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to not make my sister my MOH?

(47 Posts)
harddecisionseveryday Mon 29-Jun-20 17:41:45

I am due to be my sisters MOH next year.
She is expecting to be mine.

I love her so much, she truly has a heart of gold and we talk all the time. But she is also very childlike, and I know if we were friends I would have ended the friendship by now due to her childlike behaviours.

These childlike behaviours are for example taking her problems out on me when she's down. She can be mean and spiteful just like a child would do to their sibling. But it will only be because she's angry about something in her own life, and we both know this, so I will ignore her mean comments and an hour later she's back to her usual fun loving self. It can be weekly ups and downs like this with her. It would be truly horrible if I took them to heart, instead its just draining and her unpredictability is unpleasant. She only has one proper friend who is a fantastic friend to her and joint MOH with me, but my sister doesn't treat her like this, just me because I am her sister I expect.

I talk to my sister more than my friends, but I trust my friends more, we have a lot more in common, and they treat me a lot nicer.

I have lots of friends so much so that it would be impossible to pick a set bridesmaids without upsetting others, who would have expected to be in the top few. I have painfully narrowed it down to three friends, none who know each other, but all who have been the most incredible friends over the years. And then theres my lovely sister, who I love, but I just don't think has supported me as much as the other three. I know my sister is an easy choice for MOH but I would rather give that place to one of my friends who has chosen to be by me.

My sister would not forgive me and has made it clear in the past she expects to be my MOH, in a jokey but serious way. My family would have a problem with me not picking her because from what they see we get along so well, she family, and when it comes to her childlike behaviour 'she doesn't mean it you know what she's like'.

WWYD?

OP’s posts: |
rubyslippers Mon 29-Jun-20 17:44:47

Personally I think it would cause a lot more problems if you didn’t choose her, than if you did

Isn’t MOH just a title - I mean realistically what does it mean on top of being a bridesmaid?

If it’s to do with the hen night then ask them all to organise it for example

You probably have a spikier relationship with her because she is your sister

LouiseTrees Mon 29-Jun-20 17:46:02

You don’t need to have a maid of honour, I never singled anyone out above the others. What jobs do you expect a MOH to do that couldn’t just be given collectively to all bridesmaids?

FelicityPike Mon 29-Jun-20 17:48:55

It’s just a title.
Or just don’t have one?
Get your mum to sign the register instead of the chief bridesmaid/ MATRON of honour (which she’ll be if she’s married first).

20viona Mon 29-Jun-20 17:49:32

Just don't have one they dont do anything different to the other bridesmaids! Problem solved.

harddecisionseveryday Mon 29-Jun-20 17:50:55

I had never really considered not having a MOH, I don't know why but my initial thought is that my wedding wouldn't feel complete without one

OP’s posts: |
Fifthtimelucky Mon 29-Jun-20 17:58:43

I agree that there no need to make one more important than the rest. I had only one adult bridesmaid and two children, so the adult one obviously had a slightly different role, but I wouldn't necessarily have done that with 4 adults.

BabyDancer Mon 29-Jun-20 18:28:47

I would just make your sister MOH if I'm honest. It would obviously cause a lot of drama to pick anyone else, and let's face it, the MOH does nothing more than any of the other bridesmaids in my experience. If you're really keen to choose a friend then I would suggest having joint MOHs like your sister.

For my own wedding, I chose my best friend as MOH and had my two sisters as bridesmaids. I would have chosen my younger sister as MOH but my best friend had said since we were teenagers how much she wanted to be MOH. It wasn't worth the drama. Plus, it might have been unfair on my other sister to show favouritism. I felt a little awkward as my younger sister chose me as her MOH but she knew it was just a silly title and not worth the upset with my BF.

DDiva Mon 29-Jun-20 18:29:02

MOH is just a title, I would imagine the hassle from not having your sister isnt worth it.

On the day they will be your bridesmaids no one will care if one is MOH.

CluelessBaker Mon 29-Jun-20 18:34:58

In your circumstances I would simply not have a MOH rather than pick someone over her. There is very little that actually distinguishes a MOH from other bridesmaids except the title they’re given in the order of service. It’s absolutely not a necessary part of the day. I think it would save you a lot of headache and upset if you just had them all as equal bridesmaids and didn’t single anyone out.

CalmdownJanet Mon 29-Jun-20 18:40:35

Seriously I need to know how your wedding would feel "incomplete without one" confused it's a title, it means fuck all, just don't have one, they do nothing extra anyway. Just say "I'm not having a maid of honour by the way, there is no way I could choose between you and there is really no need anyway"

LilacSloth Mon 29-Jun-20 18:41:06

I agree. Just have bridesmaids and have your Mum and MIL be the witnesses who sign the register.

For what it's worth I had my sister and best friend as bridesmaids. When my sister got married she decided not to have any bridesmaids. I was really hurt and family just assumed I would be her bridesmaid so it was embarrassing for me having to keep saying in the run up that I wasn't- especially as she still expected me to organise a hen, help with ridiculous crafty preparations, set up a gazillion tealights on the morning and be the gopher for all the photos.

Yes, she was the bride and it was her day, but for me it just made it very clear that I was not nearly as important to her as she was to me. Ouch.

Chickychoccyegg Mon 29-Jun-20 18:41:51

I would have sister as m.o.h, it's just a title and it'll save a lot of stress, really doesn't seem worth the fall out if you choose someone else

Nottherealslimshady Mon 29-Jun-20 18:44:16

YANBU I had my sister in law to be. Best decision I ever made, she was amazing, really helped me before and during. It really is a very important role, pick the person who you think will do the best job.

dottiedodah Mon 29-Jun-20 18:45:34

I would keep Sis as MOH .May save a lot of falling outs !

yikesanotherbooboo Mon 29-Jun-20 18:49:18

I agree that for the sake of naming someone else maid of honour it is not worth hurting your sister. I had never really heard of a moh when I was young and going to lots of weddings apart from in US based rom coms. What do you want the moh to do?

Littlemeadow123 Mon 29-Jun-20 19:24:24

If she is marrying first, have her as matron of honour and have a friend as maid of honour. They are just titles at the end of the day.

CreditCrackers Mon 29-Jun-20 19:40:02

At SIL's (BrideSIL) wedding last year, other SIL (BridesmaidSIL) was a bridesmaid but not a MOH. Not sure why but BridesmaidSIL is fairly immature and disorganised so that may have been why. It's your wedding and your choice. You could always say that you've chosen a friend as MOH because your sister is more "involved" because she's related to you and you just wanted everyone to feel fully included.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite Mon 29-Jun-20 19:46:38

I really think it would be awful of you to not reciprocate. Do you mean you wouldn't have her as either Bridesmaid or MOH?

CreditCrackers Mon 29-Jun-20 20:04:39

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite I really think it would be awful of you to not reciprocate
What if OP had been MOH for a friend and her sister? If it would be "awful" not to reciprocate then she'd have to have two! Choosing a MOH is about how OP feels about them, not how they feel about OP.

heartsonacake Mon 29-Jun-20 20:07:35

I don’t see what harm can come from her being MoH 🤷‍♀️

Elllicam Mon 29-Jun-20 20:11:20

I think it would hurt your sister not to be MOH whereas your friends wouldn’t be hurt as they would understand you picking your sister. It sounds a bit like you are annoyed at your sister and possibly want to make it clear though.

harddecisionseveryday Mon 29-Jun-20 20:24:25

for some reason picking my sister feels like im giving in but it does make sense

OP’s posts: |
WildfirePonie Mon 29-Jun-20 20:31:42

It's your special day OP, you don't have to have your sister as MoH. Do you want a big wedding?

HelloDulling Mon 29-Jun-20 20:36:33

LilacSloth

I agree. Just have bridesmaids and have your Mum and MIL be the witnesses who sign the register.

For what it's worth I had my sister and best friend as bridesmaids. When my sister got married she decided not to have any bridesmaids. I was really hurt and family just assumed I would be her bridesmaid so it was embarrassing for me having to keep saying in the run up that I wasn't- especially as she still expected me to organise a hen, help with ridiculous crafty preparations, set up a gazillion tealights on the morning and be the gopher for all the photos.

Yes, she was the bride and it was her day, but for me it just made it very clear that I was not nearly as important to her as she was to me. Ouch.

Do you still feel like that? Because to me, that just sounds like she didn’t want bridesmaids. You did, but lots of people don’t. Was it really a personal slight?

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