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Husband ordering me out of the kitchen

(164 Posts)
ElizabethAlexandraMary Tue 30-Jun-20 08:36:16

This morning I came downstairs after a 45 minute "lie in" (which was nothing of the sort) and my DH was lounging around watching TV while DS 4 was asking for breakfast and a drink. I said "DS, you must already have some breakfast in your tummy!" He said , " no mummy, I keep asking for porridge but daddy won't get it for me!" DH said no, he hadn't made him any or got him a drink yet. I remarked that it was a strange thing, to not get the hungry child sorted first before you sit down and I went to the kitchen to make porridge. All the dishes DH told me he would do last night while I dealt with our unwell older child were still everywhere and it seems snacks were made and scattered everywhere last night. I stared in silence and then just started getting on with sorting the dishwasher. I knew by starting it DH would make an appearance when he heard me and stutter through crap excuses while watching me, but I needed to make DS some breakfast and I wanted a coffee so started clearing the side to do it. I opened the cupboard and a packet of biscuits fell out and scattered into the sink. I said "oh for gods sake!!"

DH was out of his chair like a bullet had been fired up his arse and appeared in the kitchen doorway and barked "STOP!! NOW!!!" I looked at him in surprise and said, "Excuse me??" He said, "Leave the kitchen now. You can't cope and I don't want you fucked off all day long. You're getting pissed off with it so you either go in the other room or I'll just go in to work and I won't help with anything!!" I said, "No, I am doing the dishwasher and making DS some breakfast and myself a coffee. I am fucked off because I was told this would be done last night and because DS needs breakfast as a priority, especially when he's asking repeatedly for it." He replied that if I didn't leave the kitchen immediately, he would go in to work. I asked why that was supposed to be a sort of threat or punishment for me? He said "because I won't be here to help you and I won't help at all, I'll just go." I asked how I would even notice that and said it's not "helping" me because it's not my job to see to the house and kids, it's our shared responsibility, so he can stop acting like the bare minimum is doing me some sort of marvellous favour rather than heaping the rest of the workload onto my shoulders while he gets to do whatever the hell he wants. He told me to leave the kitchen, complete with pointing and everything!

AIBU to be completely fuming with him?? Who the fuck does he think he is?? He just sheepishly brought me a coffee and tossed DS a Frosties bar, which I haven't even acknowledged because I'm so angry with him!!

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CluelessBaker Tue 30-Jun-20 08:39:37

What an absolute prick. That is SO manipulative - acting like you’re the one in the wrong because you ‘can’t cope’ when he’s been a lazy sod and hasn’t even fed your hungry child. He obviously feels guilty but instead of apologising and taking responsibility he’s being defensive and shifting the blame on to you.

Well done for pointing this shiftiness out to him. If this is a common occurrence then a heart to heart may be necessary to see if there’s any prospect of him starting to pull his weight and behave like a decent person.

ThanosSavedMe Tue 30-Jun-20 08:43:47

Good for you for pointing out his laziness and that it’s not your job.

I hate it when anyone (dh or kids) say I’ve done the dishwasher / hoovering / kitchen / bathroom etc for you. No you’ve not done it for me, it’s not my fucking job, it’s a communal job.

Good luck I’m talking to him later

WhereamI88 Tue 30-Jun-20 08:47:22

what an arsehole, you can’t cope??? He can’t do the dishes after dinner nor FEED HIS OWN CHILD yet he yells at you like a bad dog and tells you you can’t cope? Wow. Just wow.

onalongsabbatical Tue 30-Jun-20 08:50:42

Has he gone insane this morning or is he always like this? Because that's two very different scenarios.

Thankgoodness1 Tue 30-Jun-20 08:52:11

I know exactly how you feel. A parent should put a child’s needs before their own and he failed to do that which would piss most people off. As for “ordering” you out of the kitchen - you shouldn’t have left. It’s little things like that which might well escalate if you comply with his aggression. Fuck that. Arsehole.

intotheb1ue Tue 30-Jun-20 08:52:17

Er well... I can kind of see both sides here. You do sound as if you were being a bit passive aggressive OP, “DS, you must already have some breakfast in your tummy!” ... “No mummy..,.” I can see how this would be highly annoying.

Look, maybe he was just about to do the kitchen etc, but was having a coffee first, or maybe some work-related email? Then he might have known you would inevitably seize on the opportunity to make a point?

Just trying to look at this from the other perspective? I can see why you would both find the other annoying in the circumstances.

ElizabethAlexandraMary Tue 30-Jun-20 08:53:47

onalongsabbatical

Has he gone insane this morning or is he always like this? Because that's two very different scenarios.


He's not usually like this, no. He's definitely on the lazier side so that's not new, but ordering me around is definitely not the norm!

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NearlyGranny Tue 30-Jun-20 08:56:21

He's living out a different idea of partnership from yours, isn't he?

When things are calm and tidy and you can smile at each other, it's time for a talk, and maybe some reading for both of you.

You each need to articulate your idea of what family life should look like and how it should work so you can identify where attitudes are coming from. The word "help" is a big clue!

He seems to see you as the housekeeper and child carer and himself as - what - the master? The extra pair of hands for emergencies only? The first, messiest and biggest kid?

Bottom line: you are partners, parents and adults. Both need to eat, both like to have things clean and organised. Both of you have eyes, hands and tongues, both understand that a child cannot fend for itself and has needs that must be prioritised over your own.

Chucking a cereal bar at a child is not a nutritious breakfast solution, it's a stopgap.

Going out to work or wfh for 40 hours a week is not a free pass to do nothing at home while another working adult or sahm is on call 24/7.

A useful starting point or two could be equal rights to some sleep and a base assumption that nobody gets to sit down and chill until the work is done and you can both chill together in a clean house without resentment or exhaustion for either. It's called teamwork.

There are some great little cartoons I found on Pinterest that illustrate the "Don't wait to be asked and expect to be supervised, notice what needs doing and do it!" message. They are aimed at men but would work equally well for teens who are not pulling their weight.

Lastly, I would talk medals and applause. Some men - NAM of course - seem to do the bare minimum and, when they unload the dishwasher or change a nappy, expect cheering from the sidelines, a podium moment afterwards and for the event to be recounted gushingly on social occasions for at least six months while the badk in glory. Meanwhile they only notice the myriad jobs their partner gets through if something she usually does isn't done. 🙄

ElizabethAlexandraMary Tue 30-Jun-20 08:57:33

intotheb1ue

Er well... I can kind of see both sides here. You do sound as if you were being a bit passive aggressive OP, “DS, you must already have some breakfast in your tummy!” ... “No mummy..,.” I can see how this would be highly annoying.

Look, maybe he was just about to do the kitchen etc, but was having a coffee first, or maybe some work-related email? Then he might have known you would inevitably seize on the opportunity to make a point?

Just trying to look at this from the other perspective? I can see why you would both find the other annoying in the circumstances.


DS sometimes asks the other parent for breakfast when one has already made it, hence the comment about breakfast in tummy, which DH will also say. DS will normally giggle and say "yes, I had xyz". And I take that the comment about it being strange not to see to the child first might be passive aggressive, but I wasn't going to let that go unremarked upon and I wasn't going to directly call him out in front of our 4 year old.

OP’s posts: |
OccasionalNachos Tue 30-Jun-20 08:59:08

Lounging around whilst his 4 year old needs breakfast is shitty behaviour; the way he spoke to you is phenomenally rude.

A serious talk later today when you have all calmed down is needed. If it’s truly a one off and he apologises, then it may be salvageable. If not, then you really need to think about whether you can live with someone with such a lack of respect for yourself and your son.

HappyDinosaur Tue 30-Jun-20 09:00:25

It doesn't sound like a very nice morning but you are both in the wrong in my opinion. It sounds like you wanted a fight and he responded,. Both of you were being a bit silly but it doesn't seem that big a deal. I don't know about you, but lockdown is getting to us a bit I think and I know we are both sometimes being a bit grumpy at the moment.

CluelessBaker Tue 30-Jun-20 09:02:11

Look, maybe he was just about to do the kitchen etc, but was having a coffee first, or maybe some work-related email? Then he might have known you would inevitably seize on the opportunity to make a point?

What decent parent thinks having a coffee or answering a work email is a higher priority than feeding their kid?

intotheb1ue Tue 30-Jun-20 09:03:54

I don’t know OP. It just sounds like you’re both tired and this was a flashpoint. You’ll probably get loads of people coming on now, telling you to LTB or that he’s abusive or, “my ex was like this...” If I were you, I’d just have a calm chat with him later. Sounds like you both feel under pressure at the moment.

NearlyGranny Tue 30-Jun-20 09:17:34

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Intelinside57 Tue 30-Jun-20 09:20:56

Assuming that your child can hear this (and he can) have both of you considered the language you use? You need to sit down for a chat obviously, but put your child as top priority when you do.

BillieEilish Tue 30-Jun-20 09:22:45

I absolutely despise it when my DH loudly unloads the dishwasher to make a point, especially in the morning. There is simply no need.

You both sound irritated with each other.

You'll sort it out.

TARSCOUT Tue 30-Jun-20 09:32:01

Funny how people see things differently. To me all I could hear was you being a whiny mummy. Kids not starving or likely to but you made a massive deal out of nothing. You are however just as bad as each other for carrying on like this in front of your child.

QuestionMarkNow Tue 30-Jun-20 09:39:41

CluelessBaker

*Look, maybe he was just about to do the kitchen etc, but was having a coffee first, or maybe some work-related email? Then he might have known you would inevitably seize on the opportunity to make a point?*

What decent parent thinks having a coffee or answering a work email is a higher priority than feeding their kid?

And what decent partner leaves all the dishes piled up from the evening befire when they said they would clean them up?.

He is t on the side last @ElizabethAlexandraMary. He is lazy and entitled.

Having said that, you should have told him all the things you told up when he came in right form the start.

BillieEilish Tue 30-Jun-20 09:40:47

Yes, I tend to agree

ElizabethAlexandraMary Tue 30-Jun-20 09:41:43


I'm definitely forwarding this to him later

OP’s posts: |
BillieEilish Tue 30-Jun-20 09:42:05

that was to @TARSCOUT

QuestionMarkNow Tue 30-Jun-20 09:42:26

@TARSCOUT so the OP is being windy because she is annoyed that her PARTNER has done fuck all (no looking after the child, not cleaning up in the evening) and on the top of it thinks it’s ok to THREATEN her (with leaving her to deal with it all, which he was doing anyway. Oh the irony). And it’s also ok for him to talk to her like if she was a child rather than an adult??

Yu must have a very different idea of what an equal partnership in a reLationship means....

Regretsy Tue 30-Jun-20 09:44:10

I don’t understand how he has the choice to go into work or not but if he does, I’d be telling him to go in as it sounds nicer when he’s not around!

ElizabethAlexandraMary Tue 30-Jun-20 09:44:58

So in your opinion, person who called me a whiny mummy, I should be fine with DS not being fed and with all the dishes and housework being left to me while DH has the latest in his long line of relaxing days? Should just suck it up and get on with the women's work assigned to me by virtue of my sex? Or just stayed demure and not spoken up while silently resenting and seething?

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