To ask what you think about being expected to take husband's last name

[DisaK]

Long time MNetter

I'd like to ask what other MNetters think about men who expect their wives to take their last name when they get married and are very pushy about it.

Of course I know for some wives who really don't like their own surname or much prefer their DP's, there might be no issue at all.

What I'd like to know is what you think of men who are very adamant that women should take their name when they get married.

[Ellisandra]

I think they have girlfriends who are making a bad decision.

[MorrisZapp]

I'm very adamant they are sexist twats.

[PumpkinP]

I would want to take my husbands surname if I get married. If you don’t want to then that’s your choice. I’m guessing this is about your situation?

[InkieNecro]

They think they are more important and therefore the person marrying them should rethink.

[Brefugee]

they're unreconstructed knobs?
If i were marrying someone who was insisting like this, frankly it would make me reconsider. And I'd start out by saying "nope, you take mine" and see how it went from there

[shinyhappywoman]

I don't know anyone who's been in this position. All my married female friends decided for themselves. I can't imagine any of us wanting to marry someone who was pushy about it 🤷‍♀️

[Leah91]

It would be a no from me! I took my husband's surname but only after long debates and mutual agreement. Sometimes I still miss my original name and I used it at work for ages after I was married. I feel like my original name was the real me.

[Choice4567]

Yup. It would not be a good sign. Why on earth would a man be pushy about it? Sexist. And not very nice to make your fiancé do something they don’t want to

[AgeLikeWine]

Fuck that.

No way would I ever be in a relationship with, never mind marry a man who had such outdated, sexist, patriarchal attitudes. It’s 2020, not 1950.

[LolaSmiles]

Expected = probably has deep seated sexist views and probably thinks that his wife will run the house and work, that equality is them both working a job whilst he doesn't do his share at home, or also expects his wife to give up her career to be a homemaker and SAHM.

[Bythebeach]

Well I certainly wouldn’t entertain the idea of marrying such a man. And would be unlikely to have him as a friend.

[WendyHoused]

I’d think his fiancée needed to make a casting change. There are better grooms out there for her.

[MorrisZapp]

He's probably 'traditional'.

But not about having sex before marriage.

[mrsmalcolmreynolds]

I would think their sense of identity is overly based on social constructs that value a man's status and right to individual expression more highly than a woman's.

I wouldn't marry them. Someone who would prefer their wife took their name but accepted a decision to the contrary, maybe. Someone who was "adamant" about it, nope.

[HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight]

I don't know any women who've been in that position, some have wanted to take their husband's name , most have double barrelled (both of them not just the female party), two have husband's who've taken their name. I don't think my friends would date that kind of man, I really doubt this is the first indication of his misogyny.

[CountFosco]

I didn't take DHs name. It was not an issue. If it had been an issue he would not be DH. Men who are unthinkingly sexist and do not respect their fiancée's opinion on this will just get worse and more sexist with age.

[TornadoOfSouls]

I think they should remain bachelors.

[Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear]

If he expected it I wouldn't marry him. DH and I both hyphenated.

[CodenameVillanelle]

I think they are either misogynist, stupid or both and I wouldn't marry one

[bengalcat]

If I were married then I would be perfectly happy to take his name but professionally would continue to use my own name . But as to being expected and bullied to use it - FUCK OFF - I’d view that as a red flag and move on unless I was happy to be a submissive wifey . Even if they changed their tune I’d be somewhat nervy about what other things they’d wish to force on me .

[LolaSmiles]

He's probably 'traditional'.

But not about having sex before marriage

Yes. He's also probably'traditional' about women running the house and picking up after him..
... But not traditional in expecting his wife to also work full time.

[Itisbetter]

I think everyone I know decided for themselves, as someone else said up thread.

I’m not sure how I think about women who insist on keeping Daddy’s name. I guess you choose what you think works for you?

[Lottapianos]

'I’m not sure how I think about women who insist on keeping Daddy’s name'

Its not her dads name, it's her name. No one EVER tells men that their last name is their father's and not theirs. Never

[isabellerossignol]

I'd think he had quite a fragile ego and is a bit of a drip. It certainly doesn't strike me as very 'manly' to be so insecure.

[mrsmalcolmreynolds]

Itisbetter I kept my original surname because it is part of my identity, not because it was "daddy's name". I find it pretty patronising to suggest the only reason a woman might choose not to take her husband's surname was in order to retain a different man's "mark".