Guilt, guilt, guilt

[Tuppy2]

I’ve been wanting to post on here for a long time.....

I feel so guilty every time I put the phone down with my mother. She spends every conversation with me talking about herself and to my step-father and her dogs in the background. Quite often I put the phone on the counter and she’s still talking when I pick up some minutes later, completely oblivious.

She rarely asks me questions but if she does she quickly brings the conversation back to herself with something that might not even be related. She’s got a lot of health issues which she likes to share all the time. I really don’t enjoy speaking to her any more, which makes me feel so guilty. We do have a better relationship when face to face.

She never calls me, but guilt trips me into having to call her. Since her new marriage she doesn’t make me feel guilty if I don’t call every day now which is a relief. However, she will never make arrangements with me, but expects me to do all the running around, she says this is to fit in with me?

I feel our relationship has really deteriorated since my father died. He used to keep her in check and tell her when she wasn’t listening. The new husband isn’t quite there yet.

Just wanted to get it off my chest as I’ve just put the phone down her her rather abruptly after 30 minutes of her monologue and I feel like a rotten daughter.

She’s also talked about me never putting her into a home and said that she’ll move in with me and my dh.......I think I’d go completely potty!!!

There’s a lot of guilt involved......I feel guilty writing this.....

[qwertyuiop098]

This sounds like a really difficult situation. It sounds like she responded well to your dad bringing her up on her behaviour, have you ever tried confronting her yourself?

[Aquamarine1029]

It's time to take a massive step back. A call every 3 days is more than enough, and there's nothing to feel guilty about. The sooner you make some boundaries, the better you will feel.

[FredaFrogspawn]

Could you say - Mum, I could NEVER live with you are you have no interest in my life, you never ask me anything about myself and you talk constantly about you and only you. Sorry but there it is.

[Member869894]

You need boundaries.....

[Macaroni46]

My DM was like this. Expected me to call her and when I did a total monologue about herself. Never asked about me or showed any real interest in how I was.
Don't feel guilty. She sounds totally self absorbed. I found no matter how hard I tried it was never enough for her. In her opinion I was just a bad daughter. So in the end I stopped trying. I phoned her when it suited me. I saw her less and just said no. As she'd always been 'disappointed' in how 'little' I did for her it really made no difference! But it gave me back my sanity.
Please please please DO NOT feel guilty.
Sorry to hear you lost your dad x

[Happynow001]

She’s also talked about me never putting her into a home and said that she’ll move in with me and my dh.......I think I’d go completely potty!!!
DON'T be guilted into doing this if, as it sounds, you don't want that to happen. Have your arguments ready, be calm and stick to your guns.

[Mary46]

Hi tuppy its very draining. I visit on my terms. All about her or a jibe how super person x is to their mam!! I agree strict boundaries. Its exhausting.

[Tuppy2]

Thanks everyone. I actually feel better just writing it all down and hearing I’m not alone. She’s not a bad person or a narcissist......she just simply can’t listen and does like a guilt trip. Up to me to grow up and not feel guilty....maybe one day!

[cakeandchampagne]

Decide what is reasonable for you, then let her know- maybe Sundays at 2 p.m. for 20 minutes. Actively listen, then exchange good-byes and end the call. Be firm.

[Fairyliz]

Sounds just like my mum. What I would do was ring her whilst I was doing something else. Do walk around with the phone tidying up, or check my emails or read MN! An occasional positive noise and the jobs done.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

I’m probably at least as old as your mother, and IMO it’s incredibly selfish of any parent to make their child promise not to put them in a home. Eventually it may be the only practical option.

Our dds (both early 40s) have been very firmly told that they are never to feel obliged to look after us - if we get to the stage of being unable to look after ourselves, just find us a nice care home. (They do exist.)
For avoidance of future doubt, this is down in black and white in our Health and Welfare Powers of Attorney.

[DonaldJTrumpet]

Are we siblings but don't know? Sometimes I call my mum on hands free in the car and look at how long we've been on the phone before she stops. Oftentimes I don't even get chance to respond to her hello. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello and just starts. Every time I am able to put the phone down and come back to it whilst she is oblivious.

I think you should discuss a timetable for calls, if you are able to stick to it.

Have you ever raised this?