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To not be over the affair

(44 Posts)
TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 15:07:57

I am prepared to be flamed for this and will try to keep this very short and to the point. I'll try to not drip feed but there are certain things I have to leave out.
I met a man a while back that I fell crazy in love with. Finally I had met the man I've been looking for my whole life. I was insanely attracted to him, the sex was amazing, he bought me little gifts and sent me cute messages all the time, he spent a lot of time at my house and stayed over all the time. I met his friends and we had what I thought was the start of a forever relationship. I was planning the future and thinking about holidays and all the great times we would be having together once lockdown lifted properly. I've had a really tough time throughout life and had a lot of trauma and upset I've also had mental health issues including a mental breakdown a few years ago and so for me this was finally my chance at happiness.
I woke up one morning a few weeks back to a message from a woman who said she was his long term partner, not only that but they had a newborn. In that moment I felt like my world fell to pieces. I understand hers did too and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone but I felt a bit of resentment that she wouldn't acknowledge that he had also cheated on me too whether she understood that or not. I might just be the other woman to her but to me he was my everything.
Anyway he blocked me that day and I heard nothing at all from him. He just completely ghosted me and I found the following weeks passed in a blur. Spent most of my time thinking about him and wondering what he was doing and whether he was missing me as much as I missed him. I slept a lot, barely ate, barely dressed just cried all the time and felt generally heartbroken. We've all been there I know it just felt different this time like the love of my life didn't want me anymore.
Anyway about a week ago he got in touch. Told me that he had separated with her and moved out, said that they were only just on speaking terms etc. He said how much he had missed me and thought about me and did I want to meet and talk. I agreed because I wanted some answers. I spent weeks sat around questioning everything and knowing nothing.
Anyway we met, it was very emotionally charged and we ended up sleeping together. For me I knew it was an instant mistake because I love him and it's only going to end in complications. He told me he loves me and he wants to be with me I just need to be patient with him as right now we couldn't be together properly with his ex still reeling from discovering the affair and he doesn't want to hurt her.
That was a week ago and I've been blocked again and not heard a word. I dont understand why he would do this again. I know he's using me and I know I'm strong enough to tell him to get fucked if he got back in touch again.
I guess I'm just finding it really hard to accept all that has happened. I wonder why i wasn't enough and why he told me so many lies.
I feel like I'm grieving for our relationship that didn't really exist. I'm feeling sad for all the things I was promised and it's been taken away.
I don't even know if I really do love him because the person I fell for didn't actually exist.
Has anyone else had to recover from an affair or finding out they were the mistress all along?
How did you cope with the aftermath? What helped you to move on and find yourself again?
Just an after note: They are very much still together as she's posted on social media over the last couple of days that give it away. I spoke to his partner the first time and sent her a lot of proof that she needed. This time round I haven't spoke to her and don't think I should. They are very much together and I don't see why I need to wreck that. She got the proof the first time and clearly stayed with him so what would be the point in sending her the latest?
I'd really appreciate some advice and please try to not be mean to me 😂 I'm going through it here as it is!

OP’s posts: |
Dullardmullard Sat 27-Jun-20 15:11:15

You need to go cold turkey here for your own mental health.

Therapy might be good too

Lockdownseperation Sat 27-Jun-20 15:13:10

That sounds awful. You will be grieving for the relationship you thought you had and the future you were expecting. But you never had it. This is a man who rather than being there for his partner after the birth of his child is shagging someone else. He is far from the man you thought he was, you could not be happy with a man like this and you deserve better.

He unblocked you because he wanted more sea. Don’t see him again, for your own sake.

HardHatOptional Sat 27-Jun-20 15:16:28

I'm going to be blunt.

His partner discovered the affair so he blocked you because he chose HER and didn't want to lose HER.

Partner has not forgiven so he come running back to you for EASY SEX.

Blocks you again as he doesn't want partner to know what he's done again.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you. You were a good time and that's it.

TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 15:16:52

I feel the same. He's clearly not a good man in the slightest. I think a part of me keeps telling myself that he obviously doesn't love her to do what he did but then why stay with her? She must be making him happy in some way or another. I think I just keep going over a lot in my head.
I agree that in this moment therapy sounds like something I need to help me unravel the mess!

OP’s posts: |
TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 15:18:11

Thanks @HardHatOptional that's exactly what I needed to hear. You are so right. 😞

OP’s posts: |
OscarWildesCat Sat 27-Jun-20 15:20:16

Block him and stop seeing him. Now. Seriously, no good will come of it, previously you were an innocent party as you didn’t know they were together, you no longer are, get out now.

loutypips Sat 27-Jun-20 15:22:11

Why stay with her? Well she's just had a baby, so he probably feels guilty. They probably won't last, as it's hard to trust someone once they have cheated. BUT you need to remember that if he was happy cheating on her, he would more than likely do the same thing to you. You've been given a chance to run. Run far away from this man. He's no good.

Euclid Sat 27-Jun-20 15:24:28

So much for lockdown.

Villanemme Sat 27-Jun-20 15:27:29

Exactly Euclid. He's going back to her and his young baby and compromising their household. Tbh, I think she needs to be aware this has happened.

Nihiloxica Sat 27-Jun-20 15:30:32

This man is a horrible, manipulative bastard.

I am not saying this to be mean, but I think from what you have said about your past that you are vulnerable and that he targeted you because of that. I'm sure you have many wonderful qualities, but I suspect this arsehole was attracted by your vulnerability.

You aren't clear about how long your relationship lasted, but if they had a newborn when his partner got in touch, then she was pregnant at home while he was future faking with you.

He was probably getting less sex and attention and an exciting affair with a mentally fragile woman probably seemed like a great way to be the centre of attention again.

Who cares if he loves her? A man this cruel is incapable of real love. He just loves himself and women are no more than props in the drama in which he plays the lead.

She is in a much worse position than you are - you were used cruelly. But you can easily walk away.

She has just had a baby with this absolute prick so she is the vulnerable one now - physically, emotionally, financially.

And this fucker loves to exploit a vulnerable woman. That's his MO.

SpiderStan Sat 27-Jun-20 15:36:42

I'm so so sorry. What an absolute dick. Sounds like he used you as a way to enjoy his little moment of freedom before begging his ex to forgive him and get back with him, and that's why you have now been blocked again.

Listen;

Step 1: Block him, so that if he unblocks you, he can not get in touch with you. This step is IMPORTANT. Please do this. Be strong.

Step 2: Cry it out again. Seriously, do what you need to do to flush him from your system. Given time, you will recover. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel for now.

Step 3: Distract yourself. Create perhaps two lists. One of people you want to spend more time with and one of things you want to spend more time doing (or new hobbies you want to try). Work through those lists. You will be surprised at how much time you will be spending focusing on those other things. Keep going, don't stop.

Step 4: Do. Not. Look. Back. Remember, all the time you are wasting on being emotionally available to him, you are not opening yourself up to being emotionally available to a potential new partner who will not treat you like dirt.

Block. Feel your feels. Distract yourself. Don't look back.

BeKindOrBeQuiet Sat 27-Jun-20 15:40:17

What @HardHatOptional said

I'm so sorry op. It must be heartbreaking. You'll find your person op. Someone who truly loved you wouldn't let you feel this way

Please don't ever reply to him again. Delete everything you have from him

You are only going to get lies from him. Stay strong op x

TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 15:40:57

Thank you all!
Completely agree that he's manipulative , narcissistic and generally a horrible person.
We were only together for about 5/6 months so not a long time at all. Long enough to fall in love with him anyway!
I do agree that he probably loves her in his own weird way but that she will never be enough for him. No one could be clearly! He was telling me that I'm the only woman he ever really loved, that he wanted to marry me and all sorts but he was still sleeping with her alongside that so if a woman and a baby isn't enough, and the woman he has an affair with isn't enough I'm guessing no one will be!
So clearly just uses people for his own gain and pleasure.
I do feel she doesn't need to know about this time round though. Call it a mistake or whatever but I can't do it to her again not after last time I would feel awful!

OP’s posts: |
TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 15:44:20

@SpiderStan thank you ❤️
Step 1 is complete. I did all of that a few days ago and removed all forms of him being able to contact me. Even blocked his number off my work phone!
Step 2 I cry most days anyway. Usually when I first wake up and it all hits me again and on an evening when he would usually be with me.
Steps 3 and 4 are in the pipeline and I'm going to come up with a plan today as to how to keep myself busy. I've got a lot of annual leave left to take so I may just ask my mum if she fancies a weekend away somewhere just me and her.
By the way I've not told anyone about any of this. No one. I've felt too embarrassed. So my friends and family just think I ended it with him due to lockdown. No one actually knows what Ive been going through. Mainly because I feel stupid that I was sucked in and when I look back the red flags were there for all to see!

OP’s posts: |
OoohTheStatsDontLie Sat 27-Jun-20 15:49:51

Hi OP sorry for what's happened. I wondered whether it might be useful to you to look at how and why you ended up in this situation in the first place? (I'm not saying that this is in any way your fault by the way!). But one paragraph in your post jumped out at me.

"I've had a really tough time throughout life and had a lot of trauma and upset I've also had mental health issues including a mental breakdown a few years ago and so for me this was finally my chance at happiness."

It seems you see another person as something that's going to make you happy. And maybe he saw that and that made you vulnerable as he knew how much you wanted a relationship? Have you had therapy for your past issues? It just comes across as that a good relationship will somehow negate all the other shit you've put up with if that makes sense. But it wont. You'll only find a good relationship when you can be happy with yourself and by yourself if that makes sense.

I'm sorry as I know thats not what you asked or what you probably want to hear. But might be worth thinking or seeing someone about?

SpiderStan Sat 27-Jun-20 15:53:21

TheGoldenChild

*@SpiderStan* thank you ❤️
Step 1 is complete. I did all of that a few days ago and removed all forms of him being able to contact me. Even blocked his number off my work phone!
Step 2 I cry most days anyway. Usually when I first wake up and it all hits me again and on an evening when he would usually be with me.
Steps 3 and 4 are in the pipeline and I'm going to come up with a plan today as to how to keep myself busy. I've got a lot of annual leave left to take so I may just ask my mum if she fancies a weekend away somewhere just me and her.
By the way I've not told anyone about any of this. No one. I've felt too embarrassed. So my friends and family just think I ended it with him due to lockdown. No one actually knows what Ive been going through. Mainly because I feel stupid that I was sucked in and when I look back the red flags were there for all to see!

I love your attitude to it all. Keep going smile ❤️

GeneParmesanPrivateEye Sat 27-Jun-20 15:57:20

Tell your friends, and family if you want - you've done nothing wrong, and they will be all the happier to distract you/keep you focused if you wobble.

This man is someone who cheats on his long-term partner and talks about leaving her with a newborn baby. This is not your happy ever after, as you you rightly pointed out - the person you fell for doesn't exist.

Be happy with yourself, by yourself (I'm sorry, I know it's easier said than done) and then if/when the right person comes along, it's the icing on an already excellent cake. Look after yourself...

AllsortsofAwkward Sat 27-Jun-20 15:58:48

It can be common for men to start affairs when their partners pregnant. You were abit of the side to him and he told you all the right things. He clearly wanted to stay with her and she was likely busy with a newborn so messaged you and you fell back in the trip.

FaceOfASpink Sat 27-Jun-20 16:00:25

You know all those wonderful things he was saying to you?
He didn't mean them. And not only that but he was probably saying the exact same thing to his wife.
He really is an absolute arsehole and your job now is to fully accept that. Your head mostly knows it but your heart will take time to catch up.
Why did he do it? Because he could use you for ego massage and easy sex. Find your anger.

FaceOfASpink Sat 27-Jun-20 16:02:13

Or think of it as a vile dose of the flu. Hope to get a bit better every day and accept that there will be little relapses but the upward trend will be there.

TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 16:02:13

@OoohTheStatsDontLie
When I met him I was actually in a really good place in my life. Probably the best I've ever been. I have had therapy yes, after my breakdown I had a lot of support and did 6 months of intense therapy including CBT and have also had EMDR therapy too. So a lot of my past issues and traumas have been dealt with and closed off. I no longer think about or dwell on these things. But I do kind of see myself as vulnerable in the respect of I want to be happy and all the other parts of my life have clicked into place but something is missing.
I'm usually happy with or without someone. Just that he seemed to fit in just right and made every day feel that little bit brighter for me!
Obviously now my mental health has taken a swift decline and I'm back to feeling sad and hurt a lot of the time.
I do agree that maybe going back to see my therapist could help rid me of the feelings of abandonment and guilt that I feel at the moment!

OP’s posts: |
TheGoldenChild Sat 27-Jun-20 16:04:09

@FaceOfASpink you nailed it. He may as well have copied and pasted the messages he sent us both they were almost identical. Makes me feel sick!
I definitely do need to find my anger and let go of the sadness!

OP’s posts: |
JustC Sat 27-Jun-20 16:18:31

I'm sorry you went through this. To put it simply, you don't love him, you love a figment of his imagination that he presented to you. The real him is just an utter asshat that cheated on his wife when she had just given birth. Think about how despicable that is.
And I would consider telling her, she deserves to know.

speakout Sat 27-Jun-20 16:24:03

I'm sorry you went through this. To put it simply, you don't love him, you love a figment of his imagination that he presented to you. The real him is just an utter asshat that cheated on his wife when she had just given birth. Think about how despicable that is.

Totally agree.

OP you have had a very lucky break. Imagine your life with this rat boy in three years- just after you had his child and he was off fucking someone else.

You were in love with the guy you thought he was- not the person himself.
You have skidded on black ice. But luckily hit nothing.

A cause for a celebration!

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