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AIBU to be annoyed with DH and night shift?

(12 Posts)
PixiePowered Mon 29-Jun-20 12:19:04

So DH should have been off Sat-Mon however he took a night shift shift Sun night in to this morning, 12 hours, which meant that he came in this morning in a horrible mood due to the messed up sleep pattern.

I had enough and twice I've had a row with him. He came home, walked in to the bedroom where DS3 and I were lying in bed chatting, turned on all the lights and started arguing (because he was tired) when I asked him to turn them off. We weren't long up and the light was irritating both our eyes.
He then promptly told us to get out and that was that. I said I'd like to shower etc and he threw a strop because I should have done that before he came home. He was only going to sleep for 3/4 hours in order not to waste today, but that's gone out the window and he's had a go because our toddler is bored and was being too noisy (he has ear plugs which he has refused to wear).

I understand he is tired however I am too but it's not the same. We have stopped cosleeping with DS3 and put him in his own bed. I am up multiple times a night to settle him as DS screams if anyone else comes in. This means that over the space of three weeks I've had about 3/4 hours sleep a night. DH has tried to let me have an hour or so in the morning but DS3 comes up and wakes me up, so it's pointless.

Yesterday he has 7 hours sleep plus a further 2.5 hours before night shift. He's now slept for 4 hours. That's 13.5 hours sleep from 12am Sunday until now. In that same time I've had around 9 hours sleep.

He seems to think his behaviour now okay and his demands are fine because he's tired and he's working. My being tired doesn't matter as I'm just in the house and I shouldn't nag.

So AIBU for being annoyed and snapping at him?

Yabu - he was working and is tired, leave him be.
Yanbu - he is tired but I am too and his attitude was not okay.

OP’s posts: |
PixiePowered Mon 29-Jun-20 12:22:16

I also know it's not a "who is more tired" pissing contest. However he has constantly done the "more tired one-upmanship" despite having more sleep. I've not brought it up.

OP’s posts: |
RedBrownBrick Mon 29-Jun-20 12:24:40

Obviously I have no idea of your wider circumstances (does he need to be working night shifts because you're short of money? Do you work too? Is that a mutual decision etc) but having worked night shifts myself I can categorically say they are really really shit and hard and I would definitely want the bedroom vacated to I could get to bed straight after if that's what I had planned.

I get that you're tired too, of course, try to be nice to each other flowers

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness Mon 29-Jun-20 12:26:39

If he struggles so much with sleep deprivation/change in sleep pattern, why did he take the night shift? Are you really short of money, is his job on the line if he doesn't?

Isthisoveryet Mon 29-Jun-20 12:28:16

I hate to say it but night shift tired is a different level of tired. In all pregnancy and the worst sleepless nights with a baby/toddler I have never felt so utterly horrendous as I do after working nights. I think the question is more whether he needs to be doing these extra shifts and if they have to be nights. If as a family you’re relying on the extra work or unsociable pay then I really think his sleep needs ‘win’. I’m sorry because it sounds like an exhausting situation for you too.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness Mon 29-Jun-20 12:29:42

Meant to add, if he fonds the toddler too noisy, he needs to wear the earplugs. I have chronic insomnia & my DH snores like a road drill. I have to wear noise cancelling headphones in bed or I don't sleep. Earplugs are basically nothing compared to them!

PixiePowered Mon 29-Jun-20 12:41:46

He doesn't need to take the extra shift he volunteered because he wanted extra money to buy himself "stuff".

I get that night shift is tiring however my bug bear is the attitude that goes with him being tired. He is a class A knob who believes I should be up, showered, have the house hoovered and children should be quiet until he wakes, because he made this choice.

Every night he gets 7-8 hours sleep and I get 3-4 but it's never the same. If he is tired no one else can understand how tired feels.
I do work, I teach and over the past 3 weeks I've had about 3/4 hours sleep and then been up and in school for 9 trying to sort classes and prepare for August (which seems pointless now) as well as perform other admin duties. I've then come home, done family stuff and dinner, worked for a further 2-3 hours feeding back to my students on their work and preparing for the next day. The extra hour or so in bed has been since Thursday.

OP’s posts: |
PixiePowered Mon 29-Jun-20 12:42:34

I think I'm just sick of the fact that I can be tired constantly, allow him to sleep and still be civilised and not an arsehole but I don't get the same from him.

OP’s posts: |
RedBrownBrick Mon 29-Jun-20 13:18:44

He is a class A knob

Night shift or no night shift this will be a problem!

I'd suggest waiting till you're a bit more rested and on an even keel (appreciate that might be a while..), reassessing, and if that's still your opinion then you know what to do..

PixiePowered Mon 29-Jun-20 16:29:04

RedBrownBrick a class A knob when tired.
He's one of those people who seem to believe they are the only people who are tired and cannot function when they've not slept enough.

Y'know despite other people also being tired but dealing with it.

OP’s posts: |
Moonshinemisses Mon 29-Jun-20 16:56:02

I work permanent nights and Its rough, being up a couple times a night with kids doesn't even come close to how working nights makes you feel. It's not an excuse for being a dick to you but honestly when I'm half way through my run of 6 my family give me a wide berth. Does he have an opportunity to change his work patterns or would that have a huge impact on his earnings?

sunshinesheila Mon 29-Jun-20 17:02:59

Oh god, he's being a dick. Do you think if roles were reversed he would pander to you like your expected to!?

I used to have one of them... life's a whole load better now I got rid.

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