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To refuse to be on demand childcare for DP’s hobby?

(144 Posts)
Sunflower20170 Sun 28-Jun-20 15:02:29

Inspired by another hobby related thread I’ve just read on here, I would appreciate any views on this situation.

DP has a hobby he does (sports and outdoors usually) and it’s only possible to do it in the summer. He already does it once a week indoors for one evening, but does it more in the summer time.

He has told me in no uncertain terms, that whenever the weather is nice he will be doing this hobby. It starts around 3-4pm and lasts until the evening, so conveniently means he would fuck off right when DC finish school, and not return until after they have gone to bed. He makes a point of the fact he was doing this hobby before he met me or we had DC, and that it isn’t a hobby, it’s an essential part of his lifestyle hmm

I objected to this and asked him why he expected me to be available 24/7 for if he fancies to go and do said hobby on a nice day. He then went on to say that if it was nice weather a few days in a row, he would definitely go a few days in a row, leaving me trapped into childcare duties every time the weather is nice confused

AIBU to think he is being COMPLETELY unreasonable to demand this, and refuse to go along with it?! He can’t seem to see a problem with it at all. It makes me feel genuine rage, he doesn’t offer me the same flexibility to do what I want when I want - I asked him what would happen if I wanted to go and have time to myself on one of these nice afternoons, and his solution was me bringing DC to watch him play his sport. He told me not to worry, he wouldn’t play for too many days in a row as he’d be tired out (so he’d have days off from it not because that would be considerate towards me and DC, simply because he would be too fatigued)

OP’s posts: |
WombatStewForTea Sun 28-Jun-20 15:04:39

YANBU
He sounds like a selfish prick

DuckALaurent Sun 28-Jun-20 15:05:42

Chuck him out.

Give him the kids 50/50.

Problem solved.

ButteryPuffin Sun 28-Jun-20 15:07:27

Doesn't he work?

Suzie6789 Sun 28-Jun-20 15:07:33

Wow.... very very selfish and I’m not surprised you feel the rage. I told my DH this week he didn’t have time to take up golf in addition to all the football stuff that’s about to start up again.
Why should your DH grab all this spare time for himself... where’s your ‘essential part of lifestyle’ pastimes?

KaronAVyrus Sun 28-Jun-20 15:07:51

DuckALaurent

Chuck him out.

Give him the kids 50/50.

Problem solved.

This with bells on.

Does your DH see you as some sort of servant? There to facilitate his every whim

slipperywhensparticus Sun 28-Jun-20 15:07:55

Point out to him when you split up he will have the children set days/times and will have to pay a childminder

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches Sun 28-Jun-20 15:08:38

Some men seem to genuinely believe that their life doesn’t change when they have kids. That childcare is your job, and you are always the default, available no matter what.

DisobedientHamster Sun 28-Jun-20 15:10:09

YANBU.

Mominatrix Sun 28-Jun-20 15:10:28

YABU for calling parenting "childcare duties". He is BU for expecting you to always available and not have an additional life.

Frankly, both of your attitudes are questionable.

billy1966 Sun 28-Jun-20 15:12:19

OP,
You have the rage because this is who he is and you know it.
Sucknit up or get rid of him.
He clearly is a very selfish person whom could give to flying fxxks about you or his children.

What a waster.
Goid luck.
flowers

Flyingagainstreason Sun 28-Jun-20 15:12:23

Just go out when you want. Just do it. See what happens

Smallsteps88 Sun 28-Jun-20 15:14:09

My dad had a couple of hobbies when we were growing up. He had to take us along with him to them all as my mum worked nights and slept during the day. I loved it.

Suggest your DH start involving his children in his hobby.

Educationwhateducation Sun 28-Jun-20 15:14:12

Mominatrix

YABU for calling parenting "childcare duties". He is BU for expecting you to always available and not have an additional life.

Frankly, both of your attitudes are questionable.

I agree with you. Do you and your partner even understand what parenting is OP?

Yesmate Sun 28-Jun-20 15:16:07

Childcare is nursery, childminding etc. It’s not parenting. If he wants to be a parent then he can be one, if not get rid. He sounds like a selfish prick.

beelzeboob Sun 28-Jun-20 15:18:13

He has told you “in no uncertain terms”?

Then I guess you can tell him in no uncertain terms that that doesn’t work for you

Heartofglass12345 Sun 28-Jun-20 15:19:48

He sounds selfish but I'm wondering why you had kids with him if it was such an 'essential' part of his life before?

WineGummyBear Sun 28-Jun-20 15:19:56

It's so wierd when a person thinks that because their commitment to their hobby pre-dates parenthood, they are ENTITLED to that time.

Parenting is a 24/7 commitment. It's knackering even in a 50/50 partnership. When on parent takes the piss on the child free time, the other's life becomes a life of servitude.

This is parenthood kiddo! Get with the programme.

Haha- I've written this all as if it could be either partner. In truth, I've yet to hear if a woman pulling this stunt. And plenty of men don't either. Because they are not selfish babies.

YANBU OP.

DJTanner Sun 28-Jun-20 15:20:28

My DH was like this about cricket when our DCs were younger; all day every Saturday followed by hours in the pub, then practise 3 or 4 nights per week plus things like cricket ground maintenance. I almost divorced him over it.

theproblemwitheyes Sun 28-Jun-20 15:21:54

Midweek cricket?

minisoksmakehardwork Sun 28-Jun-20 15:22:49

Cricket?? Do a rain dance OP.

Anyway, YANBU that no one person's hobby should dominate so much of the other's time. Is there a junior club the children can get involved in, which would give you 'time off' from the children. He can take them with him.

But the sport is probably a sympton of a large issue in your relationship where you feel you are taking the brunt of raising your children. While your DH might feel that his sport came before you and the children, when you two entered into a relationship was it not a problem? I presume having children was a shared decision as well.

glueandstick Sun 28-Jun-20 15:22:50

It’s cycling isn’t it....

DJTanner Sun 28-Jun-20 15:23:06

Yes, cricket practise several nights per week

madcatladyforever Sun 28-Jun-20 15:23:52

He is aware that this is why relationships end right? His is no different, I'd make sure you tell him this.

Gulabjamoon Sun 28-Jun-20 15:24:11

YANBU. He’s a twat.

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