To worry about my dd?

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

Ok so I don't know if this is typical teen behaviour but my nearly 13 yr old dd spends most days in her room curtains closed on her phone/iPad virtually all day.Since lockdown it's been hard so no school just everyday in her room.
I try and motivate her but walks or shops are all boring to her. Most days she doesn't even get dressed.Im separated from her dad and at my wits end so tonight I called him and asked him to pick her up friday.She hates going there and hasn't been since lockdown but as a single parent I'm stressed with the situation and just need to get her out of her room.I try talking to her she says shes fine but how can she be? Is it normal for a teen to be on their devices 24/7.She talks to her online friends but doesn't meet up with any. Just at a loss what to do? For context shes an only child which means apart from me she doesn't really socialize with anyone else.

[hotstepper4]

You are the parent, you need to limit the time she is on her devices.

No more than a few hours a day.

It's very unhealthy for dc to be on devices 24/7

My dc have been getting extra screens in lockdown because there's a lack of things to do but I still limit it to 5 hours a day.

She definitely needs to be doing other things, maybe crafting, a box set on Netflix, learning a new skill? Is she not doing any homeschooling?

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

Lost any motivation to do school work ages ago.Not helped by lack of communication from school.

[ChilliCheese123]

I’d be worried about what exactly she is doing and who she is talking to. Is she on a blogging platform like tumblr or writing da fiction or got a secret YouTube channel? Or does she have some sort of online alter ego she’s living through ? Is she playing online games or spending it on reddit sub forums or what? It’s a long time to just be scrolling Instagram and chatting with friends on WhatsApp or Snapchat. Your saying it’s all day? At least 12 hours? I’d bet she is involved in something more specific, maybe based around something she is into?

[NameChange84]

Turn the WiFi off.

Get her on a phone contract with a data limit.

You cannot let her have unsupervised internet access 24/7 that’s just setting her up for depression.

You need to give her a structure and boundaries.

[ChilliCheese123]

‘Writing da fiction’ - writing fan fiction

One of my friends kids got very very fixated on her phone/laptop, stressed when no WiFi etc and doing some digging my friend found the child was writing quite inappropriate fanfiction about a Korean pop group. It would have been ok but they built up a bit of a following and strangers on the internet were making graphic request for sexual content to be written etc.

[user1473878824]

Sorry OP, but it’s up to you to do something about the fact she’s sat on a screen on the internet all day.

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

She plays Roblox and is on tik tok but I know a lot her age are.Its just shes on there from when shes awake say 10am to 2 or 3 in the morning. Even if we do go out shes glued to her phone and wants to come home within an hour. But not sure if this is typical teen behaviour as shes my only child.

[Ishihtzuknot]

Teens can be difficult to read, she may be struggling with lockdown and being away from friends and screen time is a welcome distraction from that.
What about a routine for example, 2 hours morning screen time then off for a few hours for lunch/ a walk / reading etc before she can have another hour. Can you arrange a meet up with a friend for her? Even just a phone call to lift her spirits.
Will she open up about her feelings? While it’s fine for children to have more screen time right now imo, it’s the long term we need to think of as it’s addictive and getting back to normal will be hard enough. (I’m going through screen time issues with mine too).
Don’t be hard on yourself or your daughter, life is pretty crap right now but it won’t last forever, just make time to talk to her and find something you can do together in the meantime.

[NameChange84]

For goodness sake confiscate her phone at night.

No it’s not normal or acceptable behaviour.

And it’s very poor parenting on your behalf!

[Ishihtzuknot]

I echo what others have said about WiFi off by a certain time. I think 10pm is more than generous.

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

Now I feel guilty for sending her to her dads as she hates going but its getting me down and I just feel like a bad mum because I've let her do this for a long time and pretty much let her get her own way through fear of upsetting her.

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

I don't need to be told Its bad parenting I know but single parenting is hard and I've brought her up on my own since birth with little support and I'm tired of it all now tbh.

[CrazyTimesAreOccurring]

Ime no it isn't normal to be that addicted. As pps have said you have to fix set times for her to have her phone. My dcs don't have them overnight in their rooms as I know they would be on them. I pay so it's my decision.
They have them all day but also do exercise, watch TV and we usually play a game to break the day up. And now they've started arranging meet ups.
She needs some structure to her day. She'll maybe kick and scream, sulk and strop, but that's where tough love comes in. It'll be hard at first for you but she needs help with her addiction from you.

[Ali1612]

I also have a 13 year old only child, a son. Im sorry but saying she lost motivation to do school work ages ago is really poor, ive woken my son up at 9am to do school work Monday to Friday each week then allowed him to be lazy at weekends to keep the regular routine going. She will end up really behind if that continues, the school must be sending her work home and you need to set the rules and make sure she does it.

I know its tough on them but start setting some boundaries to encourage healthy habits, i make my son leave his room for meals, and get fresh air each day by coming a bike ride or sitting with me in the garden. He has a few chores to help with too and we watch tv together sometimes to try and help limit screen time. He does still spend more time than id like on his computer but he is playing games online with friends which at least helps socialise a bit. Its not perfect everyday but i. Think its really helped him cope.

Im a keyworker and have worked the entire lockdown , so i know its not easy but I do think you need to be a bit stricter and help her before her mental state suffers and her education.

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

It is an addiction she can't be of a screen for 5 minutes

[CrazyTimesAreOccurring]

I too am a single mum BTW. Don't feel guilty sending her to her dad's. It's flipping hard doing it all. At least she'll be doing something different and you'll have a bit of a break

[Ali1612]

First thing to tackle is the not getting dressed or opening the curtains - my son would do the same if i let him but it affects his whole day. So 9am ish curtains open windows open let the air and light in then a shower and dressed in comfy but clean and matching/nice clothes- really sets him up for the day, has a bit more pride in other activities.

Maybe just even try this each weekday and get her to eat her meals with you with no screens and take it from there?

[TeaAndBrie]

My DD is 13 as well. She doesn't use tik to or roblox.
During the school day at home her phone is off and downstairs.
If we go out anywhere thr phone stays at home.
Her phone is off at 9pm and reads until 9.30pm and then sleep.
You're her mother not her friend, instilling rules is tough but the easy option won't do either of you any favours.
She needs a life away from her phone.
Will she be allowed the same amount of phone usage at her dads?

[crimsonlake]

I am sorry but you need to start parenting her, you are the grown up so lay down the rules.
Take the phone off her...disconnect the wifi fgs, I say this as a single mum who brought up two children.

[OntheWaves40]

I’m a single parent and I’ve brought both my DC up alone since birth. No dad too send them to etc. It is bloody hard at times but there’s no excuse to allow this to happen.
I have DC 15 yrs old and he does his school work downstairs where I can see him. He knows to come out of his room by 9am, breakfast, shower and ready to start school work, as do a lot of his peers. I also have DC 11 yrs old who does exactly the same. She has less school work and her school are poor at keeping in touch but I find stuff for her to do and keep her busy online doing work type stuff until 4pm when they finish. They then have zoom meetings with various club they attend. Meal at the table with me. Then free choice between 6-8pm where they go out to play or chat online to mates etc. Then I start the bedtime routine at 8pm, even the 15 yr old knows it’s time to hand over devices, get his pjs on, have some toast, brush teeth and wash and read until 9 or 9:30 then lights out.

[JockTamsonsBairns]

Op, if she cannot be off a screen for 5 minutes, then you do need to help her with managing this.
All of us with secondary aged kids are having a similar dilemma but, for me, it's non negotiable. School work first, then down time with phones. It's not up for discussion.
Are you worried that your dd might fall behind at school? That would be my biggest concern, and that's what would motivate me to put the phone away.
Hope things work out for you. It's a challenging time for all of us X

[Happymum12345]

I think a lot of teens are spending time alone in their rooms on their devices during this time. The fact that you’re aware of what’s going on & getting her to go on walks with you, despite her not wanting to, is encouraging. This won’t last forever & we’re all doing our best.

[Daffy2020]

I’m sorry but I think that’s a bit ridiculous making your 15 year old put the lights out at 9.30pm?! I feel that would push them away.

Anyway, my daughter is 8 and have had the same struggles at different points during lockdown. It’s tough but you need to stick to your guns limiting her time on electronic devices, will do her good in the long run. I let my daughter have an hour in the morning an hour in the afternoon and another hour sometimes longer in the evening depending on if it’s the weekend or not and if she’s helped me by doing her chores.

[Daffy2020]

I also haven’t been making her sit for 6 hours doing school work either, that wouldn’t be worthwhile, she’d switch off easily...these are unprecedented times and we’ve had to adapt accordingly, we would do an hour or so a day just and she enjoys reading so just encouraging her to keep reading either with me or independently. Kids are having a tough time just now too, not just adults.

[TeaAndBrie]

@Daffy2020 with all due respect the education level and timespan that a 13 year old should be able to self motivate for is rather different to that of an 8 year old.