhad to give us the best of the best and went over the top when it came to Christmas and birthdays etc. But they argued a lot and had a turbulent relationship so I suspect they were over compensating there. I have no desire to put that much pressure on myself to provide “the best” for my kids. Don’t get me wrong they have enough and are like most other kids their age but we can’t afford expensive holidays abroad, we don’t have a brand new car, spend unnecessarily on crap etc.

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Ellisandra Thu 02-Jul-20 08:28:18

So, you know it’s weird, and you have a pretty reasonable theory about it stemming from your upbringing. So what’s the actual question? Whilst I get that her behaviour is frustrating, it seems a bit mean to take to the internet to moan about her. Tell you won’t be engaging in that sort of conversation, and tell her that your children have already picked up on it and that is part of why you won’t be drawn on it.

TikTock Thu 02-Jul-20 08:31:13

I understand what you’re saying but my dsis isn’t on here and I’m allowed to vent like every other OP on here. I guess I just struggle to understand why she feels the need to behave like this. I mean I was raised with the same parents and I’m not like this so it can’t just be that.

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Mummiepig Thu 02-Jul-20 08:34:56

I have ASD, money is one of my obsessions, I try so hard not to talk about it because I know it’s not really the done thing but it’s so difficult, everyone has different interest, I’m not saying she has asd but maybe it’s just a bit of an obsession.
Some people can’t stop talking about their hobby or their kids, maybe just try and change the subject

Turnedouttoes Thu 02-Jul-20 08:36:27

I have a family member like this. They’re someone who got themselves into huge debt by buying a lifestyle they couldn’t afford and were obsessed with showing off how much money they supposedly had.

Every time I saw them they would ask how much money I was earning now and what I was expecting to get as a bonus that year and then discuss what they thought of it. In my early twenties I was earning an extremely high salary for my age and it was so awkward having them ask about it. Such odd behaviour

TikTock Thu 02-Jul-20 08:39:57

To be honest I have wondered if she could be autistic. It does run in our family, and surprising only in girls. But I’m not sure. She has a good job, is sociable but you rarely get a word in edge ways and when you do she will turn the conversation back to her and doesn’t listen.

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Love51 Thu 02-Jul-20 08:41:21

@Mummiepig that's interesting. I had never really thought about when obsessions for people with autism fall outside the realm of the acceptable. That must be hard!

TikTock Thu 02-Jul-20 08:43:38

Yeah I can’t understand why people would get themselves into debt like that. If I can’t afford something at a particular time then I won’t get it, I’ll save up and get it at later date.

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Mummiepig Thu 02-Jul-20 08:46:22

It is, say I got a new coat and my mum says “oh that’s a nice coat is it new?” My natural response would be “yeah I got it in next it was in the sale only £30” where as I’m trying to train myself to just say “yeah it’s new, it’s so warm”
It doesn’t sound that bad but I do it with everything from a sandwich/bottle of wine, a mobile phone contract or even a new car, I have to comment on the price
And I always keep my back account ending in .00 because I can’t stand odd amounts
It’s very weird I know

Mummiepig Thu 02-Jul-20 08:49:22

*bank account

ssd Thu 02-Jul-20 08:55:10

I have a relative like this. Every conversation is about how poor they are. I've obviously known her all my life. I know her circumstances. I know she has at least 10 times our money as her parents had a successful business and she got everything.
But she seems to have no clue that I might see her moaning as boasting eg. Oh we can't afford to go to sainsburys, then 10 mins later, we're going to the Bahamas again this June... When we haven't been abroad for years..

Some people have no self awareness.

Choice4567 Thu 02-Jul-20 09:08:47

@mummiepig not that weird! Very understandable and it must be hard to retrain not to talk about

I don’t have ASD, but I like to have my bank balance ending in 0. I always imagine people working at the bank seeing me move pennies between accounts to even it out and thinking I’m mad

TikTock Thu 02-Jul-20 09:10:59

Having Asd it’s perfectly understandable how people would have certain ways or little obsessions as that’s part of them and their condition so don’t feel bad.

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Cramitmaam Thu 02-Jul-20 09:12:55

I think about money quitr a lot, for various reasons (mainly because I feel like I don't have enough of it lol) So as it is on my mind I do sometimes bring it into conversation. But I do so in a general sense - I wouldn't dream of telling someone how much I earnt, or questioning them about their own finances. That's rude and makes people feel uncomfortable.

Mummiepig Thu 02-Jul-20 09:15:47

Even if it’s not ASD it’s some kind of habit she has formed, maybe best to try and ignore it and not comment then change the subject, she might not realise what she is doing, gradually she might get the hint

Onemorerep Thu 02-Jul-20 09:29:04

I had a friend like that. I think she (mistakenly) thought I was loaded because of what I do for work and that talking about money would impress me when really I couldn't care less. It was always things like "my wedding cost £25k so far", "we bought this for the house and it cost £5k", "we're looking at moving and our budget is £x", "I got a bonus of £x", "I spent £x on DP at Christmas". She would also ask me how much things cost like my new kitchen or my holidays or what I spent on DP at Christmas or say things like "can't hide money" when all I'd done is book my annual holiday when she herself was used to three a year. It felt like a one way competition I didn't even know I'd entered and made me feel awkward. Not once did I raise money with her or offer up how much I spent on anything, I'm always of the view that money is a personal thing. Some people just seem to have a thing about money and I'm not sure why. I didn't like it and wouldn't engage in those conversations but as it happened, the friendship was toxic on other levels and have since distanced myself which is a relief.

All that said, if I get a great bargain on a new jumper or make up or whatever, I can't help but telling people OMG I got 25% off can you believe it?!

TikTock Thu 02-Jul-20 09:38:26

Oh yeah I get what you’re saying. I’ve commented on things like bargains I’ve picked up say in the Next clothing sale and I’ve occasionally moaned ok skint if we’ve had an unexpected expense like last year when our boiler broke and when our car needed a big repair. But that’s as far as it goes.

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MatildaTheCat Thu 02-Jul-20 09:39:04

I have a family member a bit like this. She comes from a poor background but has been very comfortable for decades now. More well off than most of the family. She’s very generous BUT will always mention the cost. A lovely joint of beef for lunch? ‘From the local butcher, cost a fortune.’ Sent a present? ‘I hope it arrives, I paid £20 extra for delivery.’

It’s a bit irksome especially for the less well off, she thinks nothing of going on and on about expensive holidays and purchases in front of people who haven’t had a holiday at all.

But we love her and it’s not intentional I think but does stem from insecurity.

We just ignore and I suggest you do the same. Bat away queries about gifts with vague replies or ignore. It hasn’t made her stop but we don’t feed it.

ainsisoisje Thu 02-Jul-20 09:53:50

My dad is obsessed with how much things cost and will always ask us how much things are. Its an odd habit and a control thing.

Valkadin Thu 02-Jul-20 10:01:02

Why can you not tell her to shut up about it? Whether you choose to do it in a caring nice way or tell her to shut the fuck up? What is stopping you being direct?

You can’t change her behaviour only your reaction.

I have a lot of sisters, one was really going on about x constantly. I took a kind and middle ground and changed the conversation often. She had become obsessive as unwell, due to her being widowed so I did it in a nice way.

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