Games consoles coming between relationship?

[Wingingit2020]

I won't pretend being stuck at home because of Covid-19 hasn't been mind numbingly boring at times, it's just me and my husband (husband 32, i'm 33) who have both been fortunate to be able to work still but there are limited activities to do in the evening. But husband has become somewhat 'addicted' to his playstation. He will play it nearly every evening, for hours on end, headset on and zoned out of any reality whilst leaving clothes, mess, washing up etc to pile up and me, the maid, will clear up. It has been going on for a number of months.

I had a teary day the other day, i'm struggling financially, job is at risk, feeling quite lonely and so on so asked husband in the morning if we could do something together that evening as i've not seen him properly for a few weeks due to work, he has been getting home late and he'll go on the playstation but low and behold, gets home from work and goes straight on to the playstation and there he stays.

The playstation I can tolerate most of the time, I get that there isn't much to do at the moment but when he chooses his virtual reality world over actual reality I find it a big relationship block. Husband will throw money at me saying "go and buy yourself something nice" but that's not what i'm after. I just want a evening where we can do something together and the fact that I was having a cry and it didn't make any difference and it does makes me wonder how much he really cares.

We only married last year and I feel our connection slipping away rapidly.

Does anyone have any ideas on what to do, talking to him about how it bothers me in certain times doesn't work, so what will?

[Shoxfordian]

It doesn't seem like he wants much to do with you. Do you have date nights or do things together at the weekend? I don't think you can fix this, it's his choice and he isn't prioritising you. Sorry op

[Wingingit2020]

@Shoxfordian No - we have a dinner booked at the end of July but the weekends are the same. The weekend just gone I had a bbq prepared and cooked for him with processco and strawberries for when he walked in from work. Afterwards he went on the playstation. He worked on Saturday for a family member, I went and sat with him whilst he worked just to spend some time with him as he was working alone all day / helping by driving to tool shops and carrying things around. I'm not sure what to do.

[Shoxfordian]

Have you had a really candid conversation about how unhappy you feel? If he really understands that and still spends all his time on the console then I think you know where you stand.

[NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner]

Putting aside he should have the ability to self manage.... Let's assume he is incapable of doing that.

You're putting yourself up against something that in all likelihood you won't win against by berating or shaming him into 'wanting' to spend time you, it's a waste of time. You'll look even more like the face of bad news and inwardly he'll crave even more time on it. A console is the prefect friend, it doesn't answer back, doesn't need to be considered, can be picked up as and when. You're never going to get him to change, it has to come from him.

He should want to be there for you when you're down, clearly you feel he's not. It could be case: that he genuinely doesn't care, didn't think it was that bad, thought you were being overly dramatic, didn't notice. Who knows....

You could lay down the law and tell him to buck his ideas up, but be prepared for him carrying on the same, or you could be realistic and know this is probably only going to lead to a further distancing between you.

Only you realistically know if he genuinely is ignoring you or you were being a bit needy that day. I know plenty of couples where there's no issue with gaming, the respect is all-round. The problem is not the console (it could easily be cycling, football, socialising), it's the other half's inability to self manage, lack of empathy, selfishness, or they're coasting in the relationship.

Don't be a martyr, cook and wash for yourself and leave him to it, let him act like a child whilst you get you shit together and get yourself ready for a life without him.

Bleak I know, but what else is the alternative? Put up with it?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I had a teary day the other day, i'm struggling financially, job is at risk, feeling quite lonely and so on so asked husband in the morning if we could do something together that evening as i've not seen him properly for a few weeks due to work, he has been getting home late and he'll go on the playstation but low and behold, gets home from work and goes straight on to the playstation and there he stays.

Did you go over and say. "Are you coming to hang out?". I know you shouldn't have to but I'm wondering what he would have done.

[vanillandhoney]

You have a husband problem here.

Don't let yourself become second best to a hobby.

[burnoutbabe]

what are you actually suggesting you do together in the evenings? watch movies or tv or just sit there being together?

[Wingingit2020]

@NobodyPuttsBabyinCorner to put it this way, I've cried 3 times during lock-down. First in April when my Mother had a heart attack, secondly when I first found out about my job being at risk of redundancy in May and then the other night it all hit me and realised how lonely I've felt, the next morning I had a cry and was honest with my feelings and said i'd appreciate if every now and then we could do something and it was agreed we'd do something that evening. I probably was coming across needy as it had got on top of me but I hadn't asked anything of him until then but it fell on deaf ears. I was sitting in the kitchen aimlessly scrolling through my phone about 9.30pm, he came to the kitchen to grab a drink and I said how upset I was, he gave me a brief apology and went straight back on to the playstation.

[Wingingit2020]

@burnoutbabe I don't know, maybe cook together, eat dinner in the garden together, go for a walk/picnic, watch a film, play a game, have sex (big thing of the past), who knows. Does it really matter what it is? Just not the playstation 7 days a week 6pm - 1am

[CurtainsOpen]

What is the MN obsession with consoles. Just say to your DH to do the washing up, hoovering, whatever the fuck, cos you're going out for the day.

If he's real, he's sat on the PS4 all dayt cos he's a) bored, b) vacuous enough to think that cleaning jobs are yours. Just tell him. Like fucking hell, don't you ever talk to each other?

[Menora]

I honestly think you need to be very firm with him that this is not working for you and he is being very selfish and neglecting your relationship.

You also may need to prepare for what you are going to do if he doesn’t listen to you and makes no changes, and follow through with it

[Goosefoot]

Sounds like he is an addict - not uncommon. I'm afraid many people don't accept the reality of gaming addiction but it is closely related to gambling addiction. But because they don't think it is a thing it is difficult to address.

[burnoutbabe]

The Last of Us 2 is just released, biggest game of the year, its normal to want to play it.

he is not going to change (though clearly should tidy up after himself). I wouldn't particular be thrilled to be told NO GAMING when there was nothing else particually to do anyway.

He should have given you a sit down and a chat when you said you were miserable and discussed that for a short period of time. that was rude not to (unless i suppose in middle of arranged match with mates that he couldn't get out of asap, but then he could say he'd be done in 30 mins)

[ThePlantsitter]

The difference between normal hobbies and gaming is that gaming is addictive. If he is playing late into the night, later than he planned, not getting enough sleep, etc it's an addiction as well as an annoying habit.

My H is a pain for this and it is because it's an escape. I find asking him directly 'is this what you want to be doing or do you want to hang out with me?' is a good clarifying question. I mean, if the answer is always the first one, it might be time to go.

[TheBusDriver]

Or here is an idea, find a game you both can play and have some fun.

[vanillandhoney]

@ThePlantsitter

The difference between normal hobbies and gaming is that gaming is addictive. If he is playing late into the night, later than he planned, not getting enough sleep, etc it's an addiction as well as an annoying habit.

My H is a pain for this and it is because it's an escape. I find asking him directly 'is this what you want to be doing or do you want to hang out with me?' is a good clarifying question. I mean, if the answer is always the first one, it might be time to go.

Plenty of hobbies are addictive. Cycling, running, training in the gym, golf - all sorts. I wish people wouldn't blame the hobby - it's the fault of the person participating at the end of the day. Yes, games are designed to be addictive but a grown man should be more than capable of realising how much time he's spending on it and taking a break.

I also don't think a question that basically says "pick me over your hobby" is going to go down well.

[Wingingit2020]

Thank you everyone. Just to clarify, i've not or ever given a playstation "ban" I just asked for one evening of us time, but that seems too much to ask

[Chesneyhawkes1]

My DH does this too. Stays up playing it til 2/3am and then isn't up til 10.30 ish the next day.

Mostly I don't care. But some days I get a bit fed up of waking up at a "normal" time on my own. Having my coffee. Walking the dogs on my own etc. I'm off work so not really seeing many people and my usual hobby I can't do at the moment. I just feel lonely now and then.

[FenellaVelour]

The Last of Us 2 is just released, biggest game of the year, its normal to want to play it.

30ish hours gameplay, it can’t just be this one game he’s playing.

It’s unreasonable to be doing this every night, for sure. You’re going to need to be quite assertive with him (I know you shouldn’t have to) but it seems at the moment you’re not pushing things with him, rather sitting in the kitchen resenting him. Communication sounds really poor between you.

It isn’t great though, no sex, no affection after only a year.

[Wingingit2020]

@FenellaVelour sadly it is one game (call of duty). There is a group of his friends that log-in at the same time every day and there they play, screaming down the headsets, playing match after match.

[vanillandhoney]

@Wingingit2020

Thank you everyone. Just to clarify, i've not or ever given a playstation "ban" I just asked for one evening of us time, but that seems too much to ask

It's not too much to ask at all, but your problem isn't the playstation - it's your husbands awful attitude and total reluctance to spend any time with you at all.

You've only been married a year or so, you should be in the honeymoon phase and actively wanting to spending time together - he shouldn't be avoiding you and spending hours doing his hobby.

Please don't settle for this

[FenellaVelour]

Oh god, I always think of that game as the teenage boys game. Probably unfairly, but there’s so much of that mentality in it.

I’m a gamer, as is my husband, but that sort of thing would drive me bonkers.

[dontgobaconmyheart]

You aren't his mum OP. You therefore shouldn't clean up after him or be 'laying down the law's and 'banning' his playstation time.

Stop being his mum/maid, tell him frankly that you're not either and are unhappy with his level of engagement. If he won't discuss it sadly I think the answer already exists in his behaviour. The relationship seems over in all but from your descriptions. It must be very upsetting OP and I feel for you but you can't just wait around having none of your needs met at all by someone that only really needs you for the cleaning.

A relationship with no intimacy of any kind, no support, no fun, no sex, no romance is going to sap your mental health significantly. It seems it likely already has.

[SurreyHillsGirl]

I would hate this. YADNBU. His behaviour is selfish and childish, the sort of shit I’d expect from a teenager. I’d find it deeply unattractive from a grown man.

[backseatcookers]

You aren't his mum OP. You therefore shouldn't clean up after him or be 'laying down the law's and 'banning' his playstation time.

Stop being his mum/maid, tell him frankly that you're not either and are unhappy with his level of engagement. If he won't discuss it sadly I think the answer already exists in his behaviour. The relationship seems over in all but from your descriptions. It must be very upsetting OP and I feel for you but you can't just wait around having none of your needs met at all by someone that only really needs you for the cleaning.

A relationship with no intimacy of any kind, no support, no fun, no sex, no romance is going to sap your mental health significantly. It seems it likely already has.

This, all of this.

It's not about gaming as such, it's about someone not respecting you or caring about you.

He sounds like an absolute fun sponge.