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To feel uncomfortable about the ongoing bitchfest towards this woman?(36 Posts)
This will be long, so apologies but I need to give a bit of background!
I've known a friend (A) for many years. She was in a long relationship with B, until they split up about 5 years or so ago now. A wanted to get married and have children, B didn't, so she decided to stay with him despite this because she thought he was the one.
A is quite a complicated person who doesn't really help herself...she worked in the same min wage job that she hated for 20 years initially because she thought she'd give up work when she and B got married, and then because...well, I don't know. She doesn't cook or do anything but the most basic housework. When she and B lived together (it was his house) she let him do 90% because it was his house. Being devil's advocate I can see why B thought marriage and kids would mean him doing everything, and therefore why he probably didn't fancy it.
Anyway after they split up, A continued living at B's house most of the time, although she had a place of her own (because it was easier to get to work from his, she got dinner there, her place didn't have heating because she wouldn't get her landlord round to fix it...the list goes on. I assume also because she hoped they'd get back together). A and B shared a bed, but didn't have sex (hadn't for last few years of relationship). Still went on holidays together, parties together, you name it.
Anyway a year or so ago, B started to get closer to C, a lady who was a member of a sporting club they both went to (A has never done the sport, but just went along to mind the kit etc). A was upset. C found As presence at B's house a bit odd and apparently encouraged him to get A to move her stuff out (3 car loads, not just a toothbrush and spare underwear!).
B and C are now officially together. C is about 10 years older than B although looks good for her age; A is 5 years younger than B.
Since all this first came out, A and our small group of friends have constantly been slating C. What a bitch she is, digs about how she dresses like mutton, her age, her tan (she is a real sun worshipper, the opposite of A), she wears too much makeup, calling her Madge (Benidorm), and more. At first I got that this was allowing A to vent her upset, but a year on, it's still happening. I will confess I've not spoken to A since March but last time I did, her conversation was still all about B said this, C had done that, how awful C looked in social media photos etc. And our what's app group is still full of Madge photos and memes.
AIBU to be a bit done with it all? I don't know C, and really neither B or C have actually done anything wrong, I don't think that the bitchfest is warranted and it just distracts A from actually moving on with her life?
Sounds super weird all round. Can you just avoid these people?
YANBU but A should have moved out of B's house 5 years ago. Staying and sleeping in the same bed after the break up is really weird. That is what has stopped A from moving on with her life.
Is there a friend in the group you can talk to about C and how you should all stop slagging her off? You may not be the only one who's over it now.
I’d distance from A if you can. Sounds like B was always honest with her of his intentions but both have serious boundary issues and I don’t think A will ever get over it. Sounds like she thought she would get him to change his mind and he instead moved on.
The whole situation is bizarre
Reading this I thought at first you were C.
Then you say you are the group of friends then I'd not get involved and find some new friends.
A sounds very odd , lazy unmotivated and still wants a relationship with ex even though can't be arsed to do anything, bitter because she's done fuck all with her life and jealous of everyone .
B is also odd still living and sharing a bed with ex after split and the fact A is so involved.
If I was C I'd run far far away from these nutters .
Honestly, I would be distancing myself from the group. A included.
You seem slightly over invested OP.
Tell A to stop being a bitch, refuse to engage in any of her bitching and if she continues, stop contact.
You don’t sound as if you actually like her anyways so I’m not sure why it’s all such drama?
They're my oldest group of friends, we've known each other nearly 40 years. I have distanced myself a bit, I've not spoken to them since lockdown, and I try to stay off the what's app group mostly.
I should explain, A and our group of friends all went to school/ grew up together. We're not part of the sporting club that A,B and C were all in (A doesn't go now).
It's not that I don't like A. I just feel she doesn't help herself (I did try to say kindly after she split up with B that hanging around probably wasn't helping but she said she couldn't live at home and he wanted her there...) and all the slagging off C isn't helping her to move on.
I get the anger; my Ex had an affair with an absolutely vile woman. I loathe her, and him, but I vented it all at the time and it's done now.
I will try and speak separately to one of our group who is very quiet in the WhatsApp group as I think she may also have reached the end of her rope, and see if we can agree an approach..maybe that I send a message about it and she backs me. Might work.
A is clearly resentful and angry and it needs pointing out to her that the only person she is hurting is herself. It's not healthy. Hopefully in time she will stop but I would make a point of saying you don't want to be part of those conversations.
Why are you so involved if you aren’t A or C?
A needs to have some self respect and forget about him, he wasn’t right for her and she’ll find some one else. Slating the new woman probably makes her feel better, I’m sure she’ll be over it and stop talking about her in time just change the subject if you don’t want to hear it. If you’re not her friend then don’t involve yourself in this, it’s not your problem. If you’re C then just accept A is probably jealous and move on.
I get the anger; my Ex had an affair with an absolutely vile woman.
But this is different - B was single, not an ex, and C is not a vile woman. Therefore A is utterly deranged. She wasn't in a relationship with B when B met C she was bloody using him! She's got no moral justification whatsoever for continuing to slag C off, and as for the rest of them joining in - and these people are nearly 50 or possibly more?
They're all completely horrible OP.
A sounds like a codependent, immature, jealous weirdo. Her and her friends need to get a life.
YANBU. A needs to move on and get a life of her own. Bitching about C about all the time will only harm her in the long run. A sounds self-centred and directionless tbh. B is well rid of her.
A sounds like a lazy trout who had her cake and ate it for a long time. Now she’s pissed off that the gravy train has ended and, to add insult to injury, she hasn’t been ditched for someone younger and prettier, but one of the California Raisins. I’m not sure why her friends are indulging her bitterness, but I’d be pulling back from the whole mess in your shoes OP.
What a weird situation, that was never going to end well for A.
I feel sorry for C, who didn't ask for any of this shit. B is a bit fucked up in allowing A to continue to sleep in his bed, so essentially they hadn't split up, he was just allowing her to hang around until he was ready to find someone else.
I get that you don't want to completely end your friendship with A, so I'd recommend you just have a bit of space from her, and ignore the bitching from the friendship group. Maybe make it clear that you don't find it acceptable and don't want to hear it - so whenever they start bitching about her in your earshot just say "Look, I dont want to hear it, if you want to slag her off, please don't involve me" and they'll get the message eventually.
Thanks for confirming what I thought. I do feel sorry for A in some ways but equally I feel she's brought this on herself. I can't help thinking that if she'd been a bit more willing to change she might still be with B. We're all guilty of getting stuck in a rut but I can see how living with someone who doesn't contribute to the running of the house, is stuck in a dead end job they hate (and has no money as a result) is really frustrating. I don't know how much he did to persuade her to change but I know that we've been encouraging her to apply for other jobs since about a year after she started.
B needs to take some responsibility, too -- who still lets their ex continue to essentially live with them, share a bed with them, keep all their stuff at their house, after they've broken up? It does, as someone said upthread, smack of a lazy man who was happy to have her hang around until he found someone new.
And C must have been completely mad to get involved with a man who said he was single, but was still living with and sharing a bed with his 'ex'.
They all sound awful, as do the bitching friends.
The really tragically odd detail here is that A was tagging along to a sport she didn't herself do to 'mind the kit' while B and C got together.
No one here seems to have good boundaries, or to be capable of ending things properly before moving on.
She's been going to the sport for 15 years or more, basically just hanging around. She could do the sport, she refused to learn and so carved herself a role which didn't really need doing. C only joined quite recently from what I understand, she never knew A and B as a couple.
I agree B should have kicked A out, I think he felt sorry for her and so let her stay most of the time. From what I know, he told C that he wasn't with A but that she stayed at his for convenience sometimes, C assumed A stayed on the sofa.
One of As rants was when C said to her 'dont you think that if you're staying at B's you should sleep on the sofa?' apparently A didn't say anything to her but ranted to us how dare she get involved etc...!
Let's get away from what A or B should or should not have done, because frankly who would stick their hand in that crazy, and focus on what you should do.
Do you actually value anything about this friendship group other than the fact that it's existed for a very long time? Because you don't really seem to. A is bonkers and I'd either fade her out, or give her my view straight once and then cut ties, alongside stepping back from the group. If you really and genuinely value members of it for more than having been around a long time, carry on your friendship with them 1:1 or in groups excluding A and the bitchers.
I couldn't be bothered with all this mish mash of problematic people, its all a waste of time. Plus, having all these social media groups, gives stupid people an opening to vent,and say nasty things at times.
If A was a good friend I'd be telling her to stop wasting these years and decide on the type of future that she wants. I've known people to get caught up in bitterness and when they hit their 60's they are very lonely, because they really wanted to be in a relationship.
It equivalent to the Lady Diana/Camilla looks comparisons. It doesn't change who the other person chose.
Rather than go into the past, try to keep the conversation on the here and now and the future. Time starts to go really quickly.
I'd tell A to get over herself and sort her life out without relying on a man to fund her.
The other mates I'd tell them to grow the fuck off. B moved on and met C, if you don't like it stop meeting with B and C.
But honestly I would have sacked them off years ago. A sounds hard work and a leech expecting another person to fund her life. He's a mug for letting it carry on. And the mates, I left those behind a long time ago and let them get on with it.
If you still want to stay friends with this group I would point out to them that A and B were not in a heathy relationship and that constant comments and memes are not helping her move on. I probably try to nicely suggest to A that she seeks help.
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