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to let go of non positive people?

(12 Posts)
randomer Sat 27-Jun-20 16:38:08

I wonder if this is why I have been swerved by so called friends. I have had something really horrible happen to me and I also struggle with depression.

Reading up on positivity ( which I am trying to build up) , I see we are exhorted to rid ourselves of negative influences. Write a list of 3 negative friends and ditch them, spend time with postive people only,cut out toxic people from your life.

It seems a little harsh or is this the new normal , a sort of ruthless survival mechanism?

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Sparklesocks Sat 27-Jun-20 16:51:48

I think you’re asking two different things here

1) is it OK to cut non positive people from your life? It depends on how you define that. If they’re toxic friendships and cause you nothing but anxiety and discomfort then of course it’s probably better to not have them in your life. But equally nobody is 100% positive all the time, people have bad days and bad periods of their life where they need support - so what is the criteria exactly and how do you define a ‘positive person’?

2) did your friends cut you off due to your depression and how you’re coping with a difficult time? It’s impossible to say, but it’s unlikely they’ve all read up on positivity and made a decision to cut you out as a direct result. Regardless I’m sorry that’s happened and you feel unsupported by your friends, it must be really tough.

Wizadorawobble Sat 27-Jun-20 16:59:01

Some people are so dreich that they sort of sap your energy, you end up feeling all gloomy too.

Why would anyone want a person who's consistently like that in their lives?

randomer Sat 27-Jun-20 17:02:27

Thank you Sparkle. Yes it hurts.

I guess you are talking in general terms @Wizadorawobble. I am not constantly dreich.

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Wizadorawobble Sat 27-Jun-20 17:04:24

Yes, in general terms! Not just someone who's had bad shit happen and that's caused it.

Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Sparklesocks Sat 27-Jun-20 17:05:36

Have you tried to reach out (sorry i hate that phrase but sometimes it fits best!) to any of your friends and mention that you feel like your friendship has grown a bit distant?

user1493413286 Sat 27-Jun-20 17:08:22

People are who toxic and people who are negative are different things. If there are friends in your life who make you feel bad about yourself or you don’t enjoy spending time with then you’re not obliged to see them. People who are negative because either they are quite moany or they have had something bad happen or they are low/depressed are different to being toxic and so far I’m not come across many people that are constantly that way

Poptart4 Sat 27-Jun-20 17:08:58

The thing is everyone has their own struggles weather you know it or not. Life is hard and sometimes you have to cut negative people out for your own self preservation.

When I was going through post natal depression I had to stop visiting my mother because she constantly complain's about everything and anything. She suffers depression herself. Just being around her drags me down when I'm feeling good, I couldn't be around her when I was struggling mentally.

That might sound harsh but sometimes you have to put yourself first.

weathervane1 Sat 27-Jun-20 17:13:26

I agree re the toxic friends. I have one in particular who I hang on in there with but who increases her own positivity at the expensive of others' misfortunes - schadenfreude...ish. It is always worth asking yourself:if she is speaking to me about someone who I thought was her friend, what is she saying about me behind my back. On balance, taken over time, when you think about your friends and I believe it's good if you feel better than before you knew them. Yes, everyone has periods in heir life when things are not great and that's when true friendship is demonstrated; but when it's one sided, it may be time to withdraw a little and watch what happens.

Merryoldgoat Sat 27-Jun-20 17:13:48

People who are constantly negative are one thing, people who are not relentlessly positive are another.

Cutting out the firmer is sensible, cutting out the latter suggests you aren’t open to any dissenting voice.

Merryoldgoat Sat 27-Jun-20 17:14:03

Former! Ffs 🤬

randomer Sat 27-Jun-20 17:57:41

mmm, what an interesting conversation! I agree, especially in recent weeks life has become about putting oneself first.

I have " reached out", just a low level' How are you doing' kind of enquiry, which has been met with a short reply and nothing else. I have also suggested 2 very very low key meetups which didn't get off the ground.
I think it's rather cruel to talk of cutting people out and using words like toxic.

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