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AIBU to struggle to get over this friend's behaviour?(19 Posts)
An ex-friend has really got under my skin. Met her 10 years ago when she moved nearby, children similar age. Made friends, appeared to be similar in family setup etc.
She told me things about her DH and marriage - he'd sat her at the table and said he didn't love her, was only there for the kids / she said they all live on eggshells / he has bad temper / shouts at DC / he's all right if she "gives him sex", otherwise not / she'd looked up a small house to rent to see if she could afford it.
I listened, confirmed it wasn't ok. My exh was similar, I shared one thing but wasn't anything like her story.
Anyway, my DH got worse, I divorced him, now living happily nearby.
She was the ONLY person whose friendship I lost. She clearly took sides (his), told everyone the poor man how will he cope story (whilst ignoring the unkind alcohol dependent version of him), invited my DC and him around for Mother's Day when he wouldn't let them see me ("it's not your weekend"). Whilst we slept on the floor at new house, she accepted the DC bedroom furniture from him. Etc.etc.
Generally been an unkind, unthinking cow whilst skipping round being sweetness and light.
AIBU to struggle with my feelings when I see her? I genuinely never want to cross her path ever again, but she's the sort of person who is in everyone's face.
God, absolutely ditch her and never speak to her again. She sounds absolutely vile.
No way would I have any contact with her. NC all the way.
She probably thinks that one story was the extent of it and if she’s putting up with her husband you should too. I don’t agree with her but I reckon she’s bitter about it.
She’s a nasty cow. Do not feel bad OP, I hope you are more settled now. Alcohol ruins lives.
Wow that's nasty and vindictive. Is she still with her husband? I wonder if she resents you for having the courage to leave.
Sounds like she’s after your ex as a meal ticket out of her own miserable marriage. Remember she is desperately unhappy. She is probably gutted that you had the courage to leave while she, for whatever reason, is stuck in an abusive marriage.
I'd try very hard to claim some sort of moral high ground through gritted teeth. I'd not completely blank her but just be unavailable to her, shut conversations down and walk away all the time being polite but distant. Bitch.
I’d definitely be NC.
As for coping if you see her around, I’d aim for pity. She probably has to feel sorry for you ex, because if she accepted you did the right thing by divorcing him she’d have to face the reality of her own marriage. And that is, most likely, too big and scary for her to confront. Ultimately, you escaped and abusive relationship (well done!) but she is still stuck in hers. So yeah, I’d actively try to feel sorry for her.
Thank you, that's such good advice. It's just when I see her, I'm so angry that she was so unkind and has the nerve to float around like her marriage & life is so fucking perfect. She didn't confide in anyone else. I haven't told anyone (although I'm so tempted to print it in the local paper ).
I think I need a strapline to think when I see her heading towards me, or chatting over brightly with a mutual acquaintance and I walk past. She's so FAKE!
I'm assuming she didn't leave her H?
If she's still with him, I'd assume that she's jealous of your bravery that you got out of your bad situation, but she's not brave enough to get out of hers.
She sounds awful. I wonder whether she fancies your DH?
You are all fabulous, thank you.
Yes, I think there was a time when she perhaps wished she had a different life. I had the balls to go and get mine, take the DC and show them how not to get stuck with abusive git, it's okay to leave, it's okay not to settle. My DC have flourished, hers have struggled with friendships, MH and 'issues'. Yes, that'll be their dad. Who also, incidentally, when we used to go out, couldn't keep his hands to himself but that's another thing I haven't shared with a soul.
She'll always look after the sad men (my exh) as she married one (only a few years ago). To do otherwise would mean looking at her own relationship and that's possibly too painful.
My strapline in my head will be - I was brave enough to take my life in my two hands and live it, I pity you for settling.
YANBU and I have a nosey question. Can anyone else see through her?
My experience has been that some people can be as destructive as a bulldozer. I have no idea how they mange to be so persuasive.
(I dont men that you should go around asking people)
I know that when we were friends there was another person who approached me and said v negative things about her, but I (foolishly) tried to stick up for her, and said, 'surely not, maybe a misunderstanding' etc. etc.
Then I worked with someone who had worked with her before and they had LOTS of stories about her being a bitch, but, ever professional me just said, Oh, maybe....
Now, I see they were correct. Someone else pointed out to me that she moves on quite quickly and makes new friendships a lot. I see this now, I see it's because she is take, and doesn't want people to see this, maybe.
But no, I haven't brought this up with anyone apart from one time someone said, "I can't believe XXX has taken sides in this, what an idiot, but what do you expect from her..." which comforted me a little.
I don't want to bring it up with friends, I keep my business to myself.
She’s jealous. You’re everything she wants to be. Brave, strong. Hold your head up high and know that karma will rebound. You can’t live like this and shaft people without it biting you eventually.
If she admits to herself that you have done the right thing then it highlights her own failure. It’s a classic self protection. Feel sorry for the two faced cow, she’s clearly deeply unhappy.
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