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AIBU about being a bit sensitive with my cousins pregnancy after my miscarriage

(10 Posts)
fashu Mon 29-Jun-20 16:28:45

Hi All,
I've been wanting to post this for a while, but always thought maybe I am just overreacting and didn't want to seem like a b*tch!
I had a missed miscarriage in earlier this year. I was 11 weeks. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant apart from my husband because I am such a panicker. I started bleeding from 7 weeks, and I knew in my heart I had already lost my baby, but the hospital didn't confirm it until they had scanned me three time and got a senior doctor to confirm. I opted for medical management because I couldn't of coped sitting around at home waiting.
I told my mum and dad on the day my miscarriage was confirmed. My wider family were having a party (pre lockdown!) and my mum said it would be best if they just let people know there. I didn't go because I wasn't in the right frame of mind.
My mum went round all of my aunts individually and told them. Then almost straight after my mum telling everyone, my aunt announced my cousin was expecting! Her due date is a week before mine was meant to be.
I was really happy for her and excited but what has followed has made me really sensitive.
The night before I was due to go into hospital she started posting pictures in our family page of her bump and scan. No one messaged me to ask if I was ok! I was asleep when they were posted, so I woke up early to go to hospital and that was the first thing I seen.
I thought this was a little insensitive, but its continued. Every single day there is a post about her pregnancy and pictures. It's too much for me. I think its hard because we were the same dates! So everything she is posting, I should have been going through too.
Now I am struggling to get pregnant again and I just can't bare to look at my messages.
I don't want to say anything because I don't want drama.
I am really happy for her and I can understand that she is happy and excited she is having a baby, but I think because no one ever asked me if I was alright and how I am recovering its made me more sensitive to the posts.
AIBU for being a bit upset?

OP’s posts: |
HeeeeyDuggee Mon 29-Jun-20 16:35:06

I don’t think YABU it’s hard. I’ve been there, a close friends wife and I were due almost days apart. I lost the baby at 12 weeks and I was really happy for them but at the same time hurting really badly about my own loss.

I’m sorry they haven’t asked if your ok. I found it easier to detach just a little (this was 9 yrs ago for me so SM and technology wasn’t quite what it is now) I’d mute any groups and Fb profiles just while you give yourself some time to grieve and heal

Marlena1 Mon 29-Jun-20 16:36:05

OP that sounds so tough. To be honest your cousin sounds awful but probably more thoughtless than anything. I think I would mute the conversation. When you've heard baby is here safe and well you can send a message but until then I would try to detach from it all. Other people might be thinking she is a thoughless muppet but they are not in a position to say it.

Geekster1963 Mon 29-Jun-20 16:40:46

YANBU to feel upset. It can feel a bit like they are rubbing your face in it. I also think sometimes that people don’t know what to say to you, they don’t mean to be hurtful.

One of my sisters was pregnant at the same time I had one of my miscarriages and she was so worried about telling me she was pregnant. I must admit I did feel resentful at times of anyone who was pregnant.

Sorry for your loss.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 29-Jun-20 16:44:09

Of course you feel sensitive OP.sad Take a break from it, mute your cousin for a month, or two, or three. It will help you get your head around your miscarriage without the sense of a "proxy" pregnancy.

You are sad. Your cousin is excited. No one is BU. Take care of

Shallow07 Mon 29-Jun-20 16:49:40

YANBU flowers so sorry about your miscarriage. She is being very insensitive, of course she has the right to be excited but she's being thoughtless. I'm sorry people haven't acknowledged your loss as well, shitty behaviour even if they don't know what to say in my opinion. I'd detach for a while and lean on people who have been supportive.

ethelredonagoodday Mon 29-Jun-20 17:05:05

Really sorry to hear this OP. I had a similar situation in the past whereby one of my v good friends found out she was pregnant at the same time as me and like @HeeeeyDuggee above, we were due 2 days apart.
Her pregnancy continued and I had a MMC at 9 weeks.

I still feel a bit sensitive about it when she mentions her pregnancy then, and it was now nearly 8 years ago so I can imagine you feel pretty raw.

Be kind to yourself, as a PP has suggested, maybe mute your cousin for a little while. She's entitled to be happy, but you are similarly entitled to feel sad and pissed off.

BlackRibboner Mon 29-Jun-20 17:09:37

Ah OP, YANBU at all. One of my friends shared my pregnancy dates, to the day - she had a MMC and I had a healthy baby. She was so lovely about it but I was super conscious of not sharing pregnancy updates, scans etc. I think your cousin is being a big thoughtless and if you don't feel able to tell her I would either mute the chat or leave the page for a bit. Take care of yourself x

CaCaCaCaffeineBomb Mon 29-Jun-20 17:14:11

I would unfollow on facebook and mute the family chat groups etc.

It wouldn't hurt for your cousin to be subtly told to be mindful. But at the same time she also has a right to be happy and to share her news.

When I lost my first, it was about 11 1/2 years ago. I had no support, was left on my own, I grieved hard, and the comments I received were very dismissive and insensitive. But I didn't begrudge others from sharing. But it's different for everyone.

It's going to hurt and I do think your aunt and cousin were a little insensitive. It's possible they've kept a distance from you because they don't know what to say.

I hope you conceive again soon, and that your family rally round you like they should.


GrumpyHoonMain Mon 29-Jun-20 17:16:10

I don’t think you are being unreasonable but unfortunately this is just how it goes. During the worst of my fertility troubles it seemed like all the women on my FB were pregnant or had just given birth and I had to take a social media break for a while. Having said that when I finally got pregnant I was so anxious that I would lose him I didn’t even tell my extended family until way, way after the 20 wk scan. Some didn’t know until 3-4 weeks after I gave birth. blush. So nothing is unreasonable. You just do what makes you feel happy - as long as you aren’t being actively horrible to your DC it really doesn’t matter how you find a way to cope.

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